I've tried everything. About 20 different meds, ECT, TMS and ketamine. I've also been hospitalized. I've had treatment resistant depression for around 25 years. I'm in therapy twice a week doing DBT and i see my psychiatrist once/week.
I just can't take it anymore. I've been very suicidal, but I have a 12 year old son who would be just crushed, traumatized and it would ruin his life. I'm also married (marriage in shambles, couples therapy) but desperate to fix it.
getting no relief from meds: 3 months lexapro (2 weeks at 2mg), 2 months on lithium (1 week at 600mg), 7 months on 400mg lamictal. Just started 50mg modafinil 2 days, maybe some promise.
but I've had enough. I need so much help. What I'm doing is not helping. I'm in so much pain, I'm sobbing all the time. I've lost all my interests, I used to be intellectually curious, voracious reader, music, movies. I've become someone I don't recognize, like I've fallen down the rabbit hole and I'm like a piece of furniture. And can't get out of my own head. I can't find distractions bc I'm not functioning enough to even have the energy to try.
but I want the old me back. To be the person I used to be. My wife, therapist and friends say That old me is still still there, I just need to access it and rebuild myself. But how do I do that? I'm barely functional as it is. I've managed to claw myself out of the rabbit hole but That hasn't helped my mood, depression or desperation. I'm at the end of my rope. I can't live like this anymore. I can't do this. I know I have to. But how?
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How did you claw yourself out of the rabbit hole? That does sound sike some modest progress. Can you apply that method to maybe taking one half a step away from the rabbit hold? Also, I am wondering if a longer term stay at a specialized psychiatric facility (perhaps a private one, or a highly respected one) would be of help. It might be worth looking into. x
By clawing out of the rabbit hole all that basically means I can make it to work. I completely not productive but at least I make it to the Building. I honestly thought about going back to the hospital but I need to work or I'd lose my house. And I might lose my wife and son with it.
I wish. Having to interact with people made it worse. I can't really do my job. I just sit there like I'm invisible. I used to be Really good at my job. Ioved it. I was the go to guy no.2 in my unit, even my boss deferred to me. Now, I'm just a shell of myself.
the saying.. when you are at the end of your rope tie a knot in it and start climbing back up....not the easiest...ever notice how easy going down steps is easier, but going up is not....but it is one step at a time. be glad to chat.
Josh, I'm sorry you're still having such a rough time, I was hoping your recent med change would help things 😔
You can get back to yourself with time and patience, which are likely really difficult to manage right now when you've already struggled for so long and would like instant relief. As much as I dislike psychiatric hospitalization it may be the best thing for you if you're struggling so much. I know you said you'd be worried about losing your home, I'm sure there's some kind of help out there, maybe even outpatient you could use?
I know it's so frustrating for you to feel this way, you've really put in the work and truly want to be "your old self", or maybe an even better new self... I wish I had answers for you!
The only how I can think of is "one small step at a time" with some general goals of where you'd like to be in the future. I know you've done this, I realize its exasperating to likely hear the same thing again and still be struggling after so much effort. My heart goes out to you
Thank you so much. I've already been hospitalized once. The thing is, they really infantilize you. I barely got dressed, there was no real "Therapy " and everything is done for you. I need to learn how to be a responsible adult again if I'm going to become my old self. I really appreciate your support
I'm so sorry you're going through this again (still). I'm in and out of the same situation--you know my story. We are very similar. Do you have FMLA (family medical leave act) at work? (You won't lose your job and if you have disability insurance you might get a little money while you're out of work). If so, I'd highly recommend a break from what and how you are surviving now and check in to the best psych hospital/facility you can afford. Maybe even consider taking a loan or 2nd mortgage to do it. Basically, it's your money or your life. You need a break. You need someone (or maybe many professional people) to help you get turned around. You need some weight off your shoulders and to be cared for temporarily. It's heartbreaking to know you are living this every day with no relief. I know it well but I don't have the responsibilities that you have so I can only imagine the extra pressure you are under. Truly hope you can take a month away, be cared for and come out of this headed in the right direction. I'll be thinking of you as always. Please keep writing. We care about you.
Thank you so much. I've already used up my FMLA when I went the hospital in the fall. I was there for 49 days. I came out worse than when I went in. They never tried to medicate me, they took me off of everything I was on and didn't put anything back when I left. Zero. I did ECT which was a nightmare. My job offers no disability and I had to borrow vacation/sick time in advance. If I dont work I don't get paid. There was no real therapy to think of, I saw my psychiatrist 5mins a day tops. Nobody tried to help find out what was wrong with me and had to be there (and I asked). I was treated like a child. I have thought long and hard about another hospital stay, I've talked to my therapist about it. It is tempting. But I'm really not sure how I'm going to get out of this. I really appreciate your support, I care about you too. Have you been to the hospital?
I did an out patient program at a psych hospital. Not a place a would ever recommend as I didn't get any real help either. So glad I didn't go in patient. Sounds like it would have been exactly as you described your stay. What about a private facility like the Amen Clinic or something similar? You're in NY, right? NYC or close to some recommended, well known place? Also, have you done hypnotherapy with a really good, trained therapist? I haven't but I have done hypnosis sessions for other reasons. It might be worth looking into. Hell, you've tried everything else!
You are a survivor. You are way stronger than you think you are. I feel your pain. These are very tough times for a lot of people right now across the board. With the Covid crisis we’re not totally done with yet, it’s driving everyone nuts. Take one day at a time, sometimes take one hour at a time. All is not lost. I don’t know all the details of what is happening between you and your wife, but I bet in a lot of ways she still loves you. And it’s wonderful you have a son. I like kids but financially I knew me and my significant other didn’t have much money so I purposely chose not to have kids. I was also nervous about having a baby. Now I’m 52 and I feel somewhat sad about it but I think I made a wise choice. It’s okay if you’re just going through the motions for awhile. Have faith that things can and will get better. There probably will never be any kind of magic pill that will totally get rid of the depression. But the medications are better than what they had 50 years ago and they are improving. Keep on trying, don’t give up. There is still hope for you. I believe in you even if you don’t believe in yourself. You’ve come this far, don’t give up the ship!!!
Thank you so much for your support. The only reason im alive right now is bc of my wife and son. I can't leave him. It would crush him, traumatize him and ruin his life. He's 12, very smart and astute. He clings to me. When I first came home from the hospital he would follow me around the house. I've been like this for 25 years. I don't want this to be my life, I can't live like this, I need to become my old self again. I know there's no magic pill, but I don't know how to move forward. But if I can't move forward I can't like this either
I don’t know what to say. I am going through some difficult times myself. Just keep trying and reaching out and don’t give up. Something is bound to get better sooner or later. I truly hope you and your wife can try to work something out. My ex and I are still friends, but I know I’m not going back to him. Not quite sure what I’m doing either.
Thanks. You don't give up either. I truly hope something changes soon
I'm here with you Brother, my chronic pain also drives me insane at times but then I see my young boyz and I see the light even if it's just for that moment.
Dear Joshgw, you are living in torment, some one out there has to help you. I am similar in that meds dont suit me much. I am on venlafaxine 150mgs, its all i can take. It keeps my head above water. And ativen for my anxiety it also lifts my mood. I know its a benzodiazapine and very addictive. I have been on it 2 years and it is helping me since my parents died. I wouldnt make it without them. One day i will taper off them. Has your psychiatrist offered you this option it can be a life line. Its not helping you worrying about losing your home,wife & son . This will be adding to your depression. You must come to terms with this. You may lose your home & your wife( i dont know how sympathetic she is to your situatio) but you will NEVER LOSE YOUR SON. He is your flesh & blood and as he gets older will understand what you went through & why you have to put your life first. I am amazed you are still going to work, that is a massive achievement. But maybe you need a rest, less pressure & more love & care to get through this. Its ok to cry this will be a release for you & crying is healing. I have cried everyday for 10months since my mother died, its exhaustig but it is also healing. You are seriously depressed, it is very difficult to claw your way back to normality without proffessional help. Please do what ever you can to get well.listen to the others here on this site, they are rooting for you. This is a matter of life and death for you. Keep hoping something will come through. I know you will poo poo this but i am going to make you a promise. I will set a side sometime every night to say a prayer just for you to get you well. Anyone else on this site believe in prayer can do the same if they feel like it. I will try and manifest all the help you need. So listen to things and look out for things coming your way but you must act on them or accept what is offered. Keep hoping you may have a little team on your side now.
Ryanlion, I will join you in daily prayer for Josh. The whole group is on my list but specifically for Josh right now. I believe in prayer & miracles. God is watching! Love this idea. Thank you!
Thank you so much for your support. I see my therapist twice a week and my psychiatrist once/week. I've been on effexor, didn't work for me. Right now I'm on Lamictal, lithium, lexapro, klonopin and buspar. I'm not getting any relief, but I know I'd be worse without them. I was thinking of adding modafinil but i also think I'd be over medicated. The thing is, I have to worry about my house and family. That's the onlyStability I have. Otherwise I'd be homeless and would never see my son. I need to hold on to what I have.
God is there, His love sustains you and won't let go of you. The battle is His not yours. Just trust Him and rest in His loving arms, I am praying for you . Much love.💔🙏
Everything you are going through is a mirror of what I feel. I have recently tried to do new things to escape from my own self destructive thoughts.
Tomorrow is my first book club meeting to discuss a book with someone. Rather than read it alone and be left to dismiss the story moments after i read it, I think having someone to share the experience will make it a more fruitful endeavour.
Another thing I have looked into is learning to play guitar. I have never played before. I am similar in age to you so you can imagine the way my body functions. Arthritis and less dexterity than a man half my age but i need something to give me a sense of accomplishment. My goal is to play at least one song by Christmas.
You are not alone in your struggles. I am still rooting for you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
I am proud of you too Josh. Count your victories no matter how small they are. Having a job and providing for your family is a victory. Seeking help in your marriage too. We are the most critical of ourselves and often the most negative feelings are so overpowering we forget that we are doing good things too. Hang in there my friend, you are stronger than you think.
Thank you, I needed that. It is so hard to take credit for the accomplishments (wins) that we do. I try to and sometimes I can take credit or "own" the small little victories. I journal a lot and at the end of the day I write them down hoping they sink in. But sometimes I feel that's not enough. I've been going this for so long without any relief you eventually just run out of steam and energy. You begin to wonder how much more you can go on. I look at my son and tell myself I have to push forward, but that only makes it more agonizing.
I'm so very sorry. Please hang on until you can get the help you need. It sounds like they still haven't found the right mix of meds for you? That is so frustrating! Have you tried tapping meditation? It's free and been a big help to me. You can get more info at this link including free meditations and how to download their app. thetappingsolution.com/ Sending you lots of support and hugs.
Hello Josh so sorry you are going through this. Is it possible for you to focus on defining for yourself what the new you would be instead of so much on trying to get the old you back? I know I use to focus on wanting the old me but the truth was that the old me was a scared emotional mess and not who I really wanted to be anyway. We have these imaginary ideals and standards for ourselves but they can be changed, none of us are perfect and it's pointless to pursue perfection. Try finding the ability to accept and love yourself just as you are in this time of difficulty, you're only human like the rest of us. The reality is that we can't go back we can only move forward so take the time and energy to start to define the new you.
Thank you, you make some very good points. I do have a vision of the person I Want to be, which is actually pretty close to the person I was years ago. I don't Really like the person I am now, I can't, it's too painful to live it. It's not me. Nothing like the person i want to be, nothing like the person i was. I cant live the way i am now. Its unbearable. I don't really want to die I want to be my son's father too much. To watch him grow up. But sometimes I do think the only way out is suicide, but I can't do it. I can't leave him. He'd be crushed and traumatized. I can't ruin his life like that. But I can't live like this. I'm dying where I am. Too much pain/anxiety. Yes, as an escape I sometimes say I want to be dead. But I look at my son and I just couldn't
Do you know what was it that made you turn against and start hating yourself? Was it an event or a culmination of things? Knowing the story we are telling ourselves about our self and others can help us start to determine our best course of healing. One of the things i've found with my own healing and what i've read about others is that even when my meds are working I still had to be willing to do the emotional work to heal. Even a good therapist can only provide you with the skills and guidance to heal but you have to be willing and have the desire to heal yourself and process the emotional pain required, that is the hard reality.
I've read numerous times and it's been my experience that depression is actually repressed anger and rage and it may be the same case for you. I started to heal when I allowed myself to get in touch with the repressed anger and vent and process it and the rage i felt. I did it in therapy and I also did it at home by taking a sledge hammer outside, getting in touch with my anger, visualizing who or what I was angry about and beating the crap out of big rocks. i also did it inside with a plastic bat and beating pillows. Another way is to get in touch with the anger and just write it out, don't worry about what it looks like or spelling, etc.. and just let it flow and vent, and throw it away when you are done.
You've mentioned you have tried a lot of meds without success. i went through a bunch too and wound up doing a psychopharmacological test using my dna to determine which meds worked best for me genetically and started on one it recommended (Pristique) and it's worked well. My test was from Genesight. Also, your hormones, thyroid and adrenals as well as your diet can all affect your mood if not functioning properly so make sure they are optimal.
I don't hate myself. True, I'm not happy with the person I am right now, bc it's the really sick part of me. I want more for myself, I want better for myself. I want to be the old me. I remember a time when i wasnt depressed and i was just me. I was really active and intellectually curious and a voracious reader. Im striving towards that goal but really struggling. I get no relief. Honestly, I do not know where my depression and anxiety come from. My meds are not working. I am the first person to admit that meds are just a tool to do the emotional work through therapy, which I do 3 times a week (incl my psychiatrist). But I'm not emotionally stable so it's difficult.
I did the genesight test and did not find it very accurate
Food for thought: I'm not a professional but I would argue that the "really sick part of you" is just a part of you that wants and needs your attention to heal and that you have been rejecting it and that the best time to heal is when you are not emotionally stable and of course it will be difficult, because it's the hard stuff you probably don't want to deal with.
I spent years thinking there was something wrong with me when in reality all that was wrong was a perception and misunderstanding problem on my part. One of the books I found that helped me is "There is nothing wrong with you. Going beyond self-hate" by Cheri Huber.
I don't have any answers, but i already know u are WAY, stronger than me by reading what u have overcome (overcome, meaning u didn't give in to taking the easy way out. I know u aren't over those things yet). My faith has helped me tremendously. I don't want to push religion on anyone who doesn't want to hear it, but try praying, or reading what the Bible says about people who are struggling. You can't look at the big picture, u have to settle for small victories right now (making it to your job, etc). I will keep u in my prayers, i have already said a prayer for u. U can definitely overcome this. I hope i don't offend u by my suggestion. I am just telling u what has helped me. If u have never tried this route, give it a try. What's the worst that can happen from trying to build a relationship with God? That it's fake & doesn't work? Then u wasted ur time. What if u tried it & got strength, healing, etc? That's how i looked at it, basically, "what have I got to lose?" I eventually kept feeling a tugging to bring me back, & I'm glad i listened, because I can't imagine life without prayer & a relationship with Christ, personally . But, that's what worked for me, & i wanted to share, in case it could help u, also. Hang in there. "This too shall pass".
The Bible verse that comes to mind when i am struggling the most is:
Reading through all these replies -- You are All so dear & kind & helps Josh, and me & many of us just knowing there are others out there who understand, & care. I am not religious, but will pray for you, Josh that the help you so want & deserve will come your way. Hugs to All of you.
Have you ever tried EMDR? I am no expert, but sometimes these depression issues can be from unresolved past events. EMDR really helped me a lot with some of these things. I feel so bad for you. Please do not give up.
I asked my therapist who's trained in it, and I'm not really a candidate. First you have to be emotionally stable, which I'm not, and it works best for PTSD which I don't have
Do you have some pleasant memories? Are there any sights/sounds/sensations that soothe? You don't want to make these into idols, but focusing on them can remind of good times and push the bad thoughts and feelings out for a little while. Think also of things to be grateful for and who to be grateful to for them.
I almost ate a pistol in '94 because I couldn't eat or sleep due to anxiety and depression out of control.
On the medication front, have you tried trazadone (night) or duloxetine (day)? These are great anti-anxiety meds and they are a great help to me.
Thanks for writing and I'm sorry you had such a hard time. I've lost all interest in anything. I can't find any distractions bc I can't find the energy to look for them. I'm grateful for my son and wife and that's what keeps me alive. Right now I feel nothing like the real me. I don't want to die, I want to be my son's dad and watch him grow up. Leaving him would ruin his life. I want the old me, the real me back. But I just can't take it anymore. I get no relief. I know I don't have to tell you what that's like. This is horrible to say but sometimes I wish I was alone so I could get it over with. But I'm not alone. I'm stuck. I've tried many meds and other treatments. I have a good therapist and psychiatrist. I'm doing what I'm supposed to. No relief. I also get this emotional paralysis, like inertia that holds me back or blocks me from the simplest tasks. I'm in hell.
You mentioned emotional paralysis and that you're in hell. You're right, you don't have to tell me what it's like. I learned that giving in to that inertia is absolute worst thing you can do. The time you least feel like doing that simple task is the time you most need to do it. That's demonic goading. They've got you isolated in a corner and trapped inside your head and they are spinning you faster and faster toward the drain.
Those simple tasks are your first steps out of there because doing them will start shifting your focus from yourself to the outside and that's the last thing the Devil wants.
Also, I ask again: have you tried these particular meds I mentioned?
Yeah, I know about not giving in to the inertia. It's just so damn hard and I feel sad I'm missing out on things. It's hard to force yourself to do things that you used to love like going to concerts or buying records when you really don't feel like it. And the anxiety it creates is unbearable.
I tried trazodone and it did nothing for me. I haven't tried Cymbalta, but I was on effexor that made me really angry
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I can't handle anymore!
I can't take the loss and pain anymore.
TW : I can't live anymore. *Note see my previous post
i am so tired of living like this 
