Lost

[TheVoid]

I feel so helpless at the moment. I feel so alone. I seem to be fighting so fing hard to get over my past I'm slowly speaking out and one moment I feel like I'm doing the right thing then I just feel like a wrecking ball destroying my loved ones as well as myself. I don't think I have anything to offer to anyone apart from the guys I care for (I'm a care worker) I feel like I can only help them.

The last year I've spoke about abuse and neglect from when I was a child, I've seen a therapist which helped deal with the issues with my mum but it's brought so much other stuff to the surface it's like I'm back there in my head. I get home and I'm miserable or just stuck not knowing what to do that I withdraw. My husband thinks works stressful, that I don't want to be intimate, and that I just pick faults and am giving up on us. I try to explain that I feel that work is what I have that's keeping me going a good healthy distraction, and that I want to be intimate but want to feel less dirty and ashamed of myself, I've been trying to discuss this all but it ends up on nasty arguements and things being said which add to my anxieties and pushes me away more. I dont think he understands. I don't know how to get back to myself. I don't know how to move on. I don't know how to be happy. I don't know what's left.

He's said things to me in heat of the moment that I try to ignore but I'm cut deep. I then feel so guilty because I can't be what I used to be for him. I want myself back. My husband back and these feelings to go but I can't escape.

(This probably makes 0 sense to anyone but I'm absolutely raw at present)

[Hidden]

Glad you’re here. Would it help to bring your husband to therapy?

You need a lot of support at the moment and it sounds like you’re not getting it. Message me if you need anything!

[TheVoid in reply to Hidden]

We discuss my past alot he feels alot of anger for what I've gone through that's why I feel so guilty. When we first met I was self harming and just being neglectful to myself and he turned my life around, and apparently I turned his around too. We used to have so much love and joy. We talked about alot openly and freely I never filtered with him. That's why I married him. I know he's struggling too he's seen a therapist himself and not had an easy ride either (I don't think anybody has) it seems that the patience he once had for me is gone. Like he's giving up on us.

I'm gonna see if we can do some group sessions. Talking with someone else to keep things from getting too much and unnecessary may help. Thanks for the suggestion

[Sober2007]

This makes plenty of sense to me, and even if it didn't it's OK to express yourself here without worrying. It sounds like being a care worker brings meaning to your life and that's truly a positive thing. I really hope things get better for you at home soon. I'm also married and we are having a lot of communication problems right now. We are both ill in different ways and it's easy to get overwhelmed.

[TheVoid in reply to Sober2007]

It's so hard trying to put my head into words! Ive been trying to use this forum more as a help. I tend to read through and relate to other posts than writing my own. I want to do more to help myself but the energy and effort it takes just sometimes feels like it's not worth it.

I'm gonna try more. I must admit when I do post I feel less alone. Thank you all for that

[hypercat54 in reply to TheVoid]

Hi I am very glad this forum is helping you. It is a good site with a lot of caring, supporting members.

One thing I will say though is that foul language is not actually allowed on here so I would be grateful if you could edit it out please. Thank you. x

[pianoplayer90]

I think it's great you're a care giver. Do you share any of the things you discuss with your therapist with your husband?

[TheVoid]

I try to, he used to listen to me for hours just holding me, now he seems to distract himself when Im talking he walks away busies himself with housework or other things so I just feel ignored, then arguements start and I'm left with a lot more anxieties and sense of panic. I've told him this this morning and that it makes me feel very lonely and I got told I'm just harsh on myself and others and I need to stop doing it. He's now tidying the lounge while i feel like I'm falling to pieces