TRIGGER i feel guilty because I want to die

[Starrlight]

It’s hard to reach out to the people close to me like few friends I just can’t right now, and I fake happiness which I would like to quit right now ... and fake that I’m free... and I can’t talk to lots of family either who I resent or who I couldn’t bear to break their hearts with my thoughts and wishes to die...living near me you know, they are partial relationships, I feel like I can’t really open up. I’m freaking out right now. With the thoughts that seem like they will turn into reality the most terrible of them all...I can’t talk to my new therapist either I just don’t trust her. I want to scream that I’m done I want to scream don’t hurt me... can I just start over? No I can’t. I hate myself. My kids deserve better. They are angels I feel like s devil. But my kids and I We have the best love between us it’s just like heaven and it sounds so crazy that I could possibly want to hurt them so by hurting myself but I’m in immense agony right now. I just want to take the pain away. I can’t seem to protect myself. This life sucks. The way I am except I’m a good mom other than my secret wishes I am an awesome mom besides that. I’m breaking down. I’m so done I really want to die soon.then I am elated and happier than possible according to the most of me... and you are my best friend and I love you too much heart vulnerable and still somewhere it remains the battle in in and fighting it is swimming around in my mind trying to latch onto anything to be pulled in further and be listened to.

[Hidden]

Send me a pm...

[LovelySnow]

We love you so much.

[kenster1]

hi star sorry that your feeling like this.give the new therapist more time don't go with a mindset that its not going to help because it probably wont.life is hard and ive got two kids who I could never leave behind no matter how much of a struggle life is.i spent three months in therapy and on my first visit I thought I wasn't going to stick it but I did and was sad when it ended.give it more time it will make a difference.

[Hidden]

Hi star I’m so sorry for how you are feeling...

I’m truly hoping you feel some hope very soon, you deserve a life.

I’m so sorry you don’t trust your therapist. I found it most helpful to open up to the therapists I had...but I realise we are all different and the time has to be right and the person etc

I’m wishing for you so many nice peaceful times...

💕🌹🌹🌹 xx🧚🏻‍♀️

[Bee1232]

OMG star you just explained me to a T being the mother to 2 girls I feel so guilty for being so depressed and I’m so scared of being scared and depressed. The thoughts I have are so bad I’m scared to be alone but I don’t want to burden them. I walk around at work like a zombie, faking everything. I know I need to keep moving. Do you take medication if you don’t mind me asking?

[newbie56]

Dear little Star,

So sorry this is happening to you.

You have so much to offer! Your TALENT is obvious, but even more than that... You are still young enough to make a difference in your WORLD. The children's world for sure. It's agony to read your thoughts. Yes, we feel them. And GOD knows them.

Don't struggle alone. We here can only advise you. GOD doesn't need another angel, or star. Your family needs you, to see you smile again, a genuine smile; Imagine even laughing again.

Believe it or not, many have actually experienced immense JOY again when relieved of such torment and devilish sorrow. (I was) There are powerful forces. (good & bad) Some may scoff but what do they have to offer?

GOD offers peace of mind and heart. If we reject that, we do suffer ...

Please accept the best offer.

Agape

[Ddorne]

Starrlight, sorry for your state of mind. Are you bipolar? Are you on meds? Probably yes. Do you think you need to change? You seem so good at times. I guess we all do.Then we forget when we feel bad. When I’m depressed I struggle

To remember. It’s hard, at times it works. May God bless you and your family.

LD

[Sunnidayz1]

Star, you are awesome. Of course u can start over. Give yourself some credit girl. You are a a strong woman & u dont even know it. Dont forget that. You inspire so many people on this site. Practice self compassion bc in the end we all feel like garbage and pitiful from time to time bc we are all human!!! We all need to take care of ourselves bc we are givers.

[KMarti19]

Plan a craft project with your kids. Get very busy

[JEG325]

Star, it breaks my heart to hear this from you. Though I can sympathize because I have had some very dark thoughts too....(although not recently). You have to let go of this negative, dark energy. Spend some time sitting in the sun if nothing else. I remember when I first met you, you were so positive and strong. Your strength carried me through some really tough times of my own. That's how I know you have a strong inner core of strength. Reach deep, down inside of yourself where the wellspring of light and love lives and pull it to the surface. Tell yourself you are beautiful, you are loved and you are needed in this world. God loves you and wants you here too. If not, he wouldn't have created you. Our trials and tribulations in life are there to strengthen us and enable us to grow and progress through life. You are very young yet. You have much time left to grow, learn and be happy with life. What a tragedy it would be if you gave up now, less than halfway through your life. Not only are you an excellent wife and mother, you will be an excellent grandmother too. Your kids will need your guidance more than ever once they have families. Your grandkids will need you too. Find that inner core and ride it, my awesome friend! You have many years of love from your kids and grandkids to experience yet. Don't cut the road short because it's rough now. Stay the course, open your eyes and experience all the love God has waiting for you in your future life. Okay? I speak from experience. Stick with it. Sue and I will pray for you constantly. I am always here for you. Take heart, there are brighter days ahead!

[pink318]

Hello- I’m very sorry you are going through such a tough time. You are not alone, we are here for you.

If you don’t trust your therapist, you might want to look for another so you can discuss what you're going through. I hope you can find one that you will be comfortable opening up your emotions to help you cope with this sadness. You can also try to join a life group to help you feel less lonely and alone. Most of the churches have a group that you can join. It helps when we are surrounded with people who prays and encourages us, especially when we are going through difficult times.

Please stay strong, your kids need you. I hope you can get the help you need. I pray for God’s peace be upon you and things will go well for you. Please keep us posted. Take care of yourself. God bless.

[Nom-D-Ploom]

This is probably stupid, but there are a couple of stand up comics who have gone through a severe depression. They talk about their struggles, but they also give a lot of hope. Chandra Pierce (Behind the laughter) and...I am blanking on the other. I'll look it up.