My dad is the biggest source of my anxiety and depression. Every day he belittles me and makes comments about me that make me feel awful. He’s rude and he yells a lot and he’s rude to strangers too. When people aren’t 100% perfect he gets rude with them and makes them feel bad too. When I’m around him I walk on egg shells. He keeps me on edge 24/7, and it’s tiring having to constantly watch out for it. He makes me paranoid and upset and it affects my relationships with other people in my life as well. I take things the wrong way and get upset very easily.
I was in a relationship that ended 5 months ago, and it ended because of my mental instability. My dad affects me to the point of making me incapable of forming relationships with other humans without either being like him or being paranoid about my partner being like him. Im still not over this relationship, and with my moms recent passing I have missed the relationship more than ever. This guy is in a new relationship though, and he has been for 4 months. I have to see them both at school every day and it makes me feel awful.
I don’t have any good friends who I trust a lot. I don’t have a best friend or anyone I feel 100% comfortable going to. I feel very very alone. What doesn’t help is that I cannot get over my ex, and now recently it’s been more difficult than before. He was close with my mom and he knew her well, he’s hung out with my family on multiple occasions.
I go to therapy but our schedules don’t like up well so I can only have one or two appointments per MONTH. I want 1-2 appointments per week, let alone month.
I live with my dad full time, so I never feel safe and comfortable. I don’t feel safe or comfortable at school either, because of my ex and his girlfriend. They aren’t mean or rude to me, but I’m so down mentally that all I do is look at them and search for them and think about them. All I do is compare myself to his new girlfriend. I have 6/8 of my classes with her. I know I shouldn’t compare myself but I genuinely cannot help it and I don’t know how to stop. School is awful.
I can’t live with anyone but my dad because I’d have to tell him that he makes me want to die and if I do that then he will get angry at me like he always does.
I don’t feel safe, happy, or comfortable anywhere. I don’t feel happy in general, I feel sad or numb. I don’t have a best friend, or close friends, or people who make me feel wanted in general. I’m just an unwanted nuisance to people. A burden. And it hurts me a lot. I want to feel wanted.
Everything sucks. My mom was my rock and my comfort and my safety. Her being gone is awful and I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything in my life is falling apart.