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[ElephantsHear]

I’m not going to message him but I need reinforcements on why I shouldn’t please. Last Feb. my ex fiancé messaged me that he thought of me sometimes and gets to SA (where I live) for work occasionally. Every year my son gets older is another year without him in my life (we haven’t been together in 23 years/ I had someone else’s child- broke him (and me). I want to tell him f- you for never coming back to me and other times I want him back . Do you think I’m just jealous or lonely? He looks so happy- married 21 years/ 5 kids. Ill never get to live the dreams we had together. I feel like someone else has been living my life with him and gets to sleep with him every night. My heart aches for him. I’ll never have what he has in his life or have him back. When will I be able to move on? I can’t manage a “real” relationship with the depression and anxiety I have. It feels like I’ll be alone forever and my looks fade every year (I’m 50). I can’t move on.

[Hidden]

Aww I’m 51 and I’ve been through a lot with men myself. Those are some painful realizations to go through. I never had any children, I couldn’t afford to!!! It’s rough getting older, especially on women. I see how there’s all these fancy wrinkle creams out there that a lot of women really can’t afford to spend a ton of money on and we know they will not transform us into Nicole Kidman!!! Trying to date when you get to 50 is so much different than from when you were in your 20s. And I do not want to be part of any online dating at all. Where does that leave me????

[ElephantsHear in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for responding! Right. I don’t feel 50- where’d the time go? Looks were so important when I was young. If I only knew then what I don’t know now. I’ve been praying for 4 years, but I self sabotage too.

[ElephantsHear in reply to ElephantsHear]

I didn’t say that right lol

[Hidden in reply to ElephantsHear]

It’s ok, we’re cool. Now I am dying my hair to get rid of gray hairs. Ugghh!!! Sometimes I feel like I want to dye it some crazy color like purple or blue like some of these teens are doing, but I would be the insane middle age woman with the bizarre hair color. Can’t believe there’s this silver hair color out now. Guess everyone is dying their hair these days, I’ve even seen more men doing that too.

[ElephantsHear in reply to Hidden]

I understand the hair color because if it comes out wrong…

[Agora1]

Hi EH I read your post and am seeing red flags. You'll never be able to make up for

those 23 years that have passed. His message said that "he thought of you sometimes".

What about the other times during those years. The fact that he brought up occasionally

coming to SA where you live and work, means to me hooking up with you on those occasions.

Be careful what you wish for, be careful in trying to go back in time. I don't want to see you

get hurt once more. I care and maybe see something between his words that you don't. xx

[AuntBee]

ElephantsHear, I think you are mourning/grieving a potential life from years ago. Just like death causes grieving, so does the death of a relationship. Sometimes we can feel the love of memories and think we love that person from so long ago when actually, its the memories that we love. Try to put that “potential life” in the past where it belongs. Its the best way to move forward.

[ElephantsHear in reply to AuntBee]

Your words are so true! Thank you!

[ElephantsHear]

Thank you! It’s hard for me to accept that he’s not my soulmate. He was so good and accepting of me. Night and day childhoods (mine was spent in fear and neglect and he had two parents/ a family). I was teased for being ugly in school and lack confidence. I could destroy the relationship, but I couldn’t deal with the fear of abandonment, not by someone as wonderful as him. What if our kids are ugly, my young mind questioned. We both have wide noses. I didn’t want my kid to go through what I did, but my son looks just like me. His wife is much prettier, 10 years younger, and I bet she wasn’t teased for being ugly. I’m a mess right? Feeling sorry for myself.