Sexual assault by a family member

[Wowzerzzz]

First things first, what I’m going to say is not rape, but I’m not totally sure what to call it other than sexual assault.

Basically when I was around 13 years old (I’m 20 now), my older male cousin, maybe around 15-16 at the time, groped me with his boner in bed, kissed my neck, stomach, and legs, and just did all kinds of inappropriate stuff. I didn’t really stop it from happening, I was just kind of going with it. I’m extremely “sheltered” today and was back then, so I didn’t understand the possible severity of what happened. Ive never thought much about it since then because I hated the feeling I got when I thought about it, which I realize now may be trauma?

But, I just got news that his stepdad, my uncle, used to rape my other cousin, my uncles stepson. Since that information came out, my uncle and his wife, my moms sister, are getting a divorce and things are just tense. But hearing what happened just really hit me because I’ve finally realized what my cousin did to me years ago. I’ve been breaking down crying all day because I don’t know what to do. Do I tell my mom? It is her sisters son and I don’t want to ruin family ties even more. Not to mention my dad would literally go ballistic. And the humiliation I’d feel! And, I don’t even know if it’s his fault. What if this is all my fault because I didn’t stop it. Then again he was older. I’m just not sure what to do.

I didn’t include every single thing I experienced and felt in this post, but I feel like this sums it up. Please give advice! Literally never been through anything like this.

[argh52]

You are in no way responsible for what was done to you. He did what he did. There is a PROFOUND difference between a) doing something and b) not stopping someone else from doing something.

He did this. You did nothing.

I'm sorry it's all coming out. That is a lot and it is painful. Do you have anyone you can turn to? It's too much to handle by yourself. You should consider therapy.

Stay strong. Take care of yourself.

[Wowzerzzz in reply to argh52]

Well that’s the thing I don’t have anyone to turn to except my mom. She’s my best friend. And therapy is expensive and I’m on my parents insurance so they’ll want to know what’s up.

[Kkimm in reply to Wowzerzzz]

Hi

So sorry to hear what you went through. You are in no way to blame. You said you are very close to your mum so I do think you should tell her but ask her to not tell anyone else about it.

Very good luck.

Kim

[optimuscoolbeans]

Prayers going your way from me. Sorry that this was done to you.

[Wowzerzzz in reply to optimuscoolbeans]

Thanks so much

[Hidden]

There’s lots of unknowns for us...like is this cousin still in your life? Are you crying because of the stress of this secret or do you really feel damaged by these events? I would bet that this was something done to him as well - if the perpetrator was his dad then he may have been sexually abused as well. It’s a difficult decision. It’s a choice between airing it all out during this time everything is coming out anyway - like bring the entire history to light, or do not tell the family and just confide in friends and therapist. Speaking from experience by the way. It’s a personal choice. I chose to keep it to myself to not ruin the small, already broken family I have left.

[Wowzerzzz in reply to Hidden]

He’s not in my life, I haven’t seen him in years. But I see his mom all the time and she’s my moms best friend. I think I was crying because it kind of just hit me what happened. I spent so long ignoring it or thinking it was okay. Now I’m not sure what to do because it was so long ago, and I can’t recall correctly some of it. Like I feel like I was pressured to say yes to certain things because he was older. And it’ll just seem like I wanted it.

[Hidden in reply to Wowzerzzz]

I don’t think anyone in their right mind would believe a 13 yr old girl would have wanted to do those things with her cousin. How close are you with your mother and can she keep a secret? If these things are lacking then I would just talk to a therapist. Or write out letters to everyone to get things off your chest and then burn them. I honestly feel every woman has a me too story.

[hypercat54 in reply to Wowzerzzz]

Hi I am so sorry this happened to you but it is not your fault. He was older and he chose to do what he did and you had no part in it. Only a paedophile would believe that a 13 year old can make a choice whether to have sex or not - and this sounds like what your cousin believes.

It's up to you what you decide to do, but if it's affecting you badly then I would say tell your mum and she will get you the help you need. x

[Kc29]

Tell

[Want2BHappy3]

FIRST, it's NOT, NOT, NOT your Fault, you were afraid of what was going on. He was older than you so he took advantage of you. You should quit worrying about how anyone's going to react, they'll be able to handle it. Then later you'll feel for Not saying something? Shits already hit the Fan right?

[Hidden]

This is not your fault...you were a child...I know all too well about this..I was molested by 3 family members when young....if it were me I would tell your mom...you need her support at this time.....just remember this is NOT on you...shame on him is all I can say...I so feel for you and am here for you if you need to vent...feel free to pm me....

I wish you peace of mind...

Dump trucks of love, peace, light, joy n hugs for you!!!

[art62grammie]

From true life experience, I do know. I am 56 almost 57 and PTSD from childhood sexual abuse is horrible. I live daily and doing well. I will not allow my abuse to destroy me anymore. I had repressed every memory from childhood for 50 years. I became mentally ill with Anorexia at 14 because of the trauma. I lived with this Anorexic monster for 40 years before I sought treatment. I have been in treatment for almost 7 years now. I was a prisoner within myself all those years. I always knew my Anorexia was due to the abuse. What abuse happened to me? As my mind begins to heal with years of treatment. Just 3 years ago I begin to recall any of my past. Long story short. You are young and the right age for Anorexia and other things to kick in. Memories of abuse are devasting. It is also a reason for eating disorders. To control something in our life. Anorexia can take over at any age. I am not saying you will be afflicted by Anorexia. I am wanting you to be cautious. I never chose Anorexia it took me. My recent recovery of 3 years now is awesome. You be strong and I see you are hurting with the turmoil inside. Even with Ptsd from our abuse, we can live very happy prosperous lives. Take care and talk anytime. I could be a therapist with all the years I have been in treatment. LOL!

[Wowzerzzz in reply to art62grammie]

Thank you for sharing your story! I told my mom and am on the road to recovery

[56artist_ in reply to Wowzerzzz]

I just read your reply to me I know it's been two and a half weeks since I seen your post but you're welcome for sharing my story with you I tell anybody that needs help I'm I'm only a person that has been down some roads such as yours and many others and just want to be of any help of any kind and you take care recovery will get their believe me even if you have to daily wake up and remind yourself you will not let your past what happened to you to find the person that you are or that you can become be strong love you take care

[56artist_ in reply to 56artist_]

I'm speaking my text it wasn't supposed to come out fine the person you are today Define do not let the past Define who you are today wake up everyday and fight like a real Soldier be strong and you will win and recover

[smhall3]

I’m so sorry you went through this. None of it is your fault! You definitely need to tell your mom. You need help getting through the painful memories and trauma it has caused you, otherwise you will be dealing with it the rest of your life! Maybe try hypnosis to release the bad memories and be healed to move on.

Regardless of how you decide to proceed the first thing you need to do is tell your mom!!! You can’t keep it inside and to yourself, that’s too dangerous. Prayers and hugs to you!

[cschwemin]

First of all, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!! You were shocked and didn't know what to do! And, he, more than likely had been molested as well.

I suggest you seek out counseling to help sort it all out. A good counselor will help you and talking about it is vital to moving ahead. Good luck!

[Wowzerzzz in reply to cschwemin]

Thank you! And I plan on seeing a counselor very soon.

[Lavelock67]

Let me give you an alternative way to view this that is a path to freedom. Do you have physical scars or evidence of this? Where you held down or forced? If not, then it's just a memory of an awkward event that only has power you give it. Where I'm going with this is that don't give this power to haunt you. I was assaulted as a child as well, but honestly I have no scars, it really wasn't painful or forceful so it wasn't rape although very inappropriate. So why try to find problems in it just because other people told you it was bad? Analyze it with logic. Was it bad? Did it hurt you? What about it relates to today right now? Probably all zero or near zero and that's all it is. Humans are weird animals with all kinds of strange drives. Shame is a taught way to suffer. The past is just an illusion. It could even be fake implanted by aliens (who knows?). Live in the present and don't ever live in the past or future that is where anxiety and depression lives. The current moment is real, everything else is fake. This is how you escape anxiety and depression. Don't give power to memories or illusions. Forgive and move on. Don't fear anything. Strength and courage is freedom as well as seeing things for what they really are and how they relate to NOW. This inability to live in the NOW is 99.99% of the mental health crisis in the world today.

[Snowbear1]

I have been dealing with severe PTSD for awhile now. I was molested by my half sister's husband when I was 9,10, 11 years old. At 11, I finally got the nerve and told my mother, the only one I knew that would help me. But she didn't do much, told me I wasn't going to my sister house anymore and we were not going to start any problems for them!!! When I was that age, I just thought well ok. I had some how developed a brain block against it. When I started working at a former employer, I was 26 and for the next 10 years I was being sexually harassed by a co- worker. I played it off until I reached around 35 and couldn't deal with it anymore. Reported it to HR but he only was suspended for 1 week the 2nd time I reported it. It continued until I had a break down. That's when everything that my sister's husband did to me started flashing back. I no longer looked at this co worker as himself but as my sister's husband. I began to see every man like that. I struggle with this every single day and I confronted my mother before she passed away about it and I told her to please tell this man you knowed all along what he did. I texted my sister about this and not even one second she would believe me and wrote me, I still have it saved on my phone, telling me I am crazy and I wasn't her family anymore and never speak to her again. That added to what I already am feeling. I am now 43 and I had to quit that job I had for almost 14 years. I want some kind of justice for what he did. It's not fair I had and still have to deal with this, all the while he can walk around every where with his head held high because no one knows what he did.

[Wowzerzzz in reply to Snowbear1]

So sorry that happened to you. I know there are people in my family as well that will deny what happened and will blame me for the whole thing. That is why I’m considering just handling it on my own