This is my first post to the group. Today my Dating and Relationship Life Coach dumped me! We had been working together for about 5 months and I thought things were going very well. Then, suddenly last night, he sent me an advertisement for a workshop that he said I "deserve" to attend. Well, I'm an expat, living outside the USA on a limited income. He knows I can't afford to attend such an expensive workshop. And then today he wrote a nasty text saying that he doesn't want to work with me anymore because he says I feel sorry for myself. Just this past weekend we talked about this very thing, and he said, "I truly feel that you have been a real victim in your life and that you didn't deserve what happened to you. I don't think that you're playing a victim."
Well, this Life Coach was my last opportunity to find true love. I've already been through more than forty years of Psychotherapy! I worked so hard in therapy, sometimes going three times a week. I've also tried bodywork, NLP, re-birthing, Radix, and many other forms of healing. I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depression. I also have a potentially deadly condition called Sarcoidosis. Sarcoidosis is an autoimmune related disease that leads to inflammation, usually in the lungs, skin, or lymph nodes. Stress just makes it worse and can trigger a flare-up.
I feel devastated that my Life Coach has dumped me. I trusted him. I felt like we were making great progress. Now I feel that I'm out of options. Please share with me your thoughts.
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Thank you kenster1. I do see a variety of specialists for my various health conditions. Also, many of my health conditions are triggered, or made worse, by stress. I believe finding and having a stable relationship in my life will go a long way to help me in my healing journey. Thanks for writing.
Thank you for your perspective kenster1. While I understand that relationships come with their own set of challenges, I believe there’s a significant difference between healthy stress and the unhealthy stress I’ve experienced in the past. My health issues, including heart problems, sarcoidosis, depression, and anxiety, are exacerbated by the negative stress from dysfunctional relationships. My doctors have emphasized the importance of reducing this bad stress. A stable, loving relationship with a psychologically healthy woman can provide the support and peace of mind I need to improve my overall well-being. It’s not about seeking a stress-free life, but about finding a nurturing environment that fosters healing and growth.
Not being funny but just find it hard to imagine 'a stable, loving relationship with a psychologically healthy woman' is the answer.
Apart from that it seems like you are asking for a mother figure to look after you. I can't imagine any women queuing up for that role. Its a bit unrealistic expecting someone else to take this on for you.
I think you need to be looking within yourself for answers rather than looking to another person to help you supply them.
I think we cannot have control over others’ actions but we can choose how we react. Let yourself feel but try to push through and do what in your soul is good for you. Maybe you can spend time doing something you’d been wanting to do.
Your feelings are valid. I'm sorry that happened to you. I feel like your "Life Coach" was fleecing you along and when he couldn't make extra money by you attending this workshop. He decided you were a lost cause.
But you are not a lost cause and frankly I don't think you need a Life Coach to find love. I think you can do these things. I recommend Dare by Barry McDonagh for the generalized anxiety and depression.
Relationships do take work and it's not all sunshine and rainbows. But learning how to manage your emotions, conflict resolutions and regulate your stress can really help once you get into a relationship.
Wishing you healing and peace 🫂 ❤️
Look after your health and take care. Grieve the loss of this coach. But you will be okay
Thank you so much CL3V3R-G1RL! You words mean a lot to me, and I truly appreciate you writing to me. I will look for the book you mention. All the best!
Well, many thanks Agora1. Great name, btw. I have been watching NLP videos on YouTube, and that is helping me. I've already learned two NLP techniques that I have been using today. I intend to continue repeating the exercises to strengthen their effect. I was working in the past with Pranayama. I should get back to doing my yoga breathing. I am certified with Yoga Mudra and I am trying to use various mudras. As far as therapy, it's so strange, but I really don't remember much from all those years of therapy. I just remember that they seemed helpless to free me from my anxiety and depression. So much of my anxiety and depression was the result of my fear of never finding love, and being abused in relationships. But psychologists so often don't want to give practical advice. Unfortunately, while I've analyzed all the many negative experiences I experienced throughout my infancy, childhood, adolescence, and adulthood, a million times, the psychologists were useless. I even tried going to three hypnotists and bodywork, but that hasn't worked. I think I probably have some kind of problems with my neurotransmitters. I was abused as an infant in the orphanage, and research reveals a lack of Serotonin in people who were abused as newborns! For example, I've suffered from I.B.S. since I was eleven years old, and the latest scientific studies attribute problems with the neurotransmitter Serotonin to those who suffer from I.B.S. It probably causes my anxiety and depression also.
Thank you for your response as well as more details of your background. I totally understand you. Maybe because a lot of the methods you reached out for, I have
as well including self hypnosis (which still works for me) It took me a long journey
of therapy like you (3 times a week at times) I would seem to leave just as bad as
when I came in. I didn't feel I was getting anything out of it either. That is until one
day when I had an "aha moment". Everything I had heard from therapists finally
became clear to me. What I wasn't doing was putting there words into action.
I have trained myself in every possible form of mind retraining. For me, it has brought
control back to my life.
As for understanding your past history, I now see it more clearly with my daughter
who was my foster child before I adopted her. She probably suffers from the same
issues as you. The abandonment of her biological parents cannot be replaced as hard
as I've tried. I believe after reading your response that she too has a serotonin deficiency.
I will close for now but know that there are many people on this forum who can relate
to your struggles. Please continue to use this forum. We're here 24/7. xx
Hi Agora1, I recently went to a gastroenterologist because my IBS was getting worse. He put me on cholestyramine. It's made to lower cholesterol, but they now give it as an "off-label" medication for IBS. So far, so good. I've not had an attack in more than 3 weeks, since I've been taking cholestyramine. I'm not a doctor, but perhaps you could ask your doctor if your daughter might be suffering from a deficiency in Serotonin. I just can't take SSRIs because of the devastating side-effects they cause me. Still, I believe you have strong reason to wonder if you daughter suffers from insufficient Serotonin. There are so many factors involved when a child does not have reliable, loving support from a stable and caring family. Even my adoptive family was ultra-religious, and my parents did not have a very high emotional IQ, imo. It's good to know that this forum is here 24/7. I like to help people, so if anyone wants to talk with me about Sarcoidosis, Serotonin, Anti-depressants, hypnosis, IBS, and adoption, I will do my best to share with you my experiences and to help in any way I can through this forum.
BTW, I learn self-hypnosis from a book when I was about 17 years old. It does work for me. However, frustratingly, it does not work when I'm trying to use it to overcome social anxiety, and whatever else blocks me from going out to meet new people. Still, self-hypnosis works great for asking the boss for a raise, calming my nerves when I'm awaiting medical tests, talking to a judge in court, and so forth.
I'm really sorry about the life coach letting you down!! How disappointing. You always have that hope that the next thing you try is really going to help and you want to be able to trust people.
I also relate to your search for a partner. But I'm not really a romantic person, more on the practical side, so I'm not looking for true love. I just want to find someone I can relate to and share my life with - a life partner and friend. It sounds like you've already done a ton of work so have probably already worked on understanding codependence and healthy boundaries in relationships. If not, that might be worth examining in depth because it seems to be a common problem.
I haven't had much luck with therapy either so have been thinking about other options. I'm considering trying an in person support group for the first time. Maybe a codependents group or something like Adult Children of Alcoholics®& Dysfunctional Families. I've heard that you may need to try a few because dynamics vary. I figure if I don't get anything out of it, at least it's free. I'm also thinking about some sort of group activity that generally tends to attract more mature people.
Hello Fog44! Our lives intersect at many points. When I used to live in the good old USA, I went to numerous 12-Step programs: Codependents Anonymous, Relationships Anonymous, and Adult Children. I made a lot of wonderful friends attending these meetings. And we all felt so comfortable with each other, so we would have non-alcohol Christmas parties that were some of the most wonderful parties I've ever attended, non-alcohol barbecues, and sometimes we would just hang out and go to the beach or something like that.
Living in Mexico, my Spanish is only at an intermediate level, so I really don't understand what people here are saying when I attend a 12-Step program. However, I highly recommend Meetup. There are so many to choose from, that I'm sure you can find one that fits perfectly with your interests and/or hobbies. I ran the longest running meetup in a major U.S. city!
You put it so eloquently when you wrote, "You always have that hope that the next thing you try is really going to help and you want to be able to trust people." Yes, that has been the story of my life. I've tried Creative Visualization and Manifestation techniques, going to 3 professionally certified hypnotherapists, rebirthing, shamanism, Reiki, praying to various deities, and extensive body-work.
I have a good friend who only sees her boyfriend maybe once a month, but that's enough for her. And I respect that. She was horribly abused by her ex-husband, something like 30 years ago, and she's just happy that her boyfriend doesn't want to live with her. Yet, she truly loves him and has set up a trust fund for him (since he has some kind of mental disability and can't hold down a job), so that he's provide for his entire life!
Try to look at this positively if you can.You were sensible and didn't spend more money than you could afford on this person's courses.
Because of this you got to see his true colours before you'd wasted a lot of time and money being taught by someone whom was clearly just running courses to make money and probably wasn't qualified to help you in your goals at all.
No genuine Life Coach would ever treat a client like that.
It was a tactic to send you a nasty email to try and get you to sign over more if your money through fear of losing that assistance.
The fact that you didn't give in and stuck to your boundaries means that over the years of therapy you have learnt some valuable lessons to protect yourself and you are stronger than you think.
Now you are free of a negative influence in your life you can look at the future anew. No life coach can find love for you, love is something that you find for yourself when you know what you want and feel strong enough to look for the right partner.
There will be opportunities for you to find someone to share you life with because there are many people out there whom are also looking for love whom would like a person like you.
Dear Bee, Thanks so much for your lovely message. Your words speak a great deal of truth and are empathetic and wise. This "Life Coach" had been working with me for free for the last 5 months, but I never thought about it until you wrote, that he was some kind of shill for this super-famous woman life coach. She even called me about 2 months ago to try to get me to take one of her "courses". I've never had a call like that before --- she talked non-stop for about 4 minutes, never letting me get one word in edgewise!
And then, just when my Coach, Omar, starts to do some very advanced work with me over the past weekend, suddenly he dumps me. However, I must admit he was very angry at me after he sent me the advertisement for a workshop with this famous woman Life Coach. Suddenly, he said I was playing the victim, that I criticized him too much, and argued too much.
But if he's such a successful life coach as he portrayed himself to be, why doesn't he have any presence on any social media? No website. No videos. I know he studied with two of the best Dating and Relationship coaches in the U.S., but there's no way for me to know if he himself actually had any other students besides myself. Maybe he is just working for the famous woman Life Coach. I have been learning to set up limits and boundaries, you are right about that. But a lot of that strength has come from my own introspection and analysis.
I know what I want in a partner. On the advice of a woman I admire, I created a Word document listing all the qualities I'm looking for in a possible life-time relationship. I'm up to about 200. Now, of course, I don't expect to find a woman with all 200 qualities, but the exercise helped me to hone in on exactly what I need/want from a relationship and what I have to offer the other person. I based a lot of what I wrote directly from my own personal experience. I mean, a lot of the time I just had to write the opposite of what I've experienced; indifference, unfaithfulness, untruthfulness, harsh, unreliable, stormy, and angry.
You wrote one thing that really struck home: "When you feel strong enough to look for the right partner." That's a problem. I struggle greatly with social phobia, in the sense that I just can't seem to get out of the house to attend events, concerts, lectures, museums, cafe's, etc.
I really appreciate your writing and sincere and empathetic response!
It sounds like he's involved in a larger scam to funnel clients to the more well known life coach and probably gains commission or accreditation for them for the amount of clients he brings in.That's why he would be angry , he didn't get what he needed from working with you .
You have had a lucky escape and should probably block that person's email so you don't keep getting messages from them or the person that offered you a workshop in the future.
If you ever choose to work with any type of therapist or start communication with someone online in the future , do a little research first.
If it's a therapist check their reviews , not just their online presence.
See if they are accredited or only use therapists that are recommended by your own doctors or official mental health or medical charities.
Don't ever hand over any of your time or money to anyone , whether it's a professional or someone you meet online whom you might choose to date virtually or become friends with until you can be sure that they are whom they say they are.
Don't get anxious about needing to do these checks or worried that you can't trust anyone.
There are obviously far more genuine people out there than dodgy ones but it helps to know that you are dealing with someone trustworthy by doing some simple checks from the start and saves you a lot of distress in the future.
That’s a big red flag !!! Ur coach should never behave in that way it’s pretty awful but it’s good experience because now you are a wiser person and u won’t be fooled again
I'm sorry that nothing seems to be working for you.
Was this workshop from an outside source not connected with this Life Coach?
I've learned we can't find peace or happiness in the outside world. Having expectations of a relationship making the difference in your life seems a bit unrealistic to me. That's just my opinion based on some studying I've done over many years.
I'm very familiar with Sarcoid. The people I know that have it are monitored closely and treated when something shows up.
Stress can absolutely cause us physical problems. If your biggest stress is looking for a partner maybe you can try and refocus on what you can control now.
Hello Dophin14. Thanks so much for your message! I don't think that there is a professional connection with this woman Life Coach and the Life Coach who dumped me. But he did take at least one of her seminars/workshops, and so maybe he gets a kickback for everyone he recommends to her.
This life coach behaved strangely toward me. He was teaching me on a full scholarship for the past 5 months. He has no social media presence. No videos on any social media platform. And he still lives with his parents at age 36.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. While I respect your view, I find great happiness in the outside world through activities like hiking, camping, and attending music concerts and movies. Playing the piano, composing music, and writing books also bring me joy.
My desire for a relationship stems from a need for emotional connection, likely influenced by my early life experiences. In my humble experience, mutual love and care in a relationship significantly reduce my stress and enhance my happiness. Also, I live as an expat, away from the country I love, the USA, away from my culture, my language, my friends and family. I crave an emotional connection, basically being all alone in a strange country.
I don't think I was feeling as much stress looking for a partner, as I was feeling stress from all the "exercises" this life coach gave me to do every day.
I am a senior citizen, and I don't have a lot of time to wait until Cupid just happens to send me the loving relationship I am looking for. This might be my last chance to find love before I depart this earth. So, I feel the need to be proactive.
I personally think that, in part, I'm suffering from a lack of Serotonin. For example, since age 11, I've suffered by severe IBS-D. And scientists are now saying that there is a direct link between Serotonin and IBS. Also, over 10 years ago, they found a link between infant abuse and a resulting adult lack of sufficient Serotonin in the brain. I've tried taking innumerable SSRI antidepressants, and they had such a deleterious effect on my body, I had to stop taking them.
I'm excited that you know about Saroid. Even while I go to a Cardiologist, Rheumatologist, Neurologist, etc., Sarcoid can be so insidious, you don't even know you have it until it's too late. I basically have to choose one specialist per month because I live on a fixed and very limited income. Thank you very much for writing. It's good to know you.
I think all the things you are keeping busy with are wonderful. My learning is more about expectations in the world and people. It doesn't have to resonate with everyone
Agree on the Sarcoidosis. The people that I know that have it are seen frequently enough and also began to recognize things better when they flared. Money being an issue I understand how you may not be able to keep up with it. Do you mind if I ask is it only present in your lungs at the moment? Curiosity question, not asking for medical reasons.
I hope you find what you are seeking. If that's what you feel is going to make the difference in your happiness I wish you the best of luck
Luckily, whenever I've had a flare-up, a month of Prednisone, sometimes mixed with Methotrexate, clears up my Sarcoidosis symptoms within a month. My first flare-up appeared in the lymph nodes of my chest, but it also invaded my heart, and a lesion in my brain. Since then, I've had episodes that affected the skin of my legs and genitals.
At the moment, I don't have any symptoms, but I fall within the 5% of the population for whom Sarcoidosis could be fatal. This is all the more reason that I feel that I must hurry up in my search for a life partner, because I literally don't know if I will be alive next week, or live another 20 years. I was diagnosed by surgery and biopsy.
No, I agree with you! Expectations are probably the worse thing us humans do to each other. Even in my last relationship, which ended 2 years ago, we spent many days talking about our expectations from each other, and revealing all our most personal secrets.
Still, that didn't work. In this last relationship, we discovered matters that we had not even considered during our talks about expectations. She had a young daughter from another relationship, and I don't think I ever got used to sharing my partner's affections and time, with her child. If I want to be honest, a lot of the time I felt jealous of my step-daughter, because her mother would often spend 3 - 4 hours in the evening and night to help her with her homework.
I've had 3 long term relationships with single-mothers with young daughters. While I always tried my best to be a good, stable influence in these children's lives, it also was a great change in my life. A person gets used to living by themselves, and then suddenly you have to live with two other human beings! Yikes! Yes,
I love a good one-to-one relationship, but I always felt jealous of my step-daughters when I dated single mothers. It was difficult to know when a ton of homework, or a school project, required to be completed by the next day! It was difficult to know how to schedule my time for my interests, since my partner never gave me an estimate as to how much time she would need to spend helping her daughter. And so, since she might walk into my office at literally any time of the evening after how many hours she needed to tutor her daughter with her homework, I really couldn't dive into my interests. If you know what I mean.
Many times I would start writing a song, or reading a book, and then my partner would suddenly appear wanting to do something. I never knew from one night to the next what any given evening would bring. This is a whole other topic. But it's not easy for a man to raise the child of another man, especially when he cannot legally adopt the child.
I'm very lucky that the daughter of my most recent partner, fully considers me 100% her true father, and she loves me deeply. Her biological father abused her physically, emotionally and sexually. She's now 16 years old, and I'm so proud of her. She visits me often, and we have very deep conversations about a whole variety of profound matters, and sometimes just have fun together laughing and going to the movies together, and so forth.
It's good to know what you don't want. It wouldn't be fair to the woman to choose and it wouldn't be fair to the children as they would sense that I think.
I'm glad you have bonded with one child.
Wishing you the best with your medical issue. I do know it can be fatal. Hopefully it will be kept under control and you will find who you are looking for
Thank you casablancalover14. I also love old b&w movies from the 30s and 40s and 50s. I'm trying to do things that make me happy so I can cheer myself up, things like watching great movies!
Yeah, Midori, I always sensed something was a little off. For example, he claims to be a successful Life Coach, but he still lives at home with his parents. About the money thing --- he said that once every year, he picks one patient who is in financial straits, and he give him a full scholarship. I'm disabled and he is disabled. That may be another reason he offered me the scholarship. He needs kidney dialysis on a weekly basis. He also flies frequently from his home in Texas to Arizona for various medical tests that can take a week. He said he had a kidney transplant when he was 12, but it failed when he was 23, and ever since, he's been on dialysis. I'm not a doctor, so I don't know if that's even possible. He still claims that he goes out to clubs and meets women, and says he'll live to 80. Oh, definitely he needs help himself. After 40+ years of therapy, and attending innumerable 12-Step groups, I can tell he needs some serious introspection. But I like stability and consistency in my life, and so I feel thrown off-course by him suddenly dumping me without warning.
Thank goodness you got rid of that jerk before he was able to hurt you some more. He doesn’t deserve you, so wave him goodbye and enjoy your freedom from this loser. The best is yet to come.
Yes, you can do this. I will put you in my prayers. Be at peace and find good people to share your life with. For most of my life l met the wrong people, but joy will come, as it did for me. Tomorrow will be better because nothing stays the same. You can be sure of change so keep going on. God bless.
I have learnt over the years , the only person who can help us is ourselves .
I can understand the label of being called a victim as I have previously been labelled as this .
The life coach who you had entrusted with many hopes and expectations has dropped you like a brick with not a care .
Can this person be deserving of being a life coach?
I once met a life coach who at first was helpful and friendly but in the end said I come across as walking under a grey depressive cloud .
The so called friend called me for advice as I am a legal graduate and I slammed the phone on her twice.
I have faced derogatory and humiliation from many well established professionals and now I realise how uncaring and unprofessional they have been.
Being subject to an abusive childhood from a Father who would systematically beat my Mother had impacted on my confidence and self belief which has lead to bouts of depression and anxiety .
Older and more mature , I have learnt the greatest love is the love we have for ourselves .
Nobody can truly love us unless we take the time and effort to be kind to ourselves.
Dear Roukaya, What a tale! You packed more information into one message than I could in a dozen! Yes, I do indeed understand that "Nobody can truly love us unless we take the time and effort to be kind to ourselves." I am doing my best, but there is a lot of room for improvement. One small example is that I adore music. But I usually only go out to hear live music maybe once a week. In my town, there are plenty of opportunities to hear all different kinds of music for no to little amount of money. I truly think that my subconscious is mistakenly trying to be kind to me by keeping my heart from being broken! I want to go out more to do the things I like to do, but it's my theory that my subconscious is afraid to meet a good woman for fear that she'll leave me, reject me, and leave me all alone - just like those many long years ago when my own mother abandoned me. Of course, my abandonment and time in the orphanage, were all preverbal, so no amount of psychotherapy is going to get down that deep into my unconscious! I have to figure a work-around with this problem. Maybe I should start getting professional massages each week?
I used to think I needed a good woman in my life. When I realized that was unnecessary and unrealistic I found peace with being a bachelor. Believe it or not, being single has benefits that you don't get in a relationship. My advice is to make an attainable goal for yourself and focus on it. Mine personally is escaping the United States and becoming a Japanese citizen, but yours should be something smaller. Find purpose in your life on your own and opportunities will come.
“Some men see things as they are and say why. I dream things that never were and say why not.”
– Bobby Kennedy
The human race, you and I, could not be here were it not for 8,000 couples coming together. Maybe our lives haven't been what we had hoped they would be. But I would rather go out fighting for my dreams, than dismissing them as unnecessary and unrealistic.
And, in the ultimate analysis, you can't know me and hence you can't say that having a loving partner is unrealistic for me. Nor can you say it is unnecessary. I appreciate sincerely your candor and honesty, and I've thought about taking your route. But no, I'm not going to give up now after so much work, so many medications, and so many people telling me that my hopes are more than realistic. I make the choice to choose friends who support me in my quest.
you misunderstand. I said it is an unrealistic and unnecessary goal for me. My advice was to set a goal you can achieve. If that goal is love, then make that your path. I may have given up, but if that's what you truly desire, go for it. I hope things work out for you. Good luck and god bless.
Well, God bless you. I do understand that you were speaking in the first person, but you were after all replying to my post. So, it's hard to separate what you were saying regarding the way you solved this conundrum and the way you think I perhaps should resolve it. you even directly told me to set a goal for myself, but not so big a goal as yours. Perhaps your method can work. As a musician I would like to have a concert just of my own original compositions. That might be attainable. After a more than fifty-year struggle to climb this mountain, I don't think it's even in my subconscious wiring to just let it go! And almost two years ago, I ended a relationship with a single Mom. I took care of both mother and daugher for more than six years. No, she wasn't the right woman for me, but she was stunningly beautiful (a model), usually spoke with excellent manners, extremely sensual, and cared for me 24/7 when I was hospitalized in 2019 with an attack of Sarcoidosis and nearly passed away. And even though we had our fights and problems, I tremendously enjoyed having this apartment filled with life! IMO, a home is not a home if you cannot share the experience with someone. I felt that way on my first overseas voyage to Paris. It was incredibly beautiful, but I longed to have a partner with whom I could participate with in all this art, food, music, and architecture. The desire to share my life with someone seems to be hard-wired into my brain.
I wish you all the best wishes and luck in the world!
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WARNING ⚠️ Mushy Post: I Love You All to LIFE!
Today my husband pushed me for the 100 time.
Life totally took me by surprise today
My life the past 1 1/2 years 
Thought life was supposed to get better with age
