Feeling hopeless..No one to talk to

[cruin]

I'm married for almost 21 yrs. We have a 14 and 17 yr old. My husband has anger and control issues and has been abusive to me and our children for a long time. My self esteem is so bad I didn't even realize he was being abusive until he threatened to kill our daughter. It was right then and there I realized how bad it was. I had to get an order of protection to get him out of the house. We were separate for two years. During that time he went to counseling for his anger. He's back in the house, things are better but he's still not were he needs to be. I'm trying so hard to work things out but every time we get into an arguement it puts me into such a state of depression I can't get myself out of. I often think about leaving him but the thought of pulling my kids out of private school especially this year my daughter is a senior and my son a freshman kills me. They need to go to private school becauae we live in one of the worse school districts.. I was hoping to make it to june let her graduate from hs then leave but it would be tough on my son. I can't win!.

I left myself financially dependent on him. I was a stay at home mom for 13 yrs. I returned work about 3 yrs ago. I don't make that much money to stay in our house and pay for school. We would have to move. I don't care about myself but my kids!

He's so controlling and wants everything done his way. My feelings,wants and needs arent a priority. I can't spend any money. Our house looks like crap. It's run down to the point it's embarrassing to have anyone over. My kids want to have their friends over but they can't. My family doesn't come over anymore. It's been years since they been to our home. He treated my mom terrible and my grandmother who had dementia she passed since then.

He wont make any repairs on the house or try to maintain it. I can't understand why. He's make a good salary. Every penny needs to go in the bank. We don't go anywhere. I have no friends, no one I can talk to.

My job is very stressful I travel to different locations within the same organization. Every place has different ways of doing things. I'm left alone at times since I'm unfamiliar with that office I can't find what I need which stresses me out and dealing with customer stress me out even more. My life is mess. I hate feeling like this.

[Hidden]

Oh boy what a mess you have going on. I don't think it's good for you stay with this man. He sounds toxic & we people don't deal well with toxicity. Do you have family you can turn to? I want you & your children to be safe. The damage is more than likely already done to your children, which makes me very sad. My hubby came from an abusive dad, damaged goods I got, it's okay I've showed him what it's like to be loved. I wish you all the best & am here for you! Love,peace, joy, light & hugs!!!!

[hypercat54]

Hi I think your children would much rather have 1 loving parent and live in a smaller home and go to local schools than live in this type of atmosphere so please don't stay purely for their sake. I agree with anxiety that some damage will have been done to them already.

If you can then get out asap and leave this abusive and controlling man. You might find that your family will rally round once they know you are leaving him so why not ask for their help. Good luck with it. x

[cruin]

I don't have family members I can turn to. I'm alone. It's not that easy to leave. It's not about the house. It's about not having any value of my feelings, wants or needs. I don't matter.

[Hidden in reply to cruin]

Yes you do matter, ask your children, I bet they say yes to you! You also matter to me, I care! Are there any women's shelters in your area? I hope everything works out for you. Love, peace, light , joy & hugs!!!

[cruin in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your kind words ♥️

[Sadiesmile]

I know things seem so overwhelming right now but you need a plan and small goals to work toward. It will make you feel stronger and give you self confidence when you achieve a goal. Remember they need to be small at first...things related to you personally. Don’t worry about the house, your relationship with him etc. focus on you. Set a little goal that has to do with bettering yourself. Go for a walk every day, get a new hair do, eat health food, be kind and show love to yourself, take a candle light bath with an inspiring book...you get the idea. You have taken the first step in reaching out on here. Use this place as your support and fuel now. Baby steps will get you there all the same. Be good to yourself. Show yourself the love you need. I would also recommend reading anything positive....Tiny Buddha is a good website with lots of wonderful and uplifting writings. You can do it!!! Keep us updated! Love and light xoxo

[cruin in reply to Sadiesmile]

I definitely need to start doing nice things for myself. Thank you for the advice.

[Sprinkle1]

You need to get out of there, look for all the help you can get. Look in the front of your phone book, there are lists of help for people. A women's shelter would be a good first step. You need therapy, they would offer it at a women's shelter, and look for support groups in your area, they are usually free. Churches often offer help. Go online and look for help. You need support and help for your mental well being, then you will be strong for your children. I wish my Mother had left my father, we would have been better off. I still carry the mental scares from my father, I am having high anxiety now and a lot of the memories come from my childhood and teenage years.

The United Way is another place you could contact, they do good work. Take GOOD care of yourself, you are worth it, talk to us we will help you and support you all we can. Sending, love, strength, hope and Big hugs. Sprinkle 1

[cruin in reply to Sprinkle1]

Thank you for responding. I really appreciate it. I am very aware on how this is affecting the children. It seems no matter what decision I make it will hurt them. I also can from a toxic home and it stills affects me to this day.

[crowningglory19]

Staying with him, and you and the kids being abused, will hurt them and you far more than moving to another school. It shows the kids its ok and they will marry the same and live their life in misery. Yes, moving is hard. What about home schooling them? You could do that on much less money. Over control is disabling. Praying for you all!

[cruin in reply to crowningglory19]

Thank you for the advice and concern. I dont have enough confidence in myself to home school. I know what this is doing to the children but it's not so easy to leave.

[crowningglory19]

I know, it isn't easy to leave. <3 There are so many helps out there for home schooling and at your kids age, it is basically them self teaching, all you have to do is make sure they are up to the requirements needed legally to graduate. You can do it!