Mother/young adult daughter and making amends...

[Montana136]

Hello community, I have been rereading my posts and I noticed that I think I observe mood swings have increased. Because sometimes I'm ok and looking forward and sometimes I'm really sad and down. Week to week. That's how my posts read anyway. Anybody else have this? I just find that interesting

So this week I'm feeling relieved, sad a little but not as much as I had been. I had a falling out with my daughter, she is 20 going to University and lives with my mother. I had to make amends to her yesterday and relay my perspective of the events that occurred when I became severely depressed when she was 12 until she was 14 and then she moved to my mom's. I'm anticipating that her response is not going to be in my favor. So in 10 days she is going to read me her response letter to me and she requested to be with my therapist in person. so the anticipation is building in my mind. Right this moment I am not wound up or upset I'm just kind of like it is what it is. But I'll be crying about it in the morning. I shouldn't do this but I guess I'm forecasting that she is going to reject me completely or set some insane boundaries where I'm not allowed to talk about problems between us.

I can't figure this kid out when she's around me she's very stoic and like there's a wall in between us. Her wall. When she's with her friends or other family members she acts totally different than when she acts with me. She's vague with me, doesn't tell me things, doesn't think to call me and see how I'm doing, she visits with me for half an hour before she looks like she has ants in her pants and she has to go, won't share her feelings when it comes to mother daughter relationship. She's totally radio silent! So I don't know, if what I talk about to her, is hurting her or helping her. I'm not trying to create drama. But I have healing I HAVE to do for myself so that was my intent to make amends and heal myself by offering her an explanation as to what was happening to me and my condition of depression. I didn't raise her and tell her all about my depression I wasn't sure if I should tell her or not so I chose not to talk about it when she was young. I rather avoided the subject so although she probably has seen a lot of symptoms she doesn't recognize it though and I never said anything like Mommy was behaving strangely and acting different then usual and depressed.

I think I'm getting mixed messages from this 20-year-old kid I think she has a hard time expressing herself to me and her grandmother with whom she lives. I think she has a resentment towards authority figures that she lives with. Because she acts the same way to her Grandma where she's at now. Anyway I love my daughter very much I will never give up on her. I told her that tonight. I really do hope she chooses to forgive me and try and reconnect with me that's all I want. I'm praying for that and I'm giving her space so she can do her own thinking in 10 days she'll let me know with her letter and response to my amends letter. Wish me luck! 😅. Any advice any response you might want to offer? I'd love to hear some contributions from this community. Until then take care and be well! ✌️🌈🌻

[Loosingtrack]

To start i am not a parent and am still quite young, so i may not have the knowhow for this tipe of situation, but heres some ideas i have that may help explain her approach. Forgiveness can take a minute especially towards authority figures because they began as a role model but if something ruins that image it can be hard to restore. Through understanding and communication many barriers can be brought down. She may have wanted a third party to ensure that you aren't too defensive. It would be best to let her explain how she perceived and experienced what she went through. Once she has let it all out, you can ask your therapist of ways to have your side come off as an explanation rather than an excuse.

[Montana136 in reply to Loosingtrack]

You are right. Pretty good for not having a child of your own. I imagine you may have grown up with a mentally ill parent or no? Yes I definitely know personally how long forgiveness can take! I had the same problem with my mother. I was very angry with her but I continued to live with my mother till I was 18. my daughters 20 and not present in my home. Your perspective sounds very logical. Reasonable. I like what you said about authority figures and role models. It makes sense really. Thank you for bringing this different perspective to me. May I ask your age? Just curious. Take care and be well 👍😊

[fauxartist]

Kids know, and sometimes they think your emotional detachment when going through the depth of depression is somehow their fault, or they blame themselves thinking they are somehow responsible. When a parent suffers from a mental illness, I think it's really important when a kid is old enough to start noticing when your suffering, to let them know that this is something you go through, and you can't fix it, but most importantly to let them know it's not their fault, and you don't mean to feel this way and you can't help it, it has nothing to do with how much you love them, and you understand it may be hard on them as well, to see you to through your depression, but don't worry, just be okay and let you go through it. When you try to disguise or deflect from the effects of depression on you....kids are so much smarter than many of us realize....they know something is wrong, they just need to know they didn't do anything wrong, they didn't cause this, and to not take it on board...you will get through it the best you can....it's okay for you to say those things.

[Montana136 in reply to fauxartist]

Hi fauxartist, thank you for the response. Yes I agree she would be more compassionate if I had shared with her when I was displaying symptoms and I knew it. But I've spent my whole life not talking to my family and friends about depression anxiety PTSD. I mean obviously they can all see something's wrong with me because I'm not very functional at times. Guess I'm just ashamed of being depressed anxious.

[fauxartist in reply to Montana136]

This isn't your fault, you didn't cause this, and you should never feel ashamed of having a disease that affects millions. You wouldn't be ashamed to talk to your family about heart disease, or diabetes... the heck with stigma.... it's never too late to have a dialogue when or if you choose to. My mother told me nothing about her life...snips here and there, but other than that....not a word. I know nothing, and frankly, it really leaves a hole in me because I never knew any uncles, or about my grandfather, or about my cousins, nothing. I found out some things when I was older, like when I was 18 I met two brothers I never grew up with or knew anything about their lives. I met two aunts in my 30's. And still don't know even my father's name.

So sometimes we think we are sparing our families, but it can also leave questions, and personally....I'll never know the answers to most of what happened with my mother.

But this is a very painful and personal thing for you...and it's your choice what your comfortable with.

[Montana136 in reply to fauxartist]

Hi fauxartist,Thank you so much for sharing your story I am truly sorry you have that hole in your heart. I do know what you mean. my mom and dad were both depressed people and didn't say a word to me but I grew up in the '70s. So both my parents kind of weren't educated on mental illness. They grew up in the late forties and fifties. I'm not sure how old you are. How old are you? If I may ask. I am 56 my daughter is 20. Yeah she doesn't get it at all about depression. And I didn't give her the information she needed to be supportive to me now.

I know I should not be ashamed, yet I do feel like shame is following me. I also have abandonment issues. I never told or talked about depression with my daughter. it was just her and I together and I didn't want her to grow up thinking she was going to be "depressed" Sounds a little silly after I write it down but that's what I thought when I started raising her 20 years ago. Or it could be that I I'm used to faking wellness, when I can. And hiding when I can't. It's been that way my whole life so maybe I didn't tell my daughter because I'm conditioned to not talk about it or it could be shame-based because of being mentally ill. Don't know for sure probably both knowing me. My days are looking up though I'm feeling better and better everyday in the last week so thank you for being supportive. Have a great night I will hopefully hear from you again, thank you. Take care and be well

[gerrerd]

Hi Montana I will PM you but its hard to get my messages, They show up on your chat but are difficult to open. I think if you try clicking open chat it might work. Ray.

[Montana136 in reply to gerrerd]

I see what you mean I'm not able to use the chat button right now either.

[gerrerd in reply to Montana136]

My email is. [e-mail] will be easier to use.

[Montana136 in reply to gerrerd]

Ok.. I can do that.. put Health unlocked in the subject line. So I can find email. Please be warned I do not check email regularly.Thanks

Montana

[gerrerd in reply to Montana136]

You need to email me using my email above first, the I can reply. Ray,

[Montana136 in reply to gerrerd]

Oh yeah duh. Sorry