Any advice?

Im 42 and I've been living with my parents all my life..we never got along and as for my sister she's got her own family but I don't talk to her as she is toxic..I cant say I've been the perfect son but I'm a sensitive guy and all three have managed to lay their insecurities on me and I've become depressed, anxious, withdrawn, insecure , low esteem etc..at times I go on holidays and when I'm away, all these feelings just disappear..its when I come back home I'm depressed and they are the first to bring me back down again..they hate it when I'm happy but their perfect when I'm depressed..Im confused..Im thinking of leaving cause i can't stand the abuse anymore..I want to leave and start another life and I don't care if I end up in the dumps like they always tell me..Im sick of there threats, narcissism, emotional verbal abuse and them putting me down..Im scared incase I feel guilty of leaving them..they are in there seventies but so alive and kicking..its me that's bed bound cause of them..Im totally opposite when I'm without them..should i leave?

21 Replies

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  • I can hear your helplessness, fear and sadness... Must be really hard for you.

    Life is all about making choices. It is important to get out of abusive households. It is most of the time difficult for us to get out of something we are used to, let it be pain. Most of the time it is the fear of unknown, of getting out there in the part of this world we have not experienced first hand. I suppose you should take go to a counsellor to seek help and help you through this situation as it is important to you.

  • Thanks zee..Im afraid to make the wrong choices..I've never been taught confidence, strength, courage etc from my parents..now alone I don't know what's wrong and what's right..I agree it's difficult to get out of what we are use to..Im here cause of the love i have for them..but for them I'm their punching bag and im deteriorating...Thanks again

  • I can feel how hard is it to have opposite feelings for the same person and people who should be loving us. The day you realize the problem, you can learn the skills to handle it. I hope you think for yourself now. You matter.

    I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself

  • Hi yes you should leave and as soon as possible. You are still young and deserve and need to have your own life.

    Find the courage to move away and I promise you living alone and being fully independent from this atmosphere will give you more confidence and power to make your own life.

    It sounds like your parents have always encouraged you to stay at home with them? A guilt trip maybe? It doesn't mean you can't still see your parents but it does mean you can escape when you need to.

    Don't be afraid of making decisions as there are very few which are irreversible. If it doesn't work out when you leave you could always move back home couldn't you? Bet you would wouldn't though!

    Be brave, be strong and get out of there. x

  • Thank you..yes the guilt trip they give and the mind games and everything else..they've made a mess of me..thank you for saying I'm still young coz theyve made me feel so old..they've withered me but it's my fault cause I let them out of love but now I can't take it anymore..thank you for your support..I will get out..

  • Great. I am always here to chat if you need a bit of encouragement. x

  • I found in life that choices cannot always be blamed on others. One has to do what us right and have a short term and long term plan. Do you have a plan such as a job and a place to go? Also, is this a cultural thing also such as the kids are expected to always live with the parents ? As you know if you are in the US, lots of adult kids live separately, but still help their parents or at least spend time with them. It does not necessarily have to be all one way or the other.

  • I understand the fear completely. I am 31 and have always lived at home myself. I really haven't even had a gainful job in a long time. I get used, mostly by my father, as an errand person and he even tries to use me to make decisions I for him I should have no place making. The depression and anxiety has been so crushing it's been hard to try to move on. But I recently made the decision to say enough is enough. I've been putting out job applications and finally have an offer of employment at a local retail store. And while it won't be a great job, it will be a start. One baby step at a time.

    I agree with others here that trying your best to move on for yourself is your best solution. Looking for a therapist to speak to about what is going on in your home and how it's effecting you is also a very good idea. I know taking these steps will be very difficult. And even once you start on that road, it won't be easy. But you CAN do it. It will feel good to do it, I promise.

  • Thank you..so you think I should make the move to move out?..I do not need a therapist I've lived this first hand I know exactly how it's effecting me...good luck to you too..hope you make right decisions..

  • A therapist or counselor may still be good just for someone outside of everything to talk to. A third party to unload on and let out your feelings. But other than that, from what you've said, it sounds like your current living situation is toxic to your well being. You say you feel better when you're not there, so I think that is your answer.

  • Yes you should leave. No one deserves to be put down and treaded poorly. It's time to gain your independence don't let them guilt you into anything. You are an adult and it is time to make the adult decision of living yourself and taking charge of your life, your health and future, if you don't take care of yourself who will?. I wish you the best. Let us know when you take the step of moving forward on your own

  • Thank you ..I needed the re assurance..thank you for understanding..

  • This is a great post

  • Yes, you should leave, and as quickly as possible, even if you have to stay in a shelter. If you don't have a job there are programs that can help you find one and then you can get your own place.

    Sometimes there are families one has to be free of in order to have peace and dignity. No one deserves to be abused.

    At 42, you are an adult with the judgment and skills to make your own life. Don't let your parents make you doubt yourself. You are no longer a helpless child, regardless of what they say. You can do this. It's time.

  • Thank you..I agree ..its time..thank you so much

  • YES, YES and YES...get out NOW,. Sounds like nothing but a lot of TOXIC people around you, they have you hostage emotionally, they have ALL the POWER and know IT...you say your better when your away....YOU have to put your MENTAL HEALTH FIRST. my fiancées daughter is toxic for him and SHE is enjoying every minute of it. Which is why I won't marry him as long as she has Control over him. It's like he's addicted to it? Maybe you are TOO? Seek concealing to help you break FREE. I bet it will Benefit your WHOLE FAMILY???

  • Thank you , your absolutely right..they are toxic..they thrive on that power and yes they know it..I just wanted love between us all, but all three are control freaks..im nothing like them..Im depleted cause of them..yes when I'm not with them for weeks, I stand tall, when I'm back with them they stoop me back down..thank you for understanding..I must leave..

  • Hey.....I'm in a similar situation....no need to feel alone youre not :) I came from total dysfunction and it has affected every aspect of my life ...I, like u, are very sensitive person and surrounded by Narcissists...I have felt like ive been surrounded by a pack of wolves, they have abused me in every way and I am a shell of the person I used to be...I suffer daily panic attacks..i have Ptsd through all the trauma and was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome only 2yrs ago aged 45...Don't let this abuse go on any longer...u don't deserve it...I am also now looking to leave to live on my own as I know they will kill me slowly if I stay...I really believe we will be better off alone at least they cant hurt us anymore with their vile games...I'm wondering if u could be codependent as I have found out I am...a people pleaser....that makes it difficult for us to leave them...yet we know we are suffering...that's how much they mess with our minds....I am here anytime if u need to talk....I hope u really think about this and find the right answer for u....:) Hugs

  • Thank you..I just can't make up my mind hence why I wrote this post...Im scared of making the move, not so much moving out , but the thought I might be making the wrong move..theyve always blamed everything on me, and now I do it to myself..Im just trying to do what's right, but I'm struggling with what's right and what's wrong..thank you, how confident are you about leaving

  • You are in a very bad place. It’s not healthy for you! I think you answered your question yourself! When you are on holiday you are happy. Choose happiness over misery. You can still love your parents from afar. It may even improve your relationship. I truly understand your fear. I’m in a bad place but for fear, finances, self doubt I’m in it. I’m a few years older than you. Not much! We’re young! Have you ever heard the expression, “nothing ventured, nothing gained”? You know if you stay you’ll never be happy. You know when you leave you are happy. Things always come with challenges. I think being healthy and happy is much more important! We talked about this before ellinaki. I think you know deep down what is best but with depression we loose motivation. The fear of the unknown is also debilitating. You deserve a life! That bed will slowly strip the health out of your body. The muscles in our body including our heart needs to be used. It’s that old saying use it or lose it. How true that is. I know first hand. I am in the process of building my physical self back up and getting back in shape after being in the same shape. It is not easy but nothing worth it ever is. You can do it! Can you start by getting a job then slowly working up to moving out? I’m afraid for you that staying there will make that harder to do. Take that first step. It’s always the hardest one. We are here to support you every step of the way! You’ve got this!

  • You're scared of change hence that might be the main problem- being scared and tangled up inside. If you are not working or at least are looking for better employment, vocational couseling before you get too old might really benefit you. Control freaks rarely change- it's who they are. I hope you at least find a counselor/support group that can help bring up your confidence. Also, I hope that you have other friends/relatives that can support you so that they bring out the best you. You mention that your parents are in their seventies. What will you do when they are gone? I hope that your parents at least thought about that. Does your sister live elsewhere? Sometimes siblings get angry when the last one leaves ( have heard of that) due to their own guilt so they heap it on other people. I don't know if this is the case. Try taking little steps that will benefit you such as the job, counseling and a place to live that is affordable. Guilt ( other than a learning experience) really does not do any good especially when used as control. Also, perhaps some people get too comfortable in a role, then they wallow in it and do not move forward. I wish you well- continue to have strength towards being the adult you want to become.

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