Hello--I just turned 17 and fear I may not even belong in this community. But I am feeling so hopeless and dejected that I feel I might as well give this a shot. I'm unsure as to whether or not I have OCD. In some ways, it seems feasible. When I was in third grade, I was an obsessive hand-washer, although I recall little detail about this period. I also remember I could not shake the image of curse words (at that age, I thought swearing was terribly evil) on my hands and felt the need to erase them. I ended up in CBT because I had become "obsessed" with religion during middle school. Every time I saw or read/thought about someone suffering or struggling, I felt the need to pray for them. If anything good occurred in my life, I felt I had to express gratitude. And if I ever did something regrettable, I felt I had to apologize. Often physical/vocal rituals accompanied my mental prayers, which were quite all-consuming. My parents regularly encouraged me to open my mind to therapy--I stubbornly avoided it for a while, but, eventually, acquiesced. It was extremely helpful and I feel that, in general, it allowed me to give my thoughts less power in my life. I am no longer in therapy and going through what has been, for me, a devastating period. Over the summer, I met someone who did not understand why the n-word was wrong. I have always believed myself to be someone who repudiates racism, and, if I recall, I was appalled and disgusted. But everyone around me started laughing, and, eventually, I did. I was horrified by my actions. I viciously reprimanded myself and dug my nails into my arms as punishment. Since then, my life has not been the same. I keep thinking of that abhorrent word. I used to chastise myself, slap myself, and dig my nails into my arms as punishment, but I found that the more I did, the more frequent the thoughts became, so I tried to stop for the most part. It used to just be that particular derogatory term, but now I hear a few other racial slurs as well when I see people of color. I'm not actually going to take action because I don't want to hurt my family, but I truly do not want to live anymore. I used to have dreams for the future, but now I believe I am an egregious person. I feel guilty for interacting with my friends because I believe I am deceiving them by allowing them to believe I am worth being around, instead of the abominable person they would see if they knew the truth. I am desperate to stop, but I don't know what else to do. I'm so confused about whether this is an illness and not my fault, or if I am truly this nefarious. I'm extremely flawed, but I can't believe I am really this person. I can't go on this way anymore. I'm just so worried this is the real me and I'm merely making excuses for myself. I feel like every time I hear those words in my head, I should sob uncontrollably. I believe I am a heartless monster. Therapists used to tell me I was "gifted" in my emotional intelligence, that I was an empath--but I believe I somehow even duped them because I clearly don't have a soul. I'm just terrified I'm not anxious enough about the thoughts, even though I worry about them frequently. They are always the very first thing I think of in the morning--I wish today could be different, worry about what damage I will do, wait to see how I will let myself down--and the last before I sleep. I hate that I can sleep at night. I don't deserve that; I should be far more unnerved. I don't even know what punishment could ever possibly be adequate, let alone stop my horrific thoughts. When I don't think the words when passing a person of color, I can't be relieved or devastated. I don't want to say the words because it is inhumane; however, I am terrified that, when I don't, it means I have no one and nothing to blame but myself: I have been choosing to use this language all along. I am a serious emotional wreck. I am so unsettled by myself, and this has been going on since July. Lately, especially, I just burst into tears and scream when alone in the house, telling myself how ashamed I should be and how ghastly I am. I don't want to go to therapy because I don't want to share what's going on with my parents, make them spend money, etc., but I have no idea what to do. I need change. I've been waiting and hoping for one all these months, and I don't know what to do anymore. This situation is destructive; however, at the same time, I feel guilty for any reprieve; I believe I'm never allowed to feel happy and have recently begun doubting if it's even right for me to allow myself to eat and/or sleep in a bed. I am truly so unsure what is going on with me if anything, and what I can do because I really cannot live this way anymore. This post was so long-winded, so, if you read it in its entirety, you are a truly phenomenal, beautiful human being. THANK YOU. Any insight you could provide would mean more to me than you could ever possibly know.
Teenager and OCD: Hello--I just turned... - Anxiety and Depre...
Teenager and OCD
I am not a doctor of course, but I would consider an anxiety disorder. You are over analyzing yourself and expecting perfection. You gave into peer pressure which is very normal for your age. Perhaps another go round with a therapist would help. Self harming as a punishment is concerning. Can you talk to your parents?
Hi mirandakj,
I'm so sorry you are suffering! Thank you for sharing such a detailed account of what you've been thinking and enduring. What a great step- you will get so much support here
What you are experiencing is something called "Intrusive thoughts" and they are a hallmark feature of both a high-anxiety state, and also of OCD. The different subtypes of OCD have so much overlap with one another and also with anxiety, and with the right treatment, and the right understanding and approach to recovery, you can be free of suffering and torment.
OCD is an anxiety-based condition. I have had elements of OCD throughout the years. I had mild "Harm OCD" when I was pregnant (and highly anxious at the time). I also have had something similar to what you describe in the past (Catholic upbringing and I am highly neurotic like you are). I don't think of myself as someone with OCD. I fit better in the "Generalized Anxiety Disorder" box. But there is no denying the elements of OCD that have been present during highly anxious times in my life.
*I think that getting back into therapy will help you tremendously.* and I urge you to talk with your parents to let them know that you need therapy right away. OCD and anxiety are VERY responsive to the right therapy
A couple of things I'll suggest that may help you to feel better right away.
In your case, I am guessing that social anxiety had an effect on why you went with the crowd that one time. Clearly, you are not a vindictive or cruel person by nature. And you had remorse and regret. Over-the-top remorse. You can learn to let this go. Your anxiety has latched on to the idea that this one action defines you. Of course it does not. Anxiety: "What if this is who you are? What if you do it again or something like it again? What if you do something WORSE". All the what-if's-- - that's your anxiety talking. Practice recognizing your intense worry about what this one action for what it is- an anxious thought in a mind that has become so tired and weary from fear and worry.
Next, all these thoughts that have come up since- try to remember that there is an ocean between a thought and a behavior. What the anxious part of your mind conjures up (and it conjures up some doozies, I know) reflects absolutely nothing on you as a person. Yes, it's true. Some of the Saintliest people in the world have likely had some really terrible thoughts at times in their lives. But in the anxious mind, these thoughts tend to "stick" and then our anxiety tricks us into believing there is some truth in them, or that we may act on them, or that they reflect on our character.In other people, the thoughts roll in, and then rapidly out- through a sieve. We don't have lovely sieves. We have sticky flypaper We can get caught up in paying these thoughts a lot of respect. Treatment involves learning to recognize this, and then practicing some things that allow the thoughts to come and then easily go. In this way we can get the thoughts sometimes, but we know exactly what they are, how unimportant and meaningless they are, and we can have a very healthy and helpful reaction to them. I hope you can take heart in knowing this
Next, I'll suggest that you watch this video (link below). A brilliant doctor named Claire Weekes was a pioneer in understanding and treating anxiety (and OCD), and her shared knowledge, teachings and coaching have helped so many people through anxiety and all of its manifestations. This particular video focuses mainly on OCD. If you find it helpful, I highly recommend that you listen to and read anything and everything by her. The more you understand how your mind works, the more recovery will come your way. Here is the video:
youtube.com/watch?v=-gRoXLE...
I think you will get a lot of input/support here! I also would suggest that you visit and perhaps join the OCD board: healthunlocked.com/my-ocd. I know there are some other excellent self-help resources for you, and I hope others on this forum and that one will share their ideas on that.
You sound like such a kind and caring person. It's so nice to "meet" you. I will be thinking of you and I hope you will keep us posted on how you are doing
Calm_mama, I am truly overcome with emotion. It was so extraordinarily kind of you to take the time to write such an extensive, specific, and supportive post. I could never convey the full breadth of my gratitude to you; you are a truly phenomenal human being! Keeping this secret has been very painful and taxing, so sharing it and receiving such a beautiful response means everything to me. I am so glad you shared the video with me--I have to go to school now, but I am eager to watch it upon returning home. Again, I can't thank you enough for the warm embrace into this community--I was apprehensive about joining, fearing people would tell me I didn't belong here because I was truly just immoral. It's still difficult to overcome that doubt and fear, but your incredibly kind words have been so helpful and meaningful to me. I am so grateful to have "met" you! I wish you nothing but the best. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I hope you have a lovely day!
Hello, and so sorry to hear that you struggling at the moment. I agree with the comments of Calm_mama. You are clearly a very thoughtful, erudite and reflective person, which is a positive characteristic. I do think you should show yourself more kindness and compassion and you have nothing to feel guity about. Yes, of course, we all have room for improvement. All of us, without exception, are far from perfect. I would suggest, however, reading your articulate post, that you have an abundance of admirable qualities. I do think that further therapy would help you to attain a more positive balance and give you the opportunity to address the concerns you have. Take care,
Sebastian58, I really appreciate your taking the time to read my post and provide insight. The affirmation is truly meaningful to me, and I'm so grateful for your kindness.
Oh my...I hope that in some way writing all that down helped you also - I'm so sorry you are feeling the way you are, but the thing to remember is that help IS out there for you! It does sound like you may have OCD but of course, only a medical professional can say for sure -- as Calm-mama already said, talk to your parents and see if you can get back into therapy as soon as possible -- that will help you to put your feelings and thoughts into perspective and help you to see that you ARE worthy and you do have an illness so your thoughts (and sometimes actions) are not your fault! As a parent, I would hate to find out that my child didn't want to tell me because they were afraid of spending money on therapy -- please please talk to your parents -- even if it is via a written message rather than face to face -- I'm sure they already realize something is up and would want to help you in any way possible.
MomLeslieM, I am so thankful for your insight. It's very helpful to me, especially because you have given me a parental perspective. You are a wonderful person!
Thank you, I'm glad my response was helpful. Did you talk to your parents yet? If so, what did they say? If not, PLEASE, DO IT THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Hey MomLeslieM--I did not discuss specifically why I was struggling with them, but I expressed to them how challenging the past six months have been for me, and want me to go to therapy. Without the support of this board, I truly could never have shared my feelings with them, so I am eternally grateful!
Fantastic. Good work
WONDERFUL! I'm so glad you talked to them. Will you be starting therapy again soon then?
Thank you, MomLeslieM!!! Yes, this Thursday.
AWESOME!
It seems very plausible that you have obsessive compulsive thought patterns and fixations, and that can cause anxiety and despair. I would hope that this is what the group here is for. You should receive as much support here as anyone else. You belong. I accept you. I am deeply sorry that you feel abominable. For different reasons I have felt the same, though perhaps to a different degree. You are not alone. Do not feel that it is your fault that you have these thoughts and feelings. Your mind has a mind of its own, and you are not alone in that either.
Thank you so much for this lovely note, Skydreamer42. It is so meaningful. I am deeply grateful.
I'm glad to be at all helpful Miranda.
You are a very caring person and please don’t be so hard on yourself!
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