Should I better die?! : I had an awful... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Should I better die?!

deea21
deea21
17 Replies

I had an awful meltdown today. My outside world is affected or I finally understood that. It's hard to be a mother, to be a wife to a husband who doesn't care. It's hard to work and smile all the time when you soul feels like exploding and all the demons inside which blows all the sensations through the body need to be kept under control. I thought today so much to kill myself and I even made the perfect plan, but unfortunately I can't even die because there is no one who can take my son from school. I fee my son doesn't love me anymore because he sees me the way I am and he doesn't stay around me. Sometimes I think would be better for everyone. I'm not sure how much I will manage to go on with this life and sometimes I feel they just want to make us robots to think like them and feel like them, but we aren't the same. Maybe we breath the same air, but surely have a different view about life and what living our days become to sadistic for some of us who still need feelings, not just materialistic touchable things. So in the end, I don't find not even a small wire to take it in my hand and try to dream again about something new and beautiful. I'm doomed forever !

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Dell79

Hi! I just want to let you know that I know exactly what you are going through and you are not alone. I wish I can tell you that it will get better but this will never happen unless you decide so. I came to understand that we can’t rely on something or somebody else to change the way we feel about our own life experience. We are all alone. I wish I could make you feel better. When we become mothers we discover real love and we start to realize the lack of it in the world. I am sure you are a wonderful person otherwise you could not feel the way you feel right now. Please find the strength to pass this moment and and know that you have the power to be, feel and experience whatever you want to. It is your life and you have the right to be happy.

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Pacobusta1970

Hi deea21

It has been 4 hours since you posted this message i hope you are feeling much better by now

Nobody deserves to die and no child deserves to live without his beloved mom for the rest of his life.

We all know how you feel and we would like to do everything possible to make you feel better

My self have been dealing with panic attacks and anxiety for nearly 16 years but I haven’t give up,do you know why?

Because i love my self and i love my life and because I have a wonderful daughter just like you have a wonderful son,im sure you love him the same way i love my daughter.

I encourage you to keep fighting with your thoughts you have too many reasons to not do it

You are the only one who can overcome this ugly thoughts on your mind.YOU CAN DO IT” i know you can do it, i am doing it

And you are not different than i am

Please ask us questions please do not feel alone because you are not alone we care for you we are your family and we need you alive just like your son does.

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deea21

I'm still here, my heart beats in the same slow way . I can't even die and that's the hardest part. I had depression since I was 14 . I talked with so many therapists that I know how to ask myself question why I'm sad. But in the end, even if I answer myself, I still can't go on. Sometimes we feel like we are at the end, we live like ghosts but we don't take part anymore from living people. I'm trying to breath everyday and smile for my kid , but I think he deserves more than a mother like me . I'm useless. It feels so bad to try to live when all you wish is to disappear. Thank you for your help and beautiful words, you are great people, I'm sorry you need to meet someone like me .

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Hopeful-Tinkerbell

We are almost all like you! We love you more because we understand! I am existing but not living. I gave you advice. Easier said than done! Those who can’t, teach! God made you his mom for a reason. I think my son is caring and empathic. He got that from having to be around me, and that’s a very positive trait. Communicate your feelings to your spouse. If he doesn’t want to be a part of the solution he is only part of the problem. Ask him if he wants to be. If not you have your answer. My husband is so negative etc that the minute he walks in I can feel the anxiety mount. I care I just don’t have the motivation to fix it. I know if he didn’t come in hateful then I wouldn’t feel horrible about it. One less thing. Live! You aren’t. You are existing. Try finding something you like. Journal. Be your own best advocate. But you need help. I joined a meet up group once. We went bowling or to a movie dinner etc. It was woman wanting to get out and have fun. I loved it. Then we moved to the country. Middle of no where an hour and a half away and I’m right back where I started. Try taking walks. Your son could come. Exercise is good for everything especially mental health! Just breathe in that cool crisp air and don’t forget to stop and smell the roses. The beauty of fall is amazing. Idle minds breed evil thoughts. So get active. Don’t accept a life like this! Change it. The only person you can change is you. By doing that you can change how others feel about you.

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deea21

I am the same. I try to help more others than myself. But lately it's hard to even go outside the house. My kid it's 8. He's autistic. I found out when he was 2 and I worked a lot with him to recover, not heal. Now he's great but I fee like I'm not good enough for him. He's an amazing perfect kid. With my husband I have a relationship since I was 13. I don't like divorce. I think things can be resolved if both parts want to, of corse I'm not talking about abusive relationships. We try to communicate, but we end up fighting. I'm not sure if I'm the problem or not , but mostly I think I am because I'm always accusing him of something. I don't trust him and I need to see his phone and think he's cheating and I dial some girls from his school and he got angry and now I'm not allowed to have access on his phone. Ah...maybe I'm just stupid.

A hobby...I don't know I like anymore anything... I try but nothing seems to be good enough to take my mood away .

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Hopeful-Tinkerbell

Do you have a reason not to trust him? If you are both willing to work on it that is always the answer! You have to be willing. You have to bring your whole to the relationship. He does as well. 2 halves do not make a whole in a relationship. 2 wholes make a whole. If he completes you then you are not a whole person. I hope that makes sense. If you are bringing your Best and with mental Illness which is a disease just like cancer or heart disease your Best may differ from others that’s true regardless and he is bringing his best only then can you make a permanent decision I feel. Make sure your lack of trust is warranted. Anxiety can cause us to see things with a distorted perception at times. Your kindness is rare to me also but I truly appreciate it. I’ve been told I’m too kind. To my own disadvantage. A gave a very nice person and his daughter a ride home. They robbed me of 190.00 which was every dime I had. My husband is a bully. My son although very loving also knows how to play me. Not necessarily in a really bad way way but I’m too nice and he is spoiled and lazy. I get taken advantage of frequently. You know what I still choose kindness. I would hate myself if I thought I was mean to people. Nice guys finish last is the saying. We may have people who take advantage or put us down or use us but I don’t believe that. If feels so bad but I believe that my reward even if just the peace to know I was nice is coming! I’m actually too trusting. My husband just told me last night that he just doesn’t care anymore and he doesn’t like being with me because of how I act. When I asked him how he wanted me to act it was more about how I don’t act. My depression, anxiety etc keeps me from doing much. That is true. I care but I don’t have the motivation to fix it. I just sit here and do nothing. My energy is contagious to him and his me! So it’s a viscous cycle. We discussed it last night. Mostly he fussed about it and I cried but I can’t argue with it. Sometimes it’s not what he says it his delivery and frame of mind when he says it. He likes to preach to me about God while he is beyond drunk. Sorry but I shut down and don’t listen. Seeing him in that condition so much has made me lose all respect for him. I think repairing your relationship and feeling loved would improve your well being so much. You are not alone though! I feel sometimes like I’m in limbo waiting to get the motivation to act on my feelings and try to repair or end things. I will always choose repair first. I just know I need to change and bring my best self before I can expect him to and vice versa. It is a cycle we have gotten into. We just need one of us to take that step to resolve things before it’s too late. It may be but I just sit and do nothing. I don’t want to it just happens to be at the time all I can do. I’m numb and hurt all at the same time. I think our meds can do that. I need to feel but not too much. I can’t handle that either. These cycles I tell you are brutal. You just made me feel good though so thank you very much. We all want them feel needed or loved or justified. For me since I couldn’t figure out what to do I got a menial job at a gas station deli one night a week. It’s hard but knowing they are counting on me to be there motivates me. Taking pride in my work. Regular customers that greet me with a smile or kind word and me doing the same. You get what you give. It gives me a small purpose in this messed up world and something for me! I don’t know if you work or not but even volunteering helping people can give you so much satisfaction. I am on here all the time! Your kindness means so much! Have a blessed day!

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deea21

I'm 31 . I never worked and be payed in my life. Since I was 18 I was volunteer. Since I came to uk I've done the same thing. But it's hard... because I understand I do have a problem and I may say and think things that aren't true; I can't give up on my relationship. Kids our days are lazy and spoiled :D, but from time to time its good to remember that isn't the good way to succeed and help them understand life isn't easy and we can't get anything for free. It's good to hear you talked with your husband. Sometimes they are the ones who need help and a shoulder, even tho they think they are more stronger. But mentally, they aren't. You can imagine a man doing all the jobs inside the house and managing kids?! They need to come home and see us beautiful and smiling . I'm sure he cares, but maybe he doesn't know how to coupe with the problem. In the end it's the problem we have with ourselves. If we don't love us, who would?! I do have lack of motivation. That's a very big problem. Sometimes I try to wash and make myself beautiful even if I can't go out. I think we need to resolve ourselves to see how to manage with our relationships. I'm happy to hear you have a job and go there. I do volunteer because I'm doing college again and I need 2 full days to work, but sometimes I go there in front of the job and I can't even get out of the car. Shawny maybe together we can go through it. It makes me hope a bit ...

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Windy101

I'm not sorry to meet someone like you, I'm glad! I've had the same feelings you're talking about. Every time someone here reaches out, they not only help themselves, they help everyone else by reminding them they are not alone.

I know that right now you're feeling overhwhelmed with very intense feelings, but things can get better. I'm a mom too. My daughter went through phases when all she wanted was to be with me and when she couldn't stand me. Now she is grown and we are close! We got through it and you can, too.

The truth is: you feel so terrible right now that the only cure seems to be to take your life. But it's not. Are you in any kind of treatment now? Are you taking medication? Have you talked to a doctor about how you're feeling?

Suicide is not the answer. No son wants his mother to do this, no matter how he might act. It is something that will affect your family for generations. Please do not do this to them when it is possible for you to feel better.

All you have to do right now is stay alive. Keep breathing. Call a hotline and get some help. You can get through this.

I've been right where you are and there are so many good things in my life I would have missed. Stay alive today and get some help. And please keep posting here. You're not alone, and now you have a whole new group of friends who care.

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deea21

Hi Windy101 . It's nice to hear that there are people who were in this missable situation like I am and they passed the moment. You are a very strong person. I don't know what to say about helpline, I don't trust anyone. I was at GP and they gave me fluoxetine. I never tell the truth because if I will live, they could take my kid and that's all I have. I don't even know what I want. Maybe I'm too coward to take any path. In few days I will start CBT and hopefully a psychotherapy with Someone online . Because I'm foreign I think it's helpful to talk with a specialist with the same nation because it's so hard to talk about what you feel and open up, but in another Language no matter how much you know it , it's very difficult. I just hope I will recover. I was like this almost all my life, but now I'm worse than ever.

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Hopeful-Tinkerbell

Please understand that you are not alone. My husband can’t stand being around me and my son stays away because it gets on his nerves. Does my son love me? Absolutely! Energy is contagious. He can feel it. Plus kids don’t want to be stuck up their parents butt. I’m not sure how old he is but he is trying to find himself to in this world. That does get better. We are all unique. No two people are exactly alike. Even twins. Our uniqueness is what makes us beautiful. It makes this world what it is. Some people do not like that. I call those people racist pigs. That’s not just for skin color. I understand feeling alone. I do feel that way a lot. Actually though none of us truly are. We have doctors, therapists, family or friends. There are health agencies as well. If you are being mistreated only you can change that. Do not let someone else steal your joy. We have to control our own happiness. If someone else does then they can choose to not let you have any. This can of course be easier said than done when living with someone who is abusive. Mentally or physically. I hope you are getting treatment for your mental troubles. You need to take a stand and choose to change what you are not happy about. If you change your surrounding or triggers you can change how you feel. It’s all easier said than done. You could possibly try to talk to your son about you being ill. Age appropriate of course. Everyone though can understand. If you are sick it is a sickness. If you have the flu you have symptoms. This is no different. Your son does NEED you! You are needed! You are worthy! You are loved! He may be scared or not understand. Kids love their parents. I try to draw strength from my son. If he is nervous around you then you can feel that. All energy is contagious. That’s hard but try to stand taller. You are the mom. Let him know you are sick but you love him so very much! Do not give your husband the power to steal your joy. Stand up for yourself. Change the things you can and learn to accept the things you can’t! Hard but worth it. You can get help for that! Never make permanent decisions over a temporary situation! That’s important. Your son does need you! Not just to pick him up from school either. Trust me! I’m here if you need to talk. I truly know what you are going through. I am saying a prayer for you now! Take control of your situation. If your husband doesn’t like it he can always leave. We can’t control everything but we can control a lot! Little changes that will all help the overall well being. I’m processing that right now.

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deea21

It's the first time in 10 years when I feel that I have someone next to me. My husband it's not abusive, he just don't care. Thank you very much. Shawny89 there are not too many people who said nice words to me in my life. Usually I'm the subject of laughter of other people. It's hard to change the thinking. I'm doing meditation and mindfulness for a while but still doesn't work. It's hard to control what you think....

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Hidden
Hidden

Dear Deea21,

I wanted to reach out and say that I understand you and I know how hard it must be right now. I wish I could offer wise words but all I can say is that it will not always feel so difficult. You have to fight against the tide for a little while. It will be hard but it will be worth it. Take one moment at a time. Deep breaths. Tell yourself this "I am in control of my mind. I am in control of my life". Say it to yourself until one day you believe it. You are a beautiful woman. We will support you here through it :) Lots of love from Halfway across the planet

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deea21
deea21
in reply to Hidden

Thank you very much Purple_54. It feel good to see all this messages and people who I don't know them to really take their time to write me . It makes me cry .... and feel that a part of my sadness is going away with every tear. Thank every one of you. It's true that I do have days and days. Some are bad, truly awful and some I can manage. I hope Christmas and all the lights maybe would bring me some joy. Hope Father Christmas would bring me some a smile on my face. Kisses

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Jeannii

What good advice & thoughts from all who have contributed to this discussion. It's realistic without being SOPPY. I'm in my early 60's & have achieved everything myself !! I lived for a long time on promises made to me by husband & daughter etc & not one promise made hasbeen honoured. Maybe I belong to a different generation/era . I dodn't have to put signature to anything becos my word is my honour but that has gone out of fashion with the ARK . U can only REALLY depend on U , u come into the world yourself, u leave alone too . I have found several books written by Dr Weiss , a Scientist & docter who contracted Menengitis & was in a coma for 7 days & wasn't expected to pull thru. Duringthat time, he made connections & saw something ressembling answers to LIFE after DEATH & what happens to us ( a living soul that lives on or .........) I 'm unsure what to believe & though not religious I'm very spiritual & have seen "things" unexplainable by Science so is it merely wishful ????!! U have to have HOPE that tomorrow will be better & I think of all the wars fought in the world today from the Rohinyas to the Yemennies . The innoicent are caught in the X fire . Whilst we are BREXITING which to may Brits mean they choose England to have borders to stop the ??? coming in ( immaginary or solid walls are now being created in the guise of protecting the economy of this country ( secure English jobs for the English ) So in all , everything we do is down to £££££££££!! Little else matters so it seems ..............So with this in mind , is this the best way to protect yourself .

I find it very hard to just advise without converting it into action. C'mas is coming up & those of u who are alone,want company , warmth & some laughs & good food..........get in contact via email .

jeanniicolbourne@gmail.com

Let's put our heads together & do something constructive . Jxx

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horizonwatch

Sweetie - NO, it is NOT better to die. You are here for a reason -- we were all put here for a reason, and we were all each given our own individual gifts and it is our DUTY to use our gifts while we're here on this earth! Also the extreme damage that it would do to your son -- the terrible terrible trauma that it would cause him if you were to end your life! He would be scarred forever and you would deprive him of his one and only mother! You only feel negative and down about yourself because you were taught that growing up. It's not your fault that you feel that way! And now you can learn how to love yourself and to see your self-worth and that will make you a better mother. God WANTS you to be happy! Do the things that you enjoy and bring you joy. GET RID of toxic people from your life -- remove any people from your life that make you feel bad about yourself -- this is SO SO important!! YOU OWE it to your son to do the things in life that bring you joy and make you happy -- because then you are teaching HIM how to do the thinks that will make him happy as well!! God bless you -- start LOVING yourself and being kind and loving to yourself and you will teach your son this important lesson as well!!

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deea21
deea21
in reply to horizonwatch

Thank you very much for your kind words. You make me cry and smile and the same time. It’s really hard to move on and get on track with this life especially as a foreign. It’s not that easy to get rid from negative people from my life when I live with them. My life isn’t easy. I can’t say everyone it’s happy, I know I’m not unique. But sometimes I feel I can’t push this boat because the water is too high. Thanks for your advices. I know it’s true, but I feel everyday how I lose myself and at least here I can say everything I fell without being judged. It’s hard to see the beautiful part of life. Maybe I’m to perfection and I’m sad to understand that I’m 30 and nobody. I’m 30 and I can’t be an example to my kid. I’m old and no one. A none. An invisible...

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horizonwatch
horizonwatch
in reply to deea21

True that you can't always remove all the negative people in your life, but focus on what you CAN control. Like doing things that you enjoy doing -- you will meet new people that way. And if you have any people in your life like friends who make you feel bad about yourself -- cut them out, or just minimize contact. Change what you CAN. And since you are from another country -- go online to find other folks who live in your area who are from the same country as you, or at least find other people who came here from another country. That way you can feel that you're not alone and you can share experiences with them. And you're 30 years old..... that is SO YOUNG!!!! You have your whole life in front of you!! I'm in my 40s, so I know! Be patient and kind to yourself, because major change does not happen overnight -- it happens by taking small steps every day. And WHY would you call yourself a "nobody"?? By whose standards are you a "nobody"?? What, because you're not in a Hollywood movie or something?? By what standards makes someone not a "nobody"? You're not a "nobody" -- first of all, you're the mother of a precious, beautiful little boy. You're a caring human being with a big heart and you are able to give love to other people, to help other people, to brighten someone's day with a smile. Perhaps you can meet other people who are struggling who are from a different country and help them with their struggles -- just by listening to them, that is a big help. So start with this small step: Stop insulting and putting yourself down. Stop calling yourself a "nobody" and other insults -- instead, say: "I'm a human being, just as worthy as any other person and I was made by God just like all of us are. God gave me gifts and God has a plan for me." Be kind to yourself, and keep practicing that -- it takes time and practice everyday to learn how to be good to yourself. And when you are being kind to yourself, you'll be teaching your son such an important lesson -- how to be kind to himself!!! And also, you have taken an AWESOME step -- posting on this forum and reaching out for help. Praise yourself for doing that -- that takes courage to reach out for help, and good for you for taking that step of love towards yourself, that is awesome! :-)

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