My dad and other people

[iriss]

My dad is the biggest source of my anxiety and depression. Every day he belittles me and makes comments about me that make me feel awful. He’s rude and he yells a lot and he’s rude to strangers too. When people aren’t 100% perfect he gets rude with them and makes them feel bad too. When I’m around him I walk on egg shells. He keeps me on edge 24/7, and it’s tiring having to constantly watch out for it. He makes me paranoid and upset and it affects my relationships with other people in my life as well. I take things the wrong way and get upset very easily.

I was in a relationship that ended 5 months ago, and it ended because of my mental instability. My dad affects me to the point of making me incapable of forming relationships with other humans without either being like him or being paranoid about my partner being like him. Im still not over this relationship, and with my moms recent passing I have missed the relationship more than ever. This guy is in a new relationship though, and he has been for 4 months. I have to see them both at school every day and it makes me feel awful.

I don’t have any good friends who I trust a lot. I don’t have a best friend or anyone I feel 100% comfortable going to. I feel very very alone. What doesn’t help is that I cannot get over my ex, and now recently it’s been more difficult than before. He was close with my mom and he knew her well, he’s hung out with my family on multiple occasions.

I go to therapy but our schedules don’t like up well so I can only have one or two appointments per MONTH. I want 1-2 appointments per week, let alone month.

I live with my dad full time, so I never feel safe and comfortable. I don’t feel safe or comfortable at school either, because of my ex and his girlfriend. They aren’t mean or rude to me, but I’m so down mentally that all I do is look at them and search for them and think about them. All I do is compare myself to his new girlfriend. I have 6/8 of my classes with her. I know I shouldn’t compare myself but I genuinely cannot help it and I don’t know how to stop. School is awful.

I can’t live with anyone but my dad because I’d have to tell him that he makes me want to die and if I do that then he will get angry at me like he always does.

I don’t feel safe, happy, or comfortable anywhere. I don’t feel happy in general, I feel sad or numb. I don’t have a best friend, or close friends, or people who make me feel wanted in general. I’m just an unwanted nuisance to people. A burden. And it hurts me a lot. I want to feel wanted.

Everything sucks. My mom was my rock and my comfort and my safety. Her being gone is awful and I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything in my life is falling apart.

[MariaLove123]

It sounds like your dad has major mental health issues. You have to do what’s best for you. This is your life and your health!

You must make a change. I’d suggest sitting down with him and talking it out, but he doesn’t sound like he would do that rationally. Do you have any family members you can talk to? I really hope things get better for you! 🤗

[iriss in reply to MariaLove123]

He definitely wouldn’t be rational about it. I might talk with my therapist more and have her talk to him about it.

[MariaLove123 in reply to iriss]

That’s a good idea. I just want you out of there. It’s not right at all. But we’re here for you anytime you need to talk 🤗

[Iggy0311]

I'm so sorry you are going through that. High school was hell for me as well and a lot of it did have to do with my parents. One thing that did give me the tiniest bit of relief was just putting my head down, putting one foot in front of the other, and telling myself constantly that high school is temporary and what I make of my life after that is what mattered. I also wanted to ask you more about when you commented that you can't go live somewhere else because of the anger it would create in your dad. MariaLove123 is right, he has issues and they are not your issues. Seriously, do you have a different relative that you could reach out to? That you could explore moving in with? Even if it's in a completely different city, that might be a good thing all the way around. New school, new guardian role models, potential new friends, maybe even a therapist you can see on a regular basis.

[iriss in reply to Iggy0311]

I would have to bring up moving away to him, and he wouldn’t take that well. I don’t have any other schools to move to because they don’t have orchestra programs, and I play the viola. If I am not in orchestra then I can’t do anything with my future plans. All of my aunts and uncles live in a town with no orchestra program.

[rach1402]

If I were you I wouldn't worry too much about your dad's feelings, it's obvious he doesn't give yours much thought. I agree with the comment about looking into the possibility of living with other relatives. Your dad should be putting you first but he's not fulfilling his responsibility as a parent so you'll have to look after yourself. My parents messed me up and I don't have anything to do with them now, it's sad but I feel much better without having to prove myself and live with their constant criticism. I hope you manage to turn things around for yourself so he can't do any more damage to your self esteem x

[Iggy0311]

That really stinks that you are feeling so stuck. I might focus on trying to get more time with your therapist, or is there a chance a different therapist would be able to sync up better with you?

One other thought to consider. When your dad lashes out at you or says negative, hurtful things, consider not staying silent. Don't match anger with anger, because everyone loses, but consider answering every single time with something like, "It feels like you need to hurt me." or "That really hurts me terribly that you would say that." And then, as best you can, walk away. You are not responsible for his actions. He is obviously in need of serious help himself, but you can always try to get him to see the pain his actions are causing. Hugs to you.

[iriss in reply to Iggy0311]

I can’t see my therapist much, and I like her a lot. I don’t think I can see two therapists because it has legal conflicts. I don’t want to get a completely different therapist either.

Also I can’t say anything to him in response or he will twist it against me to hurt me. I can’t walk away or he will yell at me. I can’t stay silent or he will yell at me. I can’t say “I don’t know” or he will yell at me. I can’t really do anything. I just try to please him until he shuts up then I shut myself away in my room or I go to school and pretend I’m fine.

The worst is that hours later he pretends it never happened. He’s cool and happy and good dad again. But he’s not always good, he’s bad a lot. Today I was with him for only 10 minutes and he said two things to make me feel awful and to upset me. It only took 10 minutes for him to upset me.

[Iggy0311 in reply to iriss]

And you tell all of this to your therapist? You're completely honest with her about what's going on? In general, what does she say? (And I'm really glad you have a therapist you like)

[iriss in reply to Iggy0311]

I do tell her. We haven’t had time to discuss it in full because I have so much going on that by time I iterate my recent events and feelings, the session is over.

[lolololololo]

First of all I must tell you that you are so strong and brave. You have gone through so much in life in your first years of life. But don't worry life is a roller coaster and it will get better. I would suggest you keeping a journal/diary and mediate (mindfulness) once a day. In your diary. Journal you write whatever you want like how you feeling and happened today etc. But before that you will Write three thing you are grateful for . For example I am grateful that I am healthy I am grateful that I have hair on my head I am grateful for....

I'm from the UK so I don't know what the system is in your country but you can go to your school therapist or go privately. Show them your journal/diary and maybe you could show it to your father as well one day.

You dad is human too he is not perfect. You don't know what he went through when he was young or or is going through right now. You are the strong one and you need to be patient and stay strong for yourself. You need to put yourself first.

Also you can find some other activities that you could do after school. Maybe find a part time job/internship. Or stay in school library after school. Spend less time at home.

Focus in your life and goals because nobody can take that away from you. But you need to put the effort and work on to archive your goals.

Sorry for my bad English

[iriss in reply to lolololololo]

I try to keep a journal, but I just don’t know what to write. I’ve written letters to people as well, and I haven’t sent them. I’ll do that gratefulness activity and try to meditate again.

I can’t do much about getting a job or joining many clubs because he gets mad at me about it sometimes. I’m also really busy already, so I don’t have time for a job.

[Cassie2178]

Hi, I happened upon your post and wanted to reach out. I have very cruel controlling parents too. I found solace online at Newlife.com. They have articles, counselors, and resources that are really helping me overcome the negative thoughts and directing me to a new life. My favorite book, so far, is "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. You can download it or buy a hard copy. Please buy it, it helps you when to say yes, how to say no and to take control of your life. Best of luck.

[Iggy0311]

Hi Iriss,

My other thought is that with your therapist next time, forget about telling her about day to day life and go in determined to speak directly to the heart of the matter. Take 5 or 10 minutes to give short, concise examples of things your dad says to you and then directly ask for help in how to handle it. Spend the session on that. Just my thought. I know it's so hard. I was married to a guy like your dad so I really do understand. Learning to let go of their behavior and sort of numbing yourself to it is a process. Reach out any time, hugs, and good luck.

[itwillbeokay]

I'm so sorry you're going through that... I truly am. A part of me really breaks for you. The feeling of helplessness. The feeling of being stuck.

I want to affirm you for asking for help (this platform counts). Talking about it with safe people and people who will understand helps. You're incredibly self aware. And you are extremely articulate. I appreciate you for your vulnerability. You are so strong for being able to manage all that you've gone through- the many losses (mom and significant other) and your dad's repeated reactions to you.

My heart breaks for you

[Rachel2535]

Relationships are always messy especailly when it comes to family whom we live with. Thank you for taking the time to get out what you needed to get out. Talking about it is so helpful. I have found through 25 years of depression that depending on another human being is never a sure thing. I had a close relationship with my mom and then she had a lot of difficulties and I couldn’t rely on her anymore I was a bit lost. This helped me realize how much I depended on her and it was unhealthy. I had to learn to put my trust in God. My faith has seen me through since. You are exactly right no one should endure abuse, this includes you. Please see yourself from a different light you are not lies (the things your dad tells you) you are beautifully made and worth so much more then harm. I am glad to here you are going through therapy but I wonder if finding a group, at church, community center or even at school would help to supplement the times you feel like you can’t get through. Please know I am praying for you and know that you are not what your dad says you are. You have a Godly father who loves you much better. -Rachel