Okay so yesterday was a mayhem. Mom decided to clean while she's off work and got the house upside down, before that the night before that telling sis over and over again to drink water and telling me to tell her. Sis was avoiding me, asked me to stay in the car instead in the café with her, yelled at me when i asked what's wrong. I asked mom to talk with her because this uncertainty is killing me and im thinking she might have my mental illness. Mom told me she just had problems with her boyfriend. He said he won't go out but then went out with her friend. I feel bad if she shared to him and used him as support as i did to my ex. But she didn't tell me. Everyone says "support her" but she doesn't want it, she didn't even tell me, didn't even want to talk to me. Leaving for here, i hugged her for goodbye and told her to call me if she needs me.
Okay so it's my first day back at my accommodation. The mold has evolved so much that i might try asking it for half the rent. The mold has evolved so much that it's basically hallucinating mushrooms now. I woke up from a call from the store that i actually imagined myself working in this summer. I didn't pick up. I was terrified and still sleeping. I went to the bathroom, got a deep breath of the hallucinatioous mold and called back. They asked if im still interested in the job and if i want it just as a summer job. I said "until i make it". Knowing myself it could be less than a summer (jk... hopefully). I just don't know if i should have stayed here. But it's not healthy here, right? Here i have better job opportunities that could have paid for a better place but they are full time and hard and only for a call centre it was sure i was in, the job as a psychologist didn't call me. But i don't think i could maintain the job, take care of my place and myself which would lead me to losing the job and therefore the new place. Mom's so toxic but i just need her...or someone to live with but as i don't have a boyfriend. Well, idk home is home. Everyone is telling me that i shouldn't live with mom but i just want to, idk, unless it's evening or the weekend and she's free. She told me i can rest for at least one month and not get a job but i feel like im her wife. It's "you're free, vacuum the floor, clean, give your sister meds" and giving my sister meds is like giving a cat meds - an extreme sport. Like mom, that's my sister not my kid. I was 6 when she was born. My half sister had me at 20 and could be my kid but my other sister that is months apart from being 18 doesn't see me as an authority. She just sees me as a bunch of anxiety and childish. Okay im feeling bad because i almost got a job and i could have used my parents (im a terrible person ik, but im just thinking about my mental health and whether it's best to stay here (maybe not since the mold and all or maybe yes or maybe it's my last month. And about what mom said about not working for at least a month but i don't have a voice, i don't have friends, i don't have what to do, ppl tell me to get a job to stop thinking about mom). Also i could upgrade to 6 hours and get a place in my city. I just need someone who is a real adult and knows how to not grow hallucinating mushrooms on the bathroom ceiling. Or im just really involved with my home apartment. Okay okay im overthinking. We had a talk with dad, he told me he should be saving for sister's driving class. Maybe expected me to get a job in this city and keep it but im just willing to set this place on fire (which might happen naturally if it gets hotter and i don't have AC on) and new place...i already wrote about it plus househunting has my guts out. And im not sure i would keep up with the rent and taking care of myself. Tho my place has just the outcomes of my anxiety, doesn't have mom in. And is safe to do whatever i like. I just can't because im anxious. Idk if i was supposed to keep my place just pay it myself with work here but im overwhelmed. I just know i was supposed to work in my field but my parents don't know it doesn't happen like that - for a therapist i need a license and a supervisor, for a lecturer i need PhD, for HR i need experience, for educational counselor i need someone to get me in because there's competition. And im not stable myself.
The interview is next Monday at 2pm. This means i can get this week here but i have to either travel monday morning and be stressed or go back on Sunday evening when mom's gonna be blacked out. I was just scared to ask for another day....(Here i realised i forgot an egg boiling all night and almost set myself on fire. Can i still eat the egg? It's hard to young adult.)
Okay if I go back to my homecity and work and live at mom's, i will have money. Which is good. I can go to therapy. I saw a guy, cons is less experience, he's expensive but everyone is expensive there and that he's a guy, like i would feel weird telling him about my love problems and about mother-daughter problems and idk what level of empathy he has, pros is that he would ground me, make things more clear, give me the male perspective i need and male validation i need and less overthinking and emotions, straightforward. Biggest pro is that he studied in Canada and the UK. He also does hypnotherapy. And CBT, stress resilience. This guy would be good on grounding me and helping me tolerate stress better which is what i need, the ladies would dig deeper in the wound which i can't take rn. The other lady is a big deal, clinical psychologist, a lot of experience but she worked mostly with addiction and im so tired of this theme. The third lady can offer me EMDR and has my name but she's like crossing the line between psychology and astrology, chacras and stuff, digs deep. Maybe i just want to be gaslighted like my dad did. Don't get me wrong just i was in Freudian analytical therapy for 3 years. Just digging in how my parents left me as a baby did nothing. My current therapist is family constellation one and she's also messing with my inner child. Like let's look at my outter adult because they almost set themselves on fire trying to boil an egg. Also i would have money to help mom go on a vacation with us in Italy or Spain and if i have enough free time take myself on a vacation. And get a cat. My birthday is coming and i want a cat and a ticket for Ed Sheeran. The only concert in Bulgaria (aka Mars) that has a singer I actually like. I want to feel like a young adult in summer. Hopefully they let me go. Some guy offered me to go on a rock camping festival that's exactly on my birthday but i don't trust him to be in the same tent. Like getting unconsent kisses isn't the best birthday experience. I was almost attacked in a similar way on a birthday party of a girl that's born one day apart from me so yeah "birthday list : a cat, an Ed Sheeran ticket and no harassment"(bday is in August so we have time). Talking about that i was so overwhelmed and two guys decided to message me but i don't think they're safe, they just need a situationship and that's something i would never do. I have my morals and that's against it. For my own safety. Just now trying to convince me "it's love" so it passes the moral check but i don't buy it. I need a few months of emotional support and "that made me think of you/im happy you're alive" sort of thing. God, adulting is so hard. I need a manual. Chapter one : How to keep yourself alive. How to cook. Chapter 2: Parents going older. Chapter 3. Work. Chapter 4: Relationships when all your friends are happily dating and you don't trust any males except your online friends (and ppl here ofc which i consider friends, y'all really dear to me). It's so hard that when mom drinks and i go out to take out the trash and not be in there, i talk with my neighbours' kid who is like 8. My only irl friend is 8. I could be arrested for that but i just need someone to play basketball with and finally be taller. I'm short. I'm 5'5. In my head im just an overthinking kindergartener - i don't want to eat and sleep on time like all kindergarteners. This was an embarrassing vent but if i didn't write it out, my head would have exploded. Also i really needed and i promised to write a post about choosing a therapist. By the way wondering whether to go to a psychiatrist. I have already chosen one just idk if i can take new meds and stop my old ones. Or i could go just to know what's going on with me and maybe my meds are right and i just need therapy or adjustments. Maybe he could recommend a therapist... Which would go back to overthinking... God, it's hard being mentally ill...
(A new survey said that c-ptsd can make people neurodivergent as if they have adhd or autism. I feel a lot adhd/autusm recently. And working with it is hard. I'm overwhelmed like my mom. And i haven't even started yet. Lol. I'm sorry if i said something offensive here, im in a weird state rn. I feel like im in some sort of trans or a stroke)
It's like i grieve having a place to escape. And i grieve having no job to keep me from escaping. And im scared if i screw up. And FOMO or just fear of failure that i would be better to have more time to heal. It's hard because here and in therapy we can make progress but then something happens in my family and im back.
Edit : I wanted to bury the trauma but i can't. I got really nauseous. And i think my parents want me to work in my field so i don't forget what i studied. I'm really panicking and anxious. This place isn't helping neither
Mothers are sacred 
