Feeling Lost

[TROSET]

I'm trying really hard to hold myself together. My depression is at the worst it has ever been in the last 15 years. I'm waiting to for my new meds while I ween off my current ones but it has been rough. I have three daughters, attend college online (almost done!), and run a business with my husband. I have no time for myself to decompress or relax. Sometimes all I want is a moment to myself to just sit and cry but I can't even do that.

My husband finally confronted me asking what my problem is. I have been completely open and honest about everything that has been going but he still doesn't understand. He is upset I am not happier and thinks I am snappier than usual. I have always been a pessimist. He says he feels he is walking on eggshells around me. I have been super careful to boost his ego and make sure he feels ok. I don't take anything out on him and I do all the homework help with our daughters. I take care of all the chores as well. I am careful not to nag. I only ask for help once if I absolutely need it. I don't know what more I can do.

I have no intention of self harm, but every time I am running errand I daydream of someone running into me so I don't have to hurt anymore. I just need a break I think. But I can't even afford a decent hot water heater to take a hot bath to relax. Does anyone have any tips to help me cope?

[Getoutside_1]

it sounds like you are overwhelmed and you’re not getting enough help from your partner. I always find getting therapy the best way to get some relief. You need a safe place to just vent to an empathetic ear (therapist) and maybe they can give suggestions on how to get some help from all the responsibilities you have…Just a thought?

[TROSET in reply to Getoutside_1]

I know you are right, I am just struggling to find time. I wake up between 4-5 am to get myself ready and my kids lunches and breakfast made. Then I get them up and ready and off to school. It's a drive this year because there was re-districting so I have to go to 3 different schools for drop off and pick up. There is no bus to where we are. Then I take care of our farm animals and pets before squeezing in some homework. I work at our shop from 10-5 unless it is our busy season then it's longer hours. If it is slow, I squeeze in more homework. I only leave to pick up my girls. After I have to take care of animals again, get dinner going (husband really does a lot for this), help with kids homework, then get them ready for bed. Homework for me again then household chores. Weekends are for chores, kids errands, work related items, and more college. My dad is also a recovering alcoholic that requires a lot of attention and I am the only one he confides in so I am at his place a lot during this time helping too. I am stretched thin. Is there such thing as therapy via email? That might be my only option at this point.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to TROSET]

Something is going to have to give. Somehow you’ll need to find a way to care for yourself. That’s just based on my experience. I took care of both my parents while working a full time job. I tried to pay attention to my marriage. And keep up with the housework. I almost ran myself into the ground.

I took a time inventory. Marking down all the daily/weekly activities. Including sleep. Showering. Coffee in the morning. Everything. I was appalled. I was trying to spend more time than I had!

I ended up having to let some things go. Ask for some help. And rearrange my schedule to one of sanity.

Being a recovering alcoholic myself, my first thought is to make your father responsible for his own sobriety. That’s what AA (and other avenues) is for. You’re not his sponsor. Nor can you be responsible for keeping him sober.

While being the caretaker for my husband recently during an illness, it was pointed out to me by a number of people - including my therapist - that I can’t give from an empty cup. You’re not going to be any good to anyone if you burn out.

Keep posting. We’re here for you.

[TROSET in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

He did finally enter AA and it has been amazing for him. But my mom left him at his lowest and he struggles with all being by himself. My brother and sister are also alcoholics and my other sister lives in another state. I am basically just a companion and friend to keep him grounded. I love him and support him, but sometimes I don't have the energy or love to give and that makes me feel terrible.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to TROSET]

I know what it’s like trying to support an alcoholic. But it can be draining at times. My daughter was an alcoholic too. Who was in and out of the program. It was a lot of work. I used the help of Alanon to learn how to take care of me. I’m not suggesting you need to add that to your already full plate. That’s just how it worked for me.

I hope you can get some relief soon.

[TROSET in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

I have never heard of that. I will at least look into it. Thank you.

[Getoutside_1 in reply to TROSET]

there are plenty of options for e-visits. Many therapists can do remote therapy. This is a great option and very convenient.

[Elizabeth830]

In my experience there is nothing I can say to my husband so that he can understand what I am going through when I have a depressive episode. At my worse, his instinct is to find something else to do away from me which adds to my depression. My son, age 27 on the other hand has had some depression and completely gets it. Can some of your older children help the younger children with their homework to give you a break. I am a teacher and I can't imagine anyone could fail a subject if their mom took a couple of nights off from helping with homework. You need to take care of yourself, which is easier said than done...I am aware of that too. 😀 So many people in my life have said, take a bath, get your nails done...it doesn't help.

Running a business with your husband has to be stressful in itself. I used to work for my husband's family's business. Maybe you just need a sick day. You will feel guilty at first but as the day goes on, you realize that they can live without your help for a day (They might not think so, but I guarantee they will survive).

[TROSET in reply to Elizabeth830]

Unfortunately there is no sick days at our business since Covid hit. We can no longer afford employees so it is just the two of us and we need both of us for the production and retail side. If one is out the place is closed and that is our only income. Thankfully my oldest daughter is 15 and has been a wonderful homework help to my younger two, but that doesn't help when she is in need and she is in an early college program where she attends highvschool on a college campus. Even when I had surgery a year ago I was back to work the next day with crutches and pain pills making it work.

[Elizabeth830 in reply to TROSET]

From your additional information, I can see why you are struggling. We are all here for you. I know for me, venting helps a lot.

[Dolphin14 in reply to TROSET]

This does explain so much more.

[Dolphin14]

After reading your post I would say it's no wonder you aren't doing well.

Sounds like you are carrying the weight in your household.

You have to take time for you. Some things are going to need to be put on the back burner so that you can. I'm reading you are doing everything for everyone else to keep them happy.

It's time for you. Please try and do something for yourself.

🐬