Help for my Mom

[ToadFace00]

I'm looking for a solution to a seemingly impossible situation. My sister has out of control anxiety issues which causes her to fly into rages at the slightest provocation. She's unwilling to help herself, as she believes her feelings and thoughts are not the problem, and that everyone else is just hateful and rude, including her own family. She lives with our mother, whom she verbally attacks on a daily basis. Because of all of this my mom is a shell of her former self now, living her life in a way that "won't upset your sister." She refuses to kick her out, even as her own health deteriorates over the massive stress she faces daily, saying "She has no where else to go." I've long considered how fix this situation as I feel it is now my responsibility to do so. I just don't know what to do. My mom has begged me not to confront my sister as it will only make things worse for her. I'm at a lost and would appreciate any suggestions.

[Hidden]

It seems that your sister has some deep insecurity matters that need to be brought to the surface. Has she suffered from something in the passed that she can’t let go of?

[ToadFace00 in reply to Hidden]

Our mom has babied her her whole entire life. Unfortunately, this has caused her to not have a coping mechanism and/or to take ANY responsibility for herself. My mom knows this and its another reason why she refuses to kick her out. She feels she created a monster and she's not wrong, but it cannot continue.

[ToadFace00 in reply to ToadFace00]

Attempts have been made over the years to talk to her about her behavior, but it always ends up the same. She freaks out, claims to be the victim, and storms out. Afterwards, when she is again alone with my mom, she alludes to suicide to play on my mom's emotions. This is unbelievably cruel, as we've lost a family member to suicide. But it works well on my mom, as she immediately becomes super protective of my sister and her behavior even as far as ostracizing the rest of the family. Eventually, they both fall back into the same pattern and my mom realizes she was tricked into sympathy. It's an exhausting cycle. At this point my mom has decided letting things be is the best solution. I cannot accept this, as my mom was diagnosed with a heart condition this year, and will be undergoing a procedure to correct it. In the mean time, she is suppose to be minimizing stress. Of course this is the opposite of what is going on. My sister is undeterred by this health issue, and in fact the day my mom learned of her diagnosis, my sister threw an enormous fit because she wasn't the first one to be told.

[Hidden]

All to common. Your sister needs to have her attitude checked in a big way it sounds like. She sounds like she doesn’t appreciate what others are doing for her so she has developed as strong entitlement behavior. If your mom doesn’t do anything about it she is only hurting your sister more. What happens to your sister in an event your mom moves on to heaven?

[Krazie]

Whew! Usually, tantrums are thrown for the audience. Remove the audience, and the tantrum tends to stop. Based on that principle, I would say that the next time sister launches into a tirade, everybody leave. Even if it means leaving the house. Not a word said, just leave.

If sister is ever rational enough to have a quiet, productive conversation, she needs to know what her behavior is doing to mom. Mom needs to be part of this, as does any other household member. The problem needs to be explained in a matter of fact tone of voice, without blame or recriminations of any sort. This will cause the conversation to break down. To maintain the flow, anger or any sort of negative emotion must be kept away. Ask sister for her advice about she thinks needs to be done. It is important for her to be a part of the discussion, not made to feel she is being ganged up on. Even if sister becomes agitated, maintain calm. As I imagine tension is quite high, this will not be easy, but for the sake of a possible solution, it must be done. Maybe practice what you plan to say in front of a mirror, so that you can monitor your facial expressions. If sister does become so agitated that she is unable to be a part of the conversation, tell her you will continue the discussion when she is calmer, and leave. Do not listen to her berate, belittle, scream, or cast blame. That is non productive. Best of luck to you all.

[ToadFace00 in reply to Krazie]

Thank you for your input. The idea of all of us walking out on her is one I had never thought of, since she usually does the storming out. This is definitely something I'll consider.

[Krazie]

P.S. Is it possible that sister has a mental condition?

[hypercat54]

Hi there may be other reasons why your mother won't do anything such as she doesn't want to live alone? Or other ones you are not aware of. Unfortunately there is very little you can do as you cannot force your sister to leave or your mother to kick her out. All you can do is keep an eye on the situation and to be there for your mum when she needs you.

She has asked you not to confront your sister so please don't as you could be making her life harder. x

[Hidden]

I know you love your mom dearly, but your mom is an adult. She is the only one who can decide what kind of relationship she has with your sister. It’s not your responsibility. If your mom was really suffering she would have done something about it. It seems she might have her own issues if she has allowed this relationship to continue. Save yourself the grief and just accept it for what it is. If you do something and they both get insulted you lose both mother and sister.

[Krazie]

Hypercat, I have always had the greatest respect for your comments. This time, however, I have to disagree with not talking to sister. I do think that confrontation would most likely make things worse. To try to have a rational discussion, without confrontation, and all participants remaining calm, is the only avenue I see, based on toadface's comments. I feel the situation is critical, because of the mom's health. There are plenty of scientific articles on the damage stress does to the heart. Continuing stress is likely to cause the mom further heart trouble.

However, none of it can take place if the mom does not agree. In this case, toadface can try to seek professional assistance. Though that could be expensive. It is a tough situation. I feel for what toadface must be feeling. She/he may have no choice, but to accept the situation, and try to find peace for her/himself

[cbonne846]

How old is your sister? How long has this been going on?

[Lilly5]

The three of you should go to a therapist and see what he says. If your sister keeps the same attitude, tell your mother to move in with you.