Feeling completely lost and helpless. Please help

[Hugsforyou28]

Hi all sorry if this becomes a long story. I'll try to make it as short as possible but I would really appreciate some advice and words of encouragement as I've struggle long enough and need some words of comfort. I am 28 years old and suffer from a slew of mental illnesses including anxiety, major depressive disorder, anorexia, and to make matter even worse I am also an alcoholic. I have been to treatment various times in my life and the need to drink always supersedes my willingness to get sober. I lost my son's father years ago to suicide; that's when all of my mental illnesses quickly headed towards a vicious downward spiral. I have since married and had my daughter. I'm so very fortunate to have a husband that is still miraculously with me even though I've put him through hell and back. I have not been thr best mom I know I'm capable of being. I'm so tired of fighting this battle of depression and anxiety. I lost my job that I worked so hard for. My new job causes me to have anxiety when I'm there and am working towards going back to school to give myseld the opportunity for a better life for me and my family. I don't have friends because I isolate myself and I don't tell my family what's going on because I'm sure they're sick of hearing it. I just feel so exhausted and lost in what feels like an infinite abyss of darkness and fear. I feel like I'm drowning and watching my life deteriorate right before my eyes. It's so scary because I know I need to get better for my kids and my husband but nothing has helped. Not therapy, meds, rehab. I don't want to die. I want to live a life that I'm proud of. I want to be a better person...

[Concernedparent23]

I'm glad you posted here.

Sometimes just getting it out in words help to make sense of what is churning round in our heads.

I can really hear that you're tired and sick of feeling this way, And your frustration at being stuck.

But I can also hear you willing things to change for the future and not wanting to die. This is massive, hold on to it. Along with your husband and children it's the golden thread that's going to bring you back to where you want to be.

It's so indescribably hard to deal with the suicide of someone you cared about, my hear goes out to you.

You talk about not being the best mom and wanting to be a better person. Please be kinder to yourself, we all do this negative self talk and it's so corrosive, sometimes we need a reminder to be kind to ourselves.

Reading your words it's clear you are a kind, caring person but who is struggling with these illnesses. You don't need to be a better person, you're already enough.

You just need some help with this stuff. The treatments you had in the past didn't work for you. Maybe they weren't the right treatments or the right therapists or at the right time for you.

Please hold on to that golden thread and ask your husband to help you find another therapist/ treatment/ some counselling to help with the suicide of your sons' father.

And keep on trying, you will get there. I believe in you. You are enough x

[sweetiepye in reply to Concernedparent23]

What a wonderful reply. It did me good. Thank you. Just passing through, Pam

[Hugsforyou28 in reply to Concernedparent23]

WOW! I'm am truly touched by this response. Its people like you; the kind, caring, encouraging people that make this scary thing we call life a much more beautiful and comfortable place to live. Thanks so much for the thoughtful and kind words. Hearing that I'm enough gives me the courage to believe that i actually am when every negatively powered thought of my being is telling me I'm nothing but a failure and disappointment. Its those very thoughts that people believe and drive themselves to suicide. Its people like you that reach your hands out to help complete strangers, even if its a post on a website and kind words- its much more powerful than you may think. Thank you for recognizing that I am trying and that I am kind and caring- its hard to remember the positive things in the midst of a depression. And thank you for reminding me that it is indeed a golden thread that I say " I don't want to die". I don't know you but i can tell you are a wonderful person, though I don't know you, this has brought me such peace and comfort. I appreciate you!

(Also I'm sorry for the late response. Between 2 kids, work, and school i tend to get a little caught up in the daily hustle bustle of busy living. I hope you don't take offense to my late response.)

[Concernedparent23 in reply to Hugsforyou28]

No offence taken whatsoever - I'm just thankful to see you here posting.

I'm glad you got some comfort from my words, that means a lot to me.

I'm not sure I'm that wonderful though, otherwise my son might not have attempted suicide twice this last year and we didn't know he was hurting so much inside.

I'm here to try to understand more about this desperately cruel illness as he isn't able or willing to talk about how he's feeling at all. He's only 17.

I want to help and support him so much but some days I don't know what to do at all apart from physically being there for him.

I'm truly appreciate being able to read people's posts here. Everyone's situation and feelings are unique to them of course but I feel so much better informed about the daily struggles people can face, and I'm encouraged when I read of people beginning to feel better.

But this wasn't supposed to be about me.

How are you doing today?

Wishing you much peace and comfort x

[Hugsforyou28 in reply to Concernedparent23]

Hey there. You being here to learn about mental illness for thr sake of your son shows how concerned and caring you are. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. When my ex passed from suicide it caused a massive amount of depression And guilt by everyone who knew him. He had a wonderful life and wonderful parents and it was truly a shock to all of us. He reached out for help from me the night that it happened but I was too angry with him to respond (we were fighting during this time) so of course I felt extremely guilty and somewhat responsible (and still do). Being someone who has struggled with suicidal ideation and self harm and some attempts myself , my advice as a mother and daughter of a loving caring mother is this: tell your son about your own personal struggles in life with depression. This will create a safety zone for him to be more open. I talk to my son about my struggles with alcohol. This sets an example of open and uncomfortable communication and will make him feel that you understand him and will help him open up about his true feelings. Not to blame my mom but she isn't an open person when it comes to deep emotions..I've learned from early childhood that I shouldn't open up either. Tell him personal things you have felt maybe you'll both realize you have much more in common that you may think. People commit suicide because they feel they have no other way out. No one else who will under stand or listen. They don't want to "burden" people with their emotional struggles. Take him for a nice drive in nature and sit and tslk. Reassure him that whatever he says will not hurt you but it will make you feel better as a mom to know he's comfortable enough to speak with you. From there, create a plan of action. Do activities like yoga or some hobbies you can set aside one night of the week to do together and connect. Please let me know if there's anything else I can do. Feel free to ask questions. If I can help someone struggling with suicide , it's healing for me to know I can help!

[Concernedparent23 in reply to Hugsforyou28]

Thank you for your words. I truly appreciate your thoughts and trying to help.

We're fairly open as a family about our feelings but I've been trying to find ways of talking about mine more around him since I read what you suggested.

It's not easy as he's very shut down and doesn't speak very much at all - especially about his feelings or about his suicide attempts.

I'm trying to gently encourage him to eat more, exercise, get out of the house etc but I don't want to push him or nag him or cause him any more distress.

Before his first attempt we did go to yoga together but he doesn't want to now.

We try to get him to connect and join us in the evenings, usually he just wants to stay in his room.

I'm sure he's trying not to burden or upset us, he's always been a very considerate person, but it means that we're completely in the dark about how he's feeling and why and it's so hard to know what to do to support him best.

I hope to be able to do what you suggest and put in place a plan of action when the time is right.

At the moment I'm just being here if he needs me. The minute he feels like he can open up or wants to engage then i'll be here waiting.

It must be very difficult for you living with the guilt of feeling responsible for your ex's actions. I hope you find some peace with that, you're a good and caring person who doesn't deserve that burden. Please know your words have been very helpful to me.

Hugs x

[old-soul]

I don't think you need to try to keep anything to 50 words or less. Really, if someone doesn't want to read a long post, they just move along.

Breathe. Long - slow - steady- even. It honestly sounds like you actually need to slow down a bit. Sobriety is like catching butterflies in your back yard. First, you have to attract them before you go running around like a maniac blindly swinging the butterfly net wildly. Sounds like you may have bumped your poor head once or twice in the process too.

I'll be saying some prayers for you and your young family. In the meanwhile, maybe try not to be so hard on yourself, ok? The way we all talk to ourselves is awful. If we talked to our friends the way we talk to ourselves, they would probably smash us right in the nose.

Be nice to youself, because you are the one person that you can't get away from, so start making up and playing nice with you.

[Hugsforyou28]

Hey I wanted to thank you for your reply and I'm sorry for such a delayed response. I actually give the same advice to people posting similar posts drowsed in negative self talk. Now if we could only take our own advice I'm sure we would all be in a much better place! I want to thank you for reaching out and showing support. Its a beautiful peace of hope in a dark and lonely place to know there are others that want to help that understand the struggles of depression and anxiety. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. It means a lot to people like me.