When I unwittingly developed my anxiety disorder, I just wanted to relax. I craved relaxation and did all manner of things to try and achieve it and to stop feeling extreme discomfort all day, every day with no respite (except when I managed to sleep). I tried hypnotherapy, meditation, listening to soothing music and the sound of waves gently lapping the shores of a golden sun kissed sandy beach. I bought a bicycle and rode a stupid amount of miles every week. I swam huge distances. I was as fit as a butcher’s dog but none of these things provided prolonged periods of relaxation or peacefulness. By next morning, my mind and body was crippled by anxiety. Back to square one. It was torture. No matter what I tried to do to get rid of the anxiety, it was back the next day. Depression followed.
Exercise is great for stress relief but doesnt tackle chronic anxiety which is stress and fear on steroids If only people could understand the emotional and physical pain we were feeling.
For chronic anxiety sufferers, nerves that have been battered into submission need time to desensitise, to heal but that won’t happen if I fill my day trying to make this “thing” go away and stop dominating my life, I was stuck in a never ending fear-adrenalin-fear cycle. I was anxious and stressed about feeling anxious. I was scared of the feelings of fear. It just keeps producing more stress induced chemicals, inciting more fear. I would fight the thoughts and feelings to feel right, instead of allowing myself to feel the symptoms of anxiety and let myself come out of it naturally. That’s what people without inappropriate levels of anxiety do. They don’t do anything. The feelings just go away by themselves because their focus is on other things, probably the reason that created that particular emotion and not dwelling upon how they are feeling.
Anxiety sufferers are frightened to death about the feelings and try to force themselves to feel better. This is the same as pouring petrol on a fire and expecting the flames to be extinguished.
Getting to the crux of the matter, to no longer feel these feelings, the trick is to allow them to be there and not do anything to change the situation. This stops fueling the anxiety fire.
Struggling to change your feelings or mental state is a fight you will never win and just fans the flames. Try feeling happy when you are sad. Try feeling sad when you are happy. Try feeling full of energy when you are dog tired. See what I mean? You have little or no control over how you are feeling but anxiety sufferers are constantly trying to do this. Trying to control anxiety has the opposite effect. By giving up trying to control anxiety, you eventually regain control!
Allowing the symptoms to be there or accepting them (it’s the same thing) is not a technique or some method. I mean, it is not something you try for a bit and then say, “Aaarghh, I’m still feeling very anxious and hate it. It’s not working!!” That is missing the point entirely.
It is about letting go, developing a genuine relaxed attitude towards the symptoms and allowing yourself to feel the way you are feeling at any time. Let yourself fall into any state and do nothing to try and change it. It is not about your mind or emotions being calm, it is about you being calm towards the crappy negative thoughts the mind is spewing out and the grossly exaggerated emotions that turn pimples into Mt Everest. It’s about being ok about not feeling ok and no longer complaining about how you feel. What will be, will be.
It is the resistance to emotions that cause the majority of suffering, not the feelings themselves. Acceptance is made easier once the mystery of anxiety is understood; the symptoms are completely harmless. The more you allow yourself to pass through the anxiety storm, the more you expose it for what is really is. A confidence trickster.
Fear is the only thing keeping the cycle going. It’s a natural reaction that is designed to protect us in the face of danger. To fight, run away or freeze (playing dead). Anxiety sufferers have become afraid of the symptoms of fear.
To be free from inappropriate levels of anxiety you have to allow every aspect of it to be there and learn to disengage the thoughts and feelings instead of fighting, suppressing, avoiding etc.
I stopped hiding from anxiety, I stopped trying to suppress it, I stopped avoiding things or doing things to deliberately try and feel different. I still cycled and ploughed up and down the pool but didn’t do it with the expectation that it would free me from anxiety. I gradually stopped caring about it and my focus shifted outwards and not constantly monitoring myself.
Recovery is not about managing or coping with anxiety. I never had to manage or cope with it before I developed the disorder so why now? And it wasn’t something I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I gave up all coping techniques and safety behaviours. You just need to be more accepting with anxiety being in your life and be open to it.
The only thing that I changed was my attitude towards the symptoms. There is no magic pill to make it go away. Medication doesn't remove fear. It just masks the symptoms of fear which will still be there if you haven’t learnt how to cope and pass through fear the right way by facing and accepting.
I stopped fighting with myself and trying to escape or change the way I felt. I carried on living my life and doing things, regardless of how I felt. Normality returns when you carry on doing normal things. Go to work, socialise, go on holidays and take the anxiety along for the ride.
When freedom from anxiety came (it happened gradually with improvements often going unnoticed), there was nothing left to manage or the need to keep doing things to find relief and that was always my target. Just like I was before anxiety and how things are now.
Recovery is not exclusive to a few brave souls. Each and every one of us has what it takes to recover. You just need to know what to do to recover. Absolutely nothing.
Best wishes
Beevee
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Beevee
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I do ramble on a bit sometimes, trying to get the message across to those whose only issue is trying to cope with the symotoms of anxiety and placing too much belief in all the negative crap it generates. That crap won't be there when you recover so don't give it the respect it demands that keep the symptoms going!
It was a great and thorough post. very well written. it’s a challenge to accept things as they are for better or for worse, it can be overpowering with anxiety, especially if it’s new in your life. it’s natural to want to resolve or fix it which just perpetuates it.
Absolutely right about it being a challenge, especially during the early stages when you don't know what's happening to you and feeling very scared and bewildered by it all. This is why I always say recovery doesn't happen overnight and takes time to develop a different mindset towards the symptoms. That comes through knowledge and experience. It is a challenge that is entirely possible to overcome. You get better accepting it all and letting go, resulting in the symptoms fading away to nothing.
I always viewed anxiety as being attached to me and not part of me and impossible to separate. It simply withered away after I stopped feeding it.
...and if you don't already own a copy, read Essential Help for Your Nerves by Dr Claire Weekes. That booked saved my bacon and is the complete A to Z for anxiety and depression and how to overcome it through that mindset I keep banging on about!
I’ve been putting it off. I taught myself this acronym AWARE years ago. accept, welcome, allow the anxiety to be there then repeat, until it’s gone and it’s the end.
What do you mean by real techniques? If you are referring to things like deep breathing or anything that deliberately distracts, avoids or suppresses the symptoms, you will have to continually managè [put up with] anxiety. I didnt want that. I wanted to be free of it completely and not looking over my shoulder fearing its return.
Acceptance is not a technique. It's about allowing yourself to feel everything that anxiety throws at you and drawing its sting until it no longer matters. You lose your fear or intense dislike of the symptoms which is what keeps it coming back, because acceptance also creates the time and space for your mind and body to rest itself and to return to its natural peaceful setting.
You cannot get rid of anxiety if you are not prepared to feel it all willingly.
Techniques just manage anxiety. The by product of acceptance is complete freedom from anxiety so there is nothing left to manage. This is where I'm at.
Yes that helps. I guess I assumed that Weekes had techniques beyond my fumbling around with accepting welcoming and allowing. I appreciate the clarification of what im actually doing by acceptance.
And by my saying it’s natural to want to fix and resolve issues like anxiety, is putting ‘natural’ in a proper place because natural doesn’t mean it’s good, like brushing your teeth is not natural, but it’s learned and is most beneficial.
Nicely written. I have been told to thibk of feelings as waves. They come and go on their own. And i believe worrying about anxiety just compounds it. There is much to gain by accepting the feelings. Sometimes it is easier said than done when i an feeling so miserable it is all i can do to just endure until it goes away. But it may do me good to remeber my fear could be feeding the anxiety. Tweak my response and perhaps lessen the burden.Thank you
Think of how you respond when you have a bad cold. You feel rubbish but don't dwell too much about how you are feeling or worry over it and carry on with your day as best you can. You accept it. Accepting anxiety is no different.
Hi BeeVee, You have the Liver Bird as your profile picture and when you said fit as a Butchers Dog which is a Scouse expression I would like to know if you still live in Liverpool. I have suffered with depression for 30 years and try the technique you recommend but can’t do it. Going to seriously try again. 12 July in Liverpool when I was growing up in the 40s and 50 s was a big day when the Protestants walked through Liverpool with the Orange Lodge to get the train to Southport. Happy Memories even though I was a Catholic. Liverpool is still wonderful. X
Not from Liverpool but feels like my second home and visit that great city and its people throughout the year. Mainly for the footy [the Liver bird tells you where my allegiance lies] and kids at John Moores Uni.We also do the 12 pubs of Christmas in Liverpool every year with friends and family and a great way to kick off the festivities. My Dad grew up in Wirral.
By the way, acceptance isn't something you try or do. It's all about the attitude towards the symptoms when you are in the thick of it. Genuinely not caring about how you are feeling and letting those anxious thoughts go. Practice makes perfect and stops adding more stress to the equation and breaks the vicious cycle, allowing the mind and body to heal the way nature intends.
You just need to step aside from yourself and let that happen. Acceptance is the key to recovery.
Good point… I see it as “the ride”… in my particular case I’ve noticed the anxiety can be predictable/cyclical… morning depression, social anxiety and for some reason Thursday afternoon paranoia… not that I have accepted its existence, rather am studying it as it exists… you have good strength Beevee much respect 🫡 have a great rest of your summer ✌🏼🙏🏼
Thank you but no strength required other than knowlege and understanding which I gained from reading Dr Claire Weekes. The rest was all about applying that knowledge and developing a genuinely passive [not caring] attitude towards the symptons and making your life bigger than anxiety. Facing, accepting, floating past the symptoms and letting time pass because time is the healer.
Absolutely brilliant Beevee. Having suffered with CAD from the age of 13 ( now 75) I am currently ‘in remission’ I accept this happy state and enjoy it but also accept that when it next visits me I will not fear it but face it and not fight it.
Spot on Annie👍🏼Too many people are afraid of some harmless thoughts and feelings and stops them living their lives.
Anxiety is just one big bluff but you need to walk through that storm many times, mustering up as much acceptance as you can manage to figure that out and learn to let go ❤️
I need to access my inner child in order to calm my anxiety. Due to childhood trauma it's the little girl inside that was brought up in fear that is reacting with the anxiety part.
Once I access her and do the work I was taught to do I can calm myself and move on.
It's a bit of a different approach with PTSD but as long as we get the same outcome.... calming ourselves...we've reached the same goal
I’ve tried that approach but didn’t stick with it so my goal now is to do it consistently and as Beevee says not avoiding anything because of the anxiety but taking it with me.
Happy to do so and very pleased that you are on making real progress. The only way is up!I know I tend to go into detail and it's because I really struggled [or so my anxious brain kept telling me and I believed it] with the concept of acceptance so try and explain it as best I can in case others are struggling with the meaning.
In a nutshell it's about taking the anxiety with you and leading a normal life as if you didn't have anxiety, ignoring the anxious thoughts and feelings, no matter how loud they scream for attention.
Exactly! I’m glad you explain in different ways It’s difficult unless we hear the right wording that makes sense to each person individually so we can ‘get it’. I was really anxious when I had a friend over and it was very hard to step back and see it for what it was. I defidently need to get a better grasp on acceptance. I’ve been successful when having panic attacks and I just say to myself “yeah ok it’s just anxiety” and laugh about it trying to get me and it leaves me every time.
...and that is all there is to acceptance. You know what you are dealing with, you acknowledge its presence, you let it do its thing and be relaxed about that and then let it pass.❤️
For me, it’s easy to do when I’m alone. At a store or at home or while driving…But when I’m around people, especially for a long period of time I get overwhelmed and I haven’t been able to do what I need to do. I feel like I get very caught up with others’ stuff like emotions and words and feel so much at once. I will go off to get something to be alone for a while but even then I can’t seem to get to a place where I can accept , be with it, and let go when I know I am expected to be back socializing. Any suggestions? I take Paxil for social anxiety.
To my mind, social anxiety is no different to any other type of anxiety such as health anxiety, GAD, agoraphobia, PTSD or any phobia because it is all rooted in fear, or in lots of cases, fearing the feelings of fear. Have you always had social anxiety or did that develop over a period of time? I ask because my anxiety morphed from health anxiety to relationship anxiety and then to GAD but over time, I realised that the anxiety attached itself to anything that meant something to me but read it the wrong way and believed I did have health and relationship issues. I could so easily have also become withdrawn and stayed at home because I felt intense fear all day, every day. I had no option other than to face each day and do the best I could through gritted teeth.
It could be that you have associated your anxiety with social situations and it's snowballed from there because of a misplaced belief, when in fact, nothing could be further from the truth.
When i had relationship anxiety, i deliberately put myself in the firing line to trigger the thoughts and feelings and let it be there. The more i did it, the more my anxious response diminished. Good old fashioned exposure to fear did the trick, letting the thoughts and feelings wash over me and will work in any anxiety triggering situation, including intrusive thoughts.
Ok awesome! Thank you so much! I isolate a lot now. So this will be my new challenge- whenever I get a chance to venture out and face fears related to social situations, I will do just what I did with all the other anxiety/fears I’ve worked on.
Social anxiety has been with me off and on my whole life. As a young child I was so scared to speak up that I wouldn’t answer in class. Sometimes when I tried to speak the words wouldn’t come. In 7th grade I memorized a poem to recite in front of a classroom and I did great because I was really into the poem and from there my troubles were gone, school was cool. But in more recent years I have had times of loving to be social and then it switches to being scared. I guess it’s fear of feeling embarrassed and awkward. And of fear of rejection. Now that I wrote it out it seems there is really nothing to fear because “So what?!” what’s the worst that could happen? You know?
"So what!?" is exactly the right attitude to have. Feel the fear and do it any way! 💪🏼Don't wait for good days to venture out. Your brain will only learn new responses when doing things that fill you with dread. Go towards those triggers and not shy away from them! Anxiety thrives on avoidance so do the opposite! You won't go far wrong. ❤️
Thank you for sharing. I noticed I had so many thoughts about how "I can't even do that" while reading about you biking for miles, swimming, and doing other physical things...even though I have done those things at various points in my life (caught you lying again, brain - nice try) even if disjointed. However, while depressed, I can hardly seem to get myself out of bed. Did you have a similar experience with depression or were you able to still do everyday things? Why or why not do you think?
Yes, there were plenty of days where everything was a complete chore, zero motivation, feelings of hopelessness but forced myself to move, literally pointing my body at the day ahead and taking one step at a time. I took myself back to work because anxiety and depression hate being ignored and gave me the opportunity to try and focus on other things instead of how I was feeling. It was a struggle but things slowly improved and the symptoms lessened in intensity. The anxious thoughts melted away but the nervousness lingered on for longer [on waking] but by that time, I truly was past caring how I felt.
What helped me was a single passage I read in a book, probably by Dr Weekes, and along the lines of still finding the energy to escape a house fire if the alarm sounded, proving that the symptoms of anxiety and depression are a bluff and not to give them any respect.
Good to know! I am finally applying thought work (CBT + mindfulness framework) on my own and working on exactly that: allowing the feelings instead of fearing them, for fear (and its resistance, actually) is the worst enemy (kind of ironic given fear is an emotion but like I said, it's the resistance that seems to be actively harmful). Letting in and letting go can manifest in so many ways - and doesn't "feel" as expected! Neither good nor bad.
Did you find yourself getting less "done" on the days that were more devoid of motivation and/or energy? Were you on medication or any other treatment if you're willing to share?
You are right on the money about what resistance to anxiety does and is the very reason people continue to suffer. To recover, people must give up the fight and surrender completely to anxiety. To let go.I started off with medication but just made things worse so took myself off them. I then discovered Dr Claire Weekes self help books and recovered without medication by following her teachings in full. I accepted my suffering and came through it all. I did have diazepam for the times I felt I really needed it, for "emergencies." They are all still in a drawer somewhere 😂 because medication just masks the symptoms, They don't cure fear. You have to do that yourself.
There were times I wasn't productive, going through the motions at work, mainly because I was in such a frightened state most of the time. I couldn't concentrate because anxiety was suffocating, pressed right up against my face and seemingly no way out. I wanted to hide away but forced myself to function. I remember many occasions walking out the front door wondering how the hell I was going to get through the day...but I did and kept on doing it because I knew that I had to keep going.
I did take time off work because I thought that was adding to my stress levels but then took myself back again because I was avoiding the feelings! Things gradually improved. A lot!
Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) has been the game changer for me. Steven Hayes is the founder of this CBT model and also developed Process Based Therapy (PBT) alongside it.
It's been the #1 most effective therapy for making permanent effective lasting changes in my behavior.
Everything you say is 100% true. I'm going through this transformation now and it's really weird to be experiencing both worlds as I'm leaving the old habits behind. It's almost like my lifetime of various dysfunctional coping strategies are melting away, layer by layer. Everytime I get triggered, my responses become less and less reactive and more and more cultivated but not necessarily calculated. The severity of my anxiety has improved dramatically and I see no reason why it's not going to disappear as my journey deepens.
This post was brilliant and beautifully truthful.
Nothing outside ourselves will cure us from anxiety. The only way out, is to go THROUGH !!
I've read and love Paul David's website and history at your advice sometime within the past year. Dr Weekes is, and remains, a mainstay in anxiety recovery. They are pillars of success with treating millions of people struggling with unremitting cycles of anxiety and depression.
I'm a huge advocate of Dennis simsek, The Anxiety Guy, on YouTube. His fundamentals are rooted in Buddhism ideals and practices, which resonate with me deeply.
Thank you, I'm looking forward to you lending me your opinion on the DNOTS Article...it's fascinating.
It is fascinating and see lots of similarities to Dr Weekes' 4 principles of Facing, Accepting, Floating Past and Letting Time Pass and recognising that recovery is not linear, meaning there will be setbacks.
In fact, its the same message but told differently!
I skimmed through and made a note of the following and how it translates to Dr Weekes' teachings.
Dark Night of the Senses: Problem, Sorrow, Guilt, Disgrace or other Trauma [physical or mental] that triggers the onset of anxiety/depression. Dr Weekes makes reference to feeling bewildered by the symptoms.
Dark Night of the Spirit: Facing those fears, learning to observe the thoughts and feelings, instead of engaging with them, accepting the content and letting go.
Whilst going through my relationship anxiety phase, I found another website called Conscious Transitions that was spiritual in nature but fathomed the principles of recovery were the same too, reinforcing my suspicion that I was on the right track.
Admittedly, I don't think I'm very spiritual [I got myself into this shit show so it was up to me to get myself out of it] but the journey to recovery was most enlightening and an experience that, although challenging, was very rewarding. I uncovered sides to me that I never knew existed and been left untapped until anxiety came calling, including having an inner strength and resilience. We all have it, some just don't know it yet.
We are the lucky ones because we now have a deep understanding that thoughts and feelings are random and no reflection of reality or who we are and can choose what to keep and what to disregard [all the bullshit created by an anxious mind].
I know Paul David practised Buddhism but I figured I didn't need to do anything knowingly spiritual because I took the view that if I didnt do any of that stuff before I got extremely anxious, why now? The same applied to lots of other stuff I read to help recovery e.g. keeping a journal of thoughts etc. I kept admin to the absolute minimum 🤣
Whatever philosophies a person believes in, recovery from anxiety is inevitable if it includes acceptance.
Hi Beevee. Your posts are so helpful. Thanks so much for your dedication to others struggling. I have read both Claire Weekes and Paul David. My main problem is I am retired and apart from walking dog, house stuff and occasional social I have a lot of time on my hands. I don’t have the energy to keep on the go. Do you think I will ever get better if I am not out and about every minute? That is my biggest fear. I think I am having a setback right now and feel terrible and all I want to do is stay at home. Thanks for your honest advice.
Acceptance [recovery is a by product of this] is all about the attitude you have towards the symptoms.
Allowing all symptoms to be there, observing the fears conjured up by your anxious mind and not doing anything ,not engaging with them [i.e. dont give those fears the respect they demand which keeps them coming] and letting them go.
As such, you don't need to keep busy to practice acceptance. Think of anxiety as negative energy that needs to escape, needs to be released without resistance and how recovery works. Sufferers unwittingly prolong recovery by stressing about the symptoms.
By all means go and walk your dog, do normal things but you don't bust a gut with the intention of deliberately distracting yourself from the symptoms.
Finally, you will recover if your only struggle/worry/fear is the anxiety symptoms. That was me and the most common reason why people stay trapped in the fear-adrenalin-fear cycle.
Anxiety is great at making up problems that wouldn't exist if you didn't have anxiety so learn to accept it all, including those setbacks. They are a yardstick to show how far you have travelled along that road to recovery and of no great importance.
If there is a particular problem making you feel anxious or exacerbating the symptoms [e.g. family matters] that will need to be addressed first to your satisfaction so you don't keep worrying about it and topping up your anxiety.
Hi Beevee, I'd love to talk with you personally. I'm in a situation where I've been through a lot of coping with anxiety, panic attacks and so on. I think I'm getting closer to recovery but there are still some things, some unresolved questions. I think you could help me.
- What do you do when you get thoughts that could lead to a panic attack?
- How long did it take to recover (I'm not sure if I'm on the right path namely).
- I'm still nervous in some situations and don't know how to calm down.
Your post was like you wrote it for me! I have never been on a support group online. That saying there is nothing to fear but fear itself, is it for me. I thank you for your post. It helps to know I am not alone.
Excellent excellent , all true, thank you for this. You write well and should post this somewhere where there is a large audience. Many could benefit . Take care and keep writing.
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