I don’t know what to do!

[tjmat]

I have been with my partner for 8 years. I was always the supporting person in our relationship and the one who was financially responsible for both our rents and bills. Two years ago he cheated on me and got caught. He begged me to take him back and promised that he would do whatever it takes to make me feel happy and secure. But after a few days everything went back to normal. In arguments he acts like he didn’t do anything wrong. I had explicitly stated that I am not comfortable with him talking to other women unless its work till I feel secure and safe in this relationship. I don’t really have family or support system but he does. Everytime there’s an argument he goes out of his way to seek attention for other women even though he has family, cousins and male friends to discuss this. He knows that would hurt me but makes that conscious decision to do it anyway. He says that’s controlling when he was the one that cheated. In many arguments he made it perfectly clear that those other women are more important than keeping me happy. Once the argument subsides he goes back to begging me to give him another chance. Throughout the relationship, I don’t feel like I exist, he doesn’t listen to my problems and if I try talking to him about them, he changes the topic to his own problems. I have childhood trauma, had a miscarriage, and suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts. He knows them and manipulates every situation to fulfill his needs. He still financially depends on me and I just feel like he’s just been using me for it. It’s more of a convenience for him. When he’s trying to ask for another chances, he knows exactly what to say and I’m a fool for ever believing those words. I have nobody else but him in this country. I don’t have family or other support systems. I have tried to give so many opportunities but nothing changes. I don’t know what to do. I have so many bad experiences being financially unstable before so I don’t want to cut off support for him especially when you are outsider on a visa getting a phd degree, but at the same time I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

I just only ever needed someone to listen to me, prioritize me and care about me. His infidelity broke me as a person when I was already going through a tough time.

[Ladybug9]

This post really upset me because all I could hear while you wrote was a narcissistic man who is using you. For him to do something unacceptable and then put the blame on you? Shame on him. You are worth so much more than you are receving from this person. I am truly sorry that you are being treated with such disrespect and cruelty. His words are cruel, period. He is cruel. You deserve more. Set boundaries and stick to them. And don't let him treat you like you aren't important and don't need to be valued because you absolutely do!

[tjmat in reply to Ladybug9]

Thank you for listening to me. I have not being too well thinking of all this and being in pain every single day.

[Ladybug9 in reply to tjmat]

I can't even imagine how you are feeling right now! If you need to talk, let me know. I hate to see anyone hurt like this.

[Freedom57 in reply to Ladybug9]

Agree with everything you said!

[Aspetta]

He is not helping you. He is hurting you. It takes two to tango. Tell him bye.

[Hidden]

I know it's rough when you say you don't have any other family or friends for support. I would try to make some more connections with people for yourself. Have some friends that you can go out with and talk to, don't make him your everything. I would detach from him, set some boundaries and start planning on how to eventually leave this guy. He's not being good to you at all. You deserve much better, he's taking advantage of you.

[Ladybug9]

I agree with orange 100%.

[tjmat]

I’ve had that same thought over and over in my head... that he’s always going to cheat no matter what. I’ve been incapable of getting out... I constantly feel like I’m drowning and when he acted like he cared.. I trusted it because I had nothing else. It’s very difficult to let go of something when all your life you had nothing... no family... no money... no security. I had to work a million times harder than others to be where I am... but he chips away at it.. he has not let me ever enjoy my own accomplishments when I wanted to...and would just complain about his problems. I felt like nothing I ever do would matter or mean anything. That I should not expect to be happy. That I should not want the same things everyone else has.

[Freedom57 in reply to tjmat]

Believe who this man is by his actions not his words

I left a Narcissistic husband 6 months ago, yes it is hard but living a lie is worse for you

[lorianxiety in reply to tjmat]

I have read over the comments and understand the situation better,This person is sponging off you,destroying your self-worth and fundamentally disrespcting you in every possible way----His infidelity proves he has no regard for himself let alone anyone,You are naturally wanting him to change,but his actions are meaningless and he knows your vulnerable and plays on it ,be strong and chuck him out ,he has given you no reason to Trust him anymore -time to get your strength back and retain your emotional balance,and that need s peace ,no useless arguments-peace-how else can you carry on with your own life--you will in time find someone who genuinely cares !

[undercoverhufflepuff]

I am so sorry you're going through this. It makes my heart hurt for you because I have been/am still going through something similar, though I am not alone in a foreign country. What he's doing isn't right, and it's important for you to know that because I know that I thought it was all on me and my ex would blame me and call me crazy. It'll probably be one of the hardest things you ever do, but when you are ready, leave him. Find a good therapist if you can. Read up on codependence and narcissists, just don't overwhelm yourself. You got this.

[Nothing_but_books]

My God I feel old, ancient, responding to you from the other side. But, yes, I have lived your story down to my shoes.

I have no advice, you know what is best for you. But I am here whenever you need to talk.

One thing more. I couldn't get out. I tried. I failed. I hate myself for being a failure.

I am 65 years old and disabled by chronic pain. My husband loves me, so he drops by and delivers a dinner -- if he is up to it. He abuses me verbally, emotionally, and, from time to time also physically. I have no one at all to take care of me but him. I do not feel taken care of. I am terrified to be all alone and helpless. So I tolerate that he has a girlfriend. Another place to sleep. Plans to buy a home I am not welcome into.

I have panic, depression, and an endless list of physical ailments.

Do you want to be me in a few decades???

[tjmat in reply to Nothing_but_books]

I am so sorry and it hurts to see your pain. I definitely would not want that for myself and will take your advice. Thank you for offering to talk to me when I need it, I will take you up on that. Thank you for listening to me.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to tjmat]

okay.

[Freedom57 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Your story is very sad but our lives are a result of the choices we each make. Fear can be paralyzing! Sending a Big hug for you!

[Ladybug9]

Hi sweety. I wanted to check in on you and see how things are going and how you are doing? Are you okay?

[tjmat in reply to Ladybug9]

I am still the same. I’m trying to get some space to figure out how to do this... my head is the dangerous place to be. Every second it feels like something is wrong with me.

Thank you for checking on me... I really appreciate it. You don’t know how much it means to me.

[Ladybug9]

Hi sweety. I haven't been on for a while and wanted to check in and see how you are doing. I hope better? I spend a lot of time looking up quotes and when I found one today I immediately thought of you. It says: If you lose someone, but find yourself, you win

Sending hugs.

[tjmat in reply to Ladybug9]

I finally had the courage to kick him out of the house. I’m not doing that well but hopefully I will now. I’m still crying, sad, angry, and unhappy about losing 8 years of my life and taking the emotional abuse. I would have probably never had the courage to cut ties with him without the advice of many wonderful people here on this group.

I’m all alone but I just need to survive one day at a time. Thank you for checking on me frequently, you don’t know how much that means to me!

I like that quote! I just need to be positive and try every day to be alive and work towards being happy again.

[Hidden in reply to tjmat]

Stay strong. I know this has to be so difficult. Sometimes we have to teach people how we should be treated. Hold your head high, you deserve RESPECT!!!!!!

[Ladybug9 in reply to tjmat]

I know it must have been hard but the loneliness is so much less painful than the abuse! You will get through this and when you have doubts, just remember what you went through for 8 years and never doubt that you deserve so much more than anything that was ever given to you in those 8 years!!