Feel invisible in my marriage - Anxiety and Depre...

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Feel invisible in my marriage


I’m feeling very alone and invisible. I’ve been with my partner for 14 years, and the last 10 or so have been almost completely without sexual intimacy.... like 1-12x a year....He just has no interest as far as I can tell. We’re both only in our early 30s, and he’s physically healthy except for being overweight. I’ve talked to him about it countless times and it always comes down to him saying he just is never “in the mood”. Ive tried a bunch of different ways to “spice things up”, and it’s always just “no”. I sincerely don’t believe that he is cheating on me... but I don’t know what to think or what to do. I’m baffled and so hurt. I can’t live like this forever, but I can’t see myself leaving him either. I’m just so tired of being rejected by my own husband. I know I shouldn’t base my self esteem on my attractiveness to others, but as a young woman it’s hard to be placed in this completely asexual role - especially when I have a very healthy sex drive. I’m getting very depressed. I’ll take any words of encouragement or advice anyone can offer. I have no one to talk to about this.

27 Replies

I don’t know if he does (look at porn). I asked once and he didn’t give me a straight answer - just made jokes - and then I dropped it because I’m so terrible with any sort of confrontation...

I knew the weight might be an issue.. but I haven’t heard of porn induced ed before.

And thank you so much for replying. I feel so alone in this.. and lately I’ve felt like maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe it really is just me and he isn’t attracted to me anymore but because we are so codependent he won’t say so or leave me. It’s just so hard not to be completely up in my head- I feel like I don’t know what’s real.

Thanks. He’s not on antidepressants - but he probably should be (my opinion). He says he’s open to therapy but whenever I try to make it happen he doesn’t make time for it - he has a very demanding job, and it always gets precedent over his own needs. I feel like I might have to have a more serious talk with him and make an ultimatum of sorts.. but I’m so scared. I don’t know how to do it and it makes me sick thinking about making any sort of ultimatum

I agree that it could be other stressors causing this! Don’t be too hard on yourself. Have you thought of trying a weekend away just the two of you?

We’ve actually been on several vacations over the years. It used to help a little, but the last few years it has made zero difference. We went on a *2 week* long vacation last year and didn’t have sex at all during it...

Ah shoot. Can you try and ease him into it? Start slow and over days or weeks make your way towards sex? Each time go a little further? I think explaining your feelings is a good way to go too, be honest but patient. Don’t expect immediate answers or results. Hang in there.

Thanks. You’re right - an ultimatum is probably over the top. Even just being brutally honest feels scary, but I have to be vulnerable and honest.

Hi there,

I can really relate to your situation. I am in my early 30s, my relationship is about 16 years old, and I feel rejected by my husband. Even though we still having sexual intercourse, our marriage is evolving to just being room mates. We have two children which make things complicated, so we cannot just go. Having a lot of work each one seemed to kill our interest of communication or something. He ratter past whole nights with his "friends" than spend that spear time with me and try to fix what is wrong at home. I have history of being jealous, so even though he is being faithful, I always doubt... this is hell for both of us. I am ok one minute and then I am a mess. I am anxious, in rage, sad, and ashamed...

If my words can give you some calm, let me tell you that you are not alone. You are obviously in a though position thinking if your are able to continue the same path. I can only think of telling you what I have to confess I myself do not process yet: You are young, (for how you expressed yourself I think) you are smart, respect yourself enough to decide the best for you.

Take care, I hope some tranquility reach you if that is something you need. Best wishes*

Kate_M13 in reply to xiodenn

Thank you. It really helps to know I’m not as alone as I feel. I completely relate to what you said about being ok on minute and not the next - that’s exactly how I am. Most days I am happy with what we do have, which is a very strong partnership with a lot of support on both sides, but then something small will happen or remind me of what I am missing and I just feel hollow. I become overcome with grief for what we had but I am scared we will never have again. And then I beat myself up for letting it go on this long, which isn’t helpful. I try to be kind to myself but it’s not easy. Thank you again for your words. I really appreciate your sharing.

My fiancé and I were at a point in the past where we had a second child and times were stressful. We were actually sleeping in separate rooms and had sex maybe a handful of times during that year. She wasn't in the mood, likely from the baby, but I felt rejected and unloved. Talk to your SO and explain the importance that sex is for more than just pleasure. It's a sacred thing shared between only you two and that physical contact is needed to feel loved. Try going deeper in explaining your feelings, he may not see the depth of it that you see. Also see if he will agree to setting dates or possibly together keeping track in calendar days of sex. This way you guys can make sure it doesn't fall to the back burner.

Have you thought about couples therapy? That might really help if you can get him to go.

I am going thru the same exact thing! My husband and I have been together 30 years and got married 6 years ago. He has started going out with his "friends". I haven't met them and I have no idea where they live, even though he takes my car to their house. He told me that he doesn't love me "the way he used to" and that made me very, very depressed. I keep asking if there is someone else and he keeps saying no. This started about 5 months ago and now I have anxiety and depression. I spend every weekend alone. At the beginning, I was very jealous and thought that he was messing around with other women but I keep trying to think in a positive way, that he is out having fun with the guys. That's what he keeps telling me.

So I am so sorry that you are going thru this painful process. I wish I had advice for you but I have no idea what to do for myself either. We are in this together.

SA192461 in reply to guar123

Ohh, I’m so sorry guar123 :-( my husband and I have been together over 30 years and married for 29. In the last few years he grew very distant.. no sex at All.. no affection. In Feb, about a week after my Birthday he said he didn’t love me anymore.. and wanted a divorce..which we are in the process of. I’m still so devastated, he was my best friend too..I’m trying to be strong, but it is incredibly hard at times. It’s true, we are not alone in these situations but I know it feels like it. I hope things get better for you and don’t deteriorate further..hugs to you💕

Hi Kate. My relationship was similar except it was the other way around. I took it personally and convinced myself she was not attracted to me anymore. Was tough. I stuck with it though and eventually learned she had issues of her own. Perhaps your guy has low self esteem or is worried about his performance. Maybe he has low testosterone.

Hi Kate. I get it. I feel ya! I"m pretty sure that my husband lo DC

Marshall64 in reply to Imakook

What is lo DC?

Imakook in reply to Marshall64

I apologize, Marshall. Half of my responses either get sent too early or the whole response gets deleted if I went to another screen. It's ALL operator error, but no less frustrating (to everybody) when it happens.

Sorry about posts that don't make sense. So if anybody sees that my post is pretty short, you can probably bet it was missing something. Lol! !@$#


My marriage is kind of the opposite. Since I've been on antidepressants, I have zero interest in sex, and on the rare occasions that i do, it's always at the most inopportune times. I know he feels rejected, but when I try to talk to him about it, he just gets mad. I'm certain he's fooling around on me at this point and I honestly can't blame him. It's a difficult situation and i know communication would be the best way to get past it, but it's a hard subject to talk about.

Marshall64 in reply to Lm92

Is it lexapro that is killing your drive? It seems to be a common side effect for that medicine.

Lm92 in reply to Marshall64

Yep, but I've had the same issue on Zoloft, Celexa and Prozac as well, unfortunately, but SSRIs are the only medications that really help lift depression for me.

hi kate, am in similar situation. the rejection is the worst! have you made any progress in talking with your husband?

kimmy30 in reply to jawsfan7

omg! I cant believe i am not the only one going through this with my husband.. I'm too"’ just so tired of being rejected by my husband." I tried ever thing. He makes me felt unwanted when he rejects me. I loose weight i do my hair everyday. Husband watches porn everyday too. what is wrong with our guys?

You are not alone, KATE girl!!!!I cant believe i am not the only one going through this with my husband.. I'm too"’ just so tired of being rejected by my husband." I tryed ever thing. He makes me felt unwated when he rejects me. I loose weight i do my hair everyday. Husband watches porn everday too.

So I'm a guy and also have very very little sexual desire and for me it's due to my years of being sexually abused....I'm wondering if your husbands were sexually abused as a child and therefore are not being sexual. In many cases like my own, I didn't remember or realize the extent of the abuse and it could be that your husbands don't even remove but being that it's in their subconscious mind they lost their sexual desires.....just my two cents.....

Scrolling through and saw u link .

yes I am in exactly the same place as you n been married 30 yrs I feel like there nothing left. Wonder weather he getting it another way. He says it's because I'm at him all the time n really nasty n hurt him when my anxiety at full peak . I have no control over it pure venom comes out . I feel like there's nothing there anymore .but don't if know if we should walk away from eachother he says he doesn't want to but I'm really not sure.x

Didn’t realize this is such an old post. How are things with you now?

I was there but reverse roles Nothing I did att=acted my wife who slept on the other side

U lose ur self esteem.

It him.not u

I'd suggest easy for me to say

Money beung free etcetc


Getung a martial cojnsrlor

Sounds like whatever in him.

Brcause I've have partners. That wernt models and cared I didn't just wanted to be loved and wanted

Get it

.reconmend getting a counselor

Sorry not more help

But in wont go through enduring 15 years ever again

It's notva rehearsal

He's wasting u as a faithful partner

One can only do without loving touch or being human fir so long

That emotional being wanted through lovd

Is spiritual

U just die inside

Why dontbu evrr wsnt me

Get it

I assure u

Go to the gym.ursrlf

Bet lots of people eantva nice friend. Or company

I'd kill forcan exercise pal.even judy platonic. Still get dimekne hsply to see u versus

On the shelf

I ask

That nothing I say

Hurt u in any way

In case I'm. Not hearing

Takr care dear lsdy

Is he trying to push u away? Who knows

Hed better wake up or

Someone is gking or hrs gking to.lose u his faukt

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