Depression from divorce

[amandavana]

I am at my wits end with my life. I went from a wonderful, perfect marriage and the perfect life to living back with my mother, jobless and still suffering verbal abuse from the bastard I had an affair with. In addition to this, I suffer from anxiety regarding fear of death and natural disasters. So I’m kinda a mess. I used to have all my ducks in a row, financially independent and well off, very caring of others and myself but am now this selfish, lazy, no body.

I’ll tell u what, I don’t currently have health insurance because I don’t currently have a job (and here’s the kicker- I’m over qualified for California care because I’m still legally married) so that’s just swell. And do u have ANY idea how hard it is to seek mental or physical help without insurance?!.. well needless to say this is why I have ended up using an app on my cell phone for some type of support / venting system.

Ultimately I just want to rewind time, and make my life Normal again but it can’t seem to kick this addiction I have to the man that I had an affair with. He has taken over my self esteem, confidence, and self worth. I left my husband for this once kind and loving piece of shit.

I’m just feeling hopeless. My family keeps asking where the old amanda go?.. and I just cry and throw up my arms and tell them I don’t know.

I’ll be 30 years old in July and I have NOTHING to show for it.

I am feeling like the biggest failure to ever walk this planet.

Yours truly,

Lonely Cali girl trying to find her way.

[North123]

Don't be so hard on yourself, your still young enough to start over, first get rid of this guy . Start concentrating on you and only you. Get your head right. Stay single for a minute.

[jkl5500]

You are still very young, and you have plenty of time to correct your mistakes and live a happy life.

I don't want to hit this too hard, but there must have been marital problems that led to your affair. It's very unlikely that a person in a wonderful, perfect marriage would cheat on his or her spouse. You might want to take a look at what went wrong, so you don't make the same mistakes the next time.

I'm sorry you feel so low right now, but you definitely have time on your side. I wish you well.

[amandavana in reply to jkl5500]

The funny thing is that literally my marriage was perfect in every aspect. What happend was I got a little bored and a guy at work gave me a little bit too much attention ... and after time I caved. My marriage failed because I let my guard down. But anyway. I am young sure but I am an old soul and the guilt is eating me alive. I am fixated on something so toxic and it’s literally ruining my life day by day. What I need help with is HOW to let go of that relationship and accept what I’ve done and forgive myself. I’m so stuck.

[jkl5500 in reply to amandavana]

I don't know if you are a religious person, but a visit with a minister may help with the guilt and the need for self-forgiveness.

[amandavana in reply to jkl5500]

I am not unfortunately. U are not the first one to suggest that. But I’m just not comfortable with that idea.

[jkl5500 in reply to amandavana]

Well, at least they won't charge you for the visit.

[amandavana in reply to jkl5500]

This is true! I appreciate that suggestion keeping in mind that I am on a budget. Thx

[jkl5500]

How you deal with this is your choice. But you have to start somewhere, and I think you need some counseling help of some sort to get through this. I wouldn't feel embarrassed about going because you're not a regular church-goer. I'm sure they meet people like that all the time. I just hope you get started with something, somewhere.

[amandavana in reply to jkl5500]

I agree! Thx for the encouragement.

[Robbie138]

You came here, so that’s a start. I’m sure many people have felt like you and may be able to give you some advice or just chat. I don’t think going to a therapist can do any better than the chat that you get here for free. ( I know money is tight ) hang around and put up as many posts as you like or need too, sometimes that helps just writing it down, someone will be in the wings to answer you.

Take care you will get through this. 🤗