Broken family

[ally_99]

Where do I even begin... I’m 19 and this thing that happened was back in 2009 so I was 9 1/2 or 10 not sure. It sucks bc I remember every single detail and it will forever be in the back of my mind. As much as I try to forget about it or if I’ve forgotten about it for a few days or however long, it always finds a way back into my mind. So mora of this point is that my mom cheated on my dad. Not just once, but multiple times. That created so many trust issues and worrying for me. I was always in between this bs bc my dad would always tell me everything about what he felt or what he thought and it would and still does bring me down. ALL THE TIME... I think bc of what my dad would always tell me how he didn’t trust my mom anymore, made me into who I am today, that I think everyone is going to betray me or is lying to me. My dad created that barrier in my mind for everyone who comes into my life. He is the reason that I am who I am today. I have trust issues bc of him. And what sucks more is that I didn’t realize this until just a few days ago. I have always looked up to my dad, but now I’ve been distancing myself more from my family. They’re the ones who have hurt me the most. My mom bc of what she did to ruin this “family”, and my dad bc I guess he created all of us to pick sides (even tho we didn’t). What kills me and I always wonder this the most is that, why did my parents stay together? Why didn’t they get a divorce? Everything would’ve been so much easier. For me bc I took this whole thing the hardest and I still cry bc of it, even if it’s been years it still hurts. At this point in my life I just wish they weren’t together anymore... I’m scared of being in a relationship or getting engaged or married bc of this. I have an amazing guy by my side, but we’re not official at the moment (we’ve broken up here and there, were good now) we have our issues but we try to talk things out, my older brother has his fiancé, but they have their issues as well. And it’s just my little brother that I’m worried about bc he’s not aware of anything bc he was just baby when my mom first cheated. When I don’t tell my parents everything, my dad takes it to heart and always thinks I’m lying (I can’t blame him for what he’s gone through) but if I’m safe wherever or whoever I’m with, that’s all that should matter. He always compares me to my mom and that breaks me to pieces bc I don’t want to be like her but I think I am. I’ve cheated and I’m not proud of it. I hate even saying that word it just sounds so disturbing. I think bc of what my dad went through, he sees me as her and if I lie about something it’s like he’s reliving it. All of this I just realized a few days ago and it makes sense. I try my best to get out of the house bc I hate being here and no one understands that. I don’t like when ppl come over bc this isn’t a home like a home is where everyone gets along and love life, my family isn’t like that... I have no one to talk to about this tbh and if I do I literally hate talking about myself. If I don’t let out what I feel or think, I drive myself crazy and I just want to be left alone bc I turn into such a moody person. I want to go see a therapist again and be able to talk about my feelings and thoughts, but I haven’t looked up any and I don’t want to go to my old one. I need someone I can trust and feel a good vibe with while I talk about what’s been going on. I just want to be happy...

[-Sasha-]

You and my ex have very similar stories. His mom cheated, his dad caught them and chased the guy around the house. His mom ended up leaving his dad, taking all the kids with her to a different state and they struggled living out of their suitcases and hotels (I only tell you this because you mentioned wishing your parents would have divorced, and although i understand your reasoning, it doesn't mean that the alternative would have been any better) I honestly feel that this was a traumatic experience for him and he now has major trust issues because if it. It's actually why I ended things, I couldn't take the constant suspicion, questions, looking over my shoulder, etc. I think it's something that can only be helped by therapy. It might be time for you to try and heal from these wounds because if you let them go untreated for so long, it can negatively affect your relationships more than you think.

~S~

[ally_99 in reply to -Sasha-]

I agree.. my friend has told me the same thing, that I should get help so I don’t have these negative feelings affecting my life

[ksquig]

You are taking the right steps by recognizing that you need to talk with a therapist. They will help you.

Remember, you are not your mom no matter what your dad says. He shouldn’t be unloading all of his pain on you or comparing you with her.

Even if you did cheat, you are not destined to be her. You cheated at a teen your mom did this as an adult with a spouse and family. You are destined to do it again.

This site is great and we are always here to support you!

[ally_99 in reply to ksquig]

Thank you

[socratesanne]

Sounds like you have the makings of a great relationship with your present love interests. Build a solid future that is yours and not tainted by the sins of the family or origin. You are going to be making your own future, your own nuclear family eventually. You deserve a great future.

[ally_99 in reply to socratesanne]

Thank youu