Relationship trouble

[Gealtachta]

Hi everyone ,

I have been in a relationship for almost a year. It has been a whirlwind. Got engaged, started planning the wedding, he moved in recently.

A week after moving in he ending up in hospital and ICU. He had kidney failure so he now needs dialysis. Things were good until he started the dialysis then our relationship just wasn’t the same. We were both under extreme stress, him sick, me trying to work and care for him. Throw into the mix my young adult daughter with ADHD and an alcohol addiction. He started just being different and basically ignoring me most of the time.

My daughter and I are high strung and can be loud. We also say if we are mad or upset. He handles things differently, doesn’t say anything. Keep in mind this has all happened in 6 weeks. Move in, sick, home things are different /tense. So last week we get home from work to find him gone!!!

He didn’t contact me for about 3 days. I did know where he was because I’m in contact with his kids. When he finally called he said we handle stress differently. My daughter and I do swear a bit too which he said he didn’t like. He wanted to break up!

i just need some opinions on this situation. His daughter called me and said she was advocating for me because he isn’t medically stable right now. I still love him but I also don’t want someone who is going to run.

[Focusedmind]

It is so hard to have a relationship with someone who runs away and doesn't communicate where they are. My first thoughts are that sometimes we pressure men to hold their emotions because they are afraid to talk about their feelings. Instead, they become quiet and withdraw from any emotional reactions.

And sometimes, men don't really know how they feel for a day or two. There seems to be a timing difference. I have been married a long time, and one thing I know about my husband is that often I can respond to emotions faster than he can. He often tells me, "Give me a day to think about this, and can we talk about this tomorrow?" Although not always true, I understand that men and women are physically built differently.

As I comprehend it, women have more connections running back in forth between the left and right parts of the brain than men do. Somehow, men's brains are more compartmentalized than women's brains are. Therefore, I believe women can respond more quickly to emotional responses than men. As I said, my husband needs a day to "understand" how he feels about a topic, whereas I know almost immediately. So, by waiting a day or two, we can have a compassionate conversation about the same issue that previously would have eluded us.

My question to you is, is it possible that this is what is happening with you and your husband? I think the best way is to talk to him openly and patiently about what is going on in his head. The starting point might be asking him why he wants to break up with you. What are some of these differences he finds in the way you handle stress? If these are too intense, then maybe start on more softball questions. Like how is he feeling?

You both have a lot to talk about, and you especially are probably exhausted after working and caretaking him and your adult daughter. Is there any way you could afford some help for yourself? A cleaning person, another caretaker, etc.?

[Gealtachta in reply to Focusedmind]

Hi Focusedmind, you have some very good insight into male minds! It is funny that you are talking about the difference in timing for men and women to process thoughts! That is what my partner told me yesterday, that I rushed his emotions. He needed time to settle down and think. It has taken me a long time to see that!

It is very true, my emotions just come out in stressful situations. We haven’t even lived together very long, we would see each other on weekends only because we were 2 hours apart. We didn’t argue about anything.

Right now we are thinking about whether to continue together or not so nothing is decided. My sister said I dodged a bullet. I haven’t decided yet but is she right?

Lol Thank you so much Fm

[012703060610]

As a woman, I get my issues on the table with my husband as they occur. I don't let them boil up. He does though however. My last husband took me on a date and then said I was getting divorce papers the next day.....I have severe abandonment issues from this. It was the craziest thing ever to go to our favorite restaurant and then have him say that and walk out! To this day, 6 years later, I have no idea why he divorced me. It wasn't going well and he had started drinking too much but we had Irish twin girls.....life WAS difficult and he couldn't really acknowledge that.

You need to let your heart lead you here I think. It doesn't sit right that three days went by. He could have left a simple note. Of course be careful with his daughter advocating because he is sick. She may see how hard it is to care for him and not want that responsibility. Just saying to be careful you are not being taken advantage of at this point. Focusedmind has great commentary here to think through. I however, having abandonment issue, would probably just run. I know, it's hard. However, you don't want someone that just ran out in short order. Like you said this all happened in 6 weeks. I guess I also wonder about his gratitude. You are doing SO much and has he seemed appreciative? I am disabled and I am constantly thanking my husband when he does the little things for me that are really hard. It puts strain on our marriage but we both see therapists and then talk at least once a month on how we are both feeling. Just some food for thought.

You sound like one strong cookie! I'm not sure how I would be doing if I were in your shoes at the moment. We are all here and please feel free to keep us posted. While your daughter at home has her issues, I am glad you are not alone! Sending virtual hugs.

[Midori]

I would suggest that he has probably done what is best for you, although in a backhanded way.

It sounds as if you and your daughter have enough on your plate right now as it is.

Can his daughter not look after him for awhile? At least until he is settled into a routine with the dialysis, then, maybe he could come back, but please don't expect it.

Try to keep in touch with him by all means, but not too often, or you will come across as needy, which I have found puts men off.

Cheers, Midori

[Gealtachta in reply to Midori]

Hi Midori,

Thanks for the reply. I know what you me about doing me a favour. We have talked some on the phone. Right now, indefinitely, he is staying at his daughter’s place. I talked to my counsellor the other day, she suggested couple counselling so we are going to try that.

The more time that goes by the more detached I am from him. My daughter said if you want to continue seeing each other he should live at his daughter’s. I don’t miss him being here at all.

I’m going to see him tomorrow for the first time since he left. I have really mixed feelings about it. Since he has been sick he hasn’t been able to work. He has - no income, no car, very sick.

I do love him, I don’t know that that out weighs everything else. He does have the potential to earn income again though.