So my boyfriend died extremely unexpectedly just couple days ago. Now I am seeking grief counseling & trying to decide if I should go to the service. I been seeing him for 4 months, he asked me to move in & I was just therd on the weekend. He died 2 nights after I came home for work. I only met his mom once & he said they had not spoken for a couple of weeks. His son got hold of me to inform me & ask for help unlocking his phone. I am so confused, he seemed to be fine when I left but turned out he was not taking care of his diabetes & slipped into a diabetic coma that evening & passed on. My mind is blown. Finally connect with someone & this happens. Now scared to talk to people but starting grief counseling next week. Also considering walk in clinic if I get much worse. I just don't see the point in much anymore but know I wouldn't hurt my fam by doing what my cousin did earlier this year by unaliving herself. I seen & felt the pain it has left.
Boyfriend died unexpectedly - Anxiety and Depre...
Boyfriend died unexpectedly
why are you wondering if you should go to the service? Do you think it might bring more trauma? Is it possible that going to the service may bring you closure? Death is hard, grieving is hard and it's different for everyone. How ever you are feeling is ok. Definitely seek coucelling. if you feel you are losing it, go to the clinic or call 988. we are here to support you. I'm sorry for your loss.
There will be all kinds of people I will not know or have met. I only met his mom once & they were not speaking past few weeks. I never met his son & only just talked to him for the first time. His ex who is his son's mom is planning things. Son said he would update me but he has not yet. I did not do well at my cousin's service and hid in the car crying. I only shared my emotions privately with him & is usually how I do that. Hardest part is he wasn't talking to most of his family & not sure who knew about me. I am not ghe type to rock the boat or stir the pot in the slightest. He & most of his fam had tenuous if any relationship or communication. I know I should at least go by, maybe a fly by as I am agorophobic and have serious anxiety before all this. Just so many emotions of my own & others. I am not normally an emotional type per say. My brain and emotions are a scrambled mess. Not sure what my place might be in it. He knew about my issues & was a huge support for me.
I don't do well with crowds at all! If it were me I would do a fly by as you say. Go in give your condolances to his mom and then leave. Maybe send her a card. Or if you just can't do it, send flowers for the service. Do what is right for you. You are not under any obligation to attend. You probably won't see any of them again anyway. If you know where he will be laid to rest if that's what is being done, go there afterward and pay your repects to him. It's whatever you feel you can handle.
I am sorry for your loss. I will offer something somebody once told me - they said "There is no wrong way to grieve." It is a personal thing. Whatever you choose to do, I hope it can give you some degree of healing and closure.
I'm sorry for your loss. Grieving is a personal journey. Not everyone grieves differently. You gotta do what is best for you. Also there is no finish line for grief. You just get better at coping with it.
You matter to someone.
Sending love and hugs 🫂❤️
Ty, brought up a lot from my cousin earlier this year. I know it definitely is not linear & am struggling. Starting to feel like it comes in waves for both of them. The losses are deep and don't think the voids can be filled. Ty, I hold on for my daughter & fam because I do not want them to feel this pain again.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Grief is something that will always be with you. I've learned from the loss of my brother that grief has no finish line. It's something you are going to talk about until it's your time. No shame in it. I've gotten better about it.
I posted about it in the bereavement group here. But it was a poem that basically said let me talk about them cause it's like letting me spend time with them again.
I'm sorry about the sudden loss of your boyfriend and cousin.
You can always come here if you are struggling.
🫂❤️
I heard you big time on that. Their passings made me realize how trivial most things truly are. These are the first I have started to talk about them. I usually just try to surpress my emotions. But lately it is like a dam bursting and suppression is no longer working.I guess I need to learn to talk, but they were both the people I talked to about things. Now I have to lean elsewhere, which is brand new.
I do miss being able to call, text, & talk to them. Feel lost without them now.
Yeah I think it's time to let those emotions free. Sit with your feelings. Surpassing only works for so long. Before you know it, your having a break down in a supermarket all because they played Careless Whisper over the PA system. Why did that happen? Who knows? Just that the dam just broke and you had to let it out.
A man named Carl Jung once said "Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself or from holding certain views which others find admissable"
That often happens with grief. You'll see that other people quickly move on and they kind of start to push you that way. They for the most part mean well but they don't realize they are hurting you. Because they are making your feelings feel invalid.
Grief is an ocean and it comes in waves. Since this is fresh still and unexpected. Suicide is very abrupt and shocking. Just like a love one who seemed alright yesterday and they pass away in their sleep. There was no lead up to it. Like they had a very serious illness and its a matter of time of when they'll pass from it. They were here 1 day and the next they were done. Gone from the present tense to past tense all in a 24hr period.
I've experienced this 2x. First my brother, he was only 45. He went out with his gf and they hung out and she dropped him off at our house. He said to me I'm back. I said to him. I can see that. He sat himself on the couch and turned on the stereo and put on his headphones and laid down. Next day I found him dead. Coroner ruled his death as natural causes.
Then my partner's eldest brother he was in his 50s. He woke up in the late morning and his wife was getting ready for work. He told her he didn't feel too good. But nothing he couldn't handle. He thought it was just a stomach bug or something he ate from last night that just ain't sitting right. She asked him should she stay home and let someone else cover her shift. He insisted she go to work. He would be fine. She told him she loved him and told their teenage son to watch over his dad since he wasn't feeling good. She left. Later on she got a call from their son she'll never forget. That her husband was in real bad shape. By the time she got home. The paramedics told her he passed away. There really wasn't anything they could do.
Now my former sister in law has gotten flack because she apparently moved on "quickly" from her husband's death. Because she was with him for well over 30yrs. But as I explained to people, we are in no place to judge. We cannot know what someone is going through. Or how one would handle grief. Some people throw themselves into work as their form of therapy. And that works for them. Some people mourn for a real long time. Everybody grieves differently.
It's going to be an adjustment for you. Yeah you are going to miss them. There's nothing wrong with that.
Sending love and prayers 🫂❤️
Absolutely bonkers how they can be here one moment & gone the next. I still keep thinking it is some sick joke or is unreal. I cannot believe I spent the whole weekend with him & he is gone. My dog was super unusually clingy, following him around & now I think he knew something was wrong. I kept making comments how odd it was & my bf just said stop being jealous that he was now his dog too. My dog keeps hiding under my bed from time to time like he feels the loss or something too. His son said he never took his diabetes seriously which I kind of knew & tried to encourage him to take better care of himself. I had no clue it was bad enough to take him like it did. So many things left unsaid it is insane.
Sorry for your loss. There could be a lot of people at the funeral who don't know his family: neighbours, coworkers, people he went to college with... If I were you, I would do what is best for you. You could go, sit in the back and not talk to anyone. You could also visit at the funeral home before the funeral. There will probably be visiting times. You could also call the funeral home and ask if you could see him outside of visiting times. Definitely find out where he will be buried or where his ashes will go. Then you will be able to visit when you want for as long as you need. Do you. (You could even take someone with you for emotional support... to the funeral or to the viewing.)
Yes, he was totally understanding of my anxiety, depression, agoraphobia and things. He did not push me to attend things with him & large groups. He took me places & saw the levels of anxiety it caused me, supported me & made me feel safe. All of that is gone. Leaving my room is all I can muster. My fam has been more supportive going places with me but now I feel like my world shrank to just me again, I cannot see past the pain yet. I will be asking for more information so I can go see him on my own, & ask my fam to go with me. I cannot believe all the suggestions & advice everyone has given. So many things I did not consider, my brain just is not working yet. Thank you!
Deepest condolences PiMamaRea. Very sad and heartbreaking. Hang in there dear. Follow your instincts on how you’re comfortable dealing with the situation on attending services. Lifting you in prayer.
Thank you. So difficult navigating it all, as he was the person I would be talking to about things & that is no longer an option. I appreciate all the advice & acknowledgement.
(((hug))) hang in there. God speed good things to you. Lifting you in prayer.
hello, I am very sorry for your loss. If you ever need someone to talk to and express how you are feeling I am always here. We all grieve and feel in different ways. Wishing you the best.
Thank you, I still cannot believe I found my person & that he is gone now. I feel so much & he was my person. He was helping me through the loss of my cousin, empty nest from my adult child moving on their own, my depression & anxiety. I never thought anyone would understand, tolerate or support me in any of my stuff. It was a first & my heart, mind, body & soul ache with such pain. Sleep is a mess, eating all over the place, I know I just need to stop keeping thongs bottled up.
Everyone here will to listen to you because we care, we are here for you. Please stay strong.
You can choose Grief counselling that suits you in the beginning you can be just one on one with a Counsellor.You can choose to continue just like that or take advantage of joining small Grief Support groups in your local area.
Do a bit of research , you may find that there are little groups nearby that are set up for people whom have lost loved ones because of a long term illness.
Obviously, the feelings of grief and emotions felt by loved ones of those whom were ill or died suddenly from a change in their illness can be very different to those in other circumstances. Being in a group face to face , or an online group , will mean there will be more people there whom understand your feelings and shock.
You could also contact your local Diabetes group and see if they have any recommendations of grief counselling or groups that they suggest to their members or their families whom deal with the grief from a death from Diabetes.
You will feel shocked and a bit numb , it came out of nowhere.
Be kind to yourself and rest.
Journalling and just getting all your feelings out on paper really help in the early stages of Grief.
You can also share some of this with your Counsellor so that they can know better ways to help you.
Don't feel put under pressure to do things for his family or answer their questions , you have your own Grief to work through it is not your responsibility to look after theirs.
Don't feel dragged down with their dramas or funeral arrangements, think of a way you want to remember your partner in private or with a few close friends.
Go on a walk around places you visited and enjoyed, or sit quietly in a peaceful spot and think about them or listen to your favourite shared music in a nice spot.
I found this much more comforting after my mother died , even though I'd arranged the funeral, funerals are hard for everyone and sometimes dealing with other people and the stress the event makes you feel means that you don't actually grieve on the day itself.
Try to create a positive memory box too.
For each feeling of grief you feel or write about try writing down a positive memory .
Allow yourself to cry, look at pictures , but remind yourself that you will miss them but you are still so happy you got the time you did to spend with them.
Be patient with yourself , grief can take time , hugs , Bee
Thank you for all the suggestions. I plan to look up groups and am really such a mess with sleep only being a couple hours at best sporadically. I just cannot believe he is gone. I am still texting him & my cousin not like I did when they were alive, but some. I spoke to him all day every single day until the night he passed. I am trying to cope but he was my person. You gave me so many things to consider. Being patient is definitely something I need to consider. But these emotions are so overwhelming & he was who I would share them with. I have nothing but fond memories of him & my cousin. The emotional toll feels like actually physical pain, is insane honestly.
I empathize with you completely.Grief does feel like that for everyone, it's not just a mental loss you do feel it physically for a while. You are also in a little shock.
Focusing on those positive memories help though even if you feel like you've turned into a bucket of tears.
If you have any other friends you feel comfortable with , ask them if they can come around or stay with them for a few days to get that extra support.
Go to the counselling, as much as you need.
Call a helpline if you can't speak to someone else and you really need to talk to someone at any time you need to , don't hesitate to ask for help.
Look after yourself physically because grief does take a toll on your body and it's easier to cope with if you take care of your body. Hydrate well, eat light but tasty food, have a bath of shower, sleep when you feel you can, try so relaxing breathing , listen to music and try the journalling.
It will feel like a big stone in your chest and you'll wonder if it will stop but believe me when I say it will , time and focussing on the positive does heal this wound.
Hugs , Bee
Omg, I ache so much in so many ways. It feels so unbearable at times. I considering going to a 24 hour clinic and have been for the last few hours. I live with some family but they haven't dealt with this kind of loss. I am only sleeping an hour or 2 at a time so far. I go from being numb, to crying nonstop, everything feels so monumental right now & I am usually not an emotional person. Not until the losses of my cousin and him, it is all so new & overwhelming to lose my person. It definitely feels light a weight of pain I have never felt before. Thank you for all the advice. I am so deeply appreciative.
So sorry to hear about this PiMamaRea , my prayers are with you🙏
Have you tried the Health Unlocked Bereavement community? They may be able to help you as well.
Cheers, Midori
No, I started with my depression and anxiety on here and he was helping me. I will look it up, thank you for the suggestion.
I am so sorry for your loss of your boyfriend. It is always hard to try and deal with the pain, but it will take time to accept that he is in a better place now.I would go to the service, even if you don't really know his family. I know it might be hard, but you don't want to regret it later, if you don't go.
Please let me know in a few days how you are dealing with your life.😇😇
Ty, I agree on all pointa. I plan to do fly by at least. I am currently checking into a clinic for my depression he was helping me with. Already wo many regrets & things left unsaid. Ty, I will update.
I am so sorry to hear this. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. Always here to talk while you are waiting for the counseling next week.
Ty, sitting in waiting room of a 24 hour crisis clinic. Sleep is jacked, eyes swollen, crying, then numb, just dunno how to process since he was who I did that with.
🙏🙏🙏
That's awful - I'm so sorry.
Sorry, my dear for your loss I don't know what I would do if something happened to my boyfriend. And, I'm going through grief as well yes please go to the Funeral I'm in a Grief support group online every Thursdays at 6:30 pm if you want to join or want for information let me know!
I, meant want more information let me know!
So sorry for this tragic unexpected loss. I think you already making plans for grief counseling is a big plus, very smart! I really think going to the service would help you process, and I think you would regret not going. Just my opinion. I hope this helps, please take care of yourself which reading you are already doing. You sound like a very strong person to have already made plans for counseling for yourself. All the best to you.
Ty, this is the most emotional and out of sorts I have ever felt, but thank you. I am trying to make my way through it
I told you were strong you mentioned trying think about that, that is really something!
I don't know if you like listening to sleep meditations but perhaps it could help you somewhat to get some rest tonight.
Ty. I do turn on sleep meditations & have for a few months as they do help quiet my mind that never relaxed. The meds helped sleep last night, but wake wanting to text him & talk to him. Hurts that my person is gone.
Of course, it hurts and going through grief is not easy. You have your first appointment for grief counseling coming up. Your doing everything you can to help yourself. I am sorry for your loss and you suffering. My neighbor is going through the same thing.
Her husband died a month ago. Continue being good to yourself, I go get massages weekly to help me and for maintenance. Maybe that could help you too if you like massages. Taking a hot bath in Epson salts helps me too. Call 211 if you need to talk with someone, Seek out bereavement support group. Just some ideas for you.
Ty, constantly fighting to see pass the pain & loss
I can understand that, I am struggling bad myself today. I feel like I am unraveling the anxiety and sadness is so overwhelming. I am going to go out of town to see my Mom for her 100th birthday and I feel horrible inside. She is so looking forward to seeing me and I am scared and full of anxiety just to make the trip and she has never seen me like this. Loss is horrible of a person you love or loss of yourself. I have had both right now I am struggling with loss of myself. I'm off to see my massage therapist she will help me calm down for a while.
Yes, it feels all consuming. Keep fighting urge to just shutdown and stay home like a recluse. Quite over the world at large presently, but know I have to do what has to be done. I find no meaning in much of anything right now.
Hi just got home and they forgot to put me in the book today for my massage. So I go tomorrow. I was sure looking forward to it. This has been a very difficult day. I don't know if you're on any medication if not you can get St. John's Wort over the counter, and it helps with mood. Have you thought about a therapist? I know you're going to see a grief counselor, but both could be helpful. I am sure and can understand why at this time you can't find meaning in anything. Do you have any pets?
Oh, I am sorry to hear about the mix up & know how disappointing that stuff can be. No, I will look for some for my next grocery pickup order, ty. She said she works on grief, anxiety, PTSD, & depression. Just had to Google difference between a counselor & a therapist lol. Hmm, said counselor is usually short term specific issues and therapy long term deeper mental health concerns. I been trying to find one for months that takes my insurance, is accepting new patients, and has availability. So far only found the 1 counselor.I do have dog, but he seems to also be affected by the loss. He is hiding under my bed much more and been whining, which is unusual & he is by himself when he does it. He was super attached to my boyfriend. Think we are both grieving in somewhat similar ways, I also want to shutdown and shut the world out. He is my tether, along with my adult daughter & my older brother.
Back from the 24 hour clinic, which was far more traumatic as some other lady targeted me as soon as I walked in. Made it through but feel like it was just a waste of time, resources, made sure I couldn't sleep still, and I just feel worn out. Never doing that again.
PiMamaRea, my sincerest sympathy on your loss. I'm so sorry xx
Hoping therapy will help because at this point I am extremely ok with the idea of not being anymore. Not that I would do anything to make it happen but I am ok with that concept.
I hope things work out for you. All you can do, is one day at a time. I'm hear to listen, anytime you want to talk.🫠
Ty, went to my doctor's. Starting therapy & grief counseling. Now also have high blood pressure & some blood test that show high levels. Finally sleeping with some sleep aides.
It's good that you have a therapist to talk with. Blood pressure can be controlled with meds, and it sounds as if you are getting sleep now. Try to not over do it, just one day at a time. 😃😀
Ty, yeah they prescribed something but them my labs they ran came back with somethings too high now I have to wait for them to let me know next steps
Hopefully they will get things straightened out for you real soon.
I hope you have a peaceful day! 🥰🥰
Ty, waiting to do 2nd to last TMS session
Sounds like things are looking up, just hang in there. You will start to feel better, even if it doesn't seem like it. Keep me posted, I'm always here to listen.🐨🐦
I'm so sorry for this shocking blindside loss. The feelings you describe I understand. As for the service, I can totally understand your ambivalence. Hell, when my dad died, I was reluctant to go the memorial, as my horrid siblings and Dad's weirdo "friends" would be there--and believe me, they didn't disappoint. You could just go very briefly to pay your respects, offer solace to his mom, then leave. Grief is a bear. Wishing you peace in an uncaring world.
Ty, you are right in that the world is a train wreck on the best of days. Sad that it is quantity over quality these days. I am finishing up my TMS tomorrow & decided to get back to basics since I work remotely from home, going to just go to therapy every other week in person & virtually the other week. Just want to shut the world out for a while.
Hi, I just wanted to mention to you that I was introduced to these series of videos
when my thoughts were at their lowest. It helped me to watch them.
I hope it helps you too. nowmattersnow.org/
Great! take care of yourself, I am going out of town for a few days, I check any replies from you when I get home. Hope the videos helped you,
Enjoy & ttyl
So hard to see the point in things after losing my person. Ugh, Sundays & Mondays are the hardest because we spent the weekends together & he would reassure me he was there for me to help me through my depression all week, check in all day everyday and that there was always next weekend again. Now that is all gone.
Still struggling to see the point in things. Feel like a hamster in a hamster wheel. Doing what has to be done for no other reason than to get it done. Feel like the Amazon robot & just want to shutdown. Just don't see the point, when so many people on the planet and so few connections. Absolutely mind blowing the human statistics of it all.
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