My story about family, coping with d... - Anxiety and Depre...

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My story about family, coping with depression, and lack of support

28 Replies

Hey everybody. I'm new. I've had depression and anxiety my entire life. I come from an EXTREMELY abusive family growing up as a little girl. I'm now in my 40s. My dad was physically and mentally abusive and an alcoholic. My dad should be in jail for what he has done. My mom never tried to help us. They divorced and she remarried after 1 month of knowing this guy. My step-dad never forged a relationship with me or my siblings, because "he's not our dad." However, he was always there to point out what we're were/are doing wrong, belittling, and always has to be right. He interferes with the relationship that I have with my mom...always butting in. He makes my mom choose between him or us, 'til this very day. When I was 9 or so, I remember my brother was having problems, so my step-dad said, it's either me or him. So my mom kicked my brother out of the house. She also kicked my sister out. I always tried to be perfect, because, at the time, my little brain was thinking I don't want to be kicked out. As I grew older, I cut off the relationship with my dad, went off to college at 18, my mom and her husband moved away. Years later my mom and her husband know everything that happened to all of us and zero empathy at all -just get over it. I can't stand my step-dad so my mom and I have falling outs. The fights have been worse since I moved to the same state they're living . I'm married and we have our house and our own life. I've tried so hard to have at least a relationship with my mom, but she keeps me at arms length. My husband doesn't understand why I don't cut her off. I am not sure either. Maybe it is because I long to have a parent that cares. It doesn't help that I am very isolated when I moved to a new state. No friends, job, etc.. It has been very difficult.

28 Replies

Sorry about that, I'm here if you every want to talk just message me

in reply to

Thank you so much

in reply to

Welcome anytime

in reply to

Thank you!

Yesterdayhurts profile image
Yesterdayhurts

I had a similar life growing up in an alcoholic family, super child was my way of dealing with it, afraid of making a mistake. Being a perfectionist, longing for just kind words and a relationship that didn't include belittling. My parents are both gone now, alcoholism, don't let go of what little relationship you have with your mom, just enjoy a Hi or how are you? Always keep It positive if you see it going any other way today's busy life is enough to make a reason to end the conversation. I would love to here my mom's voice again. Hope you can do it even though it s hard. Always hear to chat. Have a great day.

in reply to Yesterdayhurts

Thanks for your kind words. My step-dad continually butts in and it makes it hard. This year, my mom had a pacemaker put in and a shoulder replacement. In addition, she has severe arthritis, which makes it hard for her to keep her balance. A few weeks ago, my step-dad (SD) and my mom were leaving my house, she fell, I rushed out to help. I said maybe we should call 911. A big no!! from SD. Then I pleaded with them to go to ER and she said no, he yelled, no. They ended up going and my mom called me the next day to say, my SD said she always takes my side. (How immature). While my mom was visiting me, we had another fight about him . I just couldn't take it. 40 years of dealing with him and being the "good child." The "me vs. him" thing has worn me out and doesn't help my depression. Do he wins. I said, why don't we have a relationship over the phone. - it seems as though I am in the way. I feel like I never had a mom.

Yesterdayhurts profile image
Yesterdayhurts in reply to

You sound like a very caring daughter. The fact that you were right about the fall was probably a hard pill for him to swallow. He sounds as though he is insecure and controlling, the worst thing is that there is nothing you can do tochange him and remember that is a type of phycology abuse. This can be very hard on your mom and fact that she gets to see or speak to you at all might be a struggle. Most importantly enjoy what little time she affords to spend with you and count it as a blessing. I hope this has made you a great mom and you have developed life long bonds with your children. Breaking this cycle is what we can change. Hope your day is going well, and when you have time be sure to give your children an extra squeeze and let them know how important they are to you.

in reply to Yesterdayhurts

Thank you. You hit the nail on the head with my step-dad. I think there is something wrong with him, but didn't know what. Sometimes I think, yes, I have a name for my disorder, but just because you (mom, step-dad) do not doesn't mean you are not toxic or do not have issues. ... I actually decided not to have children, due to my depression. I don't think I would have been a great mom, because I never had a sense of myselfy. Even at 48, I do not know who I am. I love children I have 3 nieces and a nephew and I always tell them I 💙 love them. I was there when most of them were born and helped out.

Survivor4Ever profile image
Survivor4Ever

I can relate to some of what you are saying. I would say be more gentle with yourself. Have more compassionate for yourself and accept these things were out of your control. I became my own an advocate. Perhaps telling your husband you want to be your own advocate for yourself will help. Being your own advocate means speaking up for yourself and for the things that are important to you.Speak up for your rights and knowing responsibilities you take on. As well that you are able to make choices and decisions that affect your life for you.

hurtingheart1 profile image
hurtingheart1

I feel for you!!💞 To me it’s such the lack of love and compassion & empathy that is so terribly sad and heartbreaking!! 😂I have scars From harsh abusive words and msgs -I’m sure you do as well &that’s why ppl saying getting over it is really garbage but probably just helps them to ease the guilt if there is any left in there cold numb hearts??? It’s easy to say when you are devoid of emotions and feelings to just get over it move on!! And those wrong statements that are empty and cold!! As if someone doesn’t want to move on of coarse they do that’s the point right? To heal the issues and improve and move on not only but move forward to a much better healthier happier place!! So I agree with comments Below of survivor4ever- at-least you can love and care For yourself be own advocate and choose better for you! And I’m glad at least you have a home& family separated from them I do not so it’s much more difficult in a lot of ways!

in reply to hurtingheart1

Thank you. You put it perfectly. It's hard to move on when your own mother doesn't care at all that I was physically and mentally abused by my dad. My step-dad knows and says get over it. He even said he feels sorry for my dad!! Huh! I think, am I living in some alternate universe and what kind of mind game is this. I'm surprised I made it this far. It's hard though.

Hey! My story is very similar to yours, I come from a family where violence was normal and lack of support too

I rlly feel you cause I know how difficult it is to deal with chronic depression and anxiety but girl please never forget to include in your worst days all the things that have kept you alive, because only you know all the effort that it has cost you.

You are a fighter ❤️💥

in reply to bipolarsunshine99

Thank you. I don't know how I made it this far. Some therapists are surprised that I was able to make it this far and go to school etc...they ask how and I don't know. Some days, I do just want to give up. When things keep happening., I look up and think God (higher power, universe), is this a joke!? 😖

bipolarsunshine99 profile image
bipolarsunshine99 in reply to

I understand how you feel, it’s very important to continue seeking professional help and above all, find meaning in your life that makes your suffering feel like it was worth for something. Be that love or a project.

Best of luck

X01WOOG profile image
X01WOOG

I, too, came from a family where alcohol (father) played a part. I was the youngest child. I was always ignored or yelled at. I did have a Mommy Rose. She was beautiful, stayed at our home when I was born and she loved me. She left for good when I was very little but I always loved her. I really hated my sister who was 18 months older than I was. She was hit by a car when she turn three and I was eighteen months old. So my sister was loved, babied, cared for, knew a mother's love. In face, she was an adorable child. She had beautiful curly hair. I had the straightest hair of anyone. In fact, my two brothers had curly hair, my two sisters had curly hair. People looked at my sister and said : Isn't she darling, then looked at me and said "What happened to her?" When we were older and married, we became the best of friends. We each had four kids and had a lot in common. When I was in grade school I had a really snotty nose. I needed to go to the doctor but we didn't have the money for me to go to a doctor. So, I needed some tissues or hankerchiefs, something to blow my nose on. My dad had these men's hankys, so he thought since I am the snotty kid, I have to be taking his hankys. So he had me stand in the living room, tears streaming, telling him I never took any of them. (I wasn't allowed to touch anything that wasn't mine). That was the rule in our house. So, he says: Anything I hate is a liar--you are lying." I really wasn't lying. So we went through this scene more than once. They kept disappearing. So, when my mother went down to the basement to get a jar her homemade canned beans , she found Dad's hankys in a nest made by some animal in the back of the shelf. She told my dad she thinks he should apologize to me for the things he said (over and over) I HATE A LIAR. YOU ARE A LIAR! He mumbled to me. sorry. Do you think I forgot my broken heart and him thinking I am a liar. He used to tell me I was the worst child. I used to wonder why no one really loved me--why didn't my mom, why didn't my dad--my big sister wasn't any help. She told me I was retarted. She and I became great friends as adults. I loved my whole family as an adult. I have figured my dad didn't know how to be a loving father all the time. He had spells. I believe he was bipolar and my mom was depressed. I was a mistake and I was told I was not wanted. Sorry for writing a book.

Never apologize for writing being long. That's why we're here to help each other. I was told the same....that I was a mistake. Now that I am older, I see my parents definitely have their own issues. It is extremely hurtful and hateful for any child to be told they're not wanted and traumatized by their parents as a child. However, I learned this is all on THE PARENTS. My parents have a lot of mental issues. You are perfect. Children are innocent.

lorianxiety profile image
lorianxiety

So sorry to hear about your abusive past as well as the lossof your mother who appears to have little concern for your well being ,that must be extremely hard and to have a step father whos only interest is in controlling everyone! Has your mom ever showed you that she cares,if not then I think it would be wise to forget her being part of your life when it only causes friction between them.On the other hand she may be afraid to open up and be herself as well as a mother.Its so distressing for you and I for one cant tell you how to lead your life ,only advise .It may well be too that your mother will try and make amends if and when something should happen to your step-dad...y ou do have this site to turn to though Im sure you would like your mother to remain a part of your life.sorry if I rambled on..

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words.

Dog_Lover1 profile image
Dog_Lover1

Caringrose,

I hear the pain in your story. I'm so sorry for all you have had to endure.

If you ever want to vent or otherwise chat, please feel free to message me. Like you, I am here to support as well as be supported.

I know you will be able to put the pieces back together because you did it once before. :)

Wishing You Well,

🐕 DogLover1

in reply to Dog_Lover1

I appreciate that. Thank you. And, I love my doggie too, although she can be cranky.

Dog_Lover1 profile image
Dog_Lover1 in reply to

You are super welcome. Yay...another dog lover! :-)

in reply to Dog_Lover1

Thank you for your kind words.

Im so sorry you went through all of that. We are here for you! Ill gladly be a friend. You are so strong. You could always make friends in your community maybe try joining some clubs/groups maybe even go to your local church? There has to be something :) Keep us updated! We care.

GiGismiles profile image
GiGismiles

Hunny I'm a victim of these things and so much more. It's taken me 50 years to learn my strengths to fight the past horrors and get it out of my head. It still comes but I'm faster tio say NO NOT HERE NOT TODAY. I stopping the thought process even if i say no outloud. It's not easy but maybe it can help you, not letting the thought process proceed into another second.

in reply to GiGismiles

You'd think they're older ( 86 and mom 76) and would be mature, but when we hang out my step-dad is so immature, righteous, and obnoxious. So I finally did put up a boundary, but that means no holidays and really not seeing my mom, because she put her men first. Sad and kind of weird at this stage in life.

charliegirl2016 profile image
charliegirl2016

So many have shared great information, so not to repetitive, as I too grew up with a step parent and a lot of it carried over I to my adulthood. Not sure if you have a relationship with Christ, but that relationship allows us to forgive those who hurt us, whether they knew it or not. It's not easy, yet is it worth another day to harbor all the feelings you've shared? It's a choice you can make and a choice to keep consistent with a counselor/therapist, who can help you work through it all. Take it one day at a time.

in reply to charliegirl2016

Thank you for your share and support

Thank you for your kind words

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