What have I done?

[Katie8791]

Me and a friend of mine, (I will call him Bob) became an item back in 2016. I knew he had kids. One 9, the other 5. I had no problem with it and even supported him through his lengthy Divorce and Custody battles. I gave them each a bedroom at my house right away. If him and his kids were going to be living in my house, they needed their own space. He was granted 50/50 custody of his children a little over a year ago. I told him I'd be willing to help out him and their mother when necessary, beings we were moving away from both sets of their grandparents. I accepted and loved that I would have these children in my life. I knew me and the kids' new stepdad would have to be involved to some extent. They come with us for a week and then their mother's for a week and so on, alternating. I have a daughter, who is 24. She's married and has her own children, my grand kids. Love them dearly. My point is that I had no more dependents of my own left at home when Bob and I got together. We are now married, moved to another city to be closer to the kids' mom so that the kids don't have to commute any longer, safer for them. Which, in my belated opinion, should mean that because mom and dad live close enough to each other to play nice and tend to their children, leaning on me and step dad should happen only when necessary. All is good for the most part. I love my husband greatly and have MANY reasons to do so and stay . He is warm and compassionate. He loves me like nobody's business. Treats me better than any man has ever treated me. Works hard. Never leaves me hanging.

I have to wonder sometimes though, what really is the definition of being helpful and backing them up? What really is the appropriate duties for step parents? I've always and still do bring the kids to school (which is near both our homes, no commuting necessary). Sometimes pick them up as well. Since we've moved, I've been feeling a lot more pressure over tending to the kids. Might be because we don't have grandparents helping anymore. I don't know if maybe its all the anxiety and depression causing me to feel taken advantage of. This morning my husband had to be at work a little later than normal. I had expected he would bring the kids to camp beings he had more time than normal AND he doesn't get to do it often. Nope, I was wrong. I was still responsible for bringing them even though he could have. Their own mother could bite the bullet and bring them herself, beings she's the one who moved away in the first place. Especially beings she chose this camp that they're attending. A camp that requires the kids to commute, on a very dangerous stretch of highway. AGAIN. And he never bucked her or asked for a discussion or anything before making a decision about camp, nor did they run anything by me, the backup. She spoke it and he allowed it. Bringing them every morning takes away from my quiet time. I'm a smoker, that means no cigarettes until I get to work. Can't smoke in the car with them and I wouldn't. Can't listen to my morning show because it's inappropriate for children. I can deal with it normally but it really bothered me that he didn't bring them when he could have this morning. Does this make me a bad step parent? I hear people say that you have to treat them as your own. I would do anything for those kids including protect them with my life, however, they are not my kids. I hear people also say that I shouldn't try to be a parent to them but just be an adult friend that they can count on. I don't know what's right or wrong, I just know that it's causing me some emotional issues and definitely putting something in between my husband and I. Am I crazy? I seemed to be happy to help but now I just feel aggravated by it. Because again, like so many times in my past, no one considered the effect her decision would make on me. Her decision of where they were going to summer camp and the fact that my husband didn't request that we keep it close to school and home just really set me off. Any perspective or opinion would be great. Thanks!

[laylayla]

Hi Katie, what you have done until now for those kids is really awesome: not every woman would have put up with all of that, even for the man they loved!

[Hidden]

Hi. I can totally relate. I am opposite in the fact that I married a man with a son before I had my own. I had my free time for years with a first marriage no kids. I told myself that I had to accept the fact the he comes first and also that full custody could always be a possibility. My husband on the other hand took most of the responsibility if not all of it. I think my hanging back as a parent was a real mistake for my step son. We did actually get custody when he was thirteen and our daughter was four. It was difficult to become a real parent after I held back all those years since he was not mine. He does love me and calls me mom now that he is twenty one and is a Marine. If I had to do it all over again I would have treated him just like my own and took full responsibility. When we become a step parent our love and care for them should be the same as if we gave birth to them. It's not like you are still just dating. You are a family. They will feel the difference like mine did and it wasn't fair to him. I regret it greatly. I would talk to your husband and let him know that he needs to step up but if they were your own and dad doesn't do much like some parents do, you would pick up the slack so they shouldn't be any different. You made this commitment and he came with children who could use love from as many parents as they have. This will help in their development over the years and help make them good parents and maybe step parents some day.

[Katie8791 in reply to Hidden]

That’s really good perspective. Thank you so much!

[Hidden in reply to Katie8791]

Your welcome. I'm glad you aren't offended. I can see better now that my son is grown and I can look back on it.

[Katie8791 in reply to Hidden]

No reason to be offended. 😊

[Katie8791 in reply to Hidden]

And just so the record is clear, I never deny them love. Love can be given to them no matter what I choose or don’t choose to help with. I could never be cold or unloving towards them. That’s definitely not the issue. We exchanged I love you’s this morning when I dropped them off at camp. 😊

[Hidden in reply to Katie8791]

I know. I can tell. I loved my step son too but I let the idea that I was not the parent cloud my actions and responsibility that I should have taken with him. I lived like hes yours and the daughter is ours and I know he didn't feel fully part of our family.

[Katie8791 in reply to Hidden]

I’m glad I don’t have that dynamic here. His children aren’t having to fit in with my children. I only have 1 and she’s grown and out the house.

[Hidden in reply to Katie8791]

Yeah, it was hard because my daughter says to me, I'm your only baby, and it was just her dad and me and her for four years so it was hard for her to accept that he is also dad's baby, his first baby. She kept saying, when is he leaving? She was only four then.

[Katie8791 in reply to Hidden]

Awww poor heart

[4sure]

You obviously are showing you care to these kids, but you are also right to feel taken advantage of if the father has 'expectations' of you that are unreasonable. Did you tell your husband how you felt about it or just hoped he knew? People tend to take advantage if they are allowed to. You need to set some boundaries with him and the mother or you could be stuck doing everything. The kids may or may not appreciate all you do. Most likely they will but much of it they won't even remember. You care about the kids yes but don't let situations make you feel resentful or it can have the opposite effect of what you intended.

[Katie8791 in reply to 4sure]

You hit the nail on the head. That’s what I’m worried about. The resentment I’m feeling towards him when he slacks a little on parenting or when he doesn’t involve me in discussions regarding transporting the kids to school. Or when he doesn’t take them to camp on the days he physically can. Beings I usually the one bringing them. Gives me a break and gives them a treat for daddy to drop them off.

[Katie8791 in reply to Katie8791]

Oh and did answer your question- He knows how I feel about the camp decision they made without me present. Knowing I’d be bringing them. I told him in the very beginning that I am a willing helping hand but I’m not raising them for you and I’m not fighting their mother either. He doesn’t know that I’m upset that he didn’t take them to camp.

[Katie8791 in reply to 4sure]

I would hope that I wouldn’t have to remind him to “think about your wife” while you’re discussing the kids with their mother.

[Hidden]

I think you’re awesome for loving the 9 and 5 year old and trying to be what they need plus respect boundaries.

Is it possible that you’ve felt frustrated, angry, and discounted for a while? Have you shared this with your husband? If not, why? As an equal partner in the marriage, you deserve to have a voice, be heard, and be treated with dignity and respect.

I would also think that all four adult parents involved should be willing to consider other’s needs and negotiate a compromise that all can agree on.

I’m so proud of you for reaching out here. And you sound like a good parent to me.

[Katie8791 in reply to Hidden]

I’ve spoken to him about it. It’s just been since they decided to let the kids commute again. Which was back in February I believe. He knows. Not sure if he realizes that I’m not going to be commuting them anymore. He Like next summer. He should. I’ve vented to him a lot about his nonchalance about the matter. I don’t have a problem bringing them to school around the corner and down the street from the house though. Thanks for your kind words!

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Step parent or not nothing ever stays the same. How about ‘I guess you’ll get the kids then from camp?’ You see how things are changing but they don’t. You’ll have to be the one that says ‘who’s going to get the kids I’ll be busy that afternoon’.

They love and appreciate you. You just need to state what you’re willing to do now. Say it out loud. Practice. ‘I can’t do...... anymore’

I learned this the hard way too. No one is reading our minds!

No one is questioning your love. These kids get love from all over. It’s great.

Doaty

[Katie8791 in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Good advice! Thank you for that 😊

[RoseEnchanted]

Hi there, you are wonderful. Wanting to have some time for yourself doesn't make you a bad person. You have boundaries, and had to let them know of your needs too. The kids need you and that is a reward waiting to happen only for you, for all you have done for them. Keep up the good job my friend.

[Hidden]

I think you sound normal. At those ages they’re your kids now too & really should talk to hubby about being part of decisions too if you’re taking them to camp. If you hate driving that hwy say you don’t want to drive them because if that but someone else can just as their mom chose to move farther away. It’s not ok to be left out if things if you’re the one actually doing the things. That’s how I’d approach that part. You’d want your x husbands wife to treat your kids like hers so they belong or that would bother you. You’re clearly a good person & it’s also ok to be pissed you can’t smoke in the car your ritual we all have them. Even if theyre unhealthy haha!! It’s ok to ask for a break too sating it makes you happy to be able to smoke listen to Howard stern stress relief fir you so he can take it on sometimes it’s not about the kids it’s about needing that time sometimes.

[Katie8791 in reply to Hidden]

Good stuff! Thanks

[Magicdreamer]

Hi Katie. I'll give you a perspective from being a step child. My brother and i opted to go live with my Dad and step Mom when I was 12 years old. I felt frightened at the time and thought I was betraying my Mom by doing this. I felt so alone and clung to my brother as a safety net. We use to visit my Dad and step Mom for holidays prior to this and my step Mom was amazing. She did things like make us a 2 course breakfast in the morning and we seemed to get so much attention... Never affection. After my Dad won full custody my brother and I experienced more turmoil from my Mom and we were blamed and ridiculed by her each time we visited. I took this very personally and am now healing those wounds. Things with my Dad and step Mom changed as well. Those warm holiday days were now completely different. I felt insanely protected to a point that I couldn't have friends over or even if a boy called, my dad would take the phone to work so that nobody could contact me. Things became secretive. My step Mom and Dad communicated nothing to us regarding family decisions. We became the kids and they were the adults. My brother and I ate dinner before them and only very seldom like on Christmas day did we experience a family meal together. My step Mom sees herself as my Dads :protector' so whenever I want to talk to my dad, she would interfre to get him away from me as if I was an intruder and had no rights to voice my needs or wants. I felt isolated and seperated being pulled from pillar to post with never having the right to express my needs or wants. I felt lost and felt like I was always walking on broken glass. I've never felt like part of the family because I felt an inconvenience and a burdon, which I still do. Parents who get divorced do not understand the emotional turmoil a child actually goes through as I'm dealing with that now. Even when I received all the material needs, my emotional needs were never met. If I ever met a man who had kids, I would definitely do things differently. I would take the initiative to be consistent and make them feel included and as part of myself. I'm sure it would be a challenge at first but I'm sure my upbringing was what it was so that I could make those changes. Kids need to feel safe no matter what. Their perspectives are transformed from innocence and take the blame for parents divorce as well as they're never given the space to feel safe enough to express how they truly feel as they feel there is a consequence for expressing how they feel as they are totally dependent on their caregivers so being well behaved and conforming is priority on their list. Communication is key. Open and honesty and asking them how they feel making it safe enough for them to express themselves is so very important. I'm learning so much and would feel so honoured to be a step parent and do my very best to build a relationship with them. All the best xxx

[Katie8791 in reply to Magicdreamer]

We do have an affectionate relationship. They’re so fragile and I understand that. The girl and I are especially close. She has some emotional issues with being away from her mom so I do my absolute best to show her love because I know she’s missing mommy’s love. I hold her when she’s crying. I hug and kiss her when I come in the house. The boy is the older one and he stays to himself but usually require a hug from him daily. I am a very affectionate person. Always have been. Affection didn’t come often from my parents. My mom when I got older. But as a kid they were tough parents. They were definitely not my friends like parents these days attempt to be.

[Magicdreamer in reply to Magicdreamer]

All I can say is that if things could have been different in my upbringing, I would have loved for my dad and step mom to create a safe space where I felt safe enough to openly express how I felt meaning, I wish I had had the opportunity to tell them what I was afraid of or what that I was feeling insecure (vulnerable) about. To tell them my needs and wants. If they would have listened and tried everything in their power to meet those needs and even if they couldn't at the time, put forward a suggestion to try meet them in the future, that would have made me feel safe and I would have learnt to trust them instead, I've grown up with resent towards them as well as bottle stuff up in fear of feeling vulnerable to express how I truly feel because of consequences. I lived in fear and rebelled after trying to live up the the good girl standards my step Mom portrayed and still does. Kids can feel senserity in affection. Just be real with them and try not overcompensate. You have the power to either make this beautiful or destroy it. Thats the power of choice. Xxx

[Katie8791 in reply to Magicdreamer]

I only want to do right by them. I made that choice when they moved into my home. I have no resentment towards them. Sincerity isn’t an issue. They aren’t the problem and I can’t and won’t fake love. That’s just not something I’m capable of. It’s the adults I have a problem with. I don’t take it out on the kids. I do have different values than both of their parents though. So I will always try to let their own parents handle things first. They need to be their parents first and foremost in my opinion. I can be supportive and helpful but I don’t think I should “parent” them when they have two very capable and stable parents in their lives. If their mother wasn’t around I would feel more inclined to mother them and be even more supportive. Giving them my love doesn’t involve any stipulations though. I love them no matter what. I just have a feeling that if I don’t hold my husband to being their parent, I’ll end up with a lot more responsibility than is fair to me. Considering I’m older and have raised my child. And I’m not without consequences. I don’t spend enough time with my own grandkids because I’m in the middle of the hustle and bustle of having 2 young children at home, trying to run the household and work a full time job with an hour commute to and from. With the worst depression and anxiety I’ve ever had. It’s hectic regardless of how much I actually have to do for them. Trust me, I know we’re all suffering even if it’s different suffering.

[Magicdreamer in reply to Katie8791]

All the best. 💚xxx

[Icare4u]

Hi Katie! I think you need to talk to your husband. Tell him that he needs to include you in decision making about things like this. Explain how if it was going to affect you, because if it was that you would drive them, then that should've been discussed and asked of you prior.

Keep doing what you are doing as far as your relationship with them. It sounds like it is the fine line between parent and adult friend. Definitely be as much of a parent as you can. I know there are boundaries and I'm sure you know those boundaries.

[porcupyne]

Sounds like you’re tired of being used.

It’s turned to resentment and anger at self

For allowing it?!

[Katie8791 in reply to porcupyne]

Yeah. The boundary line moves though. It’s blurry. When we have the kids and my husband has to work late I pick them up. It’s short notice and I don’t usually mind because he can’t help work stuff. I feel that we have good communication about it but I think I can do better. Especially when it comes to being included in decisions. I love the kids and my husband. I want to help but some things should just be not my responsibility. For instance, my husband can’t remember to do things like checking their backpacks every day after camp. I don’t feel it’s my responsibility to run the every day lives of the kids. I’m here to help, not take over and not hold his hand. Considering that I have a good bit of emotional issues, sometimes I just am overwhelmed by it all. I try not to react in a way that will insult him or make him think I don’t care. I do very much so. But I’m not exactly perfect mothering material. Sometimes I feel inadequate as a partner for him. But I think that just my inner turmoil and low confidence. I’m trying.

[6ixtyon1]

You beautifully have this, as far as the children go...but your husband needs to be reminded that he also has an active part to play...you can even be playful about needing a little elbow room in the logistics department, now and again; but, he is not to take advantage of your good nature...after all, he is the other biological parent. He needs to keep his focus, there, always.