I fell asleep after my last post and woke up to see mom crying. I don't know why. I'm scared to ask. Just seeing a parent cry is a lot. And imagine the scenarios in my head. Crying and gulping. I have developed a fear of gulping and drinking because of her. I tried to pretend im still asleep but i was panicing too hard. Thinking what happened. What if dad has more babies? Is he Genghis khan? What the hell happened?! THANK GOD she's asleep now. Thank God and all the angels.
Maybe it's better i go back to university city and just clean and exercise and try to rebond with my therapist (the cbt one not the Freudian one). The problem that i have been avoiding to talk about because i feared of the reaction is that i met a boy from university city who's really eager to see me. But i don't feel ready. Today i had decided i would no longer think about university city and this boy and would just rest and i wake up to see mom crying and the first thing i do is text him. The second thing i do is go outside and call. I was in insane panic. I told myself I won't talk to him, i don't feel ready, he's thinking of his ex. But i really needed someone on the phone. I used to call grandma but she's only triggering me more and im scared if her since the sanatorium. I told myself i won't talk to him and I won't go back but seeing mom cry made me want to go back asap and call him asap. I couldn't even text, if i could i would come here. He suggested me to live with his ex. My guts did another backflip.
It's so fked up. Not only young adult problems but also family troubles. I think love is a stupid think to worry when my mom is in this condition. I tried to hug her and kiss her and tell her i love her before i went out. I couldn't stay. Texting wouldn't help. I needed to talk and i couldn't do this in front of her. We talked for 3-4 hours until i calmed/got too anxious if mom's alive or if sis is back and seeing her in this condition or arguing with her. I panic all the time and he responds asaf. I need 24/7 reassurance. He's from my university, studing for an English teacher but they study psychology too and with my teachers. It's not like i love him, I'm philophobic and my heart is numb from the Klonopin i pop to survive every day, love is not my priority, but damn im jealous and insecure. Please don't judge, I'm going hell. I spend 4 hours panicing outside, talking on the phone and eventually came back at 12:20 midnight because the image of mom dead was in my head. Or if she had a dispute with sis. Probably i need to get out of here but I'm not ready to take care of myself or let him take care of me and have a boyfriend. I'm not ready for that but i realise nobody else would talk to me on the phone during work for four hours and offer to take care of me if im struggling to eat and cook in my accommodation. I honestly prefer foreign bonds. I feel like im 13 not 23
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hi, I learned something to do for me is to just ask myself what is it I need right now? just this moment to feel a little better. Then do that. Try to let big questions go sometimes and just take the next step. You are funny, smart, kind and amazing. You make funny jokes in your non native language, yeah, you are special and very smart. Just the next step, baby steps....do something that will nurture you, like a coffee, tea, sit in park, snuggle in bed, I so relate to all your posts... you have options and they will get better in the future...nurture self....sending support <3
Thank you for sharing more of your story. I can see the moving pieces and you are certainly in a place with a whole lot to think about. I think you are getting to the right conclusion to go back to University. I think your family needs to figure their own needs out. I have spent years of my life trying to make my family get along and work. I realize that it never would have mattered what I did. They are on their own path and we can provide input, but it's how they chose to live.
Absolutely no judgement about this boy at school. He is a sounding board that seems to be helpful. I think if you make it clear you care for him and want to build upon a friendship, the message is clear. I wouldn't say you'll never date him or he's not the one. You don't have any idea, but you do have someone wiling to be there for you. It is his choice to spend time talking and being with you.....just be straight up on the timing and where you are in regards to getting into a relationship. As others have said, you are so smart, quick, funny and in tune with your needs. Over the years and as I have aged, I can look back and see where I wish my parents would have stepped and didn't or that they had some of their own struggles I wasn't aware of. I've had to cut one sister out of my life due to her addiction issues. It was one of the hardest but best decisions I've made. She refused therapy but does some doc shopping for meds. My parents have enabled this over the past 20+ years. Do what is right by you! Slow and steady. I am so glad to hear you have someone to talk to that is closer and can relate. I too was on Klonopin for years. I will say I miss it as it was faster acting than what I have today which is Valium.
I know the transition into adulthood is difficult. Plus you were going through school during COVID and all of the mess it brought along. All I can say is that being adult is just about looking after yourself and self care. I know it seems daunting. I believe you will find relief over time as you take small steps on your mental health journey. I literally just take it one day at time. It's all most of us can do. I hope you do keep up with the CBT. I know my therapy is something I value and need each week. When I miss a session, I know I'll need help to refocus on my priorities. My therapist tends to ground me on what is actually important and what is taking up too much of my head space.
Thank you again for sharing a bit more! You are a strong young woman and doing the best you can to feel safe.
I think the people who have posted have covered almost everything I could think to say. I have only one thing to add. 012703060610 writes "All I can say is that being adult is just about looking after yourself and self care." I agree with that statement almost entirely, but I would remove the "just." Being an adult is indeed about learning to take care of ourselves, but also about learning to care about others. I got kind of verklempt when I read the part where you wrote "I tried to hug her and kiss her and tell her i love her before i went out." THAT was really being an adult. In that moment you tried to give your mom what she needed AND to give yourself what you needed as well. Finding that balance was a huge step forward and when you feel as if you are not behaving like a grown-up, remember what you accomplished at that time. And you continued to think about your mom as you talked to your friend. I'm proud of you again. You may not feel it, but I think you making important strides toward being the person you want be. Well done.
I just woke up in panic and can't think straight to write more. I still worry why she cried. I still worry about her drinking and how she's gonna be when she wakes up. I worry about her bottles and napkins and snaks coverages. She usually hates this stuff around
Of course you're worried. You love your mom, even when she upsets you. If talking with her is difficult, could you write her a note? Just something simple saying you saw how sad she was and you hope she's feeling better?
I was about to write pretty much the same thing that SoporRose wrote. You love your mom and are worried about her, but at the same time you are not responsible for her actions. The main person you need to be taking care of is yourself. And when you can, nurture yourself, be good to yourself.
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