Hello everyone, I’m writing this from the bottom of my heart. The love of my life and my partner broke up another time again.
The reason is exactly what happened a year ago. He is not happy. In fact he is not a happy person anymore. We’ve been together for about 6-7 years. But now I truly believe is completely over.
I’ll put you in context. He has been dealing with depression. It seems that started from 2020 during the lockdowns because of COVID. He has always been a social and extrovert man but since he started working from home he has been isolating. When everything reopened they were given the choice either to come back to the office or stay working from home. His team didn’t want to back to the office so he decided to keep doing home office. He works in IT so his job it can be very stressful too.
A year ago we had lots of problems because he started being honest with me about his feelings, he used not to cry at all but since then he cries more often. At that time he blamed me because he felt very restricted being with me.
He blamed me for stop talking to his friends I didn’t like, for ruining the weddings we have attended because of my heavy drinking, for being very explosive and for not trying to socialize with his group of friends. In part, I think he was right about all that. I was very like I described so I started taking therapy on March 2022.
With time I’ve been trying to improve and change some stuff that affected our relationship so we decided to continue with our relationship.
Last summer we went for a trip to Italy and it was amazing. We enjoyed it so much, our sexual life started being passionate again and we were looking at a nice future together. However with time that became different to the point we are still on the same situation like a year ago and it feels this time is definitive.
We’ve been talking the last couple of weeks and he is completely sunk in depression. Even though he started his therapy sessions back in August, it doesn’t seem that has worked at all. On Friday we went for a dinner and some drinks after I finish work then we met some of his friends but I drank too much that I can’t remember if I said or did something bad. At the next day he was a bit angry because he says it’s the same thing all the time I drink. I’ve been trying to control the drinking problem but I’m not sure what happened that day.
He was a bit irritated and didn’t talk to me very much until I asked and he said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and that he wants to be alone.
We talked deeply and it is exactly the same argument like before.
He is very depressed to the point he confessed me he has thought to kill himself. He says he loves me very much but it is not fair on me to be dealing with him, as I have depression too. So we both are depressed, he says I deserve better, I deserve somebody different and that I’m still very young and he is already 41. I’m 28. He says he wants to deal with his depression alone and he doesn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Sometimes he doesn’t want to work, he goes to bed very late and gets up at evening time. We have a defacto partnership proceeding as I’m Mexican and he is Irish and we live in Ireland. So once I get the docs I think I’m gonna leave forever.
That makes me feel so depressed and anxious. We have been living together for more than 2 years and it hurst me he wants to end everything. I know how it feels being so down, I feel the same as him, I wish I could give him some space to think and cure but unfortunately the distance is a huge problem for me. I won’t be able to be in the same country anymore. Right now I can’t give him his space either because I don’t have anybody in this country to move for a little while, somewhere else, so we still are under the same roof and sleep in the same bed.
It has been a month that he doesn’t even touch me, barely kisses me or hugs me and I’m very vulnerable. I know seeing me sad makes him sad and vice versa. I don’t want to give up on our love because with time I’ve realized he is the love of my life and I want to make a family with him. But he is so depressed that can’t see that happening with me or anybody else.
I’m very very sad and depressed that I sometimes think dying is the only solution to end with my sorrow. He thinks I’m gonna be with somebody else soon but I don’t know how to explain him I won’t be able to love the same way I do to him. I have confidence and trust issues.
Sometimes I wish I could be a little girl with my parents and siblings at home. Being protected by my mother. I feel hopeless. I know inevitably I’ll have to leave and go far away from him and I’m scared of that day coming. Now my nightmares are back, I can’t sleep, I wake up with sadness and anxiety, desperation and worry. I don’t have anybody to talk except my sister and mom but the situation is the same like in the past that I think they are already tired of it.
Thank you for reading
Vanessa
Upset
Am I the real problem?
24 hours later. 
echoes from the past 
Boyfriend doesn’t understand anxiety 
