I still love my ex husband. We were married 35 years. He left me for someone else. That was 12 years ago. I was filled with rage and hate for so long. But I now realize I will always love him and want him. He does not love me, and he lives with the other woman. So much more to the story, but I would like to know if I should live out the rest of my life without telling him how I feel. I’m scared to humble myself, but I have never let myself feel closure. I’m so miserable. Sad. No reason to be on this earth. This sounds pathetic, but it is my life. I have a million reasons to be happy, but I can’t feel any of them. My thoughts are consumed with wanting him back. I need a swift kick! Should I keep silent or tell him? Or should I just keep living in my dream world?
To tell or not to tell: I still love my... - Anxiety and Depre...
To tell or not to tell
Eek! Those are some strong and confusing emotions indeed! I only have my opinion, not answer. I personally wouldn’t say a thing to him because as you said, it’s been 12 years. I’ve been reading a little about humans and the fickleness of our long term memories. Before you make a decision that will deeply impact your emotional well being I would suggest you take a step back, take a whole bunch of deep breathes, and do some reading and a whole lot of emotional inventory.
You are totally right. Just wish the distance between head and heart wasn’t so far. 
I’m sorry you feel this way! You can’t help how you feel in your heart and it really sucks. Sometimes we have delusions and fake fantasies. Sometimes it’s boredom. The reality of it could be different. My girlfriend says... thank God for unanswered prayers!! Whew is that the truth for me!!!!! If I did at the time what my feelings were... I’d probably be living in a shack working my ass off. Feelings aren’t facts. I’m sure he knows how you feel. Try to meet a new man or work on yourself to get past this. I know the fantasy of “ an officer and a gentleman “ is fun. But it probably isn’t realistic. ❤️
Your answer makes perfect sense. Today I am concerned with other things and he is not at the top of my thinking chain! I like it that way! Perhaps he’s not as important as I thought he was. One day at I time. I appreciate you taking the time to tell it like it is. Thanks!❤️
My only response to you is "Watch what you wish for" xx
True that!
I am not qualified to give you advice on this subject, but I will give my (unprofessional) opinion. I'm not sure how telling him you still love him is going to improve anything. Do you think he would dump his current SO and get back with you?
No. By leaving, he told me exactly what he thought of me. But he did not marry her. He fathered 3 children with me. At least I have that....
I see from reading the other responses that you have advice both ways. If you DID tell him how you feel, and he does something negative in return, would you be able to handle it? That, to me, would be the biggest factor.
I'm so sorry that's so difficult. I too can only give my opinion and unprofessional advice. What do you want exactly to happen if you tell him? Is it just for closure or do you want something more? You may be disappointed in the end and that could be harder than how you feel now. You should try to do something different in your life like pick up a hobby or try self care. I mean I don't know exactly what you've tried since but focusing your energy into yourself and your future rather than the past may help.
I have focused on many things. I have not been standing still. I work hard at moving on. It’s just that lately it’s much more difficult. I’m not going to say anything to him.
There would be no point. I think at this point in my life I’m thinking more of saying permanent “Goodbyes” than just letting things be as they are.
Good for you!!!👍👏
I say don't tell him anything. He left you for another woman. What type of "closure" are you looking for? I believe you already had closure when he left you and said he didn't love you. You have to SOMEHOW, SOME WAY get on with your life and leave him in the past.
Totally brutally honest. Thank you for that.❤️
I'm sorry but it's the only way I know how to be. I don't believe in sugar coating anything. My answers on here are always concise and to the point.
You are spot on!
Thank you. Glad I didn't offend you
Maybe you haven’t opened up to possibility of someone new. It’s difficult to move on from loss. Dating doesn’t always work out. My take is that sometimes it’s easier to hold on to old stuff cause new stuff not always working. Just a thought. I know cause I do it. I have a guy friend I have a thing for. I know it will never be. But he’s single and when I’m not talking to someone else, I always go backwards to him wishing he liked me more than he does.
No, there will be no one new. Small town and losing my sight to drive anywhere. Some days it’s just harder to cope. I guess this was a very hard day. Thanks for the reply!❤️
Honestly I know the feeling of losing the man I once loved to another woman. Its hard so hard when you are left feeling why?? I know I'm the better person but why did this happen? Its been 4.5 years for me and I'm still not over it. I want to be but its still there. Someone said to me that our minds like to think of all the good times we spent together but also remind yourself of the bad. Honestly I leave it to my higher power and I accept I probably will never get closure. Truthfully for me the amount of days with him that I would sit home and cry blame myself for his actions it truly was living in hell. I do not want to go back to that. I hope this helps you. Also have you tried journaling about it. Writing letters to get your feelings out and then never giving them to him.
I totally hear you. I need to remind myself of the “bad” time. It’s too easy to remember the good times! No, I don’t want to go back there. To be truthful, after the kids grew up and left home there was just not much we had in common anymore. What I really would like, is to be 23 again, lol! There is more life to come. We just have to live it! I hope my story doesn’t give you more despair about your own loss. We just have to go through the motions and some days are really great. There will always be set-backs, but we’ll persevere! Good luck. Your response struck me where it needed to!❤️
Honestly sweetheart I say tell him. What have you got to lose and besides if you tell him how you feel you won't be doing that for him you'll be doing it for you and to give yourself closure like you said. Even if he straight up laughs at you. At least you know and you can stop wondering what if.
Thanks. I really think he knows. Today I’m thinking I just want him to wallow in the guilt I know he feels. When I wrote my post, I was wallowing in self pity. Today is a new day,
No you shouldn’t tell him, he deserves nothing from you. Go on with your life, be thankful for what you do have. You can love again, and it most likely be better the second time around.❤️
Maybe meeting someone else would help get over him.
I've read a saying somewhere which I apologize in advance for writing. It says " If you need get over someone, you need to get under someone else" It made me laugh at the time but maybe there's some truth in it. X
Like the sound of that! Not too practical for me, though, for some certain medical reasons. Damn! What a thought! Thanks! Today is a better day!
I didn’t read anything about COUNSELING? Which you sound like you’re in Desperate Need of? When he left you 12 years ago, I’m sure he knew you love him then. If went back to tell him that? You will Guarantee to be Rejected again. My husband left me for someone about 20 years ago. I did Not give him 1 Tear. I gave myself sometime to make sure my kids were ok, then started dating. My ex mother in-law died drinking herself to death wanting her Ex-husband back. He left her for someone else. They were married for 40 years. Sorry for the pain you’re going through, Please STOP wasting anymore time on this. If he felt anything for You? He would have came Back. FYI my Ex has been miserable with the other women and tried to come Back. No No and No. You deserve Better Go Get It🙏
Yes! Thanks! And yes I have done counseling. I live in a remote area and have to take what is available. I was basically told I should move away and start over. I found that impossible to do for numerous reasons. So glad I didn’t take that advise because I’ve lost most of my vision and my family is here. That’s why I found this site. I have enjoyed the thought provoking input. Thanks for sharing yours! Today is a better day!❤️
I understand everyone’s situation is different. Reading your story took me back to what happened to Me. This was about 20 years ago. One of my daughters still has unhappy feeling about it. Him and a neighbor made up stories about me that weren’t True to get a eviction notice. The police said he wasn’t going to do it, he knew it was made up. He still is a man with A BLACK HEART, he tells our grandson he’ll pick him up then doesn’t show up. I know this hurts her , I tell her what a famous therapist says “Bad parent Bad grandfather “. She’s desperate for her son to have a relationship with his grandfather. It’s just Not into it. He’s a narcissistic person. I know he’s miserable now, God will handle it. Go with your Heart, Glad today was a good Day, this will One day be behind you, then you’ll say “What was I thinking? Take care 🙏
Each and every one of us respond different to lost. And we are allowed to love someone for ever, it's ok, but loving and needing are two different things. It is hard after all those years, but it is what it is. We all change all the time and he didn't fall for you anymore. 12 years dreaming for someone is a long time hun (a 3rd of the time you were together lolz), you need to move on. Maybe focusing on your ex got you missing some great people around you...
It’s strange. For so long I felt only hurt and hate for him. Now I have begun to be able to see him without all that anger. And he’s the same damn person I fell in love with! Maybe the next step should be friendship, and that’s a much more comfortable emotion.
Dear Seeincolors,
I went through the same situation: my husband left me without any explanation (I put two and two together later when he remarried very quickly afterwards) and, like you, pined and hurt and cried for 12 years. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I couldn't date anyone else and I couldn't enjoy life like before. It hurts a lot when someone leaves you, doesn't it? And, with no closure, it's like a record player in your head...and your heart: you go over it again and again in your mind. It's hard being the one who's left behind, but sometimes, there's no closure. I heard someone say once that closure is overrated, and that the closure is really the day they left you. That is all you need to know about him. I'm okay now, but it took time. I would recommend against telling him anything because, if there's any rejection, it might take you backwards several steps and make the healing process that much longer. Also, ask yourself if he's really a good mate, someone you should be with and build a life with (again). Another possibility is that he will say that he still loves you, too, then he will leave you again. If that happens, it could potentially be devastating. Something tells me that he has the potential to toy with you. Maybe I'm wrong, but my ex did this. He called me out of the blue (after his next wife left him) and made me think that we were going to be together again, but he toyed with me and left me again. I had to process the hurt and anger all over again. No one is worth all of this pain, especially if it causes years of crippling pain. I would never wish this on anyone. I hope that I have been some help by sharing my story. If my story has a lesson, it's this: If someone shows you who they are, believe them. I may be wrong, but your ex may not be worth any risk of more pain. Protect your heart and move forward.
Big hugs!
I think you are my new best friend, lol. Seriously, I’m so glad I reached out on this site, because I have really benefited from reading all the replies. In our relationship, he was the “fun” one and all of my friends found it too difficult to continue relationships with me. This Covid-19 isolation is nothing new to me. I isolated myself a long time ago. I live in a very small town and my ex literally built most of it. I was a stay at home soccer mom and when the kids grew up and left we had nothing much left in common. In a community this size, everyone knows everything and I just can’t stand meddling questions when they already know all the answers. In a perfect world, I would have moved away and started over. But my entire family - kids and grandkids, aging parents (now deceased), and sisters, my entire support group lived within 30 minutes of me. It was just not feasible to leave. And now my eyesight is leaving and I can’t drive. I drove my parents to their appointments for years. My eyes got bad much younger than theirs did. I’m lucky I have my family to take me but I rely on them as little as possible, because I know what an inconvenience it is.
I tried many ways to bring joy back in my life. Hobbies, traveling when I could, even bought a vacation home in the mountains. Recently I sold that because it was too hard to get there and too dangerous to live there alone. But I took some of that money and built a big waterfall and koi pond, so now I have part of the mountains in my backyard! I’m a very fortunate person to have a loving family and means to satisfy all my needs. The saying “Money can’t buy happiness” is sure true. Loneliness always creeps in.
Anyway, thanks for your reply. Today is a new day. Have a great one!
I am not familiar with your situation and can not put myself in your shoes. May God helps you! I can just give advice to you. Don't be so attached to anyone in your life. Maybe it hurts you like hell but you have to accept your situation. When something or someone hurts me, I pray to God to heal me. I think you have done everything to him before. I hope you will be fine without him.
Purely on my own experience I would not tell him !reason being I had a relationship with someone which ended not in a good way I did not love him it has been 7 years and he still expresses his love for me just recently he expressed this in not a good way.i do not love him I have a child with him but I want him to move on and I find him telling me these things a little wierd(not that your wierd)but I’ve moved on I’m engaged and have another child I do not want anything to do with an ex and want to leave that in the past even if you express everything you may not achieve anything.you have said I have his children 😊in like a smug way I don’t mean that nasty but it looked like your implying some kind of power over his current partner which as an onlooker Dosent look nice your kids will grow up and make their own choices.this is how my ex comes across and I hate it he constantly tells me and everyone around how I’m his child’s mum but I have nothing to do with him and he Dosent see his child your situation may be different but even if you have his children that is all you have it will never be him that you have.please I hope you don’t find this offensive it’s just based on my personal experience
Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it.
Hi Seeincolor!
I know your heart is broken, however, you need to push yourself to go on with your life without him. Even if you tell him how you feel, and he doesn't give you the answer you want to hear, will only set you back. Besides, you would never be able to trust him again! I have been heartbroken several times in my lifetime, and I always told them it were their loss!
I would not let a man knows that he could get into my head like that! I am not 62, and fit, and every guy that broken my heart be begging for another chance when they see me out in public or Facebook. They are now overweight, bad teeth, knee problems, high blood pressure, diabetic, penis played out, broke and not well groomed! I remember the time when all the ladies wanted to be with them--Now since they all broken down they want me back! I told them that I didn't want a played out whore ass bitch! Not going to be their caregiver! Now, I thank God for Unanswered Prayers, because my dumbass was praying to have a life with them!
I love your brutal honesty! You are right. It is his loss and I’ll leave it that way.❤️
Do a total makeover, it will make you feel so much better about yourself!
Get rid of the old you and reinvent yourself! New you! New wardrobe! New hairstyle!
I completely understand where you are coming from, and the fact that you still love your ex. I was married for nearly 26 years when my husband left me for another woman. I didn't see it coming and considered us as being happily married. In fact we were in the process of following our dreams and moving to a new area. I had found a job there and was staying there during the week and coming home at weekends. Our house was on the market and he was overseeing the sale and was then coming to join me. I found out accidentally via a text. I thought the message was one of the kids. You can imagine the shock to open it and read a load of lovey dovey stuff from some other woman.
Everyone said to me, just forget him and move on with your life. However, he was my life. I had been married to him for longer than I had been alive when we first met. How can you erase 29 years of your life. We did everything together, we had the same interests and even liked the same foods as each other. We were like real soul mates. I don't understand how you are expected to just wipe away a love that you have had for that long and had felt so deeply. There is not an off switch. You cannot just turn it off like a table lamp. You have lived with and loved that person for so long, that you no longer know any different. You cannot just forget him and move on with your life when he is your life. I fought tooth and nail to save that marriage because it was where I wanted to be and it was who I was. It never worked out and I lost, we got divorced and I moved into a little house on my own. Did I stop loving him? No I didn't. He was my world, he was the father of my kids, he was the person I could tell everything to, he was my rock. That was in 2003, and yes I do still love him. When I see him at the inevitable family get together, weddings, funerals, christenings etc. I still get butterflies, I still get that surge of love rush through me. We are both remarried now, but I have never felt the same as I did when I was with my ex. I have never felt that same overwhelming love. If I'm brutally honest, this time I feel I that I am just making do. I love this one, but I am not in love with him. I don't think I will ever love somebody as much as I did my ex. The only exception to that is obviously my kids who I adore, and parental love is a whole different thing.
So sweetheart, don't beat yourself up over this. If you want to tell him, do it, but only if you are strong enough to deal with the fallout.
I SO feel for you. Your reply could have been written by me. Except I didn’t find out about the other woman until after the divorce. I was so stupid and blind! I thought he was going through a mid life crisis and he would come to his senses. I didn’t even hire a lawyer. We used the same lawyer, per his request, because another one would have just cost more money! I was handed divorce papers on a Friday, and on Monday my daughter drove me to the courthouse and I left that room divorced. It was all over. I was so distraught I had no idea what was going on. The judge was a good friend of his and he had the whole thing set up. I didn’t even know what I was signing when I signed the agreement to the settlement. I was so despondent I really couldn’t even think. Later, when I found out about “her” I did hire my own lawyer and tried to reopen the case, but to no avail. Everything I signed was so binding that I just gave up. For the kids’ sake, I decided not to get into an ugly court battle. I just didn’t care any more. My life was over.
How can I still love that SOB? I must think so little of myself. But that is where it stands. Nothing changed for him, except for the fact that he got rid of me. He has the same friends, does the same things, he even built her a huge beautiful home on the spot where “we” were going to build someday.
Enough if this pity party. My life goes on. I have a lot to be thankful for. But I will never let a man into my life again. I’m lonely, but I have my wonderful kids and grandkids. I’m glad they still have a relationship with their dad and grandpa. He is an amazing person. Just not MY person any more. I’m not going to tell him my feelings. He knows.
Thanks for letting me vent! Take care and be happy and healthy!
Thank you for your reply. It appears that we both thought our ex's were having a mid-life crisis, and would come to their senses too. If only!! I don't know what I would do if my ex were to suddenly say that he'd made a massive mistake and he should never have left. I think I might just pack up my stuff and go back to him. My feelings are still that strong.
I am not happy in my current marriage. I have said to him that I don't think he loves me anymore, if in fact he ever did. He says that he loves me a lot, even if I don't believe it. If that were the case, why does he treat me like dirt. I can't have a conversation with him without him starting shouting. It doesn't matter how innocuous the conversation is. The other day I just asked what bubble bath he had bought, I was going to say that it was nice. Before my words were even out he had jumped down my throat. I was accusing him of buying crappy bubble bath, and he wasn't going to bother any more. Nothing he does is ever good enough and he's fed up with it. He had completely twisted my words, without even waiting for me to finish my sentence. He does this all the time over virtually everything. I feel like I'm living on a knife edge and am half afraid to start a conversation. He has never been violent, but he is verbally abusive, and some of the things he twists is basically mental cruelty. He also questions everything I spend. I hate it really, I wish he would leave me alone, as I don't need more anxiety, and I'm depressed enough for everyone.
I really hope you find some peace and happiness, you deserve it.
It sounds like to me you really don’t need him in your life! Buts that’s easy for me to say. You should not waste the time you have left being miserable. Do the good times outweigh the bad? Even if you don’t get back with your ex, would it be that horrible to try going it alone for a while? Just sayin’.....
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