I find myself constantly wishing it w... - Anxiety and Depre...

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I find myself constantly wishing it was over


Two days ago I was pretty much okay and I shared here what I was thankful for. Yesterday I felt invincible and really driven. Now today I just want to end it all. Maybe I have been rapid cycling.

The pain is soooo great. Thank God I don’t think I would go through with it and do that to my kids, I can’t i just cannot, but I am thinking about it today non stop Thinking what if I could by making it look like an accident. Thinking how can I possibly keep going like this? I would never forgive myself if the kids found out I wanted to die. I feel so guilty for it now. I cannot take it anymore. Please help. But how? Nothing will help. If I tell anyone I know other than on here it will just make me feel worse and it’s very hard writing this right now. I feel embarrassed. I write here yet I don’t really think anything will help me. I just don’t know what else to do.

44 Replies

Starrlight. I know how you are feeling. I've been there. Feelings of hopelessness and them some. All sorts of dark thoughts running through your mind.

Let me tell you that it is ALL anxiety playing tricks on your mind. I recovered when I learnt that trying things to get better, trying things to make myself think and feel different were the very reason i wasn't making any progress. You see, recovery from anxiety and depression is all about not doing anything about the symptoms and letting them be there for as long as they like. It’s about letting yourself think and feel everything willingly and not doing anything to change it. Literally, it is about going with the ebb and flow offering zero resistance. What will be, will be. Let those thoughts come, let them scare you and learn not to add more fear by worrying and stressing about them. It is just anxiety playing tricks and will fade away when you learn to accept it all. Trust me when i say that with acceptance, you will get better, the old you will return. Recovery does take time and there will be setbacks but it is all part of the process so learn to accept them too.

Starrlight in reply to Beevee

That sounds at least a little hopeful and it does make sense that acceptance is the answer. My friend on here has also said that he lets it be whatever the feeling. I will try it thank you so much 😊 🙏

Beevee in reply to Starrlight

It’s not something you try. It is about developing an attitude whereby you genuinely couldn’t care less about the symptoms. They will continue to bother you for a while but you just learn to go with it. If you feel bad, you feel bad. If you have racing thoughts which scare you, let them scare you. It’s a case of having a “ So what?” attitude in place of a “What if???” attitude. Do you understand the difference?

At the moment, it is likely that you are adding more fear to those thoughts and feelings which feeds straight back into your anxiety and keeping it going. The “couldn’t care less” attitude removes that second fear so the fear-adrenalin-fear cycle is broken, giving your sensitised nerves the time and space they need to heal. Then, it is just a matter of time until you have complete freedom from chronic anxiety and for normal thoughts and feelings to return. Time is the great healer.


I get the same thoughts star ,I think it’s a coping mechanism for really bad days as it at least gives us an option,sending some happy Sunday vibes your way xx🌤🍰😊

Yeah maybe you’re right Alan. My mind is racing all over the place even though I am practicing staying in the moment. Oh well. I do think it’s a good idea to let myself feel but I often feel I get too overwhelmed by them and then I have to distract, soothe, something to change or evade from. I’m soooo tired of it all.

Where’s our next drawing ✍️?....no3

Oooh yes I hope to do that today. Maybe it will help clean out some junk from my mind. Thanks for the reminder.

✊😁....can’t wait 🌠✍️

Haha so cool 😎

Beevee in reply to Starrlight

Don’t try to stay in the moment. That would be extremely hard to do and feels like you are trying to force the issue, trying to avoid the thoughts.

Like I say, let your mind race. Instead of engaging with all those thoughts trying to figure them out, simply observe them without judgement as they pass through. It is only anxious energy manifesting itself into scary thoughts which will gradually fade away through allowing and accepting.

If I had £1 for every time I said those thoughts won’t be there when you recover so don’t pay them any respect, I could retire disgracefully! The trouble is, I don’t believe in benefitting from other people’s misfortune so it’s all free of charge!

Starrlight in reply to Beevee

Makes sense. Thank you soooo!

Starrlight, tell me what’s going on, it is your mind playing tricks on you, don’t stop the feeling, work with it, let it out, talk to me, love you loads xxx

Some days I just cannot cope with physical sensations and fears, there are problems I can fix but I must accept the stuff I cannot change. I’m just really anxious and sad at the same time with little motivation for anything which I usually have so much of. I think I’ll look at some of my favorite photos I’ve taken. I think it may give a new perspective even if just for a bit.

Thanks Florida!!!!

What a difference 2 days can make. Thankfully! In 2 more days this feeling very well may have passed. That should be comforting to you. No need to make extreme decisions, all it takes is a little time.

Also, are you seeing a therapist? It would be good if you had someone to share these feelings with in person as well as online.

I hope you feel better very soon.

Starrlight in reply to Eowyn7

I never want to talk to my therapist. I think I may have talked with her once or twice in over a year, I don’t talk to her, I just complete a service plan answers with her so that I can recieve meds I’m taking.

Yeah I bet I’ll be feeling up soon.

Thank you so much Eowyn7 I appriciate you.

Starrlight you are strong and you r brave. Dont feed into what your brain is saying.

The brain spews out stuff that is just not true sometimes..

You are more than what your mind and your brain give you credit for.

You have a lot to live for and has anyone said to you that life is easy? It's not easy. . It's ups and downs for everyone.

Please take the time for you today & treat yourself right.. Be patient with yourself today. Some days we need to be more patient with ourselves than other days.

You are going to be ok🧡💕🧡💕


Maybe I am as amazing as the next person but I feel ssooooooo so sad, getting paranoid that my family won’t like me anymore if I am not careful but there’s nothing logical pointing to that so I’m taking notice of untrue beliefs like that. I’m trying to be in the present which helps and to think ahead to things I can look forward too, it’s just so hard right now. I don’t know why I am so mean to myself.

❤️ thanks for being here

It's been a few hours since you posted and I hope you are feeling better. Be patient my friend. Everyone here is rooting for you💛

My mind is soooo unquiet. I cannot keep this up. I’m breaking like glass.

How are you love xxxx

Hanging on ... thank you so much for caring my friend. How are you?

JEG325 in reply to Starrlight

Are you still up, BFF?

Love you, x

How are you xxxx

Making the best of the day. I’m feeling better for now. I’m due to feel like €*%# soon though, that’s how it goes. You know?

hi sounds like you may be going through a depressive episode opposed to the mania you were feeling the last couple days. if u arent on medication already u might want to talk to a doctor bc theres a lot of good mood stabalizers that can help. im on one and its really good! but for now just remember that this feeling will end. you can push through it and youre not alone :)

Thanks Amandagray. I’m glad your med is working. I am actually doing better than a couple of months ago before going on Paxil I was living every minute in deep hell whereas now I’m dipped in a little hell from time to time. I hate the thought of going on but it will pass and I will be thankful for life again.


Hey love. ❤️ I hope you’re ok. I’m battling a lot right now too, but you’re in my thoughts.

Starrlight in reply to Hidden

Thank you. I appriciate you. What’s going on? Can you share with me? It’s okay if you don’t feel like sharing about it but I hope the best for you.

Hidden in reply to Starrlight

My aunt passed last week. The one that always helped me & I just haven’t been able to shake it. Her funeral was Friday, & I had a very bad breakdown at the funeral. I have been paralyzed in anxiety & depression since her passing. I am just now trying to wake up & reach out to the group again. I appreciate you too. You know I love you. ❤️

Love you too. I’m so sorry about your Aunt. ((((Hug)))))) When my Aunt (she was also my Godmother) passed it was hard to shake too. I feel like my mom is next. Bless you I wish you everything good. And be gentle with yourself.

Hidden in reply to Starrlight

Wow, My aunt was my godmother too. It was such a shock when it happened & it’s still so hard to believe that she’s really gone. It just really puts things into perspective. We don’t have forever with each other, so we have to do the best we can with the time we’ve been given. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with thoughts of the s word that I don’t wanna even say, but I get it. I am here for you. I know you feel enough embarrassment & shame, & I promise that there’s no judgement from me. I’ve had that thought cross my mind too, even being pregnant, but I KNOW that I couldn’t do that. I would never wanna hurt my baby boy. If you need me, I am just a message or phone call away. I am here for you. 💕

Wow we both had loving godmothers who will always be watching over us, well Id like to think so.

I can’t write anymore right now there’s too much in my unquiet mind. Thank you sooooooooo so much for your support and I see some things hard for you but you are doing great; keep it up. ❤️

Heavenly Father,

I ask you to send an abundance of grace to starrlight to quiet her mind and spirit. Help her to find solutions to her problems. In her dark moments show her the light on thhe other side of the dark. Remind her that she is loved and her life a valuable gift. Fill her life with peace.

Wow 😮 I am so happy to recieve the prayer. It’s very special and I thank you ☺️

You are most welcome. I will be praying for you each day as I do my morning prayers.

Thank you 🙏 😊

How are you doing?

I am doing well. There are always days that are a struggle, but I have found not to rely on my own power. It is better to rely on God. Thank you for asking.

I don’t trust that God will help me... Right now... I mean although I believe in good and God, when I’m hurting I cannot see good or God very well. It’s hard to believe what I can’t feel when I’m feeling so much pain it’s deep and I just try to get to the surface to see light. I don’t think I am worthy. When I am in the sun, I am well, I feel worthy. I think I need to change some of my beliefs.

Thank you. I appriciate you my friend.

I can understand those feelings. Sometimes things seem so chaotic and crazy. I am a Christian and believe in Jesus. When I can"t make sense of things I remember that God allowed His only son Jesus, to atone for the sins of the world. I may not see or be able to understand His ways, but I know He has things under control. This includes our lives if we hand over our control to Him. He loves us, you.

I do believe that God is The Controler. I just don’t know if he is helping me or not. If I believed He is with me helping me I’d be able to relax more. It’s just so hard to trust anything after suffering horrendous sufferings. I’m so so tired.

Sometimes we give our problems to God and then take them back again and try to solve them ourselves. We have trouble letting go. It is a question of faith. When God helps us, he doesn't do the work for us but gives us the grace to continue the struggle. (Matthew 11:28-30) Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul." Do you have a faith community to pray with?

I like to pray by myself typically. I was raised Catholic then became Muslim now I am away from all organized religion and I directly pray to God not through anyone else. And I do take my faith in God very seriously but I do not choose to be any part of any specific religion or group. I love taking peices of the faiths though, I try to find all I can which I see as good and apply it to my life. I feel change and growth coming soon.

It is sometimes helpful to pray with others. " Where two or more are gathered in my name ,there I am with them".(Matthew 18:20 ) I am still praying for you and will continue to do so. I am so glad you feel change coming.Please contact me any time. Hugs.

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