Marriage Trouble

[Dreamie]

My husband and I haven’t been doing well for most of our 5+ years of marriage. My mom has always said that we are both needy but he more than I. If that’s true then it’s really bad. I have depression and anxiety (need) I don’t make enough money to support myself (need) I don’t want to be alone (need). He is extremely insecure (NEEEEEEDDD)! We’ve also got a lot of other things going on that are making us both miserable. He is EXTREMELY negative and suspicious. I cannot stand to be around him when he’s venting about how terrible his life is and how other people are so horrible. He uses very vulgar and insulting language. And he goes on and on and on for literally hours. This is daily. And worse is when he turn the conversation to us or me. Oh whoa is he! I’m so difficult to live with, so unsupportive, don’t like him, am not attracted to him, etc etc etc! I cannot get a word in edgewise so I have learned to just shut down. That’s a big part of my own personal problem. I shut down. I hate conflict and avoid it like the plague! Hubby pouts and sleeps on the couch a lot. His way of letting me know I am not measuring up to his needs. He gets very angry and resentful when I have any time off from work that he doesn’t have. When I make any plans or do anything on my own which I rarely do he throws a fit. He resents that he has to work so hard and so much but is stuck in a career that he hates (won’t get into it but he truly is stuck financially at this time). He wants a brand new super-expensive bass fishing boat so bad and threatens all the time that he’s just going to go buy it. For as long as I’ve known him he has never been satisfied. He accuses me all the time of not having any goals but I do they’re just a lot more intrinsic and not materialistic. At the same time he acts like I am unsatisfied with our living situation. This is because I grew up having more money than he did and also my first husband was able to provide better financially. I say “better” because I don’t think my first husband made so much more money but our situations are very different. Regardless I have never complained. Although I do resent that my hubby now keeps his money separate from me and just writes a check for his half of the bills once a month...begrudgingly. We don’t have groceries most of the time and dinner has become “oh it’s 8:30 pm! What are we going to eat?” Over the years I have started not eating. Sometimes I find myself late in the afternoon realizing I haven’t eaten anything all day. I think this is my depression though.

So blah blah blah. I don’t even know why I started this post. I’m just so tired of living like this. Hubby is completely against counseling. We tried before. And to be honest I don’t want to go with him. My mom, sister and grown daughter all are so tired of our drama and think we should part ways. I just don’t know how to begin. My heart can’t take the pain of hurting him yet we are in misery together.

[lovablelaughter7]

I am so sorry you are going through so much. Situations like yours are very difficult because your damned if you do and damned if you don't. I think it's important to remember that your health and sanity come first. Determine was is important to you, what you want in life, and where you want to be. It sounds like he is projecting so much of his insecurity and negativity onto to you and that is certainly no way to live. Relationships are meant to be supportive mutually. Whatever you decide, remember it's okay to put yourself first. We are always here to listen.

[hypercat54]

Oh dear this isn't good. Do you have a family member or friend you could live with? Anything sounds better than this. There are worse things than being alone and poor and I think what you have got with this man is worse than this. Your anxiety and depression can only get more severe unless you get yourself out of this situation. x

[Dreamie in reply to hypercat54]

I just don’t know what to do. I have left a few times before and stayed with my sister and brother in law but I don’t want to disrupt their lives again. I always end up going back. I don’t want to lose my house and all my belongings AND I am frightened of what will become of me if I am left alone AND I do love my husband. I hate that I put loving him last. The truth is most of the time I don’t like him and the love is falling further into the background. But when i am forced to deal with ALL my feelings (outside of fear and frustration) I know I still care very much about him. I feel so horrible for him. He puts up such a tough guy front but I know he is very tender and insecure inside. He will never admit it though. The sad thing is that he has many wonderful traits too. He can be fun. He has a great sense of humor. He is kind and thoughtful towards most people and does many nice things for them. He enjoys the outdoors like I do. The unfortunate thing is how much time he wastes getting his feelings hurt and being miserable.

Sorry I know I’m ranting. I’m just trying to get it all out.

I do know that I have to take care of my mental health. I really do! I’m just trying to figure out if there’s any way I can do it and also work on my marriage??? Like I said this has been going on for years. I haven’t been successful before. And it’s just getting worse.

I don’t know what I want anyone to say. I’m just throwing it out there. I’ve worn my poor family down with my troubles and I’m so tired of my own self!

[hypercat54 in reply to Dreamie]

Hi to be honest if you keep trying and nothing changes you can spend the rest of your life doing this. How about making it a condition of staying with him that he gets some medical help? Ad's and/or counselling should be able to help him. By that I mean individual counselling and not as a couple. x

[Dreamie in reply to hypercat54]

I could try. I need counseling again too. I just keep putting it off. Thank you for your thoughts.