Hello everyone!
I just started this account today and I was reading through some of the posts and thought "holy shit me too" on nearly every one. I'm 20 years old and recently started having random panic attacks. I would get them anywhere, home, restaurant, but the worst by far has been getting them at work. I work at a hospital as a nurses aid and the last two times I work I have gotten horrible panic attacks. The first time, I calmed myself down when they let me take a 20 min break and I stuck it out for the last hour of my shift on the floor, that last hour was hell on earth in every possible way. Yesterday, returning for the first time since my initial panic attack there, I had so much anticipatory anxiety of even being in the same place it happened that of course it triggered me again and I had to go home right when I got there. After that chaos went down and I made enough a fool of myself at work I went right in to see a counselor who told me it seems like I've got panic disorder. I was really hoping talking to her she would put me on some meds quick, seeing as how the situation is only escalating and shows no signs of stopping on its own. But the clinic I went to doesn't do prescriptions so I have to wait a week before getting in to see anyone about that.
The most horrible thing about all of this is work. I work 12 hour shifts and am heavily relied on at work. The fact that I had to go home at the beginning of my shift was the worst, knowing I was letting the nurses and other aids down and leaving them with some tough patients. But there was no way I would have reenable to continue my job after that attack you know? Anyway, even the slightest though about work gives me so much anxiety like I have never felt. I know that returning will only trigger the panic attacks or at least sever anxiety every time I'm there. I was talking to my friends about this and how I think I'm going to have to quit work and change my major (I'm a nursing major but honestly have been debating changing it for a little bit). I know they think I'm being over dramatic, they tell me to stick it out because not even a week ago I was saying how much I loved the stress and fast paced environment of my job. It was true, even if it was only a week ago. But my first panic attack at work was like a snap in my brain. I can never go back to the way I used to feel about work, I will never ever love it there again. I think its hard for them to understand how quick of a change mental illness and anxiety can make in your life, it is hard for me to even understand right now. Its like my world did a complete 180, never would I have ever expected that.
My mom is a nurse and always wanted me to be a nurse. I never did. I hated the stories she would tell, thought they were crazy, scary, tough, something I would never want to do. Then last year I did my research and found it to be really interesting so I pursued. I've been studying nursing for a year and working at the same hospital as my mom with the same manager. She works as a nurse on one floor, I work as an aid on another. I know she is so happy and excited and proud of me for following in her footsteps and to be honest, I feel like her reaction is half the reason I stuck with it for so long. But I don't think that did me any real good. I know I have to quit this job, but my mom (for being a nurse) is pretty old fashioned. While having a panic attack at work she told me to just calm down, don't think about it, deep breaths, all the stuff I wish I could do but have explained to her many times - are impossible to do when I'm in that situation. Its so hard because I KNOW she doesn't understand and I don't think she ever will. She tells me about her panic attack she had in church once and all the stuff about it, and that is valid, but it is nothing like this - they are completely different. People get panic attacks, but most people don't have the disorder... its so different. She would be so disappointed in me if I quit this job, even if my mental and physical health were on the line. Of course she would want me to get better, but she can't see it how I can.
The part that makes me feel crazy and that makes me understand where everyone is coming from when they tell me not to quit work, is how quickly this all transpired. It really does sound like I'm just being my over dramatic self. I wish there was a way to put the fear and terror and dread I feel when thinking of even stepping foot back into work, into others heads so maybe then they could understand. I work again on Thursday and I'm trying to find a way out of it, even though I do need the money. Its not even worth it at this point. This is very long so thank you if you read all of it, this is the only place I feel I can say all that and not feel like people still won't understand. Feel free to let me know any advice or if anyone has ever felt this way! Thanks :')
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