Marriage ending

[JadeRaye]

I can feel it , our fights are different now . We're both done with each other . We have been together 12 years , we have had our extreme ups and lowest lows . But even though there are times when I can't stand him , I still love him and I still want to continue to fight for our marriage . But I know he's done , the past few years he's gotten meaner and meaner when we fight . He says the most hurtful things now and I just don't understand how someone could dislike me so much . I don't have any friends , no one . Does anyone know of any free or low cost marriage counseling . I know we either need to seek professional help or end our marriage . I know longer want to make my best friend miserable in life . Even if that's not being with me.

[Ironj]

Catholic charities will provide low to no cost counseling.

[Imakook]

Hi JadeRaye,

I am so sad to read what you wrote and it tears at my heart. I seem to be in a similar situation, however; my husband doesn't throw out horrible words if we are arguing, but that is just as scary. We'll be married 22 years next month.

My problem is that he continually treats me like a child that got in trouble. There is no respect for me & there is underlying issues that he may never open up to.

I've been working with therapy & take meds for ADHD as well as depression. I have physical problems that I'm working my ass off with doctors & pain clinics to find an answer to my chronic pain

I believe that because I am being treated for mental issues and he also takes antidepressants, that marriage counseling would be covered by my insurance.

My therapist is also recommending that I read "The 5 Love Languages" & that he read

"The 5 Love Languages for Men".

I am going to try to convince him that it's an option, which also is free except for buying the books. He is weird about money (I've always made my own living) and about spending money on "unnecessary purchases".

I know that's how he feels. I'm also sure that we will not make it if we don't act now! I hope it works. Therapist swears by these books.

I'm in AA, Alanon & looking into ACOA. I know you shouldn't & couldn't if you expected someone to change & felt hopeless but I had a thought pop into my head. Had to be my higher power giving me an answer.

Asking someone to be polite to you is not trying to get them to change their character. It is simply asking to be respected, which I get anywhere else. It's simply following the Golden Rule.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

I don't know if any of these suggestions will help you and your husband, but I know that I have to try. I am not going to live life this for the last 20 years of my life. I'm worthy of happiness and peace.

Take care, JadeRaye-Sister in pain. Great big hugs to you!

[JadeRaye in reply to Imakook]

Thank you so much for your caring/loving response . My husband is the same way , I don't know if it's because I'm 4 years younger but he treats me like a child when I do anything wrong . It can be the smallest thing and I feel like he's trying to parent me . There has been so much mental and most recently some physical abuse . We have a beautiful 2 year old son together that I wouldn't trade for the world , but parenting when you have extreme depression is hard and it's even harder having to walk on egg shells and always trying to please him so he doesn't get upset . I feel so weak and hopeless . I'm a college dropout and have no means to support myself so I just feel so trapped . I'm so sorry you are in a similar situation and I know how horrible it can make you feel . While I know marriage is hard and takes a lot of work , I never excepted it to be this hard .

[Imakook in reply to JadeRaye]

You know what, Jade...it should not be this hard! My best friends husband can get just like ours "at times". But I have slsowitnessed him treating her like an angel most of the time. I thought of another thing, which I already said I belong to. Alanon is a program for anyone who is affected by someone else's drinking.

I don't know if there is a drinking problem in your house...however I really believe that you could replace the word drinking with the word anger & still be on the right course.

Maybe see if tjere is an Alanon meeting in your area. If not, keep looking or go to their website:

al-anon.org

Do either you or your mother have parents or grandparents who were/are alcoholic? That can add a whole other perspective. I did have both parents as alcoholics.

Thx again for your honesty. There's always a solution if one has the gumption to try anything.

No matter what you do, let it be with full knowledge of your situation, the pros & cons. Do what you need as long as it's best for you and your family.

[Imakook in reply to Imakook]

Oops I meant to say do you or your husband have parents or grandparents with alcohol problems.

[Hidden]

Churches sometimes have counseling and There are DivorceCare programs in churches around the country, for separated and divorced people, that’s if the marriage is over. He will have to pay you child support and alimony most likely if you do get divorced, so you will not be destitute. Maybe speak with a divorce attorney, a free consultation and they will let you know. You mentioned physical abuse, is there anywhere you can go to get away from him?

[mrmonk]

Hello JadeRaye,

I can empathize with your situation; my wife and I have been together almost twelve years and our marriage has disintegrated to the point of contempt when we fight. We both have mental health issues that have torn us asunder.

If your husband is open to the idea, you could try Open Path to find an affordable marriage counselor in your area:

openpathcollective.org/

I hope things work out for you and your family. Take care and be well.

[faulhallen]

I’m sorry to hear your marriage is in jeopardy. There are key things you need to remember to help you survive a divorce if it comes to that. I’m experiencing divorce myself and where I can’t say our situations are the same I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to.

If you do end up getting divorced I have a post from the other day that will help you through. Read it when things seem hard.

As far as marriage counseling goes, sometimes churches have them for free but that would depend on your region.

My ex said the same thing about me towards the end. Our fights definitely were getting worse and I’ll admit I said some pretty nasty things. In my case it was because I was done. I had been unhappy for 10 years and outright miserable for closer to 6. I stayed for my kids but over time the resentment grew and grew. I kept wanting my best friend, the amazing woman I had married to come back but she never did. She had kids and that woman disappeared forever. I get why she changed, but I don’t understand why she pushed me away and treated me so coldly.

Every fight just seemed to make the rift between us bigger. She wanted to go to counseling and I refused. Why pay someone to talk about things I had been telling her for years?

If he’s like me, it’s that resentment that is making him say that. I’m sure he still loves you on some level and always will... but when you’re angry and you’ve been hurting for so long things get said and you can’t take them back.

You need to decide what is best for you. Without knowing more I can’t say more and it isn’t my place to tell you what to do, but if you ever need to vent to I’m here.

[faulhallen in reply to faulhallen]

Ok... I still haven’t read all the responses but I saw mention of recent physical abuse and I can safely say no amount of resentment or anger would drive me to lay hands my ex. Im sorry if my original message isn’t as helpful as I hoped it would be...

[KikiK]

I know this is 2months later. But i hoped everything worked out in the end. And u still together.