Down the So hole

[Lookingforhope20100]

So my battle with depression is really kicking my ass. I have good meds I just don't take them I know taking them is important. But I just can't I don't know why but it's a mental block that prevents me from taking them I know they will make me feel better but sometimes I feel like it's just a bandaid covering the real problem. So now I'm down the rabbit hole again im back to my old habits I had when my dad died. The thing with my dad is I worked so hard to be perfect so my family would love me but to him I never had to be perfect he just loved me and wanted me around when he died I no longer felt the need to be perfect because I realized that it was never ever going to be good enough so I went crazy I worked so hard to not go back to that and yet here I am back to that place and nothing seems to work or help all I do now it cry and sleep my mental state is crumbling and I feel like I'm fall apart

[Mumma_h]

I know that feeling all too well ! Wish I didn’t but I do . Depression is just absolutely awful !! When I was at my worst I wouldn’t take my meds either, I didn’t think they’d do anything. And they aren’t the be all and and end all but they can really help . I believe that when you have depression it can change the way your brain works, chemical balances , inflammation..... so medication can really help with that , so please don’t deny yourself of it . It does take time but soooo worth it ! Try not to overthink it and just take it each morning, or as prescribed by your dr . It can be really scary to feel depression creeping in again after you’ve been well , I’m terrified, I probably have ptsd from it because my depression was so bad . Please know you’re not the only one going through this and you’ve come to a great place where you can find people that totally get it and know how bad it can affect us . Try to keep in mind that if you got better before you will again. That’s what I try to remember and it gives me hope . You must have hope ! Even if it’s terrible right now just know it won’t always be this way . From one person with depression to another , please believe it will get better 💕

[Lookingforhope20100 in reply to Mumma_h]

Thanks so much your words are really helpful I always feel really alone in what I'm going through because well I don't have friends since I got out of school

[Moonira in reply to Mumma_h]

Very kind, understanding reply. You like I know the terrible suffering depression causes. I also have ptsd, GAD and can at tes have panic attacks. Not that I'm super religious but I am spiritual and am turning to God, my Higher Power...for support and praying that each person in this group will find peace of mind.

[Arymretep]

I’ve had that feeling with meds too, not wanting to take them until I had to after one bad episode, and they have helped me a lot , You say they are good, so why stop them, sometimes we’ve just got to feel the fear and do it anyway.

[hypercat54]

Welcome to the human race! Perfection is impossible and no one ever in the history of the world has achieved it. And if they did they would be far from perfect because that doesn't exist. If I was you I would be asking myself what is behind that need for perfection as it doesn't just come out of thin air, but usually from conditioning (usually unaware) from other people. Learn the lesson from your dad going that he loved you just the way you are and hold it close.

I would take your meds. They are only a bandaid if you don't follow them up with something like therapy. The point of them is to make you feel better and more able to tackle your issues. Maybe you can do it on your own through self awareness and research, but many do need a therapist to help them untangle their thoughts and to point you in the direction of healthy coping strategies.

Why not use this site to explore your need for perfection? That would be a start and would help you. There are a lot of people on here and between us have been through just about mental issue there is and learning from others experiences helps us, but only as long as we are open to it.

[Lookingforhope20100 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you I will take your advice because this isn't living and I want to live my life to the fullest and I can't do that if I always feel bad.

[Midori]

Your medication can't help while it is in the bottle.

It will take a few weeks to kick in and before you will start to feel better, so the sooner you start to take it the better, and the sooner you will start to feel human again.

You are wasting your life at present, get a wiggle on, please!

Cheers,Midori

[Lve2dance]

My mom is awesome and tries to totally accept me.. Knows I am a good person etc.. I'm not perfect.. I'm perfectly imperfect.. I always missed total unconditional love.. What is that like

[designguy in reply to Lve2dance]

Having my dog Walter allowed me to open my heart and experience unconditional love, it's a wonderful experience. I recommend getting a pet and trying it yourself.

[Lve2dance in reply to designguy]

I'm helping my parents out so it's not an option.. I meant unconditional love from a parent.. I never had that.. My friends do.

[designguy in reply to Lve2dance]

I didn't from my parents either that's why the experience with my dog was so healing.

[Lve2dance in reply to designguy]

It's not an option right now

[Spiritanimal]

Hi there, I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel, I felt the same way after my Mom died and it is so hard to learn to live in the world without that person. Even now 4 1/2 years after she passed I go through periods where I just don’t know what to do without her. Just remember that it’s all growth, we go through these really painful experiences and we grow, you have the tools to get through this. After 25 years + of living with major depression I have learned to be accountable with my meds, get physical exercise, eat a decently healthy diet and reach out to others when I need help. Believe me I so wish I didn’t need meds, but I function a lot better with them. Hugs, you will get through this -

[Moonira]

Please please depression is an illness. You have good medication....I urge you to get the relief you need so that you can in turn find the strength to take the necessary steps to heal. Hugs and blessings to you. I know what it is like to go deep into that rabbit hole.💫👏💫🦋

[Lazy_dog_lover]

I am sorry you have been struggling. I am envious that you had your dad, unconditionally, as long as you did.

What I have decided about medications in my lifetime is that they are not an end to self discovery nor a solution to all issues nor a blindfold to that which I still need to work on. For me, they are a bandaid, but a bandaid that helps me from bleeding out and getting infected.

Just this last week, there was a mix up at the pharmacy and I went a week without. I am having some other health issues and I have been handling them for 2 years…until this weekend. I spent 3 days in bed, crying and hyperventilating.

The medications make it so you CAN focus on self-development or meditation or reflection or whatever therapy you choose to do. Otherwise there seems to be a thick shroud that you have to work through. You deserve better. A & D is a chemical change in biology that you might need to use chemistry to get that leg up. I have also been through a dozen combinations, so maybe the one you have is incomplete. Keep going. You owe it to yourself and to honor the memory of your father.

[Mumma_h]

Hi lookingforhope20100, I just wanted to send you hugs today and say hang in there and it WILL be okay! I hope you’ve considered starting to take your meds . As I said it’s not everything but trust me they really can help, I know just how terrible depression is and you deserve any little bit of help you can get !! I won’t go right into now but I was soooo bad that I thought I was losing my mind. Trust me !!! If I can get better anyone can ! And that’s a big bold statement to make , that I don’t take lightly. I am saying big prayers for you, even though we don’t know each other, I really do understand !! I hope you have hope (lots of hopes but not sure how to word it any other way ). For me HOPE was the beginning of my healing , truly . So you dont have to look for hope anymore , now you have !!❤️

[Lookingforhope20100 in reply to Mumma_h]

I thought a lot about my meds today and realized that I should talk them. I looked at my daughter today and thought that I can't be a great mother if I can't get out of bed and the alternative to actual prescribed medication isn't a place I want to go to because then I won't be a mother at all thank you for your support even though you don't know me thanks for making me feel not so alone and for giving lookingforhope, hope

[Midori]

Hi, There are lots of good things waiting out there for you and your daughter. Live for her, even if you don't want to live for yourself. even if you can't educate her in a school way, there is much else to teach a child.

You have much to teach her, places to see with her, games to play, vacations to take, sunsets and sunrises in many lands to see.

We have nearly all felt like this. I have no family left either. All my elder relatives are gone, so I am the Matriarch of my family now, and I have responsibilities. And so I step up; and, it helps.

Cheers, Midori