I keep hurting myself. Physically and emotionally. Hurting myself then making myself feel more and more pain. I think it makes me stronger but also depressed. I can’t seem to accomplish my goals. I need more outlets other than nature running art writing talking like I’m done you know I think I need help. I’m tired of everything. I need an angel to lift up my weary soul and allow me to be finished here on this earth. Some people just have it. People look at them and think wow cool person sweet giving person you know cool what he did there that kind of thing, what I’m trying to say is I’m in my own little world and I can’t see anything good about me right and please do not tell me otherwise because I am not looking for compliments and won’t agree. I don’t want to get into how I have been hurting myself but I think I don’t respect myself enough. Things with me are bad. But hey that’s how good new chapters begin eh? I need to see a hawk fly by so it will tell me good things are coming. I’m a failure at so many things. I try so hard and give so much muscle energy love and care but maybe not so much of it goes to me. I feel suicidal. I just want to take some damn pills and rest. Forever. God but I’m soooooooooooo blessed with my amazing friends my most beautiful children and husband and I just am still wanting to die. But like I said maybe I will surprise myself and rise up high but how with what I don’t know I can’t talk to most anyone. I want to work on myself but I’m too busy giving to my family. I want to quit. And besides I don’t know how I’m needing to help myself exactly so maybe it’s time to go back to the basics and take a break at the crisis house. I was to be the queen of the household but right now I’m a maid. Basically I have my photos. The photos I take are my heart and my love comes out and into them. I wish I could take photos of some of you here. It would be beautiful. I think I need a trip to the crisis center wooohooo I think my kids will miss me and I will feel soooo guilty that they might worry and miss me but shit I can’t keep going for much longer I need a BREAK from doing my constant unimportant shit. Then something triggered me a lot actually in different ways. I just put my guard up. Now. I cannot take one more hard hit. NO MORE i may be able to see a brand new therapist on Friday and I’ll decide with her if I’ll go into a crisis help center to rest. I won’t go there so they can ensure I don’t off myself because I won’t do that. I will go so that I have no access to anything that I can use to make things worse. I’m packing a bag just Incase so I won’t put anyone out trying to gather my stuff for me when I decide to go. Summer. Good times and I’ll be locked up with a bunch of people who need help which could be quite triggering but whatever GOD I can’t even go in there without feeling guilty for caring for myself and having help. I know all there tools already I’ve spent time at the center like 4 times I won’t learn a huge amount well hopefully I’m wrong and I just want to change some things and it may be easier to do it there than here. I don’t have to worry about picking up the kids taking care of them cleaning up after fucking 7 people which I actually love love love to take care of my little guys but ya know that are growing up and really need me a lot less in ways now. ....but right now these real feelings are very intense and I need help rest a change something. Thanks for listening if you actually got through reading all this mess. Love to you all ❤️ I am grateful to have you to hear my cries. My voice. It makes me feel more real to have someone listen. And I will hear you too, any time. ❤️ Oh by the way the beetle is a friend of my 7 yr old his name is beetle.
What’s in my mind and how I hurt myse... - Anxiety and Depre...
What’s in my mind and how I hurt myself is annoying shit
Star my friend I am so sorry you are feeling so low. You sound very tired and fed up and I think it's because you are trying to do far too much. Stop pretending to be superwoman and allow yourself some me time please. Step back a bit and realise you are only human and need rest and relaxation as much as anyone else. You can't be all things to all people as it's not working for you is it.
Sending you lots of love and big fat hugs. (((((((((((Starrlight)))))))))) xx
Oh I love you so my friend. Thank you... I think you are so right on. ❤️
Love you too sweetheart. Start making some small changes. Get the members of your household to start doing more. The kids can wash up and do little jobs, your hubby certainly can and should be doing more.
Remember you don't have to cook every night as ready meals are fine sometimes. Or get a takeaway. Think of small ways to cut down on your workload and these will add up to big ones in time.
You are hurting enough at the moment Star so please don't punish yourself any more. You need to start nurturing yourself more so do this instead of self harming. Praise yourself for doing so well instead of punishing yourself because you are human.
More big fat hugs Bev xxx
Ok no more punishing. Haaaaa believe me I get on peoples case for picking up after themselves and I’m tired of that too.
Ok I will think of ways to ease the workload. Thank you that’s a good idea.
Haha big fat fatty hug for you too
Thank you. How about making the kids pocket money reliant on doing small chores such as picking up after themselves? And washing up? And how about that husband of yours? If he isn't pulling his weight don't wait on him or cook for him etc. Tell him you are too tired and if he wants you to look after him it's not going to happen until he looks after you more. x
Yeah they actually do a good amount I guess (the kids) and when I ask typically my hubby helps but it’s just not enough like I really can’t handle watching my mom much ...she is screaming and hallucinating and mean and things it’s just are lot for her to go through but I swear it bothers me more than it does her. I lost my mom. She’s pretty gone. It’s depressing and I get angry about it. And my dad is very very hard to be around period.
Starrlight, we each know when we need to get professional help and escape
our problems and start working on ourselves. I've done it myself, so I know what
I'm talking about. I wasn't suicidal but extremely overwhelmed. You can't help
yourself when you are surrounded by needy people. Guilt can't play a factor in
your decision. So you've been there before and know what it's all about, better
yet,. The structure alone is what I found so calming. No surprises. You may
find that you will learn something new this time around. You always
want to be able to walk in and not be carried in. Good Luck with your new therapist
on Friday. I hope she supports you in getting the help you need at this time.
You know that we are always here for each other. I want nothing more than to see
you find yourself again. Keeping you in my thoughts Starrlight. xx
You made me cry. In a relieving way. I needed to hear that guilt can’t play a factor. I have to put away others’ stuff and do what I need to do wether others get it or not. I’m too tired to explain to them I just want to go you know?
Great name for a beetle 😁
Haha 🤣 so true thanks for the laugh my friend ((((((((Hug)))))))
😂x
Step back darling, you are not all to everyone, if you don’t look after you, you are no good to anyone else. Sorry you are so low, what can you do to cheer yourself up, massage , etc? Find a way of treating yourself, can you get away for a night, ps Love Beetle, hello beetle xxx
Hehee hello beetle 🤣
Hi gorgeous one xxxx
Oh Star my heart goes out to you...oh how I feel every word you said....please hang in there...I just may see a hawk for you...this will pass for you...in the meantime please be oh so gentle and kind to yourself...you are so deserving of it...you're the backbone of the family, that's a lot of pressure...
I'm here for you and always will be...ya know I'm only a phone call away...any time of day or night...I'll be there for you....I love you so very much sis!
Dump trucks of love, peace, light, joy n hugs for you!!!
That dang GUILT thing!!! We think we deserve it. We think of all the ways we don’t measure up. To what? To our own expectations. To others. We are not perfect by a far cry! We want to be so much more. Stronger, happier, better-equipped. Dear me do I understand! But deep down I know this is a huge part just my own disillusions. Things didn’t turn out like I imagined. I’m not the person I thought I’d be. But...maybe....MAYBE...I’ve got it wrong? Maybe I’ve got an illness and some really bad thinking? Not accurate thinking? Who says I’m not worth it? Me? My mind? Can I trust my mind? I say NO! I can’t. That’s why I have to reach out and get perspective from those who understand. Not everyone because everyone does not understand. But some of us do. A good therapist might also understand. And be able to help some. I understand. Many others here understand. Please please give yourself a much needed break from your own and others expectations. You are a fine and worthy person just because you are. Nothing extra necessary. But I can gather you are so much more than you think you are! I wish I knew the right words to encourage you. Don’t give up! I’m not going to. Let’s just take it a moment at a time. Right now let’s not give up. Who knows what might be right around the corner? Lots of love to you Starrlight!!! ❤️❤️❤️
I love how you say you are a fine and worthy person just because you are ... yup ... we are... I believe God made us well we’ve just got to remember...
thanks I love it yes I hope goodness is around the corner. Thanks soooooooooooo 🤗
I love you soooooooo killer cool lady thanks for the little jackson’s song/ for being here for me... yes we’ve got to look out for those hawks. It is s lot of pressure in the home for me. I’m sitting outside rocking in my chair and it appears normal but if I didn’t have this rocking chair I’m afraid I’d still be rocking back and forth without the chair oh my because that is how stressed and overwhelmed I am. Deep breaths and dreaming of getting away for a bit is great. God you know what I just keep worrying because of upcoming events but you know if they need me well I need me first and more than they do!!!
You have to put yourself first..take care of you..then the others come after...I know how you're feeling...raising a family is a big job....then you have other things also...ease up on yourself..it'll do you good...we can put so much pressure on ourselves and think we have to do more, better...when in reality what we are doing is good enough....have the family treat you like a Queen for a day, you sure deserve it...stop putting all the pressure on you...and wrap your arms around yourself right now...squeeze tight..that's me giving you a hug!
Dump trucks of love, peace, light, joy n hugs sis!!!!
I want to get away from everything including myself... buuuuut wherever you go there you are ......
Thanks sooooooo much I really felt that hug 🤗 my family had no clue it seems how I feel even though I speak my mind.
You are so brave for sharing because every human feels this way at some time in their life.
You have no idea who is watching you. You don’t know who you may have touched. You don’t realize that your kids and their friends see you get up every day and make it.
Many people feel the ‘call of the void’. L’appel de vide’ in psych terms. I want the nothing too. It’s quite different from suicidal ideation. It’s just empty that’s needed.
My kids always knew what was age appropriate for them to know. Now they’re grown and 2/3 are logical intelligent healthcare providers.
Nothing we do is unimportant. Each of us is a thread in the tapestry. Without you and what you do (your threads touching others) nothing gets done. Everyone around you needs your thread woven throughout their day.
Never feel guilty for making sure your string is safely in the tapestry. The tapestry is ruined with you gone.
So true we all do important things and we are all special. I love what you say about the threads touching others woven throughout each of our days. I’m just so overworked though and the anxiety ocd stuff makes it seem impossible.
I understand overworked. We tend to make everything a top priority when things start stacking up. Take some time to figure out what might not be a high priority; really. Or perhaps you can get help with housework for a month or so. Either way, of all those balls in the air see what you can toss to others and see what is the squeaky wheel. Relax in knowing the rest waits it’s turn.
A hopefully comforting song for you and Beetle. "And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines..."
Makes me feel some peace. Thanks you 
Aww thanks Faux true I do think I need to do it for me. I’m dreading telling my family though but we’ll theyll deal.
I hope you feel better soon.
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