Isolating and slowly fading...

[lrperkins]

Hey guys,

Right now, due to unfortunate circumstance, I’m living in a house with 12 other people, 7 of whom are kids from 2-11. My husband, 4-year-old daughter and I share one room. The whole extended family visits after church every Saturday, for hours.

I’m feeling SUPER antisocial today. Feel very judged for not always wanting to be in somebody’s face smiling and chatting. For needing loads of downtime. For often pulling away and isolating myself.

I miss having my own place; this is SO hard for me. I often feel trapped in this small room, not wanting to even step out to restroom or to grab a bite lest I run into some critical word, some side-eye, some infuriating, “general” comment said out loud to “everyone” but actually meant for me (from the other two women in the house: my overbearing, boundaryless mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. House is nasty all the time. NASTY. Chaotic with all the kids and noise and criticism and stress. Dad-in-law super sick and dying from cirrhosis of the liver. And THIS is where I live—ME, the girl who thrives in her own world with books and the piano, ok and maybe Netflix. THIS is where I’ve been forced to live (due to circumstance) since my breakdown last year...THIS is where I’m supposed to recover, to heal from my stress, anxiety, depression???!!!

I feel like I’m slowly dying in this room, in this situation. And no, I don’t have other VIABLE options right now with my husband and daughter.

Yes, I’m grateful that we’re not on the street, I am. But this is exceedingly difficult for me. Not just to be in, but to HEAL and recover, you know?

PLEASE, PLEASE talk to me! You guys are my lifeline.

[Agora1]

Hi Irperkins, sorry just saw this now. Weekends can get a little slow in responses.

Short of having a roof over your head, the rest is a horrific setting for someone who needs peace and quiet and a place to not have to interact with so many abusive people. You can't just stay in that one room or you suffocate. Are you able to get out with your family

even for a walk to the park. Anything to get you out of your room. How long will this situation be for? xx

[lrperkins in reply to Agora1]

Agora1, you’ll never know how much your response means to me. Just to know that someone hears me and cares, thank you!

We can get out and walk sometimes. What happens most often is that I send them out of the room to do their thing then I just stay in and try to lay low. I love my 4 year old with all my heart, ALL my heart, but of course she has so much energy and constantly wants me to play, which I just can’t do often. Her cousins are rough, rowdy boys and don’t make for attractive playmates. She’s an only child. Feel guilty, but I just don’t have it in me right now.

As of last Monday I now have a part time job, which is good for me. But when I come home (more specifically, once the rest of the family gets home), I go straight to my room.

We are SOOOOOO financially in the hole that, God forbid, I cringe as I say this, we will likely be here for at least another year.

If I were my old self (before the breakdown), I’d get a much higher paying job (because I’m a skilled research tech) and get us into our own place quickly. But alas...even the thought of updating my resume and interviewing makes me feel anxious and exhausted. I want so badly to better! But I really need rest in order to heal. God help me, please!

[Agora1 in reply to lrperkins]

Irperkins, I agree with Maddisun in that this is not a permanent solution. It is just providing you and your family the safety you need right now until you get back on your feet. Apparently, you are a bright young woman who one day may be able to go back into that field. Having a breakdown doesn't have to affect your life forever. I so understand that thought can make you anxious right now. I am glad you have a part time job which allows you to get out of the house for a while and will build your self esteem and confidence in overcoming the breakdown.

My wish for you is that one day you will look back at all this turmoil and know that you learned from this life experience no matter how bad it was. If you can handle this life situation now, you will be able to handle anything else life throws your way in the future.

I have a feeling you will overcome your mental health issues because you want so badly to get better. You are not staying stuck right now, you are doing the best you can with what you've been given. People like that succeed in the end. xx

[lrperkins in reply to Agora1]

Agora1, words of solace, like a special salve. Thank you! Thank you so very much.

[Hidden]

Hi Sweetie,

I wish I could offer some useful advice because what you describe sounds like a nightmare. When trying to cope with depression and anxiety the last place we want to be is in a room filled with people, 7 of which are kids. I completely understand the “sabbath” gathering and like you I use to avoid it as well. Fortunately that was many moons ago. 😊 I’m glad you and your family have a safe place to stay so that you don’t have the additional stress of literally being homeless. It’s not ideal right now but this too shall pass. Hang in there!!!

[lrperkins in reply to Hidden]

Maddisun, yes, you CLEARLY get it! Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I appreciate you.

[Hidden in reply to lrperkins]

Keep posting, we are here for you.

[margyy17]

Hey Irperkins, I completely understand your situation. I can only image how you feel right now, it must be horrible. First of all you have to think how lucky you are to be alive and lucky to at least be surrounded by your daughter and your husband because many people don’t have that. You should try to cut some time during your day to breath, just go for a walk, or some quiet time to yourself by walking and breathing and make it a routine which you follow everyday. This, I’m sure will make you feel better because everyday you know that you will have that time to recover your mind! And also remember, that after a storm even the worse storm always come up the sun!! Stay positive! Prayers for you!

[lrperkins in reply to margyy17]

margyy17, you shared some really good words of advice. I appreciate them so much. While it is pretty hard to stay positive throughout a very long period of intense stress, I’m going to take your advice because at least going through the motions will help my mind. I believe it. Thank you.

[yubbie63]

Where do you live? I am in a really messed up situation. Did everything "right"...now husband in prison and I barely make end meet. I am in Wilmington, nc but may move back to uickly nj

[lrperkins in reply to yubbie63]

I am so sorry about your situation, that sounds really tough! I'm in Washington.

[Hidden]

I am so glad you shared, lrperkins. I haven't been in your situation of living with so many people. I can only imagine how hard it would be. People who don't know me don't realize how much energy it takes to be social. I need a lot of down time, too. I hope your part time job helps you feel a little more human. Take care of yourself no matter what the in-laws think. When you need quiet time, take it without feeling guilt.

[lrperkins in reply to Hidden]

I REALLY appreciate your understanding and response, socalpoppy! Especially taking care of myself REGARDLESS, and taking my quiet time without the guilt. One thing I can say that makes the situation easier than it would be is that husband is understanding and protective; he never makes me feel guilty and always tries to support my need to pull away, you know? That helps because he’s in my inner circle...BTW, I’m originally from SoCal! ☀️Love it...😊

[Hidden in reply to lrperkins]

I have a super supportive husband as well. He doesn't always understand what I'm thinking, but he recognizes when I need some time. His protecting me makes me feel so loved. I'm so glad you have this, too.

[Mundial]

Dear Irperkins, I am so sorry you are in this situation. I think I would be pulling my hair out living with 12 people. I have lived many years and I have been in places in time where I have thought “what the f am I doing here??” I swear it’s these times are when I have actually grown as a human being. But, that doesn’t help you right now, I know. Sorry....... can you find a place to go to for a little respite from all the stress? That’s really important. Maybe just getting out for some fresh air, taking your child to a park can be refreshing. When I have too much chatter in my head I listen to a guided meditation online and it always puts me into a better mindset. Please don’t give up. You’re a mom and a wife. You’ve got people who love and need you. Take good care.