My Story: Depression and Loneliness.

[TheSilentPrince]

Hi, let me start by saying I'm 25 years old as of 2 weeks ago. My depression comes and goes, but I always fell lonely. I'm writing on here today because I fell as if this is the one place that I don't have to worry about being judged or being viewed as less of a man. I really don't know where to begin. I guess I'll start by saying why and when I get depressed and lonely. Most of the time that I am/get depressed is because I feel unwanted romantically. In fact, i know I'm not. I feel lonely for the same reason and in addition I don't have too many friends and I don't have anyone that I fell I can talk to. I'm always alone with my feelings and thoughts with no way of letting them out. It's kinda hard for me to get close to people because I fear being rejected and unwanted as a friend and/or a partner; as a person in general. As far as friends go, I feel as if people don't want to get to really know me, and I feel as if people don't care about understanding who I am. I've been bullied and/or talked about much of my life. Even now people say things at work. I don't like it, but at the same time it doesn't bother me much anymore. Maybe because I'm used to it. I get along with everyone, but that's as far as it ever goes. As far as finding love, it's much harder for me to talk about, but I'm gonna try and finally lay it all out. My greatest loneliness is comes from not being able to love someone while seeing everyone around me in love. I heard one of my friends in the past tell a new associate at work that nobody wanted me. I'm an African American and I've heard several people say that they would not date a black person. I've been cheated on more than once. One of the times I was told that she my have gotten pregnant. After we broke up a few weeks after, I learned that what she told me may have been a lie. I've dated someone who didn't want anyone to know we where dating because she didn't want to be embarrassed. There where two girls in the past that looked at me disgustingly after learning that I liked them. Every time I try to find someone or find someone interesting all I find is disappointment. I may be a man, but what I want more than anything is to give someone love. Why can't I do that? The fact that I can't causes me to become depressed. I feel like I'm supposed to be alone. At one point I started telling myself that I'm being prepared for something in my future so that I could ease the pain. I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes I feel comfort in my depression because I know it; I've learned how to traverse it. I'm tired of being alone and feeling unwanted. I'm tired of trying to no avail. I try to stay optimistic, but what good is optimism if nothing changes. That's the definition of insanity. On top of everything I keep hearing people use love in vain. How can people say they love someone while abusing what they have? Lover and abuse can not coexist. I watch this and it makes me feel worse. I try to be a good person and a gentleman, but I keep seeing people go for the ones that will hurt them over the guy like me.... Recently I've reed a book called, "The Five Love Languages: Singles Edition", I highly recommend the series. It's helped me a lot with understanding love and how to get closer to people. There's also this quote I starting saying,"Crying doesn't make you weak; enduring doesn't make you strong"; to each their own understanding. Got it from a title of an episode of a show. While writing this I started feeling a little better. I talked about the book and the quote to say this. I'm a lonely and depressed person who wants to truly be accepted and embraced by at least one person. And even though I hurt, I wont let the hurt define me. I don't want to endure the pain anymore, instead I'll embrace it by being real and open about it. God didn't give you or I a spirit of fear so even though it will be hard to talk about my problems, I will. Not only will it help me by talking about it, it will also help someone else. And if I truly want to let someone in I have to be open to letting them in. If I wont to love someone and to be loved in return, I know now I have to first be able to love myself. This journey of mine wont at all be remotely easy, but I've endured much worse just as many of the people reading this has as well. Sorry this was so long. I hope my acknowledgement of my problems will help someone else and help them to not be afraid to open up.

[Hidden]

Hi good to meet you and welcome to the site. You are completely right - you won't be judged on here or be thought of as any less than a man.

You don't say whether you are getting any help with your depression? Are you? There is help out there you know so seek it out. I think counselling could be of huge benefit to you and help you understand what is going on.

I know very well that sick look people give you if they know you fancy them and they don't you at all. Having said that I have had my share of bf's so I know not everyone feels that way about me. I don't let anyone know now and test the water carefully to see how I stand first.

I think you have to learn to love yourself before you can love others which is why I think counselling would help you so much. It's not an easy option but very worthwhile.

[TheSilentPrince in reply to Hidden]

Hi, lilaclil and thank you for your response. At the moment I don't go to counseling. I've thought about it though. I've been worried about the cost.

[Hidden in reply to TheSilentPrince]

I am in the UK but notice you are in the USA so I can't offer any advice on finding and paying for a counsellor I'm afraid.

Don't you have any health insurance which would at least pay part of the cost? Maybe you could find some low cost treatment or something?

I do think this is what you need though.

[violetgenie in reply to Hidden]

Hi Prince and welcome to the site!

Very well written message and I do agree with Lilac. You have so much to offer. I think that counseling would benefit you. Health insurance does cover some, but of course you will have a copay. It is worth it, though. It is also worth taking the time out of your week.

We are here for you and we are glad you joined!

[TheSilentPrince in reply to violetgenie]

Thanks lilaclil and violetgenie. I think I'm going to take the advice.

[violetgenie in reply to TheSilentPrince]

Sometimes finding a therapist that's right for you can be a bit trial and error. If you don't connect with the first one after I'd say two visits, move on to another. Also the gender of the person can be important to consider. It really is your personal comfort level.

[FixingThePineapple in reply to TheSilentPrince]

There is a branch of Medicaid that specifically does mental health, you should google your area and see if there are low-cost/low-income insurance companies around

[FixingThePineapple]

Glad you shared this, thank you for the encouragement.

I understand what you are going through. People can be cruel and selfish, but not everyone.

[TheSilentPrince in reply to FixingThePineapple]

Hi Pineapple. Thank you for reading my post. It makes me feel good knowing that what I said has encouraged someone.