Ruining my marriage : My mental health... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Ruining my marriage

rlb83
rlb83

My mental health and the way I cope with my issues has done irreparable damage. I lie and do things my husband doesn’t want/like because it’s easier to avoid him. I went to therapy last year to be a better wife and mother, a better me. But mostly I talked about my husband’s mental health and issues and how they affect me. He lives our life believing I don’t respect him, because why would I lie to someone I love and respect? Why do I treat him the way that I do sometimes? Sometimes I am resentful and it is more important for me to do what I want rather than consider how it will affect him. Issues I have caused 6 years ago keep happening and I don’t know why I can’t escape the same patterns. He just caught me in a very big lie and he doesn’t know if he could be with me anymore. He is a difficult person to be with at times and makes me feel inadequate. I make mistakes and then he calls me names and says I am to blame for all of the problems in our relationship. I have asked to go to therapy together but he won’t. I lie because it’s easier and sometimes I am fearful of his response. Now he doesn’t know if he could ever trust me again.

22 Replies
oldestnewest

Sorry the problem here isn't you but him. It's classic abuse to blame someone else for their own failings and this is what he is clearly doing. There is lots of info online about emotional abuse in relationships so have a look. PsychCentral is a good place to start. Also look up the term 'gaslighting'. You deserve a lot better than this.

rlb83
rlb83 in reply to hypercat54

I do believe he has been verbally and emotionally abusive. And I have been hurtful in my own ways. He wants me to admit that I am to blame for our issues. Once I do that, then we can move on. I can never bring myself to take on that blame. And he gets angry that I can’t. But put that aside- I feel like I am constantly failing him. He communicates his wants and needs almost too clearly and I don’t give it to him. Why am I avoiding him and lying? I have read up on gaslighting and a narcissistic personality because that’s what I believe I am dealing with.

hypercat54
hypercat54 in reply to rlb83

You can't win or change a narc coz they don't have empathy or normal emotions. The only advice I can give you is to get out of this toxic relationship. Is this possible?

There are others on here who have been in your situation and I hope they will come in and help.

rlb83
rlb83 in reply to hypercat54

I have fleeting moments where I want to get out and a pray for change. Overall, I am not ready to get out. We have a child together. I often go back and forth which is more detrimental to her- separating or having her witness our issues as she gets older. I don’t know if I can handle not being with my daughter for days while she visits her father. My heart breaks thinking of it. My husband had an verbally and physically abusive father who left and he doesn’t want to miss out on our daughter’s life. I also don’t know if I can financially afford living on my own.

hypercat54
hypercat54 in reply to rlb83

One good parent is far better than two who are unhappy. I hope your daughter won't in turn copy her father.

Hidden
Hidden

I'm curious about his side of the story... This is a vague post. And lies do way more damage than it's worth. I think personally that honesty is a key here. And if he can't handle that, well then yes I'd say it's him. But you are choosing to lie so I'm not sure what results you were expecting?

rlb83
rlb83 in reply to Hidden

What would you like to know more about- his upbringing, our relationship, our issues? I know lying to him is extremely unhealthy. I instantly regret it when I do. Sometime I have tried to undo it and get caught in a web, causing even more damage. My heart pounds with shame. I wasn’t expecting anything but advice and support from anyone who was willing to offer. What am I expecting from my husband? Maybe some accountability on his side as well. I lie to him because I’m afraid of his response. I take accountability for my actions but when I tell him why I lied he doesn’t own that I did it to avoid his behaviors. If roles were reversed I would be upset at my wife but also take a look at myself. I wish he would work more with me rather than blame me and say hurtful things.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to rlb83

But do you take accountability though? Because what it sounds like is you justifying your lying. You know it's a problem yet you KEEP CHOOSING to do so... If you feel so shameful why not change your behavior? Because honestly feel like you're adding fuel to a fire. You say you're scared of him, but do you ever take into consideration the fact that maybe your lies cause more problems? Again I'm basing it off one side of a story. Personally I don't think it's fair to do this, without him being able to tell his side. And honestly, I think both of you need help .You sound like you're projecting your bad behavior on him and wanting him to own what you're doing.. which is bullsh!t.

rlb83
rlb83 in reply to Hidden

I do take accountability. I fully acknowledged and apologized for my actions today. I understand that it’s hurtful. But I don’t normally lie, that’s not in my character. Honestly, I just needed to vent and type out what I was thinking. Maybe if I do so and get some feedback I could get a different perspective and see something I haven’t seen before. My husband is not innocent. I would appreciate if you were slightly more sympathetic to people on this app looking for an ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on. If I wanted to feel like a piece of sh!t then I would have kept to myself and wouldn’t have come on this forum to express my feelings. I am a complicated human being dealing with a lot of different emotions. Please word your response differently next time or don’t comment at all.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to rlb83

LMAO oh so my responses bother you and then you want to proceed to tell me how to speak?? 😂😂😂 Get honest with yourself. And stop looking for people to stroke you're ego. No one said your husband was innocent. It is interesting that you are so bothered by the fact that I believe in more than your side of the story. You don't like that I don't agree with you? Oh well! You need to see it more for what it is than how you want it to be. You want people to be more sympathetic, then stop lying and making ridiculous choices and trying to pin it on someone other than yourself.

rlb83
rlb83 in reply to Hidden

I’m not looking for anyone to stroke my ego. I don’t have much respect for myself as it is. I could tell you more of his side of the story if you’d like from my perspective. He had an emotionally and psychically abusive father. His only male role model physically and emotionally abused his mother and pulled a gun on him. So imagine his side of the story. Imagine the plethora of mental health issues. I try to avoid him because his actions and responses at times has hurt me to my core. I don’t enjoy this side of me. I tried this app as an outlet or a way to cope with my depression and how to deal with my issues. I am not pinning my issues on him. I take full responsibility for the things I have done. It is difficult to discuss our issues as a couple because all he does is blame me for everything. I tell him I need help with the baby he says it’s my job. I tell him I don’t like how he speaks to me he tells me it’s my fault that he gets to that point.

Cb1963
Cb1963 in reply to rlb83

You are in a bit of a pickle,sounds like your husband has issues as well, but there's a saying, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink It, and if your husband is unwilling to attend any therapy, well,you are really going to struggle, and having a child isn't especially helpful for you, as he expects you to do everything, are you allowed out socially with your friends? Or don't you have any social life anymore? Its not healthy living with someone 24/7, and the 'fibs' you have been telling maybe have been used to keep the peace in the house most of the time,the scenario is set,its like the parasite and the host,and unfortunately they both feed off one another, the cycle needs to change, and until you either gain some confidence, don't breathe a word to anyone, and just pack up your bags,take the child with you,and gain some courage, you'll be feeling trapped, and end up in a vicious circle, and perhaps seeing the doctor for antidepressants, when really you know deep down the real reason, so don't mask the initial problem, when perhaps its confidence that you are lacking,remember life is meant to be full of enjoyment, love and laughter, and from what you are writing, you are not having much fun,I wish you well.

rlb83
rlb83 in reply to Cb1963

Thank you very much for your reply. I reread it twice.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to rlb83

In all honesty I'm willing to try to give you some advice and what not, but I personally feel like if you're going to tell us something for help, that more details might be ideal. I'm not saying his upbringing doesn't play a role, what I am trying to say is that the details given are vague. They are vague on the things you've done, they are somewhat vague on what he's done. I do see that you said he calls you names, and blames you. I'm just trying to understand how you guys got to this point. And what I was trying to say yesterday was that there are always more than one side to a story. I try not to give advice if I don't know what exactly is going on. Because he could be abusive, and I give the advice, this is all hypothetical by the way, but I give you advice that might help you to find a way out, or maybe something that could help with just finding a safe place for you and your child. But what I gathered from your post was this:

1. You guys have issues that probably go beyond finding help on this page.

2. You admit that you have a problem with lying. That in turn can cause someone to snap and act irrationally and ultimately depending on how well he can control his anger and emotions, cause him to lash out in the ways he does. It's cause and effect. I'm not justifying either behavior, but just trying to show you that your behavior may play a part as well.

3. You're scared of him. What I got from this way, ok the big lie you mention where he told you he doesn't know if he can stay with you. I see that as a problem solved for you.

See this is where I say it's cloudy as far as what you're expressing because if he is horrible to be with and berates you and makes you feel the ways he does, then why are you trying to stay and get counseling. Which brings me to wonder if he truly is as bad as what is being implied, or if he seems irrational because of the whole cause and effect thing. I'm not trying to make it seem ok or make your problem out to be anything less than it is. I just think, personally, you might want to work this out due to the guilt you feel for being caught in this big lie? Long story short I could go on and on, but I'll narrow it to this. If things are truly as bad as you are portraying, then for you and your child's sake, leave. Lying doesn't help, no matter the situation. Big lies, little lies, they're all lies. And they all do damage. Him not wanting to work stuff out is probably the result of the damage the lie has done, on top of whatever happened.

Are you lacking in self esteem? Perhaps since you have become married your personality has been eroded away, and if you make any mistakes your 'husband' has become your master and hasn't any inclination in what goes on in your world any more, and maybe the lies are becoming part of your lifestyle,I often wonder that people who are the victims are the ones who actually the normal individuals, and have become something that they never were in the first place, we ALL MAKE MISTAKES, and show me a human who hasn't, none of us are beyond being perfect, perhaps he doesn't want to go to therapy as he knows he's the one with the biggest issues, if you are being dragged down, and are telling lies to keep this marriage alive, well,I would seriously think about calling it a day,forget your therapists, take the lead and move out,and don't listen to his nonsense anymore, you then can gather your thoughts and you are still young enough to lead a life where you aren't constantly checking how many years you are having to go back into your memory banks to remember the bad times with him ,which you are doing in this conversation, you need happiness in a relationship, you get only one life,so make the most of it,and enjoy it,best of luck!

I have always lacked self esteem. I don’t know why. I’ve always flocked to the bird with a broken wing. Thank you for your response.

When my husband was alive he never followed thru with things he said he would do. This in turn made me mad. Initially I tried talking, and his canned answer was I'll try to do better. Then our words just became fewer and fewer , major resentment on my part. In the end we were just roommates. I'm sorry he wont go to therapy with you, neither would mine. One time the therapist gave me a suggestion which I tried while talking to him. He came back with why should I change your the one going to therapy. I just shut down.

rlb83
rlb83 in reply to All_alone

I’ve been there. He went to therapy as a child once. His mother made the family go. The therapist met with everyone individually and told my husband’s father what he had talked about. He received a beating for it. He has lost all trust in therapy. When I went last year a lot of my sessions were about my issues in our relationship and he didn’t like that I became more confident and vocal about my feelings. He claims therapy ruined our marriage. Thank you for your post. I’m sorry for the loss of your husband.

All_alone
All_alone in reply to rlb83

I'm happy you became more confident and vocal regarding your feelings. Your feelings should be heard and not discounted.

First of all as a minor the therapist will keep the parents informed. He is not a child now so his argument is somewhat spurious.

Second of course you becoming more vocal and confident has ruined your marriage in his eyes. It is harder for him to bully and control you! If you stay with him he will grind you back down and eventually you will lose yourself completely and become a sad wraif of a person.

Choose life, not slavery.

rlb83
rlb83 in reply to hypercat54

I know and I’ve told him that. There’s a lot of reasons why I believe he doesn’t go. I think he’s terrified. Living a disordered and somewhat chaotic life is his normal. Arguing is his family’s language. I ask him why he would want to live like this and he doesn’t have much of an answer. I also think that because he was blamed and abused for so many things as a child he wouldn’t be able to handle a therapist telling him he’s wrong and needs to work on his issues. I can imagine him going once and never returning.

hypercat54
hypercat54 in reply to rlb83

Stop worrying about him. Worry and protect yourself and your daughter.

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