I feel like giving up

[PeachyBlossom]

Hi all I haven’t posted in here for a while but I just wanted to check in with a update. I honestly just feel like giving up.

The only good thing that’s happened since my last post is that period finally came back after being off birth control for 8 months although it’s been about a month since I last had it and it hasn’t come back so idk if it’s regular or not .

But anyways I can’t remember if I mentioned it in here but my mum and I moved in July to a different part of Sydney Australia (actually back to my childhood suburb) which means I had to find a new GP to help me with my throat, face and neck problems.

Because of this I feel like I’m back to square one. All my results should be on the computer from previous doctors since they usually are when you see a new doctor. But instead of looking at what I’ve had done already she just ordered me a bunch of tests which I’ve already had like the basic blood test which checks for a lot of different things and also a thyroid ultrasound which I’ve already had done. I tried to tell her I’ve already had that done about 5-6 months ago but she still filled out the medical forms anyways. The only different thing she signed for me to get done was a referral to a gastroenterologist to get an endoscopy of my esophagus to check for damage from indigestion since I told her I get it really bad. I’m just praying they find something there and that it can be fixed. But I know that the ultrasound and the blood test won’t have any new results since nothing would have changed in that time. I feel like she just wanted to rush me out of there because as soon as I mentioned my throat she thought I had COVID and I could tell she was scared of me and didn’t want me in there with her.

Plus my mum doesn’t want to deal with me anymore she’s been arguing with me so much lately and now she’s sending me off to live with my grandparents (who live 7 hours away from here so I have no idea how I’m going to survive that long trip when I can barely handle resting at home.) so now again I’m back to square one because I have to go to doctors there for a few months until I come back home to Sydney in November. I’m worried the doctors aren’t even that good up there since there is only one specialist to choose from and only one hospital and like 2 GPs. Why would she send me away when she knows I’m this ill? I’m worried I’ll barely be able to survive. Especially since this stupid infection happened when visiting my grandparents in the first place (I’m pretty sure I picked up something on the way there) and while I was there my grandparents didn’t hardly do anything about it. (They aren’t very sympathetic people)

But I feel so depressed. This has completely taken over my life. I’m 17 I should be out living and enjoying life (not that I can during the pandemic but still I wish I could enjoy life at home without feeling sick all day long) it’s completely changed the way my face looks my face is so fat and ugly now. I’ve got so much swelling under my Chin which makes it look like I’ve got a double chin and my jawline has completely vanished from there being that much swelling around my jaw. Plus inside of my mouth is a big swollen mess. Under my tongue has 2 big lumps on either side of it, the insides of my cheeks are swollen (one even has a black mark on it which I’m too scared to even ask what it is) the back of my throat is all red and inflamed and my tonsils have either pus or stones in them (which the doctors can’t even seem to see it but I can see it each time I look in a mirror) and I’ve put on so much weight around my stomach.

I just don’t feel happy anymore all I feel is sadness all day everyday. Somedays I just wish I wasn’t here anymore. And I feel like it’s getting to a point where doctors don’t believe me anymore. I’ve seen posts in this group where people have gone through illnesses for years before the doctors finally start finding some answers but I don’t want to go that long feeling like this I feel like I can barely survive another few months with this (mentally speaking) and I can’t even see a counsellor cause I feel too sick to go most days

I think what’s causing all this is either: damage from indigestion, salivary glands, Cushing’s syndrome, thyroid or tonsils (lingual and palatine tonsils)

This is why I reckon it could be these things:

I feel like it could be indigestion because like I said I get bad indigestion (like bad pain in my chest back and jaw, bad burning in the chest, air coming up the throat etc etc) and I’ve gotten it since I was about 10 so it could’ve done some esophageal damage. But I don’t know if that would cause facial swelling or not

And I reckon it could be salivary gland issues since the swelling is in my cheeks jaw and tongue which is where the glands are and plus my mouth is very dry sometimes.

And I reckon it could be Cushing disease because of the moon face symptom and also extreme fatigue to the point of not being able to wake up at all the morning to feeling tired during the day and wanting to go back to bed all day. Plus I have dark purple stretch marks and I’ve put on a lot of weight in the stomach, hips and thighs.

I reckon it could be a thyroid problem because there’s a big lump at the base of my neck around where the thyroid is and plus I get a lot of thyroid symptoms like fatigue, weak muscles, irregular heartbeat, depression getting worse, sleeping troubles, irregular periods. (I’ve gotten an ultrasound in the past which said my thyroid looked fine but I got a blood test which checked my TSH levels and my doctor said it was within range but people in this group said it’s kinda high. I want to get a private thyroid test but my mum refuses to pay for it.)

And I reckon it could be lingual or palatine tonsil problems cause even though my doctor said my tonsils look fine and that they aren’t big enough to be removed they obviously have pus or something on them (I see little white dots on them) but the doctor can’t seem to see anything on them. And I’m getting a lot of swelling around the spot of where the lingual tonsils are located but unfortunately none of the doctors I’ve been too seem to know what lingual tonsils are.

I’m just so terrified that I’ll never find out what this is and I’ll never be able to start my future of being an artist 😭

[Hidden]

Oh my you are facing a lot and i am so sorry you have to deal with all that. i am with you on feeling like giving up. i understand. My heart and thoughts go out to you. Gosh life is so damn hard huh, like when is it going to get better or even semi stable. I would be so stressed out and I can understand your fears. its just horrible to feel sadness every day. To be sick and not have the answers you need and the healing you deserve. On top of all that the world is in covid chaos

[PeachyBlossom in reply to Hidden]

Thanks so much for your kind reply! Yeah it is super hard! I thought when I first got this infection that it would be a quick thing and it would pass like a normal cold or something I didn’t expect to still be suffering 8 long months later! It’s so uncomfortable too I feel like I’ve got the feeling of a pill stuck in my throat all day every day and it’s such a horrible feeling plus the swelling looks and feels absolutely awful as well. None of the doctors really care that much because I’m “still young” and my mum doesn’t under how hard it is for me!

I had so many plans for the following year like continuing my education and starting my art career but all of that is ruined now cause I have no where near enough energy to handle any of it.