I’m having trouble with Father’s Day and I think I need some help. Both of my parents meet the criteria for emotionally, mentally, and a little bit physically abusive but I don’t even count that one because like I said it was minor stuff from when I was a kid. Things like throwing things at me or being physically intimidating, I had a couple of close calls but no result physical harm so that’s something to be grateful for. There was some sexual objectification but no sexual abuse.
I read the definitions for these things and they match the criteria but what if I’m wrong? Maybe I’m just the girl who can’t handle life and I’ve twisted everything to victimize myself. I don’t trust when a therapist says it either, not long term anyways because validating what your feeling is kind of the job, no?
So today, I was playing with my Dad and the Dog, he grabbed me hard enough to bruise. I think it was meant to control and scare me but not harm me. My Mom says I have to accept responsibility for instigating it. I try to be social and get myself out of this headspace so I go to a dinner party between my parents and their friends. I say some (admittedly) disparaging comments, I try to control it but it’s almost like I want people to know how I see him and see him that same way. The Female Friend goes off on me though! She always intrudes too much and maybe I do that sometimes too but she has asked me if “I really have no friends?”and when I opened up to her (2nd no professional I’ve opened up to) about some of his more bothersome behaviors she didn’t seem to believe me or if she did they were inconsequential. Tonight she yells at me for not appreciating him and all of the sacrifices he’s made.
Here’s the thing... I believe that he has made the sacrifices every parent does. He did what was necessary to feed and clothe us and sometimes even that was a challenge. Does that mean that I should be more grateful regardless of other circumstances? I’m the only one in my family who has this consistent belief that what he did was wrong. Sometimes my Mom agrees with me but other times she does a complete 180 and chastises me for having these feelings, becoming defensive of him. I feel like I’m going insane. That I’m weak and too sensitive, maybe delusional or self pitying.
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SunIsShining
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As I was reading your post it felt like the floor was wobbling horribly and I was seeing it through a hall of mirrors; distorted, out of place, jagged, intimidating and disconcerting. You seem to have a deep distrust in yourself and others and a view that the world is harsh and unloving. It feels like you need to find a bridge or some form of sanctuary; a safe place or person where you can begin to be unburdened and learn to love and trust yourself and discern what it is you are best doing. Be still and know that you are loved.
Your words are so beautiful, can you talk more about them? What do you mean about feeling like the floor is wobbling and you’re seeing through a hall of mirrors?
Life is a mysterious and unfolding process where our challenge is to know (and be true to) ourselves. As we become more aware of our own processes, we can begin to observe the patterns that emerge and start to uncover the premise from which they are founded. Slowly, we find freedom in the idea that we are both the Sower and the Seed of our experiences.
When I read your post I was not sure how to respond if at all. I was, however, aware that no one else had responded although you had expressed and touched on some difficult and troubling topics. In essence, your words were left hanging. What, I wondered, must that feel like? To be seen but not heard? It seemed to me to be a key part of your narrative. My sense was that your words were pregnant with projections (deep rooted perceptions around how (1) you see yourself, (2) you see others, (3) others see you, (4) others see themselves and (5) others see others). But, where do we go from here?
My next step was to look at the image you had chosen for yourself - a beautiful ball of coloured yarn only part of which is visible. In some ways, that is a very comforting and homely image which felt at odds with the darker narrative. However, if we take this image and ball as some form of imagining of yourself, why (I wondered) did you focus on only part of the image and why leave its surroundings totally unfocused? So, within that image there is, perhaps, the suggestion of (1) what is totally hidden of you (the parts of the ball that are not seen) and (2) your surrounding and people (which are blurred and unfocused in the image). This leads the third aspect - the ball of yarn itself - and the idea that, although there is something very comforting in the image, it contains the seed of the idea that, at some stage, each coloured thread (like each relationship) has to be untangled, explored and understood. So, the image hints at three parts to the work of healing and understanding. But, how and where to begin the unravelling?
It was then that I sat with and pondered on the various points and reflections and observed what came to me. From my inner darkness emerged the Hall of Mirrors. First it was the words. Then it was the feelings - the wobbly floor, the sense of disorientation and childlike fear; the feeling of being on unsteady ground with no firm foundations. Finally, it was the observations - the many and multifaceted mirrors that offer a kaleidoscope of perspectives albeit all somewhat distorted. It was from here that I had the sense of the need to sit in stillness and begin to observe each of the mirrors (those different sides of yourself as you perceive them and as they are reflected by others) one by one. That is what I then offered to you as a perspective but on the understanding that this work or mission (should you choose to accept it) must be undertaken from a place of love (the womb of compassion).
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful response! I do feel like not being acknowledged is a huge part of what defines my more negative outlooks on life. I always feel as though I must present a facade to even be tolerated, although never loved so I feel as though my facade isn’t good enough and certainly no one would love what lays beneath it. When I didn’t receive a reply initially I felt as though I had burdened the members of the community with too much. Why couldn’t I be more succinct? Instead I seemed to be requiring more attention from strangers than I do of even those closest to me. As a lot of this stems from childhood I feel the need to make myself smaller. Demand nothing, curl into myself and hide in whatever safe corner I can carve out for myself.
I was incredibly isolated growing up, we moved on average once every 6 months and I was homeschooled so there was virtually no social interactions outside of my immediate family. I am only now learning how to have even semi-intimate relationships and even then I am overcome by self doubt. For so long the only people in my life made me question my own thoughts and feelings. Being a child dependent on a parent is a very vulnerable position to be in and I only had that strained relationship to guide my thinking.
I’m still living at home and just finished up school so I’m hoping to leave home soon but COVID isn’t exactly opening up the job market. Still influenced by them and still gaslighted by them I have no confidence in my own thoughts, feelings or actions. I am not dependent upon them enough to follow blindly nor am I independent enough to stand in my own beliefs and opinions.
Especially because there is no concrete example of their wrongdoing that I can cling to as validation for my fear. They never beat me or raped me so their words and impact on my life are left up to my subjective interpretation from the perspective of a child.
Much food for thought and thank you for sharing. You need to find someone as a sounding board to help you begin to explore some of these thoughts and feelings otherwise they will have a tendency to be continually played out. You are articulate and intelligent and at a stage in your life where anything and everything is possible - a power and potential within that needs to find ways to express itself and become manifest.
Well thank you very much! I actually see it as the opposite, less like the whole world is open to me and more like days of loneliness and unhappiness are ahead. My previous therapist mentioned that I would most likely revert to my parents way of thinking once I was no longer able to talk with her. I definitely need someone to continually validate what’s happening to me, at least while I still live at home.
Yea fathers and mothers day are overrated. My parents are okay but they dont fully understand my issues, most likely because they have issues themselves. Where is son day? Or daughter day? Arent we supposed to be such blessings?
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