So depressed angry irritable

[Starrlight]

I have to be there for my family and help my kids get ready for the day... but I wish I could just be alone as I’m so irritable and I am sick and tired of life and I want to die now. I’m being good to them as usual and hiding my feelings so as not to hurt them and it’s really difficult faking happiness. I’m tired. I feel like it’s my fault that I’m so stressed but I don’t know how to fix it. I’m worrying about some things to come. I need someone in my corner. I feel so alone. Im doing what I can to care for myself. Please someone be here for me. Maybe I should say f it and not care so damn much about every little thing!!! 😡

[Sunflowerxxxxxx]

Hi are you getting some proffessional help😊

[Starrlight in reply to Sunflowerxxxxxx]

Yes just spoke with my therapist yesterday. I’m on medication. Some days even with the help are just too much.

[Nothing_but_books]

Hello Starrlight,

It's not enough. But you have connections here.

I wish I could be as brave as you are. You are strong enough to protect your family from the worst of the pain you are feeling. What you have lived through would be hard for anyone to bear.

You can reach out to others here. You can seek help from a professional to help navigate this. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better for you.

[Starrlight in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Thank you sooooo. I wish it was my time but since it’s not I’ll take time to rest so I can be alive for those who need me.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Starrlight]

I hear you. Enjoy your Ghost Story, and your precious little one.

Here's a link to a wonderful collection of ghost stories for children at Amazon.

amazon.com/Alfred-Hitchcock...

Right on that page, Amazon also lists the individual stories in the collection. I bet you can find a few of them online free. Try Guttenberg project. I'll help if you like. Let me know.

[Downandout123]

I'm only a phone call away Starr if you ever want to talk. You know that. There is only so much that can be said and expressed via this site.

[Starrlight in reply to Downandout123]

Thanks

[All_alone]

Hi Starr. I'm sorry your feeling so bad. I know how hard it can be and its even more exhausting to put on like your fine. I'm in your corner but I also know its not the same if you had someone physically by your side for support. Sending you lots of hugs today and strength. We are all here for you. ❤🙏

[Starrlight in reply to All_alone]

Thank you

[Bootsy2]

We have the right to feel what we are feeling. This has been hard for me to learn and do, but my therapist keeps telling me it's my right to feel. I've hidden my feelings and thoughts my whole life too. But I'm tired of hiding. Right now I'm feeling a lot of anger for being taught to not show my feelings, to keep my thoughts hidden, and to believe I'm not good enough. So, I'm feelin' it, thinkin' what I think, and realizing that I am not a bad person. I've told my husband that this is where I'm at ( so be warned). It is liberation time from all of the stuff that was heaped on me and subsequently that I heaped on myself.

We have a right to our emotions and thoughts. We have a right to be who we are. To really take care of our kids we have to know how to take care of ourselves and like ourselves. That's a hard one for me, but I'm tired of the old narrative that says I'm bad. I'm not bad. Bad things happened to me. Not my fault.

You're not bad. It's not your fault. You have the right to your feelings and you have the right to ask for help. You also have the right to take care of you. We don't have the right to hurt those we care for, but a day where they amuse themselves, eat easy meals, and realize it's a 'mom care' day never hurt anyone. Tell them you love them, set them up for this self-reliant day and then go take care of you. Read a book, sit outside, paint your nails, give yourself a facial, soak your feet, have some tea, take a walk. Get a sitter or have your husband watch the kids and get out of the house for awhile. Get out in nature. If you have to stay home and the kids are little you can keep an eye on them out of the corner of your eye, but when they ask for something set them on their way to figuring it out with whatever little help you can give them. The house does not need to be cleaned today, pizza is a fine meal for supper, and it's good to let kids figure some things out for themselves (like what they want for lunch and what they want to wear). And most of all, I've discovered it's actually better to let my kids see me being human and having feelings. Then they won't grow up hiding how they feel. Respectfully, let them know you're feeling sad, tired, or whatever today. So, say, "let's have 'me' day." They get to do their own 'me' things and you do yours. You deserve it. It sounds like you are a loving, caring mom. You're doing a great job. By taking care of you, you can take care of them.

I hope something here helps. It is helping me to write it. I need to take my own advice and the advice of my therapist. He said right now I need to take care of me, but reminded me that there are still things we need to do in a day like maybe telling the kids m&ms are not a complete meal. A little peanutbutter with them will work though.

You have the right!!! Take a day. Feel, think, hurt, cry,....etc. let yourself feel through whatever is there. Then find some safe fun and relaxation for you today. Be good to yourself.

[Downandout123 in reply to Bootsy2]

This is the most excellent advice!! Starr-something tells me that you are a perfectionist. Read, reread, and then read again Bootsy2s post to you. I'm going to save it because it definitely applies to me also. Thank you Bootsy!

[Bootsy2 in reply to Downandout123]

I'm glad. Funny. I copied it for myself to remind myself to take care right now. It's amazing how we can shower that compassion and understanding on others, but we neglect to shower it on ourselves.

[Starrlight in reply to Bootsy2]

I think showing emotions and having my kids know they can express theirs is important to me but today I feel I have to keep it to myself and be alone with it, that’s just where I’m at. True maybe I’m really not bad afterall

[Bootsy2 in reply to Starrlight]

You're not bad at all. If you need this day for you in whatever shape or form that takes, then that is what you need. We need what we need when we need it. I just finished reading the book, City of Girls. It had a quote that just rang true for me and I think a lot of women. It said, "Anyway, at some point in a woman's life, she gets tired of being ashamed all the time." Isn't that the truth! There is no shame in what we feel or what we need. It just is what's necessary in this moment.

Hang in there. It's hard with kids to care for. I have felt guilty many times about not being able to totally be there for my kids as I worked through all this. But, they are incredibly resilient and understanding. Mine are grown now, but I can see now where if I had put a little of myself first, took care of my needs along the way, and asked for help sooner maybe my big crash wouldn't have been so big. But I didnt know that then. I want you to know that.

This notion of total self-sacrifice for our kids is not right or realistic. We need to be there, but we aren't fully there for them if we can't be there for ourselves. You are doing an amazing job already reaching out here on this forum. I wish I'd gotten help sooner. But I didnt and that's okay. I'm getting it now and now is all that matters (so the mindful folks keep telling us).

[Starrlight in reply to Bootsy2]

Thanks for sharing that experience of wisdom. Best to you in your healing. May we both care for ourselves in the way we most need. I hope we can see past the pain and have at least glimpses of hope faith love and joy and peace.

[Starrlight in reply to Bootsy2]

Thank you I’m taking care . I’ll let myself feel.

[Starrlight in reply to Bootsy2]

You are great thank you for sharing I will try to have me time and take it easy today.

[Sunnidayz1]

I can help u fix it

[1OshunDreamer]

Hi Starrlight. You're describing how I always feel when I'm depressed. Fortunately, a mix of things help and I can go a year sometimes without feeling that way.

I tried everything but found a few things that help me. I do do take low dose anxiety med and an antidepressant med. They help a bit. Then I journal everytime I feel like I'm starting to get "those feelings". I can't believe how many ah ha moments I've had and realized how much I worry about things that, in the scheme of things, really don't matter or aren't my fault. Joining this site is a wonderful help. Talking to people who have been there and understand is invaluable.

Lastly, I stopped hiding it and actually started telling people, when I was down, what I had been diagnosed with. I was shocked how many people actually understood or had the same issues.

Stay strong Starr. You are a warrior who has most likely been through a lot but you're still standing. That takes a lot of strength.

[Starrlight in reply to 1OshunDreamer]

Thank you. I think you are strong too.

[Hidden]

I'm here for you, Starrlight!! Hang in there, hon!

[Elliott_Woods]

You are allowed to vent and tell all your feelings to us here ♥️ that's what we are here for. I'm in your corner and so are others on here ♥️🌟 I love ya friend! XO

I'm sorry you are feeling so down! I wish I could come over and give you a big squeeze.

Really hope things turn up for you! You need a break from the madness. I'd take away your pain in a heartbeat if I could! Don't beat yourself up, ok? Take it easy ✌️💜

You are strong, even if you don't feel like it. There has to be light down the road ☀️ it's just taking awhile to get to it. Sending all my love ❣️

[Starrlight in reply to Elliott_Woods]

Love it! Thank you. I’m just doing what I can to step out of the dark place and forgiving others and self who have hurt me. I’m having time to myself as my husband took the kiddos out to skateboard. I’m going to find out from a computer guy in our family what computers we can get that are compatible with the school’s set up, that will hopefully let me let go of some stress.

[Elliott_Woods in reply to Starrlight]

Good good. How you feeling now? ♥️ Today seems to be one of them days. Hard. Bleh.

[Starrlight in reply to Elliott_Woods]

Yeah Bleh is right

[Ddorne]

Yes, I’m there for you. You are not alone at all. Faking it can be helpful.

Liti

[Starrlight in reply to Ddorne]

Awww thank you yeah sometimes faking it turns it into real joy, real peace... sometimes

And then those around don’t feel upset. It’s a secret with meaning; I love them, I do t want them to see me hurting so badly.

[melbrown]

Beautiful Starrlight💗 How are you holding up? I can relate... lately I want to just cry & scream at the top of my lungs. This week seems extremely tiring.... my therapist says we need to be extra kind to ourselves especially now... this SIP has everyone on edge... I hope you got a little Starrlight time..Maybe you & 🐶 go on a walk? We just got back from taking Han Solo on 1 & it felt good. Love you hun & in your corner.

[Starrlight in reply to melbrown]

Hey beautiful! Thanks for being here. I’m doing much better now. I talked to my sister who reassured me about my biggest worry. So I feel relieved.

How are you today? Let’s take good care and be extra kind to ourselves like your therapist says. It’s 4:00 am and I can’t sleep,... been waking up at this time every morning ugh more sleep would be nice.

May we find some magic today 😊

[melbrown in reply to Starrlight]

Good morning hun. I'm just waking up... Hans 🐶 doesn't understand sleeping in. 4 am is way too early... I hope you eventually got back to sleep or at least can take a nap later.

So glad you were able to talk to your sis. Its nice to have a sibling to talk about our childhood junk with... they get it & know/love us.

Hope you are enjoying your Sunday. We just have a few things to do, so going to try to take it easy . 💗💗💗

[Starrlight in reply to melbrown]

Lol at Hans not understanding sleeping in 😆 Cool I’m also taking it easy today. Do you have brothers or sisters? Do they live close by? It would be nice to get closer to my sister. She has kids my kids’ ages so it’s really nice when they come for a visit.

[melbrown in reply to Starrlight]

Yup, I have a sister & brother, both younger. My brother & I work together, our field is essential... so see each other basically everyday. Our sister is out of state... unfortunately things are tense between her & the family... hope it gets back on track.

Glad you are taking it easy... just got back from walking the pup. Now nap time. 😄

[Starrlight in reply to melbrown]

Nice! Sweet napping dreams. ✨

What work do you do?