My name is Rose and this is my story

[rose_2105]

I've never been diagnosed by a doctor or to be honest I have never tried getting help until now. As I'm getting older I can see how past traumatic events have shaped my life. I was molested by a family member when I was a kid. I was around 5-6 years old and it baffles me how at such young age i can remember what happened to me. I'm 27 years old and I had never told anyone about what happened to me until recently I opened up to my sister. Opening up to my sister about my experience was very hard and hurtful. I think mostly because the words "I was molested" had never came out of my mouth. I remember i was playing outside and was called to an apartment upstairs by my dad's cousin. Once i got upstairs this guys grabs me ans starts kissing me and touching my privates. while this is going on i hear my mother screaming my name. I told my dads cousin to let me go and he wouldn't at first until my moms kept screaming for me. I remember trying my hardest to push his face from me and he let me go. I ran downstairs and my mom was extremely upset at me. she put me in the bathroom with a belt on hand and demanded to know what i was doing. I was scared shitless. I had just been molested and my mom came at like if i had done something wrong. i was too scared to say anything. I kept telling my mom "i wasn't doing anything mom". She didn't beat me but she scared me so much that I was afraid to tell her what happened. So I lived with it for years. I think about that event often trying to paint different scenarios. I feel like deep down my mom knew something happened to me but she was to much of a coward to confront my dad's family. I guess in a way i'm glad that she looked for me because i don't even want to imagine how far this guy would've gone if my mom hadn't been looking for me. Till this day I have never told my mom what happened to me. i have thought about it but chicken out because i don't want to cause her pain. i just don't see any good outcome from telling her. I feel like this is the root to my personal issues. This happened more than 20 years ago and I still think about it here and there. I just wish it had never happened. I want to feel normal. I just don't believe i ever will be normal. I have this anxiety tic every time I feel uncomfortable no matter what the situation is. I also feel depressed. I really wish I had looked for help when I was younger.

[blackcat64013]

Thank you for sharing with us on the forum.

Your wonderful brain has been keeping you safe in the best way it knows how up to this time. Taking in some talking therapy with help with recovering from the trauma.

Wishing you all the best

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

#1. Normal is only a setting on a dryer! We are unique and different and oh what a beautiful thing that is!

#2. You did nothing wrong!!! Repeat after me...”I did nothing wrong!” Some people are just sick and twisted! Have you ever faced your fear? Confronted that awful person? If he is that evil I don’t recommend doing it alone. Your mom probably doesn’t remember that day one bit. She’s not holding a grudge etc. If you tell her though maybe she can be a good support to you. I understand not wanting to hurt her though. You need therapy. I went through a very traumatic car accident when I was young. I was injured severely and am now disabled. Every time I go to the doctor I freak out with stress and anxiety. The injuries hurt me and now I’m scared I will get hurt again. Somehow you need to find peace from what happened. Forgive but not forget. I think getting it out in the open could help free you from the burden this has put on you. I strongly recommend you talk to a therapist! He should not be allowed to get away with this. He could be doing it to others. A therapist can teach you coping mechanisms. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Do not give that piece of evil crap power over you. You need to take your power back. Talking to a therapist can help you do that. Maybe God wants you to help other young girls by telling your story. It could also help you by taking control over what happened to you. I can’t claim to understand because that never happened to me. I can understand feelings you say you have. Although for different reasons I have them too. Fight! Take your power back! Talk to a therapist. Maybe volunteer helping other young girls before or after it happens to them. Take back the control of what happened. I’m glad you told your sister. You have taken the first step. I wish you luck!

[rose_2105 in reply to Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Thank you for your kind words. i would love to help other but before I help other I think I need to fix myself first.

[Windy101]

Hi Rose! I so admire your courage in telling your story here. That took a lot of guts, even onlne to people you don't know.

I urge you to contact your local sexual assault crisis center. There will be advocates there who understand about child sexual abuse who can talk to you, and it's almost always free. There are support groups, too.

I promise you, you are completely normal. You're reacting to the abnormal actions of a sick person. Some people never talk about these things, or do so when they're much older than you. So please don't be hard on yourse'f for waiting until you're 27. That's not such a long time.

As for your mom, unless she was in the habit of acting like this, my hunch is that she was scared and angry, but not at you.

I hope you'll talk to people who work in this field. What happened to you was terrible and wrong, and not one bit your fault. But you can heal from this. I used to work at a Rape Crisis Center and saw so many women become empowered to take back their lives, and you can, too.

[rose_2105 in reply to Windy101]

Thank you! I will look into it. i've been having a real hard time with myself and thats why I decided to get help.

[Aspergirl47]

Hey, Reading your post brought tears to my eyes, this is the same for me....I was abused from as young as 5yrs by my older brother who was supposed to be caring for me whilst my parents were working...this went on until I was taught sex education at school, I actually took it he loved me before that, just shows how it messes with our minds!!!! after I had my first lesson at school, I then walked home and as soon as I got home he had gone to abuse me again, only I now knew it was so wrong so I threatened to tell my parents....it ended that day I then suffered my first major bout of depression aged 14...I never told anyone, like u, I kept it all locked inside...I finally told my mother and my other older brother..my brother became aggressive towards me and said I was lying and my mother made some ridiculous excuse for him about how a Dr told her he may have sexual problems, especially a very high sex drive due to side effects from meds for epilepsy he had been taking for years...her way of dealing with it was to blame the meds not him.....I'm so glad u have a sister u can talk to...u need support, unfortunately I wasn't so lucky....I have had a lot of mental health problems through the years and found out in 2014 I have Aspergers Syndrome...maybe I was an easy target for his sick mind....I also have Ptsd through the abuse....My Psychiatrist wanted me to now confront him but have someone with me for safety...but I find this to difficult...Both my brothers are like best friends as if nothing happened, my parents are now dead and I am the one lost and isolated, apart from having a wonderful son (glad to say, nothing like the other males)....I wanted u to read my story as I hope it offers some comfort that youre not alone...I know how much we suffer even years later..Im here, if u need to chat... Sending love..xx

[rose_2105 in reply to Aspergirl47]

Hi thank you so much for sharing. It makes me feel a little better about my situation. I'm sorry that happened to you. The thought of confronting my abuser has never crossed my mind. i just don't feel that would make me feel better. I think that would just make my anxiety worst. i guess my focus is only to fix myself. i just want to be happy. i want to feel confident. i hate the fact that its hard for me to work with males. It makes me extremely nervous and i wish that would just go away. Thanks for offering to chat! I'm here also

[Aspergirl47 in reply to rose_2105]

Hey, Good to hear from u.. I feel exactly the same about talking to my brother..I feel it will actually make my Ptsd worse and I just don't want that..I like u, just want peace and to be happy, I hope we both find this I relate to u describing how u feel around males...this part has been the most difficult...the only male I'm comfortable around each day is my son, but if I'm out and any male even looks at me, my anxiety goes through the roof...it has left me with a lot of trust issues, I'm sure it has for u too..Thank u for also being there, it really helps xx

[Windy101]

In the United States, Rainn is a huge organization dedicated to helping survivors of sexual assault. They can connect you to services in your area.

rainn.org/