At my breaking point.

[BlueMama]

I'm a mother of 3 beautiful amazing kids......I'm a stay at home mom....I have a wonderful husband....what is wrong with me? Some days I'm fine. I get up...I'm on top of things. Other times...I don't want to get out of bed for days. I don't want to clean the house( which with 3 kids under 6, it gets messy fast!) I just lay in bed and cry. I feel like an awful and selfish mom. Which makes me feel like an awful person. I'm supposed to be my kids rock. I don't want them to see me like this. I have terrible social anxiety so I dont have many friends( by many friends....quite literally I have one friend...her mom took me in for 2 years when I was in highschool) to talk to...I don't want to burden my family with my issues...I try to talk to my husband about it and he doesn't think it's that big of a deal. He works alot and just constantly reminds me that I need to be happy and be his rock so that he can be in a good mental state for work......but I'm barely keeping it together. My dad passed away when I was young and both my mom and sisters suffer from bipolar disorder...manic depression.... schizophrenia.....I'm the youngest but always feel like I have to hold it together for them even though we are all adults. I just feel as if I have the weight of the world pounding down on my shoulders and piece by piece I'm breaking more and more.

[hypercat54]

Hi I think your husband is being unfair to you and is forgetting that you work at least as hard as he does but at least he is able to escape the home to go to his workplace. Yours is all around you and with 3 young children I bet you put in more hours than he does! Apart from that housework is unskilled work and can be extremely boring as is being stuck at home all day with only children around to talk to. You must get very lonely.

I think you clearly need some 'me' time as it is too much only to be defined as a wife and mother and you need an escape sometimes to be yourself with no one dependent on you. Can you go to a local group once or twice a week? How about going out one night a week with your friend?

It's not being selfish to put your own needs first once in a while you know coz if you are happier then those around you benefit. x

[BlueMama in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks for replying! As much as I would like to have some "me" time I feel guilty for even asking my husband for some "me" time. As I feel like in his mind he doesn't get any. He works and comes home. I feel selfish for wanting to do anything.

[hypercat54 in reply to BlueMama]

The point is that at work he isn't a husband or a father but John (or whatever his name is) and he also has a separation of work and home. You are never you but always a wife and mother and you don't even get a separate workplace. This is why you need some time to be just you. Remind him of this if he complains. Also I would work out how many hours work you do and how many he does daily. I bet you find you are doing a lot more hours than he is

Oh and don't 'ask' him for it just say you need to escape sometimes and treat it as non negotiable. If he refuses to babysit then pay someone. x

[softwaremom00]

Try to give yourself compassion. Being a stay at home mom is the hardest and most important job in the world. Don't feel guilty about feeling bad. Maybe sometimes it is ok to let the house get messy. If you can afford it hire a cleaning person.. otherwise don't worry about the mess on some days.

Maybe it is ok to only have one really good friend ? When you have little ones it is hard to get out and socialize so do not beat yourself up over it.

Please take some time for yourself. Mediate.. take a long walk.. EVERY DAY!! It will be hard but it is important to do this.

I think the only thing that got me through my kids younger years was extended breast feeding.. oxytocin would really relax me.

Tons of hugs and prayers for you.

Softwaremom

[Missnoname]

I could have written this, minus the husband part (I'm single). I literally just spent 2 days in bed and felt like I couldn't keep my eyes open. I had to have the kids dad come get them yesterday morning. Does this happen to you? Because I'm otherwise fine, and I'm starting to think it's not a symptom of depression, but is actually causing it. I was diagnosed with depression almost 20 years ago, and this exhaustion is fairly new, within the last year. I think there might be a physiological cause? Oh... And BTW... I'm a nurse... And going to work is like having a vacation day. Tell your husband to spend a week doing what you do and see who's job is harder!

[sarahnz31]

I feel for you xx staying at home with your kiddies is a very demanding and often thankless job. My 3 kids are all at school now so I'm working but remember how desperate I used to feel. Don't feel guilty asking your husband for help, he might be at work all day but believe me, that is easier than staying at home looking after the kids. When you go out to work you get breaks, cups of coffee, get to talk to people and go to the toilet....by yourself! Don't worry if the house is a mess, cos no matter how much you clean it the kids will always undo it! As my counsellor tells me, there is a fine line between selflessness and selfishness. What that means is that if you put everyone before you and neglect yourself, in the long run it will be your family who suffers. Please ask for help and believe me, it gets better and better and easier xxx

[Tutumama]

I feel EXACTLY like you do and could have almost written this myself with the exception of the little kids (mine are 19 [Navy], 13, and 9). My 13 yr old is Autistic and my 9 yr old has anxiety and a little OCD. It can get really challenging at my house too with meltdowns and the barrage of issues that come with that. When i want "me" time, my kids are always with me as well.

I have MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), anxiety, PTSD and some physical problems I started suffering from about 3 yrs ago so housework is challenging for me but my kids are old enough to help out (though my house always seems cluttered with things they don't want to get rid of or I don't either!)

My husband also works a lot, 6 or 7 days a week and doesn't understand how hard it is to be a SAHM and handle all of the kids functions, he thinks it should be easy...but left to his own devices with the kids, he can't even make sure their homework is done and they get a shower! I just think sometimes men really don't understand the work that goes into being a Mama and all the little or even big things we do sometimes that they don't acknowledge. For me, i didn't "choose" to be home all of the time (i give props to you Moms who do!). I loved my job and had a very good career that paid well allowing us to live a middle class lifestyle. Now with only 1 income he gets extremely stressed about everything even though we drastically changed all of our "extras" that we had when i worked as well.

So I definitely understand your situation and how you feel about the weight of the world! I have family but i don't want to burden them with my issues, my younger sister does enough of that herself and I've always just handled things on my own. There are days I have to make myself get out of bed and give myself the "today is gonna be a good day" pep talk. Being in pain 24/7 doesn't help the depression, that's for sure. Have you thought about counseling? If nothing else, it's getting to unload some of that weight you feel to a neutral party and having them help you through it. If it's lasted for awhile, I think it would be good for you to talk to someone. Maybe don't even tell your husband in the beginning, I didn't. Try to get a sitter for the kids for about 2 hrs and go to a session with someone (they usually only last an hr but 2 will give you some time to reflect afterwards, I find that always helps me).

I'm really sorry you feel this way and hope you can get a break soon! Please don't hesitate to msg if you need to talk!

Hugs and love Mama!

[BlueMama]

Thanks for all the support guys! I think it finally hit him yesterday that depression isn't "oh she's just had a bad day" and it is serious. He finally sat down with me and we talked and I felt like for the first time he partly understood.

[MARYRD27 in reply to BlueMama]

I have been in your shoes as well. When my kids were almost 2 and 4 we moved across the country where I didn't know anyone. I'm also very introverted and I've suffered from depression off and on since childhood. Shortly after moving, my younger child was diagnosed with Autism and my other child with ADD and OCD. My husband traveled a lot with his job so I was very isolated and lonely. I had to go on anti-depressants and Xanax just to cope. I also saw a therapist once a week.

I totally understand how boring and soul-killing it is for many to be a SAHM. I have an MBA and had to stop working to take my child to his many therapies. It is so much easier to go to a job than to stay at home raising kids and doing mindless housework. You have to carve out some time for yourself and see a therapist and consider going on an anti-depressant if necessary. One thing that really helped me a lot was becoming involved with my kids' school. I did a lot of volunteering at their school which helped tremendously with the loneliness and I made a couple of friends. And, when my kids were old enough, I went back to work.

I'm glad to hear you have spoken with your husband. That old saying is so true, "A man's work is from sun to sun, but a woman's work is never done."

[Dmcfnp58]

Mommy and me classes saved me! It was a way to get out of the house and meet other moms, make new friends!

[MARYRD27 in reply to Dmcfnp58]

I did Gymboree when my kids were toddlers. It was fun and alleviated some of the loneliness.

[Aspergirl47]

Hey BlueMama.....I have been Carer/Stay at home Mum for years now looking after my son ..he has Autism ...whilst my partner would go to work...I also am very isolated ...only the occasional chat on a phone to a friend I haven't seen for a long time...I have severe social anxiety also...I am totally exhausted beyond belief and the house is a mess now...I am having daily panic attacks when I waken and any sleep I had now feels like I may as well have had none....I myself was finally diagnosed with Autism in 2014 ...Its close to complete burnout ....we have given our all .....Someone said to me ...look at yourself as a saving account lol...you can withdraw too much and have nothing left or u try to save a little regularly and there will always be something to fall back on....I loved that....I cant get out much due to the horrible anxiety but I now try to even put on a yoga dvd at home ...just some small things are better than nothing.... Hope this helps ....xx

[MARYRD27 in reply to Aspergirl47]

I also had crippling anxiety. Xanax and The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook saved my life.

[Aspergirl47 in reply to MARYRD27]

Thank you The anxiety is awful to handle and I still have to look after my son in some ways which is then causing stress...I will check on Amazon for the book ...sounds like it really helped...Appreciated x

[MARYRD27 in reply to Aspergirl47]

When the anxiety is overwhelming, sometimes only Xanax or Ativan will relieve it. It's hard to function when your anxiety level is so high. You just don't want to get reliant on it, but it helps you feel normal and calm and able to think.