Dealing with childhood demons at age 31

[hopefullyhappytoday]

I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother and a father who wasn’t always around to see it, or believe it. Things were very difficult for many years. They have been better for the last 3-4 years after I finally confronted them at 27 years old.

I don’t think that my mom will ever be able to accept or acknowledge that she was abusing me, but in a way I felt like I got through in some way when I confronted her. I felt like I was on a path to forgiving them even though it’s still hard without her being able to accept what she did.

Today everything unraveled.

I was telling a story about being bullied growing up and I tried to stand up for myself. It turned into her blaming me for not telling her, nothing excessive, but a couple of light jabs that triggered the feeling that I have only felt at the hand of her abuse.

I had to take a couple seconds to process.

My dad says “oh you’re not going to be grumpy now, are you? I calmly stood up, and said I need to leave.

It turned into my dad defending my mom, telling me that I shouldn’t feel how I felt. This is what he always did growing up. It just feels like I’m not being heard and teamed up on.

I was able to remain very calm and explain myself. My mom just cried and said “I’m sorry” over and over. I don’t believe that she is sorry for anything. She can’t tell me what she’s sorry about, she just acts like the word sorry will fix everything and she doesn’t have to acknowledge any wrong doing.

It’s tough. It just felt like years of hard work unraveled in the blink of an eye.

I don’t know if things will ever change. I feel like I have to be the adult in the situation and always take the high road just to have things be at peace. It’s hard. Today was a sad day.

I took the negative energy and turned it into some much needed exercise.

I’m proud that I stood up for myself and I am only looking forward.

[Starrlight]

❤️

[marydoll1963]

it seems to be very hard on you even though you had courage to speak to your parents

being a mother and speaking from a similar experience with my son yes I did cry for the love I felt for my sibling

but you know what I did the best to be a good parent and if that wasn't right I apologized

I did try better than my parents I dont smoke or drink and I worked hard to give mine what I didn't get all I wanted was to be told they loved me but that was never said

looking at my life I did change after getting h I was holding on to memories and torturing myself I have learned that is the past this is now

and if memories do come back I dont give it a chance I just think life is so much more interesting goals and hobbies for now as life can be here today gone tomorrow and i want to feel good and not sad

i wish you love and happiness for the future

[fauxartist]

My mother is a sociopath....she didn't have it in her to feel sorry for anyone but herself. They don't have remorse, or empathy, or are able to really take responsibility for their actions. They are very good at acting like they do care if they think they are getting caught at being indifferent or abusive...they are master manipulators of others, and can gaslight a person to the point they are thinking they are at fault for the abuser abusing them. As a child or young adult, this damages us...and it stays with us till we get help, and even then the scars are very deep. But as long as you are in harm’s way, you will never heal, just get more wounded. You have to learn boundaries with these people, just because they are family does not give them the right to abuse you. No one has that right period.

[Dolphin14 in reply to fauxartist]

Well said my friend. ❤️

[hopefullyhappytoday in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you. It is very reassuring knowing someone knows how I feel. It’s very tough to realize that your own parent is a manipulative, even though they are supposed to be the ones to protect and love you the most.

Your words have been very helpful. You said what I feel but have trouble putting in to words. Thank you ❤️

[fauxartist in reply to hopefullyhappytoday]

It is a feeling of betrayal that has no words that can describe the pain, to have a parent or caregiver being your abuser. As a child....we look to them for comfort, care, and support....when it's not there, and worse, they are an abuser....we suffer as children, but it doesn't stop there, it follows us as long as these people are in our lives. Some people have been able to reconcile with their abusers and get closure...they are the lucky ones. Most abusers don't want your forgiveness because they don't feel they did anything wrong, that is something harder to deal with, and acceptance is the key. They will never have it in them to love us they way a parent should, so we have to make our own loving environments, because we do deserve to be loved. That was on them, it wasn't our fault, and we didn't deserve to be treated that way...

[Indyra420 in reply to fauxartist]

In what ways is your mother a sociopath?

[Indyra420 in reply to Indyra420]

I’m in a weird reversed situation. My kids are cold hearted like their dad and my mom. Pure torture.

[Hidden]

You should stay away from them at least for a while, no contact, keep working on yourself, parents or not don't allow their bad energy around you

[Pagesofwords]

It is great that you stood up for yourself. Good for you! I'm so sorry for how hurt you feel though. It's very hard.

It's hard to go through these realizations for both you and your parents. On one hand, it's part of natural growing up, looking back and looking forward, and becoming more YOU as an adult; on the other hand, it's difficult for your parents to look back on themselves and feel guilty about things they may not fully understand or even remember. They may not have fathomed the effects on you of their past behavior or words. They may not have healthy coping skills. They may have thought they were doing the best they can with what they knew how to do at the time.

I had seven years in my 20s and early 30s of avoiding my parents because the hurts and dysfunction were active in my mind. I was not only processing the past but trying to fit in in the present. It was a strange world for me. I am in my 60s now and of the mind that this hard time in the 20s and 30s is a normal part of growing up for everyone. It is a transitory period of more completely separating from one's parents--for everyone--and it's much harder for individuals who had difficult and painful childhoods.

I hope you will keep talking with your therapist and keep standing up for yourself. Don't give in to your parents' unhealthy thinking. They may be overwhelmed by the intense pain you feel and are unsure how to ease it. They simply may not have the necessary skills and knowledge.

I urge you to try to develop an empathy for your mom and dad. Your mom very well is sorry as she says, even though she's not saying the exact words you need to hear. Your dad may honestly not know a different way to try to help you (that is, he may think "You shouldn't feel this way" is an effective means to help you--because this is how he learned to deal with problems himself). Toward me, my mom acted the same way you describe your mom as acting; my dad would evade the issues and just tell stories and jokes from the past, things I used to laugh at.

Unless your parents get into therapy themselves, trust the therapist's expertise, and ask the therapist to help them understand you, they may be at a dead end on making any changes. Don't expect them to change on their own. If they won't do therapy, there may be some books or articles they could read. You can suggest family therapy, if that is what you'd like, but it's not your job to FIX them.

Keep your distance from them if that is what you need to do to keep your mind safe. Most parents DO love their children and would do anything for them that they can. But we're all human and have limitations. LOVE is what is most important. Remember, please, that your parents (most likely) do love you and you do love them--but it's just really difficult for you right now to be part of their dysfunction. It's a positive sign that you are wanting to take care of yourself. Exercising is great!

After the seven years of distancing from my parents, I came back to them with a stronger heart and a whole heart. Our relationship went on to be one of more gratitude, empathy, and realizing how we love each other despite human frailty, past hurts, confusion, etc. I was able to let go of the past and live fully in the present. I was helped by therapy, reading, and writing out my thoughts and feelings. My father died when I was 39. In a few days, my mom will be 92. She and I have enjoyed a much better and healthier relationship for about 24 years now. I consider that my perceptions of my past are healed. I'm rereading a book I read decades ago: "Hind's Feet in High Places," by Hannah Hurnad. This is an allegory of overcoming past hurt. If you like allegories, you may enjoy this book.

Meanwhile, I wish you well. I know it's hard--and I'm sorry for the pain you feel. I want to give you hope. May God bless you and hold you close as you travel this road to your own "high places." Perhaps you'll meet your parents on the way!

[hopefullyhappytoday in reply to Pagesofwords]

Thank you so much. Reading this has brought me to tears. I haven’t been able to cry for several years. It feels good.

I don’t really know what it feels like to love my mom. I appreciate your words and hopefully we can work this all out as you have. I’m happy that you have been able to figure it out and have a more meaningful relationship.

I will check that book out. Thank you so much ❤️

[Pagesofwords in reply to hopefullyhappytoday]

I’m glad that my words and experience have given you some hope. It is good for me to tell my story, too. Although crying can be so painful, it is a release that can eventually lead to something better. Please believe you are a precious person, lovable, and worth loving. Try to believe this of your mother, too, and trust that she does love you—even though it may not feel like it right now or even in the past. She is likely hurting, too. It takes time to heal so please be gentle and tender with yourself and patient. If I can help in some way, please write again. I will pray for healing for you and your parents and that your relationship will be restored with abundance of love and acceptance.

[Tbowler]

I’m sorry you felt that. I forgave my parents for my wrong doing as a child that I have carried into my adult life also.

I confronted them last weekend and decided to forgive them (even though they probably don’t know why I needed to forgive them) and all my mom could do was focus on what I said to confront her the week prior totally dismissing my forgiveness in order to forget the past and move forward with my life and relationships now.

You did the right thing for you, that’s all that matters and you may not know me, but I’m proud of you for doing that. Many people can’t.

Toxic and negative relationships don’t have any place in our lives as we just carry that burden into our own lives, well I do at least.

[Indyra420]

How are things with your parents now?

[Indyra420]

Can you help me understand?