This is why I never had children, and I sadly guess I never will.

Back when I was 16, I made a couple of half hearted attempts at running away from home, because I couldn't stand my dad and I've always had issues with him. My parents weren't sure what to do, they decided to stick me in a mental ward for adolescents where a creepy psychiatrist decided that I had bipolar disorder without even talking to me personally at all. I've had a hellish life. No one gives a damn about you when you get this diagnosis and people run away from you because they think your crazy. Because so much has happened to me and I don't think my parents were great role models in some ways and I never wanted to be like my mom or my dad, I always thought I was this very damaged person and I've been forced to take psychiatric drugs so when I was younger even though I was in at least a couple good relationships with men, when it came down to seriously thinking about having children, I really balked at that. I never wanted to go through the experience of having a baby. My mom had serious post partum depression when she had me, and when my sister had a baby she went through that too. Even in my 20s I would say I never want to have a baby, but I would love to adopt a couple of kids and give some kids who have had a hard life a good home. I also didn't want to have children until I was at least in my 30s because I would really want to be a decent mom and have some maturity. Well I've turned 50 this year, and I'm feeling my age. Most men want a woman younger than them that they can impregnate. And by my age a lot of people are thankful their kids are older and out of the house and their done with child raising. My life never seems to get any better, I never have much money, I don't hold on to jobs for longer than a few years, I have no stability. And I'm at a point where I'd really like to do that, but I'm single. I was married to a good man, but in some ways I was so unhappy with him and it just wasn't working out. I really do want children now, but I also need to get a career going and I just feel like I never get anywhere, I go in circles. I'd want to be married to someone else on board with this idea, and I don't think I'll ever find him. Raising kids takes money. I went to college but never graduated. I could use some kind of career counseling but it just feels like I should resign myself to never getting anywhere. Is all I'm ever going to be is bipolar????? I am so much more than a stupid diagnosis!!!!! But that seems to be something other people just can't get past or don't care to. I really want to be some kind of writer and I'm considering trying to start a blog or a YouTube channel, but I want to be more universal than talking about bipolar disorder. I think so many people have problems with anxiety and depression but we are taught to be tough and not look weak to other people so we don't let people know that inside we are suffering until it gets to a crisis point. I'm starting to go through menopause now and I feel this silent grief about never having children that some women won't understand. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still alive. Where do I go from here? My future doesn't look good.

[Hidden]

Is there anything you have been interested in like universe or nature or something you could make documentary or cooking or knitting or music or poems or short stories you could make your YouTube channel on

[Kainan]

I feel the exact same way. I always say to my mom that I probably won't have kids a lot due to my past and the things I've been through. I think it'll be better to adopt, already too many kids in the world that could be supported. I'm so sorry you've felt that way too, as I have for many years. That's why I always try to hide my emotions until they burst. And doing so has brought me so much pain and frustration over the years to the brink of suicide. It's true no one wants to be around a downer or identified with a psychiatric disorder; they tend to look at you differently and would want to stay away from you. NO ONE should be labeled as their diagnoses; we are so much more than that. I do think mental health is getting more awareness and treatment becoming more of a priority, especially with the turbulent year we've all had, but it's still got a long ways to go. I'm totally with you, and you have my support 👍

[Hidden in reply to Kainan]

That is so kind of you to say that. I really appreciate hearing this from a guy, because some men out there wouldn't understand no matter how old they are!!!! I am really glad some celebrities out there, even though I'm sure in some ways they'd like to keep their private life private, are bringing out more of an understanding of these issues. People like Britney Spears, Demi Lovato, and Mariah Carey are only human too and through their struggles I think it's fair to say that if a person goes through enough hardship and shame and bullying, well is it any wonder they may be having some mental health issues??? Apparently Mariah Carey went through a breakdown when she decided to divorce her powerful husband who helped launch her career- all this time she had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and she never revealed it until now because she was scared that would end her career!!!! I just bought her memoir she wrote about her life, I know that's going to be a very interesting book. I'm definitely not a psychologist but I happen to think stuff like bipolar disorder manifests itself a bit differently in guys, just because boys are taught boys don't cry and man up and all that so I think sometimes they tend to get more on the angry side or turn to alcohol when really they are very hurt but it's somewhat harder for them to express that. And you will never catch me saying mean things about Britney Spears. She's well aware of how slimy some of these paparazzi guys are, I don't blame her for losing it and pitching a fit. She's older now and wiser and why not let her control her money??? About 6 years ago my dad thought I should have a legal guardian. BIG mistake!!!!!! I had one for about 6 months and then I got that terminated. My mom told me my parents will never put me through that again. But do I really trust what my parents say? Not really, why should I? I've been through enough!!! Thank you for the support!!!🙂

[Delite]

I am 66 years old. I've had PTSD for 47 years. Men dont want to put up with my PTSD symptoms so I was not able to get married. I have anxiety and feel stressed out a lot so I never had kids, but always wanted to. I still have hope that one day I will be able to adopt children. That's what keeps me going.

[Hidden in reply to Delite]

I think that's great!!!! There's a movie that came out about 2 years ago that shows how it's like to adopt some of these kids in the foster care system. It shows how it's an adjustment for both the kids and the couple who's interested in adopting them. I believe it's called Immediate Family, that might not be the exact title, let me look that up. But I thought that was a great movie, very well done.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

No sorry, the title of the movie is Instant Family, however another movie called Immediate Family is pretty good too.

[Delite in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your kind words! That movie is available for rental on my tv so I will watch it. I am licensed to take in foster children and have them now and then for short periods of time. They are wonderful kids, but I am alone and can't handle it for too long due to my anxiety. I am looking into ketamine treatments to try to feel normal.

[Hidden in reply to Delite]

I don't know quite what to think of these ketamine treatments that are the latest thing. Isn't that a very powerful drug??? And I'm not sure if anyone's insurance covers that at all.

[Delite in reply to Hidden]

The ketamine doctor near me is starting to accept insurance. I had an extreme trauma at the age of 18. I've tried everything I can think of to heal and nothing has worked. This is a last resort.

[Hidden in reply to Delite]

I hope it helps. I really do wish you the best.💖

[Dragon3695]

I'm 40 years old and have wanted kids all my life. I helped raise 5 of my nieces and nephews as well as all 3 of my siblings. I have babysat for friends and I now help my best friend parent her son since I'm here with her but I've never had a kid of my own and sometimes it just kills me. So I understand what it's like to want kids. I also understand your remarks about men because I'm a guy and I'll admit most guys are total dickbags. I think you had the right idea waiting you just never had that timing down. I wholeheartedly believe you should look into adopting at least 1 kid though because as much compassion and caring as you show on here you would make a great mom. That is just.my 2 cents though 😊

[Delite in reply to Dragon3695]

Love your 2 cents. Your encouragement is appreciated. Sounds like you are close to a lot of kids and that's wonderful. You are still young and have time to have your own, or you can consider adoption.

[Dragon3695 in reply to Delite]

I know but I need to get myself healthy first. After that hopefully my best friend and I try to have a relationship and a kid comes from it. If not then something will come along. One thing I'm starting to realize is no matter how in love with her I am if nothing ever happens I'll be sad for awhile but I'll live. It is more important to have her in my life as a friend at least then not at all which could happen if I didn't let my feelings to if I have to.

[Delite in reply to Dragon3695]

Keep your positive outlook, good things will happen. I'm also working on getting myself healthy before I adopt.