feeling broken and don’t want to live anymore

[Summer95]

I have been through some pretty toxic relationships. My last ex ended up killing himself after a bunch of awful things he did to me, it took a lot of healing. I got my own place and was alone for a few years. This summer I started dating a good friend of mine, let’s say it got bad fast. He stopped working I took care of him he started using drugs in my home while I was at work he started degrading me and calling me awful names. I never thought this guy I knew for so long could do this to me and I told myself I would never open myself up again to someone the way I have in the past, but I thought I could trust him. We have been on and off the last six months even had a no contact order bc he kicked my door down. Two weekends ago we got in a fight and I told him I was really done. I haven’t heard from him since and the heartbreak is starting to really kick in. I’m heartbroken and I’m tired of being alone. I so badly just want him to fix what he broke but I don’t think he’s capable but how’s he just okay with everything he’s done? And something is clearly keeping him busy if he hasn’t contacted me which makes me think another woman. There’s no purpose for me when it’s me struggling through life by myself. I gained a bunch of weight after my ex died and so now I’m dealing with low self esteem bc of that. I just wish I could fall asleep and not wake up. My social anxiety keeps me alone in my comfort zone and it makes it hard to Maintan relationships.

[splash186]

summer95, I cannot tell you how sorry I am that you’re going through all of this. If the suicidal thoughts get any worse, please go to the hospital for support. None of this is worth your life though I know sometimes it feels so awful and it seems like there’s no way out of your pain.

The guy that you most recently ended things with sounds very sick and just not like he’s thinking rationally at all. He cares, and some day when he’s not using or has worked on his mental health, he will fell bad about what he’s done. You say your social anxiety keeps you isolated. I wonder if it might be helpful to make a couple tiny steps toward improving that. Avoiding social situations will unfortunately only make your anxiety worse. Maybe just take yourself out to the store once or twice a week. Something manageable. Here always if you want to talk more ♥️

[Starrlight]

❤️💜💙 my heart goes out to you

[JasmineJaz]

So sorry that you have to go through that... it all sounds so difficult... How could he do that, hurting someone who cares and needs him! I'm glad that there's at least a restraining order to keep him from more doing more damage. What he's done is not okay, he'll pay for it another day, but please focus on healing yourself now... If he doesn't give you that love and care then you'll have to love and care for yourself... It must be very difficult now but it will pass, it always will.

And don't worry about the weight, staying healthy is the most important. I am plus size and single myself, and it doesn't change the fun and happiness of reading a good book or listening to good music. There's also weight-loss support group when you feel up to it, so don't stress on that, there will always support and help.

Please have a nice warm glass of milk with honey before that sleep. And you will wake up in a jerk-free room.

[EndUser13]

For your own sake, I hope you are able to work through the heartache and care for yourself without having to have contact with someone who turned so toxic for you. Drugs (and alcohol) and change people, turning the nicest loved ones into impossible monsters. Try not to be too hard on yourself for another's flaws.

It will serve you far better to focus on what you do like about yourself than to harp on your own short comings. You can improve what you dislike, with effort and time of course but its possible, that has to count for something. Congratulations on being able to write this much to a group or relative strangers, give yourself credit for being social and honest with yourself about what's bugging you. Best wishes

[LAAG]

You are worth more than to be treated like that. Their behaviour is unacceptable and you don’t have to put up with that.

I know you are feeling alone and heartbroken but you need to build yourself a happy place away from this man. Don’t allow him back in your life.

I think you would benefit from some counselling. You have been through a lot and there are a lot of things you need to process.

Remember their behaviour is not because of you and it isn’t your fault.

Have you got any hobbies? Maybe join some groups and try as nd get out and meet some new people that enjoy like minded things and will support you when you are feeling vulnerable.

Good luck

[designguy]

I had social anxiety for years and didn't realize how much my low-self-esteem and low-self-worth was causing or contributing to it. It was also contributing to my inability to form and have healthy relationships. There is a lot of good info on youtube about healing your self-esteem and also for dealing with social anxiety. There wasn't a therapist that specialized in treating SA near me so I did a online program from the socialanxietyinstitute.org that helped. Dealing with your low-self-esteem can definitely help you in healing yourself and helping you to learn to set healthy boundaries and take better your relationship with yourself and others which can help in healing your social anxiety.

[Curry223]

Im sorry to hear about your ex and you and your current relationship. I want to let you know that you are not alone in this! Many people suffer from these feelings and you can get help ❤️

[fauxartist]

When I was younger I got into some unhealthy relationships because I was mentally injured, an abused kid. So I didn't value myself enough to think I deserved to really be happy and made a lot of rash decisions that didn't turn out well. I was told to start learning what I didn't want in a relationship, and to be more selective, and not be too impulsive...it takes a long time to get to know someone. Therapy and healing helped me to do that. I can only share what I had gone through, we are all different... but some things do cross the 't's and dot the 'i's with a lot of us.

[AnxiousCanadianChic]

Think of it this way, NO man or woman is worth taking your own life. I know many overweight people in loving healthy relationships and don’t let that even enter your mind.

My advice is when you meet another guy, take it slow and wait a really long time to live together.

[Midori]

Hi Summer,

I have been there, 15 years with an abusive husband does nothing for your self confidence, and you often feel the loss of that person deeply, even if they were toxic.

I had two kids to bring up, so I had to be strong for their sake. Can't say I didn't think about ending it, but the needs of the kids won out for me.

Had to find a job too, luckily there were some part time jobs going, so I grabbed one, so I could attend the kids' needs before going to work, and I got off before they came out.

Of course there were appointments with doctors and Psychologists; Didn't do a great deal for me, in the end I had to attend to my own demons, which I managed to do.

Give it time, Suicide is traumatic for everyone, and you were unlucky to get another abuser afterwards. Personally, I stayed solo, and didn't have another relationship.

Cheers, Midori

[jackiesj]

I hope you are doing better..