Why do I do this?

[Doozie]

Why do I act the way that I do? I have been so good with moods and feelings since May 2019. I was doing great until Monday when I realized that I had to go back to work on Thursday. I had time off of work since Christmas so roughly 5 days at that point. I started getting all anxious about having to get up again in the morning and getting my 4 kids to bed at night again on time. Then the depression started back in. I just got so depressed about the holidays being over and vacation time ending that I lost it. My daughter is 7 and keeps asking if I am better yet. I just feel like I am ruining my kids somehow by being depressed around them. I try to be a good mom and parent, but its hard. Today was the first day back at work and it was okay, but by the end of the day I got anxious again about having to go home and deal with my kids and home stuff. My husband is wonderful and is very supporting and I feel like sometimes I put too much on him by being so depressed. I don't know why I am writing this. Maybe just to have someone tell me that it is okay to feel like this sometimes. That I am not a bad person. that it is the disease of depression doing this stuff to me and not actually me. I just feel so guilty and worried about everything. Ugh. I got to get over this, I can't stay like this. I am already on 150 mg of Effexor XR twice a day and I don't want to mess with my meds. I know this will all pass and I will go back to myself soon, but the inbetween time sucks.

[NeuronerdDoaty]

You’re wonderful and I’m glad you wrote it out.

When we have A/D our brain works like a pendulum with the chemicals we make up in there. All humans do it but it’s a bit more for us. For every high there’s a low.

As for your children the best thing in the world is to learn to live with different personalities and invisible issues while in a loving home atmosphere. When they grow up they can say to themselves ‘ah my boss may act this way because....’ or ‘my best friend has this issue but I love her/him’ and be happier more forgiving people. It’s important to let them know always that it’s not them. Children have a way of making everything about them. We see that in things posted by adults here.

Love and be honest. You’ll be surprised at your kids as they become understanding adults.

Love yourself. Obviously others do.

Take care and take time.

Doaty💛

[Doozie in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Thank you for replying. I know I just need to be gentle with myself and stop putting myself down about my depression and anxiety. I don't want myself to feel this way. It is a disease that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. My one son just announced on Fortnite to who knows who that "His mom has depression". I am starting to not care who knows though. It needs to be talked about more in public and on social media. It is part of who I am and I need to accept it and fight through it when it rears its ugly head.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Doozie]

I’m proud of you. For me only being honest and open keeps it so everyone understands and boundaries aren’t crossed. I’m sure you’re doing your best.

[chickiegirl]

I feel your pain. I am so tired and it's It not fair to have to

[Doozie]

So its now Sunday, another week starts tomorrow with work and school. Will I make it through? Will I crash and burn and drop all my balls I am juggling? NO I will not, I will NOT let myself do this. ugh, I just feel like I am in a big swirling tornado where one minute I am fine, then I fling around and am down, then spin back up, then down.... over and over again. How do I break this cycle? How do I escape the cyclone?

[lovetodance2018]

Boy can I relate. I wish I had the answer. I keep telling myself trusting God, not letting myself spiral, knowing my triggers. But I have spiraled several times with the disease. I am also on a pretty high dose of medication. I believed I would never spiral again but I know it is not true. The anxiety starts, then my brain and thoughts go all over the place and depression hits. My cycles have been happening along with my menstrual cycles. I seem to be only having a few good weeks at a time and then at least a week or so of struggling. I feel like a yo yo. I just believe that I know I will feel better and do as much as I am able. My husband is also a support and he does understand depression because he has struggled too. Saying positive and encouraging things when you are not feeling well is so important. Accepting that this is a struggle but don't give up. You will feel better. Remember we aren't alone God is with us every step of the way and we have each other for support. Also, let your children just snuggle with you. I know when I am depressed any love and hugs I can get are encouraging. Just remember don't be too hard on yourself. My prayers are with you my friend. Thanks for sharing. Hugs!