Hi everyone, my name is Sara and I am 22 years old. I have lived with debilitating anxiety and depression for almost a year or so now. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 this last year. The anxiety is so crippling that I oftentimes find it hard to drive to new places for fear that I will get lost, and it’s hard to hold down a job and function normally. I don’t currently have a job and I’m about to begin intensive outpatient group therapy at a local hospital. I’m very nervous. I moved to New York two years ago with my boyfriend and to say the least, nothing worked out well for me in New York. It was failure, after failure, after failure. Especially with jobs. Upon moving back to my home state of Florida, he broke up with me and I pushed away my best friend in the midst of everything so I no longer have her for support, either. I’m living with my parents in an apartment and have been sleeping on the couch. Nothing seems to be going right. A lot of times, I wish I were dead. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this black hole, this pit I am in. It seems like I am below rock bottom and looking up at it. My resume is less than impressive so it’s hard for me to get a job, even without the paralyzing anxiety that pairs with it. I feel so hopeless and powerless to this mental illness. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I’ve been seeing a therapist weekly, and that helps, but only minutely. My first appointment with my new psychiatrist is tomorrow morning. I saw a psychiatrist in New York and she diagnosed me with GAD, depression, ADD, and Bipolar 2 disorder. I am hoping to find a course of medication that works for me, as this antipsychotic mood stabilizer I’m on doesn’t seem to work very well. I’m so young but I feel like I have NOTHING to live for. I feel like I am a disappointment to my family because I’m so deep in this pit of mental illness I’m immobilized and can’t seem to take any action. I know I have to want to get better in order to get better, but I want it so badly and I just can’t seem to pull myself out.
Sincerely,
Hopeless
Written by
Righteoustakeme
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Oh my god. Hi. I can relate to this post so much. I, too, have debilitating depression & anxiety. I’m 27 years old & I have been unable to work since Feb of 2018. I know what you’re going through. It’s so hard to shake mental illness. I don’t currently have all of the words to say that could make it better, but I wanted you to know that you’re not alone in dealing with this. I’m agoraphobic & have a fear of leaving my home. It kind of came upon me suddenly after a trauma & even though I was making a lot of progress, it’s currently worse than it’s been since it really began. So I know what you’re going through on that. I feel like a failure in so many ways too. I hope your parents are supporting you, because this isn’t your fault. This is a disease & like most diseases, we need treatment, support, & understanding from our family or friends. I’m sorry that you lost your boyfriend & your best friend. I lost my best friend too & it’s been really difficult to deal with things alone, but coming here has helped so much, because there’s so many genuine souls on this site that are waiting to get to know you & become your confidant. I’m one of them. Take care, girlie & don’t give up the good fight. Xoxoxo
Glad to know I’m not alone. I developed agoraphobia while I was in New York because of the snow and ice. I kept to myself and stayed inside. I never drove anywhere. I’ve been out of work since July 2018. I wish I could just go on disability but my parents say that that’s giving up so they won’t let me. Thank you so much for sharing. It’s been so hard trying to trudge through each day without purpose and without income. ): I’m so tired
I know what you mean. It took everything in me to finally apply for disability, but what else can we do when we need income, but we are unable to work? Im now at the beginning of it. I have to go see one of their doctors in April & I am so prepared for a denial, but I plan to keep fighting for it. I am hoping that I only need it for maybe a year or two, but you never know. I don’t think it’s giving up as much as it’s trying to find some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. You don’t have to be on it forever. I’m here for you if you need to talk. 💜
Disability is a slippery slope, although there can be times in our lives we need help, it can make a person extremely complacent. I have seen people wallow in their illness, and live in abject poverty because they figure it is better then trying to get better, it is a very sad state. Disability is not meant to be lived on forever.
Definitely know what you are talking about, especially with failure and disappointment - i struggle with those feelings and thoughts too.
I look around and all I see is everything where I have failed, all the times where I didn't 'measure up' or missed the mark when it came to achieving a goal i had. Plus, i feel like i must be a disappointment to my parents/family ... because i am a disappointment to myself.
You hang in there Sara. Know that you are not alone.
Yeah, it’s hard to not constantly think about my various failures and all the times I’ve quit something because I found it too anxiety ridden of a situation. That’s where I feel like I’m a disappointment. To myself and others. /:
You are not a failure. Just by still being here, you are a fighter. I definitely can identify and empathize with that line of thinking and feeling.
I know how you feel, I felt like that when I first got ill, it does get better, first off, do you believe you have all 3 of them diagnosis ?
Have you tried not taking antidepressants and antipsychotics ?
When I first got ill, I was put on antidepressants, which had bad side effects, it's the longest I took to recover.
Once I stopped taking all of these I started to recover.
However I still had my ups and downs. Which could lasts for months at a time.
10 years later I went to get help and got put on antipsychotics, they just regulated my sleep for a month then I stopped them. I cracked on with life.
Something happened in November where my sleep and anxiety triggered again, I got put back on the anti psychotics, and took them for about 3 months, I now feel just as hopeless as I had 10 years ago.
So my conclusion is, the meds make things worse.
I believe psychiatry is a guessing game, all 3 of your diagnosis have similar symptoms.
Ask them to treat just your anxiety, no anti depressants, no anti psychotics.
See how you go ?
The thing I will never understand about antipsychotics is, they were developed for psychosis, yet psychosis can be caused by a range of things, not necessarily psychiatric or mental health.
I have never felt as bad as I did on anti psychotics and I will never touch them again as long as I live, one psychotic can stop psychosis as can one sleeping tablet.
I have major doubts about psychiatry now and any drug that can take 20 years of your life should never be given permanently unless your an absolute danger to yourself or others.
Believe me when I say I know exactly how you feel, your not alone
Yeah, I went off of my antipsychotic for about a week and it seemed to help but then I had a mental breakdown and at the whim of my GP and therapist I went back on them. I don’t know what’s going to help at this point. And no, I’m not sure if I actually have all three of those diagnoses. I know I have GAD, and Depression...but I’m not sure about the bipolar 2 and ADD. when I got put on ADD medication it was like I was on coke, and not in the enjoyable way. Like, shaky and stuttering. I was on Prozac for awhile but it made me really suicidal. I’ve been on a few different meds, I can’t remember them all but yeah it’s been trial and error consistently. It’s annoying.
So ask them to take you off anti psychotics and give you anxiety tablets, you will get a breakdown of you are left without anything to deal with your anxiety. I ended up at accident and emergency this morning with my anxiety, I think it's the first time anyone actually listened to me, I tried to explain that my anxiety is what's causing all the other problems. Please if you can, ask them for anxiety meds, and no anti psychotics just see if it works. They are giving you antipsychotics when young like just have anxiety tablets
I was in a similar condition when I was 23 ( a long time ago). You have plenty of time to straighten out what's wrong. Don't dwell on past failures - in five years from now, you might be doing things that you don't even know about today. You have the precious gift of time, so try to be patient and get through this one step at a time. This all will pass.
Thank you so much, I really hope that things get better for me. Time is of the essence, trying to be patient. I hope five years from now I’ll be better. I want to get better, so badly...here’s to hoping!
Hi there! You are so very young.... you have everything ahead of you. Don’t worry about disappointing anyone. You are only responsible for yourself. It’s okay to have a shakey resume at 22! Get some new threads, some new meds and move forward! You can do it. I know cause ....I’ve been absolutely in the toilet but I kept swimming .... too many detail to bore you with...... but please don’t give up
When this all hits you at first, you convince yourself that your hopeless, I did it, I took redundancy,locked myself indoors went on benefits, it was the worst mistake I ever made, the antidepressants I was given made me think taking redundancy was the best option, my best decision Integer made was to stop taking anti depressants, request sleeping tablets, which help with insomnia and anxiety, got a job and got myself out not that hole, don't get me wrong the job lasted 4 months and I was depressed after I quit, but its a learning curve.
Since then I've had about 6 jobs, I'm now self employed, I never went back on anti depressants, I just rode out the depressions locked myself off , knowing the good days were going to come back, I realised that getting sleeping tablets wen things aren't good helped, the only thing is I didn't ask for them often enough, in July 2017 I went into crisis was given a lorazapam tablet and a week's worth of zopiclone, the doctor didn't see me again until March, because I balanced my sleep, relaxed my anxieties and got back to functioning properly again, which keeps me busy and stops me slipping down again.
Unfortunately the doctor I seen in March refused to give me sleeping tablets and I was almost psychotic with sleep deprivation, which then had me down as with paranoid traits.
I have suspected ADHD but the whole process of being refused sleeping tablets or anything for my anxiety, made it seem like I had personality disorder, because I had become paranoid and erratic
This is my plan now, to seek a GP who will work with me and understand that I only want help when I have become dysfunctional, with sleeping tablets that will calm my anxiety and help me sleep . I really can relate to what your going through, if your on meds now and your feeling like this,clearly the meds aren't working.
Don't be like me and believe that taking what they give you will work, it won't, the time I was on meds was the worst time of my life. I felt exactly how you feel.
Right now your not doing well, your not seeing a future, because your on meds that are making you feel like that.
When we are anxious or depressed we only think of the negatives coz that is our way of thinking with this dreadful illness. I find it helpful to consciously consider the positives too as we all have them but they get buried underneath all the crap. Dig yours out and make a list and you will see them more clearly.
It all depends on how you see them too. Try not to think of your move to New York as a 'failure'. Ok it didn't work out for you but you tried and there must have been some things you liked about the place, or a friend you made etc. I think you are very brave to try this and next time you do to there or someplace else it will be a success.
There is no shame and definitely no failure in trying something and not being able to get what you need there. It's called life and you live and learn. x
I have ADHD, treatment resistant depression, anxiety disorder, PTSD, bell's palsy, binge eating disorder, neuropathy, degenerative arthritis in my neck and back, and scoliosis. I'd list all my other conditions but I have things to do. I lost half my life to something pills couldn't touch. I had ECT which was ineffective. Then when I was in my 40's I was excepted into a study, I was willing to try anything. This new drug worked. It was called Ketamine. I got something I never had before, control over my life. I lost two hundred pounds, Started my own business, and work with my psychologist and psychiatrist to keep what I never had before, a life! There are only 3 people in my state that can (legally) take this medicine, I am one of the three. I am going to be 49 years old next week, and I can say I have never been happier. My life is not perfect, no ones is, but as long as you can have a shred of hope, you can survive. There is an answer, find it, fight for it. As tortured as I was by my issues, I kept fighting like warrior, I kept refusing to give up. It was a battle I refused to lose. You are 22, that is something to live for, you don't have nerve pains that burn through your whole body, that is something to live for, everyday life has endless possibilities, that is something to live for. Be the one that defies the odds, I did, and I will continue too. I believe you can too. Depression gives us tunnel vision so we see no way out, if your meds do not work, then demand your doctors change them, get into studies that are searching for answers. If you need support from fellow depressed or bipolar people, go to DBSA. (depression bipolar support alliance) They have free online meetings, and if you are lucky they even have meetings in person. You can go to the support group online, and talk to people who are going through what you are going through, and since everyone knows your experiences because they live them, no one judges you, they just support you. Please look into the website, I wish you the best of luck.
I cried while reading this; I can relate so much. I wish I had an answer for you. I still have not found one myself and I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for years.
I’m almost 30. Single. Living at home. I have held a job for 10 years but I am miserable there.
I’m sorry that I don’t have any words of encouragement but I hope it somewhat helps to know you’re not alone.
Hello- I’m very sorry you are going through a tough time. I pray that you will not lose hope and keep going.
Try to join a support group that you will meet in person, it can help you to feel less lonely. In some local churches, they have different groups available for all ages and willing to help those who are in need of hope. I hope you will experience peace in spite of all you are going through.
Please stay in the forum and I hope you will be encouraged. God bless, please keep us posted.
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desperate for safe mood stabilizers
New to the site, Bipolar I and depression 
Anybody prescribed Seroquel for sleep?
“Think Positively” makes me angry
