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I am a shitty person

RainbowKitty03 profile image

So I went to Houston this weekend to visit my girlfriends family (keep in mind they don’t know we are together) it was a surprise for her grandmas 70th birthday. Her grandpa has been battling cancer for 10 years while we were there he went to the hospital for unknown reasons. We ended up having to leave right after they got his scans back. They found that his cancer spread to his brain and yesterday we got news that he is going to hospice my girlfriend is devastated.

She just told me she wants to move to be with him during his last days. Now I understand the importance of her family and the seriousness of his illness. But when she told me the only thing I have been able to focus on is that I’m going to lose her. I keep focusing on that she is moving and my anxiety is shot through the roof.. this is my girlfriend of three years and I don’t want to lose her

Keep in mind we live together share a care her and her family is my family I don’t have anyone else to rely on

I can’t move with her because there is no where for me to stay over there. I don’t have any money saved to buy my own car let alone move over there so I feel like my whole world is crashing

I feel like a shitty person because I should focus on the fact that she is losing someone close to her but I can only focus on the fact that I’m losing the love of my life the one I rely on for a lot

I guess I’m just lookin for advice. Bc I am at a loss I don’t know what to do or how to act I keep crying and I don’t want to make myself sick I feel like dying or hurting myself so I don’t have to feel this pain.

20 Replies

I’ve been through something similar, I so feel your pain. I know this is hard. I just lost my boyfriend due to moving as well. I’m the one that moved. Had to move for my mental health back to my hometown after being in New York for about 2 years with him. Very painful. If you ever need someone just reach out!

How do you do it? How do you be okay with the fact that you are leaving someone , someone that you love and loved your life with for x amount of time how do you just pick up and go ? I’m not trying to be rude I just need to understand

I don’t understand how people can continue to live their life after losing someone they loved after spending so much time of your life w one person sharing all of those memories for all of it just to end I guess I never I feel this way bc I never had a first love and this is mine and I’m losing her and I just don’t know how to cope

Well, it was not an easy decision for me. I stayed with him even when I moved, we didn’t break up until only recently when he couldn’t handle the distance anymore. His dad died of terminal liver cancer and I was there for that. Saw him die. He was on hospice too. So I understand what your girl is going through. But I also understand what you’re going through, too. I was with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. It IS hard to pick up and go. It was the hardest decision I’d ever made, I really felt like he was the love of my life. He was my world. For all of it just to end really fucking sucked, so I totally get it.

How long was his dad on hospice if you don’t mind my asking ?

I am so sorry that you guys lost him

My girlfriend has been there w me for three years through everything I lost three members of my family and she was there for me through all of them

She is my safe place bc she has been the only one that has truly been there for me in my life like emotionally and physically she has been my rock she has been the person to make me feel better to build me up and tell me that I am worth something she has shown me unconditional love and attention and I have never had that from anyone I don’t want to go back to being alone and working constantly and not having a purpose in life she motives me to want to do more to want to be more

I guess I just still can’t wrap my head around how life is and how unfair it is and how people can just pick up and continue on w their life

His dad was probably on hospice for a week or two. I can’t really remember, it was in 2017. But yeah. It sucked. And of course! Those feelings are valid, remember that. I totally understand. Me and my boyfriend were convinced we were gonna get married. We were each other’s safe place and rock. I know it’s hard to wrap your head around how unfair life can be. It sucks ass.

So hospice doesn’t last that long? I’m sorry I’m just not family with how it works.

I just don’t understand life and I guess I like to know why things happen.

I thought she was the one

I never been through the things I been w her w anyone else I never felt so strongly about anyone like I have a her.

Also, you are NOT a shitty person for feeling the way that you do!!! It’s perfectly normal and natural to feel like you’re losing everything when you’re losing someone important in your life. Especially due to something like this. I know you may think you’re being selfish, but remember that in of itself means that you’re being selfless. You’re thinking of her and her best interest—that IS selfless. You’re second guessing how much you’re hurting, because you’re SELFLESS. Remember, you are a good person with a good heart.

I called my mom crying and she literally said I was being a spoiled brat and I should think of how my girlfriend is feeling and stop being so selfish

I guess it got to me bc I was like why am I crying when it should be her who’s crying then I keep thinking like no it’s not just her life who is changing it’s mine to mine is about to change completely

I wish I could go w her but I am not financially stable to go and there’s no where for me to stay

I just feel horrible bc why can’t I just focus on her and her needs why do I have to make it about me why am I driving myself into anxiety attacks over this when I should be thinking of ways to be there for her

Well, you’re not a spoiled brat. You’re just overwhelmed with all the problem solving you’re going to have to do bc your life is changing so much without her being around.

Thank you for that.

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From my understanding "hospice" means death. Does she just want to move there period and not come back, even after his passing. Hospice usually is 2 weeks long. Basically the person is on deaths door. If she is going for put, then it does look like your relationship is over. Especially if she isn't encouraging you to move with her or saying it's just a short term separation and you will do the long distance thing. You are not a terrible person. This is your life too. Your gf might just be all caught up in the emotional side of it. We live in a era these days, would be great if you two could just be out. Timing might not good with the announcement right now. Grandparents are the focus right now. Sad, difficult time right now. Sending you positive vibes.

RainbowKitty03 profile image
RainbowKitty03 in reply to Hidden

We haven’t talked about it she doesn’t want to talk about it

But I need to if I don’t I get really bad anxiety I conjure up things in my head and focus on negatives

Do you believe in long distance relationships ?

She isn’t encouraging me to go bc there is no where for me to go her family doesn’t know she is gay and they barley have room for her much less another person w her

Yeah I would love to tell her family and it would be so much less stress just to be like hey this is my girlfriend and I don’t have to keep distance around her family but that a dream for me

Thank you for your advice and positive vibes

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Hidden in reply to RainbowKitty03

Yes long distant relationship works as long as there is a plan of reuniting permanently. You are feeling normal, your life is going to change, that is huge. I guess all you can do is just wait and see. Your partner is probably lost in her heartache for her families hurt right now. She probably can't see anything right now. You are going to have to be strong, which that is a big deal in relationships. Sometimes when partner is going through something, the other person in the relationship, should be holding down the fort. If, once it's all said and done, you are standing there all by yourself and partner is gone for good. You will have to go through the process of starting over. It's a difficult situation. All you can do for now is, be strong, stand strong for her.

I'm so sorry, this sounds like a stressful situation for both of you now :( I have lost both my mother & grandmother to cancer so I understand the pain your girlfriend & her family will be going through. From my experience once hospice gets involved (to say this as delicately as I possibly can) the process can sometimes move very quickly. My mom over a 10 year span batteled & suffered through 2 different types of cancer & spent her very last week in the hospice hospital. My grandmother was was strong enough & able to stay at home with hospice visiting daily for almost a month. Hospice was there to ease the physical pain & provide comfort. Is there a possibility that your girlfriend may come back to live with you after she has spent some quality time grieving with her family ? Try to be strong & be there for her as much as you can, it sounds like they are a close family so she will need your support. Sometimes after loosing a loved one it can actually bring a couple closer together because it's such an emotional time. I wish you luck & hang in there 💕

Just wanted to say you don't know that she's leaving you. Has she said you're breaking up? Right now her focus is on losing her grandpa and wants to be with him so that is what she is focusing on at the moment. Did she say she'l be back once he passes? You have the right to ask her that? She's probably very fragile at the moment so you'll need to do it in a very gentle way. Do you have a phone where you can call her every day? She will need loads of support and if you're on this site I'm presuming you know what it's like to feel really down so you can completely sympathise with her and could be her biggest support outside of her family who will be grieving terribly too. You might be the one person she really needs because you can be strong when family isn't able to be,and her family would greatly appreciate knowing she has someone to turn to . You could be her biggest support. If you do feel after a while she is pushing you away then you have every right to ask her what's happening with your relationship. You are far from a shitty person!!!!! You just love her very very much. It's ok to worry about losing her , you have feelings too!!!! But if she has no intentions of breaking up with you she might feel pushed away herself or unsupported, even though this is your last intention, you obviously love her. Just wanted to say this as it would be so sad for the relationship to break down over misunderstandings of feelings. If her grandfather is in hospice then it sounds like he may not have too long ; could going to meet her at the hospital for a day (and then stay one night,keep in mind it could be her family that doesn't want you there because of not enough room, low but could be true)to stand by her side and support her and get to know her beloved grandfather before he passes? For her,To show her how much you care. You may just be her rock .No harm in trying, you are important too and worth giving your relationship a chance . So sorry if I'm totally wrong here! I've been through terrible heartbreak ( hubby left me) and would hate to see someone else go through heart break unnecessarily. So sorry if I'm giving you false hope , it's just that she hasn't actually broken it off . ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I have some advice, but I don't think you will like it. Something you wrote made me very sad, first that her family doesn't know that you are together, then in the next line you say her family is your family. I'm sorry, but their not your family. When your partner went home, it seems clear what comes first, family, not you. If you were a part of the family, you'd be with your partner now. I think for the sake of your own well being and mental health, you have move on, and you have to learn the only person to depend on, is yourself. I know that is a hard lesson to learn, but I learned it same way, by being treated like I wasn't even there, like I never existed. In the long run, you will be glad you ended it. At the moment though, it will really suck. I wish you the best of luck.

You obviously value the relationship. That being said you need to support her or you risk harming it.

Thank you I need to hear that bc I do love her and I need to remember that what she is going through

I would think about getting a job first if i were you. I wouldn't think about anything else about moving until you have a job line up. my first priority is getting a job. I already got a telemarketing job and then find an apartment. I would call and schedule a visit to see how the apartments are. if places are close nearby so that if you need to get somewhere it would be easy to get to. Also, ask about how long the lease is and what type of deposit you are looking at. Plan first and then get to moving! Especially get a job and have something on the side you can work towards.

You said that her family is also your family. So you also are grieving about her grandpa. Explain to her that depression and anxiety sometimes make us sound insensitive when we don't mean to be. Tell her this news upset you too and started a chain reaction of worrying. The hardest thing for people closest to me is not understanding and when I am in the midst of something I worry about everything. Explaining this to her may help. Let her know she can call or text you while she is gone. I know it's hard but if you can be there for her and she understands you better I think this might make your relationship stronger. Good Luck. Sending prayers for her grandpa and the entire family.

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