Hi, I'm new. It's late at night, which is usually when the bad feelings come around, and I stumbled upon this site, so I thought I would check it out.
I've never been diagnosed by a professional, but I would say I've had my depression since 6th grade. I started to self harm when I was in 8th grade, which was when my depression started getting exceptionally bad. With not having a father and my mom working all the time, I was home alone a lot. In 9th grade I finally told my mom that I thought there was something wrong with me and that I never felt happy, didn't get excited, didn't want to be alone, etc. I said I didn't know what to do and that maybe I should talk to a psychiatrist or something, even though I knew we didn't have the money. This took a lot of courage for me to say, because I rarely talked about my feelings with anyone (I didn't really have any friends and I'm not that in touch with my family). Despite my mom usually always supporting me and us being close, she told me that I was being dramatic, and ignored the problem until I eventually had a hysterical meltdown in front of her a few weeks later. She agreed we could try seeking help if I needed it, but for days we didn't discuss it, when I would bring it up she said she didn't know where to look right now and that she needed to look into insurance. After weeks of not getting anywhere, I eventually stopped bringing it up and I haven't talked about my mental health with her since that meltdown in 9th grade.
Now, I'm a senior. I've had many ups and downs with my mental health. I was reaching a really bad point where I didn't care about anything, fighting with my mom, sneaking out, started hanging with the wrong crowd of people, smoking pot. I'm a really good kid, don't get me wrong, no one suspected that I was doing these bad things. In 10th grade I began dating this boy who had many of the same problems I had. We were basically therapy for each other, which in some ways isn't very healthy. He would always tell me that he had tried committing suicide the year before and that he was planning on trying again until he had met me, and that I had saved his life. We were the basic couple in movies that glorify mental illness, but we did help each other. We both stopped self harming, talked about our feelings and knew how to calm each other down. 10th grade was the happiest point in my life, for a solid year and a half we were an amazing couple (or so i thought). In the middle of 11th grade I was gaining a lot of self-confidence, I was joining clubs, talking to people, pursuing passions, etc. and I guess that threatened him, he thought I was growing away from him, so he started lashing out, which did start pushing me away. He turned into a different person that I wasn't happy to be around anymore, but at that point we had been through so much together that I felt attached to him and couldn't leave. I felt trapped, partially because I didn't want to be alone and partially because I didn't want him to hurt himself. So I stayed with him for another year, with some of that year being good, but full of many fights, late nights crying, and I began self harming again. Eventually I realized that I was finally happy with who I was and that I shouldn't let anyone get in the way of that, that yes we had many great memories together, but that it was the past I was clinging to and that I was no longer happy in the present.
After 2 and a half years, actually planning our futures thinking we could surpass the "highschool sweethearts" title, I broke up with him. He would go on to harass me for weeks, first saying that he needed me to be happy, he couldn't imagine life without me and that if I left him he would fall apart, begging me to come back. Then when that didn't work, he began to tell me that he was happy I left because he realized how shitty of a human being I was and how he's disappointed he wasted so much time and effort on me. The person that once told me he would never do anything to hurt me, began spreading rumors around school about me. He was extremely childish, but it didn't really effect me, because I realized I was being the better person, never lashing out and only ever telling him that I was sorry he felt that way and how I hope he would lead a happy life. I was heartbroken for about a week, not sure if I had made the right decision or not, but eventually ended up really happy. With the drama out of my life, I could focus on the self-confidence I was building and make friends. I realized how much negativity he was bringing into my life and how much he was holding me down, I felt free and I began spreading positivity and joy as much as I could.
This happiness lasted for a few months. I met a new boy, completely "opposite" of my type, but I could tell he was the right type. We're still currently dating (it's been 5 months) and he's already the best boyfriend I've had. He's one of the sweetest people I've ever met, everyone he interacts with loves him because he's happy, positive, and polite, always cracking joints and doing favors for others. He has never guilted me, never made me feel bad about myself, never said or even hinted a single bad thought about me. He's only ever trying to make me smile, giving me presents for no reason, and saying nice things, making me realize that much more how toxic my last relationship was. He's just a junior, but he's more wise and mature than most I know.
We started out as friends, and that's all I was going to keep it regardless of my feelings, because I knew I would be leaving for college in the fall and I didn't want a long-distance relationship. He told me about his feelings for me and i said I felt the same way, but that i was leaving and didn't want to hurt him. He of course agreed and said that he didn't care if I was leaving and that he wanted to spend as much time with me as he could. I've made it very clear from the very beginning that nothing will change my mind, I've discussed my feelings many times, but I still feel like I'm taking advantage of him. I couldn't tell for a while if I was just using him for the time being because I can't stand being alone, if he was just a rebound that I needed for emotional and physical dependence, but over time I realized I truly love and care about him as an individual, because he's so pure at heart. Me being his first girlfriend, he's instantly fallen in love with me (or thinks he is).
He is the best boyfriend I've had by far, and yet something feels off. Something is missing. I guess it's hard to compete with my ex where it seemed like we had a whole story together full of unique moments that pulled us together. Or maybe it's because I've gone into the relationship already knowing it's not going to last. But when I'm with him I'm laughing and I'm happy, he never makes me feel bad, and if he does he always apologizes instantly and we discuss it. I think part of the reason is because we're almost too opposite. It's nice to have someone optimistic because I feed off his energy, but I still tend to get those nights where I feel empty and sad (maybe for no reason) and he doesn't understand it. In person he's very considerate, but over text the only thing he says is "it's going to be okay", which is not the wrong thing to say, but to hear it over and over when I'm trying to talk about my feelings makes me feel like he just wants me to be done talking about it. Sometimes it's NOT okay, and I just wish I could get a paragraph of those sweet words that he can deliver in person. If I'm not depressed we have a great time, but those late nights that I get where I feel alone will never go away and I need an outlet.
I was finally getting to a good place mentally, my self-love at a high, engaging in a ton of healthy activities, and in a stable relationship, until this pandemic hit. Being a senior, I feel like everything has been taken away from me. The spring sports I was finally going to participate in cancelled, not saying goodbye to any of my classmates or teachers, not getting a last band concert. I was stagecrew manager of my school's play, I pour 2 months of my time and energy into the play each year, and we didn't get to perform this year, which was always the best part of my year. I don't even want to discuss my thoughts on graduation or what's going to happen with college. Basically, I sound like i'm whining, but everything feels a bit unfair, but expected with my luck. Being a good person, I'm of course isolating myself, staying away from the one friend that always makes me happy and my boyfriend who always puts me in a good mood and whom I had been hanging out with daily before this.
I've been sleeping a lot, like 12 hours a day, more if I don't work. I'll stay up till 3 am and sleep till 3 pm. I find it impossible to wake up before 11 am, even with the many alarms I set. If I don't work, I will take naps throughout the day if I feel bored or sad or just because I always feel tired. I work as a CNA so I can still work during these times, and I'm actually grateful for that, because at work is the only time I don't feel sad now, because I'm distracted and I can socialize with one of my friends.
My depression is starting to escalate, though, in a way that's worse than many of my other lows, because I don't feel sad. I feel nothing. I sit in bed and I don't know what to do, I'll have no thoughts or emotions and I just lay there. I don't talk to many people, and with my boyfriend not fully understanding my feelings, I find myself even more isolated. I once again feel like I have no one. I cut the other day, after not having done so for over a year, and I think that's what set me off on this downward spiral as I feel disappointed in myself. I thought I wasn't doing that anymore, for a while I was telling myself that it wouldn't help me and that the meltdowns eventually pass, so there's no reason to leave lasting evidence of them. I do it on my ankles, though, so no one notices. My mom has no clue that I've ever done it, and has actually made fun of self-harm in front of me before, saying "I don't get why people do that for attention" which made me feel horrible. I have never done it for attention, it stops the panic attacks. When I can't stop crying or hyperventilating, it distracts me and calms me down.
I'm not suicidal, I never have been. I love life and everything it has to offer. Sometimes I hate people and the world we live in, but I try to not let things get me down and try to find the better things. I love the Earth and animals, my dream is to become a zoologist. I have a lot of dreams. I'm intelligent, hardworking, compassionate, and I set a lot of goals for myself. It's just these phases where I feel like everything is pointless. Like I can't breathe. One of my biggest problems is the fear of being alone. I'm so dependent on others for reassurance, where when I'm alone at night for like two hours I start to have a mental breakdown. I can't be alone with my thoughts, but how am I supposed to stop that? I can't always be depending on someone, so I choose not to say anything, which makes it worse. It's a vicious cycle.
This isn't a cry for help. I was just having a panic attack, no one to talk to, and started typing. I don't expect anyone to read this loooong boring story of my life. I guess it was my substitute for therapy and it worked, because I don't feel like I'm on the verge of tears anymore. I definitely don't think this platform was made for this, so I'm sorry. I was going to say something small, but then my brain wanted to say more. Maybe I should just keep a journal huh? Lol. Things will get better.
Why I need somebody 
I'm hurting. How do I make it stop??
Bad relationship during pregnancy causing detrimental depression
Birthday Depression
i'm new here (i have depression and anxiety) 
