I’m so depressed and it takes all I have to hang out with my family and not be irritable. I get triggered around people and when I’m alone too. I spend a lot of time alone now.
I hate how I feel, how I act, myself. I wish I would die. I feel ashamed that I could want to leave my beautiful amazing children. I just am in so much pain all the time. I can’t keep doing it.
I talk to my therapist once a week for 30 minutes. It helps. I could call her now but I’m afraid. Last talk I told her I wanted to die, say, when I get older and start to get Alzheimer’s or something, like if my kids were not around and really didn’t need me anymore maybe but I’d still feel it’s a very awful thing to do. I think to myself I could take risks here and there so I might die in an accident or something but how much better will that be for the ones I leave? I’m just in too much pain to handle things right now. I am actually trying to do all the things I can to try to help my situation but I’m so exhausted emotionally, physically,... just done, you know!?
If I go into crisis care I would spread the virus to my family and my two kids have bad asthma and my parents are elderly so it’s not something I want to do and besides I don’t think it would help this time anyway. I keep thinking how can I stop this deep sadness, this wild anxiety , terrible thoughts, this thing that I am that I try not to be. The pain is too much today. I hugged my kids just now as I cry and they give me a pep talk. I’m glad they are doing well but I feel like I need to be stronger than this... trying my best... So I guess that’s all I can do... or could I push myself more, or lay off myself more? Maybe this is not my best. I still want to die. I’d say Is it all my fault? How come I have to live like this? I’m so angry. I’m trying to come up with something to lift me a bit. It seems I can’t right now. So I will sit with it all, listen to it all, without fighting; no more struggle just letting myself be in all the pain that comes to and from me. Wish me luck.
Written by
Starrlight
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
I am absolutely resonating with this, it’s tough to keep,strong, but we must darling, this world is a crazy mess , and people like us are really suffering, I keep, looking fir help mechanisms, It’s tough when you are alone, as I am, I crave people and company, and hugs 🤗, I am here fir you anytime xxx
((((((((((((((((((((((Big hug)))))))))))))))))))Almost all I can think of is wanting a way out of living. I’m sorry you are having trouble like me,... we are intuitive, sensitive I think.
I have tried in the past when I lost my son, through my family - adoption process, then I got cancer of the cervix , and couldn’t have any more children, but then he came back into my life 15 years ago, so it worked out, I have known a lot of people who have done it, I am not sure if I am brave enough now, as I know the hurt it leaves behind, how would your children feel, It’s a tough call xxx remember I love you 😍
Love to you ❤️ So you lost your son but you still managed to stay in life and are you very glad you stayed so you could see your son again and for other reasons? Believe me I feel like complete shit that I am considering because it would be one of the worst things I could do to the people who deserve to be happy. Just because I’m miserable doesn’t mean I can leave others in a hell on earth. My brother hung himself. It ruined me in ways. I don’t want to be like him but my mind keeps thinking it’s an idea that could help me escape my hell.
Hey Starrlight, I’m really sorry you’re going through this..depression sucks. I’ve found it hard to hang out with anyone because I feel like they wouldn’t want to be around someone so sad all of the time but turns out there’s so many people who care and I hope you realize that. Being a parent seems hard but I mean you’re doing it and you’re doing a pretty great job! Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your children need you ❤️ Hugs 🤗 hope you feel better soon!
People make me anxious or I make myself anxious around people. I’m so jumpy. I need to chill and seems when I get a break from anxiety I am depressed and right now I am both.
Thank you for saying I’m doing a good job as a mom. I put my all into it. Even so today I feel my failures so deeply.
I am the same way! I can’t be around people for long but I am doing my best to push myself and expose myself in situations like that because i’ve found the more i avoid it the worse it is.
I made it outside. I’m watching my kids play in the yard. They have a remote control car and ramps in the driveway. The birds are chirping. I still want out of this life and for that I find myself repulsive.
Have a look at Lifetools.com online, ive just bought a mind lab, machine ! works with light and frequency, meditation relaxation etc, over 70 sessions on it ! they say frequency therapy is the next medicine ! Ray.
I hear you. You are in that deep, dark pain that seems to swallow you up. You want it all to stop, and you are tired of fighting. I get you. I go to this place often. It can be so hard because when my mood swings back up I swear I'll never hit that deep, dark place again. But then something triggers a change, and I plummet to the depths again. When I hit bottom my resolution that it can never get better is just as strong, if not stronger, as when I was on top of my game and swearing I'd never hit bottom again. I know what you mean about worrying about going in the hospital right now with the fear of getting sick. I was in a very dark place a week ago and probably could have used a little respite (as my therapist calls it) in the hospital. I was trying to figure out how to end things. It's taken me a long time to really hear my therapist and believe that things can get better, but I do know that I have more up times now than I ever did before. I am learning to see the worth in me and my life (this is huge because I've never seen the world through the eyes of self-worth). I have learned that asking my therapist for help is okay and good. I even am seeing some value in sharing my struggles with a few people who are close to me (again, huge because I don't have a lot of "close" people I trust in my life). But the biggest thing recently is beginning to believe in the idea (my therapist would say fact) that for every down there will be an up, even if it's not a big up, it is an up. For every time I feel like it is the end of my world, there comes a time when I feel like I can handle my day and maybe even feel content, happy, or proud (of myself which is a biggie). The greatest gifts my therapist has given me is the validation that there are darn good reasons why I suffer with some pretty tough stuff, the fact that he really listens to me, he says over and over that I have good stuff to offer the world, and that he patiently waits and lets me work through things in the time it takes me to work through them.
It's hard, but there will be an up, so ride out the storm and just keep moving even when you feel you can't. Take time outs. You deserve them and need them. Remember, you have a lot of darn good reasons for your struggles and there are a lot of darn good reasons for you to be a part of this world. One of them, is that I feel like I have found someone who struggles with those deep, dark moments like I do. I was in the dark. I wanted to quit. Today, the sun is out. Is much as I don't want to go there again, I know that I probably will. But with each step I take further in my therapy, the dark days are shorter and the light days are more often.
Keep writing. Keep moving. I'm listening and I care.
Bootsy2 you get it. It did cross my mind today that dark and bright come in waves yet even so I feel I just am finished going through the crashes and burnings of the hell I go through and even when it’s bright I’m still all wrong... maybe I could work on that in therapy. But right now I’d rather die. I keep thinking of my kids faces which is why I can’t do it yet. I am frustrated that they love and need me. I know that sounds messed up but that’s where I am. I feel so much guilt for it but can’t seem to stop thinking of how to get out.
I thought i was feeling down until i read your plea for help tonight.
I'm sure you want help & reassurance or you wouldn't be writing here.
Think about what the majority of people are facing at this time...
Who of us does not need to work on our coping skills and yes, endurance?
In order to face life’s ongoing trials we truly need the kind of determination, patience, and inner peace that only God can give us.
With His help we can fight despair and hold on to hope.
If only we could gently wipe tears from your face. Or, give you a real hug.
If God is real to you, you'll feel His spirit lift you. How refreshing that is...
If you haven't experienced His loving tenderness, you can pray to find Him.
We may feel abandoned, but feelings are misleading. He gave us free will to choose Him as a Friend but will never force us into a relationship with Him.
... We are talking about you here. You and your life are most important. You come before anything else, even this virus. You are not loving yourself, or putting yourself first. That can be difficult to do, but you must.
You need to be safe. That is paramount because you know what you are thinking can not be undone and you do not want to ruin or hurt anyone, especially not your kids, as you say your bro did to you.
Do not be afraid to call your therapist. You are in a crisis and she would want you to be honest and call her even though that is difficult for you to do. If she can not be available then call someone else. If you feel your therapist can be helpful, then ask her if you can see her more often for a while. 30 min is not very long. You have a lot of feelings to work through. Unfortunately that will take time. However, you do not have to solve or decide on anything immediately. It is hard, but try to compartmentalize and live in the moment.
What you do need is support and someone to help you just hold on to those feelings for now instead of directing them inward toward yourself. They do not belong there at all. It is not your fault. Please think and slowly work on what is going on. It says something about the other person not you. The situation you are in does not have to be resolved immediately, and I realize how hard it is to just sit with those feelings for now. You sounded disappointed and angry that you were let down and hurt. I can see why you would want to escape and get away from those feelings by damaging yourself but that can not be an option.
The angry feelings do not belong with you. You are a bright, wonderful person and loving mother. None of us are perfect so why do you feel so unworthy of love for yourself and respect for your feelings. You have every right to feel what you feel. I hope you can understand and accept how you feel. They are valid feelings because they are your feelings.
I get how painful it is when we feel we have been let dow and can not get love and support from people who have been important to us. These can be extremely difficult and painful feelings to handle. I can see why you would want to escape from them. But the failure is not with you. I think instead of holding on to your own feelings, you are directing those feelings toward yourself. Do not let yourself do that. It is not right and it does absolutely no good.
Slow down, take a break, be kind to yourself. Try to live in the moment. You can get a handle on this with help. So hold on and make sure you get the professional help and support you need.
Try to do something nice for yourself. Spend your alone me time on yourself, no matter if you want to cry, go on line, call someone, read about things, or watch a movie. Give yourself some credit. Be strong and help yourself get well because you are worth a great deal to yourself and other people and people do love you.
I feel like you get so much of my feelings, why I am how I am. I’m so angry at some and I take it inward.
I called my therapist yesterday and she gave me the crisis intervention team number in case I need it. I am taking a break from teaching my kids. I read about the major branches of psychology since they are interested in this. Now we have picked personality psychology, and will study it and use it. It’s a good distraction for me today.
I’m not strong enough to keep this up but my family has bad asthma and are elderly and I can’t put them at risk so I think maybe no crisis care. Plus my husband works every day morning to evening so who would watch my kids thegg ugh are young. Plus I’ve been using benzos and if I go to the center for crises I won’t be able to take them. It’s bad enough living even while taking them to help me. If I want to die no crisis center will stop me but only postpone it.. these are my thoughts... the very last thing I want to do is hurt my children so I can’t kill myself but that’s all I think about now. It’s too painful to feel how I feel. I watch my thoughts and try to be positive but there’s just way more to it that that though it sounds simple it’s not.
I’m just trying to find things to help distract and get through without hurting myself today. I am hating myself right now. So it’s hard to just be with it all. I hate myself for wanting to die I hate myself for who I am.
I realize if I think I’m actually about to do it, I need to go for help but once I reach that place I do t know, I might not be able to reach out do it is very scary.
I am sorry. I did not mean to imply that what you are facing was at all simple. I have no way of knowing all that is going on with you and all the difficulties you may face resolving things. I am glad you can accept the anger you have towards certain people and can keep yourself from taking it out on yourself. I am sure it is quite complicated. I never thought otherwise.
Have you ever seen the Netflix movie series Dead to Me. It is suppose to be a dark comedy. It is 2 seasons long. I am not sure it is the right movie for you. If you ever do watch it take it with a grain of salt. Most of us do not act on our impulses. They do a lot of wrong things in this and all kinds of and so many things happen. It is about these two very angry yet sad ( justifiably so ) women both who are/ were married. One has 2 young boys. I imagine the youngest son may remind you of your sweet kids. The other is 14 so he is sweet but he is very 14 !
You may be able to somewhat in some ways identify with these two women.
The person I am watching it with laughs much more then I do. I find myself feeling sad and somewhat horrified at times. But when someone fell in the pool last night, I finally did laugh. It is very over the top and getting funnier. Note, I often watch crime and detective shows so I am somewhat immune to most bad things people do.
Well, It does sound like you have found some ways to divert yourself plus take a break from teaching your kids.
Psychology is very interesting, I agree.
I hear you about the benzos too. That is a complication. And you are right if someone wants to kill themselves they will do it no matter if they call a crisis center or not. I just hope you never do.
As always, I sincerely am rooting for you and wish you well.
Thanks for being here. I appreciate you. Funny you mention that show Dead To Me because I have been watching it. I am in such a pit now I have to somehow figure out how to get to a crisis center but part of me thinks it may make it worse. I’m off to call my therapist and will talk to my psychiatrist later this evening. I think I need a med change.
Star, good luck today with all that. I hope that your therapist has some suggestions and that she helps you make the best decision regarding the crises center. I hear your concern about the crisis Ctr. making you worse. I am not very familiar with those. I don’t have any answers except that only you can make that decision. I do know that it is so damn hard when you are in a pit to even make a move in the right direction, and it seems that you are already doing that
I’m glad too that you will be talking to your psychiatrist later also. Perhaps a change of meds will give you some hope, help, and the needed support in order for you to move out of that pit you are in. Meds should take the edge off, keep you on a more even keel, and make the pain a bit easier to deal with. Remember what everyone says... take baby steps, and feel good about every single little step you take. Try to be patient with and kind to yourself.
You jog right? I would jog and think and it helped me deal with my anger. Getting those endorphins up may help.,
So congratulate yourself for being proactive in taking care of your own needs. I am proud of you. It takes a lot of courage sometimes to make sure you get what you need and sometimes it can be a constant battle. The first time I wrote in here was because I got myself in a pit when my husband did not come through for me. I felt I had absolutely no right to even be angry. I did not even recognize my anger !
I am so glad you were already watching Dead to Me. I am relieved because I was questioning my judgement in mentioning it to you. I finally laughed at the pool scene at the house. You will see.
Someone remarked that both women seem a bit ditzy sometimes, but I said they both have good basic instincts about people although complicated by the spouses they loved ( and of course by predicaments they get involved in). But it is a t v show ! Really I think they are both doing o k, functioning, especially considering their worlds are caving in and changing.
Honestly, I would probably have a tough time getting my shoes on the right feet !
You deserve to feel better about yourself and your life. You don't have to suffer alone or in silence. People want to know your story and they want you to heal. You deserve to be here!!
Have you also tried online services where you can talk to a therapist more often, like Betterhelp?
True. I’ll be in crisis care for about a week and my husband will be with them. I just need to get better and do everything I can to be me , a majorly healing me, not try so hard to be what I think I should be, I pray I hope I can get better. I feel so down low. I don’t know how I would jeopardize the relationship with my kids now that I am seeking help, that’s so scary to think about... we’ll thanks for caring.
I hope this finds you well today. I want you to know you are not alone. I spent 25 years feeling like this. I wanted to end it every day. Tried a couple times, but God kept me going. I couldn’t see past my pain. My pain was from abuse as a child and it took years to work through but I can promise you this...there is hope! Yes it takes work and work can be painful but the victory is freedom from the self loathing, the emptiness, the lostness, the fear. I have been free for over ten years, I am not bragging only trying to provide you with hope. Because I know what it is like to live each do not seeing beauty, not seeing significance or purpose. Don’t stop fighting. Let Jesus fight with you. I am praying for you and if you need help finding out more info try thehopeline.com they have a bunch of really good resources on depression. -Rachel
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Worrier...
